And when I am freedom will I be a waving flag?

Once again, I am referencing K'naan's superb song, Wavin' Flag. Sometime I'll break down the lyrics and point out possible references to K'naan's native Somalia and the awful situation there, but I would probably need to do a little prep work before that. One must not claim historical authority when writing on a topic without some backing.

Yet I often find myself drawn to that song because it speaks to freedom, something dear to my heart. Of course, freedom is hard to define, and one definition, which I reject as illusionary is that freedom can only be achieved through the loosening of bonds and obligations. I find that a perverse philosophy that leads only to self-nullification.

However, I find myself dangerously close to that place.

Out of college, secure job-wise, more money than I really know what to do with, and with most of my siblings established in independent lives, most of the old obligations that once bound me are fading. Those that remain, to my Church Youth Group, to my parents' vision for my life, to tradition, etc. are actually somewhat loose, though at times they seem to snap tight at me, and I, on occasion, find that to follow them too strictly or too fully would be diluting of who I am or simply unnecessarily painful. Still I make an effort, though probably I ought to make more, but if those are the only obligating forces in my life, well, I'm likely to find my life rather shallow and unhappy.

And then what of Rand, the great and glorious? What of that greatness and glory? Well I am a student of False Bravado and do believe in great and grand dreams. I am also ever the fan of the fairer gender. And while both these topics seem out of reach at times, they are something to aim for, and that aiming does bring some obligating force, some urgency to life.

Except...

Except, all that urgency centers around me. Yes, it centers around me doing good stuff and being good to people, but the central notion is that I have some gift to share with the world, or at least some specialness to share with a wife, and sometimes it's hard to maintain that. Consciously, I can tell myself that, but in the chemical roots of my emotion, boiling through my subconscious into my doubts and self-hatred, I don't instinctively believe in myself. Heck, I don't instinctively believe I deserve to live, but I think I've pushed that pretty far down (though the meds help, but always, all good things flow from God (but more on that below).

So I'm left with a struggle with my subconscious, which undermines my efforts and makes it far more difficult to cite some proof against my doubts.

But all of that... that's crap...

Let me make something clear. We are not dictated our natures by our emotions. My chemical imbalances do not have a right to grant or deny my future. They effect things certainly, but the fundamental decisions of life are made by ourselves. And by God, who then gives us a choice to follow Him. The choice isn't always spelled out in directly religious terms, after all, you can have the faith to move mountains, but if you do not have Love, you have nothing. Love, I believe a choice to follow Love, not as a particular relationship or circumstance, not as a simple emotion or need, but as an ideal, as a cause, as a force, as beyond description... that is the path of God.

That's my urgency. And from that flows my ambitions (though focused by what I believe God wants for me) and from that flows my belief in romance (for if nothing else, romance is a beautiful work of God's great art) and from that flows my love for people (in God's image, what else do I need to say?) and from that flows a belief in myself...

I feel tempted to hate myself at times, at times to be apathetic and uncaring toward myself, but while I try to steer away from self-centerness and arrogance, I can confidently say that I am loved by God. Personally, passionately, infinitely. God even sent his Son to die for me. Yes, this is the Love offered to all mankind, but God has no limit and neither has His Love. And if God deems me worthy of love, who am I to disagree?

This is my belief, and this is a religious one, but to those of different religions or the non-religious let me point this out. If you are capable of love, you are capable of something immensely, infinitely beautiful. Don't doubt your self-worth, don't even consider throwing it away. Even if it doesn't seem that way at times, everyone has a capability for love, even if they choose not to use it, or choose not to see it. And that makes us worthy, beautiful, and gives us an obligation to spread love.

After all, if Love is to conquer all, why not we do the conquering for it?

Perhaps I do not fully mean this, but here's a statement capturing the ideal to which I aim.

I love you all, take care of yourselves and each other.
(not that I won't be doing that myself, lest you mistake me for someone using that classic goodbye, I am not going anywhere, at least I don't think so, at least not profoundly, at least not yet)

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Bright eyes maybe

Now I have a poem which likely must go in for heavy editing (it was written during my high school years and is one of the best examples of my stream-of-consciousness phase, but I feel while it has a legitimately quality core, there are some aspects lacking now which sometime later can be perfected), but one of the lines is sad eyes maybe, which I might change to pale eyes maybe. But then again, right now I'm feeling like a man with bright eyes.

Cue Mr. Brightside

But then again, I've been on the bright side before, and pale eyes aren't too far away. If that transition made no sense to you, I'm sorry, but I think if you apply analytical skill to this transition and to the transitions before, and it should all make sense, with enough effort. But do you really want to spend enough effort on a matter like this?

Just puttin' on the ritz.

I've think I've done enough psuedo-meta-theory, psuedo-philosophical psychobabble for now, so let's move on.

Movin' on's been a big topic on my mind lately for obvious reasons: I'm going to graduate in May (barring disaster or dramatic reassessment of my plans). But here's one reason for staying more focus on the here and now:

Girls.

Ah, woman the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems.

I've already talked about all that in a sense or so. I can talk more about my feelings to the more lovely gender, but that would engender far more writing than I am willing to do now.

The writing I will do now is instead a matter of my newly intensified interest in the fairer sex. Now certainly, I've been interested in girls since I've hit puberty and even well before (even before I had a sex drive, I still liked the idea of being married someday and very much to a woman). But my desire for romance has always ebbed and flowed. And now it is very much flowing.

But what surprises me is most flows I've had have been related to specific fixations, crushes, and unrequited loves. This... this is different. Certainly I have prospects, some more attractive (I mean that in the non-literal sense, although of course some are more attractive physically than others, but I like to think that's not how I order the women I like) than others. But when the romantic upsurge started was actually when I was in the absolute worse place possible for romance: among family in a foreign land.

During winter break I spent two weeks in India, and that is when I first noticed a marked increase in my romantic poetry. That increased continued and was mixed by an increased desire for romantic stories and tv, etc. Now last semester I certainly spent some effort on trying to enter the dating world, but when push came to shove I prioritized work over dating. Moreover, I got a sense last semester that there was not really much point to dating, because the girls around me were likely not to be in my life in May. But now, still, I want romance, and I want it now.

That's not to say I need full love. I want that, but I find myself unusually tolerant of the prospect of dating (they say men like the chase, to me the chase seems just painful), just because I want to be around girls I like. There's something beautiful about women, something inherently beautiful. They have such a fullness of life to them, or maybe that's my imagination. But the feeling I get when I'm with a girl I like, even if women aren't as lively I might imagine them to be (alright I'll give you that not all women have that magical degree of life, but some special ones do, and they all seem special to me, although one I think will be very, very special), I feel a little bit more lively, like my life is really full.

But again, I didn't really want to go into the exactitudes of my feelings about women. Well, okay... let me just get to what I was getting to. I think why India triggered my romantic feelings is that... in India I was away from work and with family, and to some degree I was okay with that. Yet I knew there was a part of me dissatisfied with that, and yet... seeing my family, seeing the idea of family, suddenly I felt, just maybe, if I had a woman at my side, romantically I mean, perhaps I wouldn't really care if I was away from work.

Perhaps this puts my sudden willingness to put off working in a new perspective, maybe what I'm feeling is a desire for romance and maybe I just want to seek that instead of work for a while.

Perhaps.

Perhaps a lot of things.

More likely I don't need to concretely decide between work and romance... and if I do, well I don't need to decide right now.

Right now... well...

In touch with the ground
Im on the hunt Im after you
Smell like I sound, Im lost in a crowd
And Im hungry like the wolf
Straddle the line, in discord and rhyme
Im on the hunt Im after you
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And Im hungry like the wolf

And I'm hungry like a wolf... or something like that.

But anywho, I think I've got to get moving on. Work's a calling, and maybe romance too.

Karaoke equals awesome

Now I'm just saying. That's how I disarm all objections to all of my idiotic statements, I'm just saying. But Karaoke equals awesome is true and you know it, I know it, and if you're snickering because I said it, it's because you're lamitude is just so massive it's cutting off oxygen to your brain.

So since Karoke equals awesome and awesome band equals awesome, Live Band Karaoke (if you have an awesome band, which was the case with the Human Karaoke Experience) equals mega awesome, and so I had a good night last night.

I hit up Live Band Karoke, hosted by the Rutgers University Planning Association (RUPA!) (always a fan of their work) and I partied like it was some year that's highly associated with partying. It would have been cooler if more people had been there but...

Well, let me say before I just ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Ok, well why was this so cool:

First of all the band was pretty sweet.

Second the song list was massive. Not completely massive, but pretty massive.

Third the singers were pretty good. I mean some were a little tone deaf, a little off beat, a little sloppy with the lyrics and didn't know exactly when to start and stop (ie, some of the singers were a little bit like me), but there were a lot of impressive voices on display.

Fourthly, you're always discouraged from singing like a jackass, so why not go somewhere where you're actually encouraged to sing like a jackass.

So that was cool. And it was fun. It was good to have fun. It's been a taxing week, and so it's nice to feel alive like that. I only wished I felt the same off stage as I did on stage. On stage, or at least once I got about half-way into the song, I felt like a king, like I could do anything. But I step off, and I bit by bit I slip into my anxiety shell again. Most of the night I was sitting by this pretty girl and she even seemed to like my performances on stage, but did I say anything to her? No. Sure I didn't know what to say, but screw that, if I had tried at least well I could say I tried, but I didn't.

Well, in honor of karaoke and all those times I should have asked a girl out and didn't (including times when everything was so perfect, but...) (Weezer's Perfect Situation):

What's the deal with my brain,
Why I am so utterly insane, (completely)
In a perfect situation I let love down the drain,
Here's the pitch
Sure and straight
All I need to do swing
And I'm a hero
But I'm a zero (sound familiar)

Lonely nights once again, (Oh yeah)
Now this is getting unbelievable
Because I could not have it better (maybe I could but things are getting pretty good)
But I cannot get no love
From the girls all around (They never give no love to the Rand-man)
As they search the night for someone to hold on to
They just past through (They always do)

Singing Oooooh
Oooooh
Singing Ooooh
Oooooh

Get your hands off the girl
Can't you see that she belongs to me (well that never happened to me really)
And I do not appreciate this excess company
But I can't satisfy all her needs (well, that will probably happen to me later)
And so she starts to wander,
Who can blame her? (I sure can't)

Singing Ooooh
Ooooh
Singing Ooooh
Ooooh

Tell me there's a reason out there
Leading me to be prepared
For that day something really special might come
Tell me there's a moment for me
I don't want to be lonely
For the rest of my days on earth (sing it brother!)

(Guitar Solo! (that's one thing about the Human Karaoke Experience, awesome guitar solos))

Ooooh
Ooooh
Ooooh

Ooooh
Ooooh
Ooooh


So that was not exactly Weezer's lyrics, that was my recollection aided by a lyrics site, you can find probably more close to Weezer's lyrics here. Also I feel obliged to tell you that this is from Weezer's recent album, Make Believe. It also has a sweet video, it's not a 1-1 translation of the lyrics but it captures that same emotion of longing. And here's a cool AMV with Midori Days, (an anime and manga that's awesome), that also captures that terrible loneliness despite all the love you see around you (although it's a more literal video that Weezer's).

Anywho, I need to go and well, go home, but for all you cool cats out there, stay awesome. And take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember, Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And the return never felt better, except the time it did

So I've been missing some sessions lately. And I'm not going to elaborate why. Deal with it (preferably by giving me lots of money, you know if I had lots of money I wouldn't be missing as many sessions). Anywho, I have a funny story to tell you my good reader people and such, today I went a-speed-dating. Brutal. Yeah, just brutal. 3-min's per girl. Rapid fire questioning, the only way to avoid it: think of as many questions as you can. Blanking out 99% of the time. Constantly moving. Trying hard to scribble down the right name and number on the interest sheet so that she can get your contact info. Yeah, just brutal. And what do you get? A very off chance of actually making an impression on a girl. Now I'm awesome, but sometimes people don't realize that about me at first, they should, but sometimes it just doesn't happen, it's nobody's fault really (except yours Mel).

So that's speed dating. But heck, somebody might call me up and I might be able to get something nice from all this and that, so it's good stuff. Well, it's still brutal. I've got to wonder overall is all dating like this? Probably not. I mean if I know the girl decently before hand, her company will probably be pleasant, but there's a degree of nervousness that's inevitable in dating that just sucks. And there's so many people to go through before you hit one where she likes you and you like her and in that special way that a relationship forms. And it's tiring. Still no pain, no gain. But it would be nice if people just recognized my awesomeness, assessed their compatibility to my awesomeness and just came to me (I suppose this would be similar to saying I wished girls asked guys out more, so yeah, I'll say that, but I'm also saying that more people should call me awesome, for I AM RAND!!!).

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Have Mojo, Will Travel

So let's raise a toast to women: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

So a girl for, well, let's say I've had a crush on (I really hate the word crush, it is far too immature for feelings that can be a serious matter, and yet the feelings aren't strong enough to be declared love), well, she has a boyfriend. I thought that might be the case, but she had been out of the country for so long, well, the matter is thus. And so now I must bring this to an end, somewhat.

She's still my friend and a good friend at that. To be honest I wanted to spend more time with her because I thought there was a potential for a relationship. But I also like to spend time for her because it's just fun to spend time with her. I've been worrying about telling her how I feel about her because it might hurt our friendship. That was the case in my first heartbreak (who ironically (no actually this is in no way ironic, just a conwinkidink) lives near the girl I currently have a crush on (ie the girl who's the main topic of this post)). And although it might be a little uncomfortable at times now (at least I haven't seen her and her boyfriend together this semester, feelings usually only get really uncomfortable when you see PDA's (public displays of affection)), at least she doesn't really know how I feel about her. This means she won't be really uncomfortable around me, nor will I have to explain myself, and it gives me much more control over our relationship (I'm using that in the general sense of the word).

I'd hate to be the kind of guy who gets close to a girl just because he has a crush on her and then once she lets him down he forgets that she existed. That would be a truly assish thing to do. A good friendship is a terrible thing to waste. And so I do not intend to waste this friendship, but still, it all feels a bit weird. I'm actually glad to some degree, because feelings like those are a bit of a burden and it's probably easier to try to craft a relationship fresh instead of tweaking a friendship into a romance. But still, I had liked the idea of us getting together, and you can't dismiss feelings by flicking your fingers.

But I'm not going to try to steal another man's girlfriend, it's disrespectful to the other man, but also to the girl, herself. It has an essence of, you're all wrong about your life choices, to it, but moreover it's painfully disruptive to all involved. And she seems to have real feelings for her boyfriend (she has met his parents, so this is something significant), so 99% chance I lose against him, and then I'm miserable and our friendship is hurt. 1% chance I win against him, he's crushed, she's with me but torn, and it's an ugly situation. Plus the whole sinful nature of the business. I mean, a dating romance (the terminology of dating is really lackluster, I think I might have to invent some words) isn't a marriage, so this isn't an adultery class sin by any means, but it's certainly a jerk class sin and a sin against God as well. Even romantic relationships not sealed by marriage have a holiness to them that shouldn't be lightly trifled with.

So what to do with the feeling eh? Again, I'm almost relieved, but I feel in the pit of my soul a feeling that probably soon will blossom into sorrow. It'll suck, but I'll put it out of my mind. Whenever I think of her, some romantic thoughts might be hovering in the background, but I'll put those out of my mind too. I'll keep doing this until the feelings fade. I doubt they'll truly erase themselves until I actually find another girl, but they should become manageable. I actually had to do this same process for her freshmen year when I started getting feelings for her. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, and besides she left the country. But I was so sure she had broken up with her boyfriend in that long interval abroad, but I guess that wasn't the case.

I shouldn't say unfortunately that wasn't the case, because I guess I'm happy for her. I complain a lot about how lonely I am and how I wish I had a romantic partner, she found one, so good for her. As for me I'll move on.

After all, you can always say this about me: Have Mojo, Will Travel.

So, why don't we lift a glass to women, those impossibly enchanting creatures?

Why not lift a glass to all the girls I've ever loved and all those I've had crushes on?

Why not lift a glass to you, girl whom I had a crush on which now must be dismissed and tossed to the wind?

Actually, I'm drinking out a cup, not a glass, but here's to you.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Long and weary my road has been

It's best not to compare problems. There are many, many, many people worse off in the world than me. But I haven't had it easy, and it's doubtful I'll have it easy in the future.

But that's okay. I can handle this. And I have the help of good friends, good family, and the Good Lord always watching over me. I occasionally have encountered the comment, why would a being of infinite power give personal attention to a random guy? Well, random people become full, lovable individuals when you know them, and God knows us all very well. Furthermore, if you have infinite power, that means you have infinite power to watch over people and help them out, then why wouldn't a being of infinite power give personal attention to each and every human being.

But enough of that I suppose.

I've been watching a lot of tv shows that deal with the future. The Office (not obvious connection, but it was the episode The Job which revolved around promotion and a common question asked was where do you see yourself in 10 years), Chuck and Reaper (both dealing with nerds having trouble growing up), and How I Met Your Mother (which is narrated from the future and also involves growing up issues). To boot all of this I also watched the finale of Samurai Champloo which involved some tough choosing on what to do with the futures of the main characters. So basically future on the mind really(as you might have guessed from the examples I've been talking about, this is more personal future than sci-fi future, which is awesome as well, mind you.), so I'm thinking a little about me and my future.

Where do I see myself in ten years?

Where indeed? Mongolia maybe? Well, to make it short, a fairly prominent writer, with probably a novel written, and several short stories published and a regular journalist gig. Traveling would be cool, I'm not planning to move too far away from family (although since I have family on both coasts that's not too much of a problem) immediately, but as the future moves on I'd probably want to be more mobile. It would be cool having connections, and it might be cool to have some of my side projects come to fruition. I envision this webpost being fairly well frequented in ten years for example, but maybe also my Knights of Mars plan will be implemented (it's a faternal order thing, except without the fater part, I'll elaborate on it later). As to a girl...

It has actually taken me a long time to get to a place in my life where I actually envision a nice future for myself. For several years after suicidal impulses started really showing up, it was hard for me to envision myself not dead after ten years. But now I'm a little bit more confident. A little bit. But as to a girl...

I'm still shaky in that department. I dunno, when I look at myself in ten years, it would be nice if I was married. But it's not essential. My father often asks me in regards to my career plans, well don't you want to have a family? Yeah, I would like it, but I dunno, I'm not sure if that's essential. Of course, this could just be me fleeing my feelings of insecurity about women. It could be a lot of things.

I know right now, having a girlfriend would help me a good deal, probably. But 10 years down the line, having a wife... It was always something I used to fantasize about, the feelings of a strong committed relationship, and I still do fantasize about those feelings, but I also fantasize about being a political power broker. Is having a wife a secondary fantasy to me being a writer?

I'm actually unsure. Again, maybe it's just because being a writer seems more plausible to me right now than being a husband. I'm really unsure, but that's a matter of matter.

Long and weary my road has been, and it's likely to stay that way.

It's not so bad, my glasses are just tinted

I've been putting off writing a session for a while, for a variety of reasons. First mega, super, busy-ness. Secondly, on Saturday I did a session which took a lot out of me in terms of energy and emotion. Thirdly, writing a session given the first two reasons, would be confirming that this webpost meant something to me, and I'm a bit uncertain of what it does mean to me. But it does make me feel good and satisfied with my life, and right now I feel like not to many things do that. See the title line when considering what I've said here, I'm a little depressed right now and that's tinting what I'm thinking. But still this webpost does mean something to me.

I'm still uncertain how many people read this webpost, given my view counts the answer is: More than before, but still less than I'd like. Oh well. This project keeps me working and it keeps me working for myself, and honestly it keeps me creative. I think overall I've been pretty creative with my stuff here, although I'm trying to build up a little bigger audience before I go to my REALLY creative stuff. But in terms of productiveness and such I often end up writing up to 5 pages a week, which isn't bad for a consistent project.

I'm trying to sort out my life a bit because things aren't going great for me. I'm behind on virtually all my school work, but while that isn't something out of the ordinary, what is is the fact that I am failing a class right now. It is due to the fact largely that the teacher has an asinine attendance policy (I'm not saying that the teacher is asinine, she seems like a nice lady and all, but her policy is asinine, it's two absences then 1/2 a grade penalty I mean really). To tell the truth even with a more liberal attendance policy, if it were any that had any degree of strictness, I'd be in some trouble, due to the massiveness of my absences. My other academic problems are much more recoverable, especially since I got an extension from one of my teachers on a project. But even with the extension...

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired now and I'm only really able to keep my focus by watching tv (if that doesn't sound sensible, let me be a little clearer, watching good tv energizes me and enlivens my mind. Thus it keeps me awake (whether or not I should be awake is a different matter, but I largely just want to finish this session). I've had energy problems for a long, long time, more or less as long as I can remember. But lately it's been getting progressively worse. Or maybe it's just my perception of the energy problems. Or maybe it's just my laziness. I can't say for sure.

But beyond weariness of the body is always, always weariness of the soul. I am sustained by the love of the Almighty, but perhaps it's a lacking of faith, or perhaps it's just a desire for something better, but I am weary. And when I have a weariness like this, no matter how hard the failure of life hit me and tempt me with death, it's hard to be motivated to succeed. So I've been thinking about what makes me happy (and by happy I mean some real satisfaction happiness, not just a temp. high I can get by say eating a lot of junk food (although a good meal does have an element of beauty to it and that does give a degree of satisfaction like all art)), and how I can use it to put some energy into my life. Writing sessions makes me happy. Writing stories, heck, writing in general makes me happy. Working on the newsteam gives me some satisfaction, although it's tempered by the fact that I think I'm slacking off to a degree in that regard). Reading and watching tv for fun, somewhat, to a degree, but my restlessness makes it difficult for me to do that without anything else, and furthermore, it doesn't really bring out more of a happiness to my life. Friends, yeah, they make me happy (this is when you start singing I get by with a little help from my friends). But organizing get togethers is difficult and heck, overall social interaction is difficult, taxing, and hard for me to commit to (due to anxieties, fears, etc.) + there's a matter of time and busy-ness.

But perhaps what doesn't take too much time, and what does make me happy would making the girl I like smile. For some time now my feelings towards a girl have been growing into what might be called a crush. There's no good word for it, crush sounds to juvenile, and this isn't love. I'm trying to make sure I don't rush into a feeling like love headstrong without regard, and I've been careful to pace my emotions. But I could say I have a crush on her. And making her happy makes me happy. Just talking with her gives me a jolt of energy, although that energy can easily become anxiety if I become a little beet paranoid about the conversation (hence, I need to watch for that (one of the things I've learned about myself is the need to watch out for out of control emotions, because I've been down that path far too many times)). If I could talk to her every day, and if she liked talking to me, well it would be nice. As things are now, I've been pacing myself in my conversations with her, making sure not to annoy her with constant calling, etc. But in the last couple weeks, I've called her maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and those times have brightened up my days.

God does encourage relationships, so I suppose he doesn't mind if we seek happiness in them (although we must always remain first devoted to our Heavenly Lord). There was a prayer in Church last week that reminded me of that. But still, still, I feel like I can't be hasty in pursuing a relationship because I don't want to frighten her away, but I'm tired of being lonely. Then on the third hand, on the third hand (hey look I've got three hands), on the third hand, sometimes I feel like it's my destiny to wander the world alone, and I must accept it.

I dunno, I'm not sure what I need to do, what I want to, I can't say I'm terribly sure of my life right now. But God wants me to live. And I think God wants me to do something great with my life. So I press on.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Maybe. Or maybe the story is actually a different matter altogether. I don't know.

By the way, if that girl I do have a crush on is reading this (I almost feel inclined to say her name, but that would be rude to this highest degree and it would also have great consequences that would spiral out of my control (although she probably knows who she is)), yeah all I've said above is true. And there are more convoluted matters in my emotions that are not here but are also true. But put all this aside for a moment, and think of this. Do you think you could feel about me in a romantic way? If so, all I ask is you let me speak to you once in a while, let me see you once in a while, let me make you smile once in a while. It would mean the world to me, if you could do me that favor.

Creep

I'd like to think I'm not really a creep. But I do creepy stuff sometimes. Nothing I care to go into though. But part of writing is revisiting painful incidents far more often than is at all sane. Earlier this semester I had a writing assignment that while beginning humorous ended in a scene of painful lost love. That scene touched my heart a little and reminded me of all my lost loves. And then I had to revisit it. Again the painfully emotional scene hitting me. Then again, revisiting it. More painful emotional scene hitting. And then more revisiting, etc. Not very nice stuff. But that's what I writer's got to be doing. So yeah, creep.

I have a vague recollection of when that song came out, I think it was my early high school years, although apparently it was done in 1992 or 93, so that would have to be a good deal back before my school years, maybe around middle school or even tail end of elementary school. But I guess it was in high school my musicality was at its peak (or at least at its peak for that period, I'm having a new Renaissance of musicality right now) and so that was when I heard that Radiohead song, Creep. It struck a cord.

Apparently, the songwriter was talking about gender-identity issues with the song, least that's what he said. I took the song as sort of an outsider unrequited love song (part of the reason for my differing interpretation is probably because the radio edit changed a line from "You're so fucking special" to "You're so very special" but I get into some of that below). And so it felt very natural to me, who felt perpetually the outsider, and who in his early high school years had some unrequited love. I've talked about one case of this before, in my Here is Gone session, but as I noted there, that was about my second heartbreak, but this song resounds more accurately and more tightly with my first heartbreak, and so it is in the light of that I'm going to do some explicating (explication nation, what's your temptation).

Creep by Radiohead from the album Pablo Honey

When you were here before

She didn't just appear, she had been my friend for a long time, since elementary school. We used to walk home together, maybe around 3rd or 2nd grade. During 4th grade and 5th to some degree there was a separation of boys and girls and so to a degree we lost touch. But we still went to the same schools and greeted each other with friendship. In eighth grade I actually thought she would be the ideal person to have a crush on, and to a degree I suppose I harvested those emotions. But by the end of summer I had largely forgot of the matter. Until of course, school resumed and I saw her again. But those feelings had a different flavor to them, an intensity that I wasn't used to, which I embraced as love.

Couldn't look you in the eye

But while I embraced the feelings, I couldn't stand staying in her presence. I hated myself, I hated myself viciously, and being near her seemed just another opportunity for me to fail at my efforts of contact. Worse yet, it was an opportunity for her to see the person I thought I was, an utter monster. A creep if you will. (and I will, for I am RAND.)

You're just like an angel

I idealized her utterly and completely. It was from a distance of course so I couldn't assign to her definite idealized characteristics, so instead I assigned to her all idealized traits. I imagined her like an angel. A creature of utter purity. The only real traits I can assign to her is that she's kind and strongly social competent (she has a social comfortableness that is enviable, at least by one such as me), but it's hard for me to really fix her character beyond that because of all my idealization. So I thought of her like an angel. It's such a hollow description really, especially without any theology behind it, but I never had enough courage to make my emotions anything more than hollow.

Your skin makes me cry

Always with skin. It tends to be regarded as so important. As for the obvious matter. Yes, she was white, and yes I'm brown, but that really had no importance for anything, although I was paranoid about it. But in a more teenage sense skin mattered otherwise. I always hated my skin's oils and pimples. I can't say I'm too fond of them now, but I can tolerate my skin since I don't have much acne anymore. But back then, it was quite a bit. It added to my whole, I hate myself, and especially my body thing, and so it didn't help that she was beautiful. I can't even remember if truthfully she had no acne, but she certainly had less than me, what is true is her skin seemed perfect to me. She seemed beautiful and I felt unforgivably ugly.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world

She hung out with a more popular crowd, I on the other hand. I didn't really have a crowd. I suppose this is the point I should say I was fat (or thought myself as such), given the feather analogy, etc. But everything about her, the people she hung out with, the way she looked, the way she carried itself. It seemed so immensely better than everything that was me.

And I wish I was special

Back then I felt anonymous, insignificant, and pointless. I can't say I don't have those emotions now sometimes.

Youre so (very) fuckin special

She seemed on the other hand to be at the center of her own little world, and it was a damn nice world. The original version of this song I listened to (that is not to say the original version of the song itself, but the radio edit), used very instead of fuckin'. It does take the edge off this verse. I can't say I was angry at her for these emotions, but I was angry at myself for not acting on them, and I was angry at the universe for making me me.



But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.

I've never been quite normal in any social circle, and that sense of isolation, so heightened during high school and complemented with anxiety and self-hate. I felt I was a creep. I can't say I really was one. Probably the actually creepiest thing I did was, well, I didn't follow her, but I would remember where I saw her at certain times of the day. We all have our little habits after all. And I'd just try to be near her at that time of the day. I wouldn't want her to see me, because then she might think I was stalking her, or worse yet might engage me in conversation, but rather I just wanted to get a glimpse of her. My emotions would fill me then, and I'd get an invigorated euphoria that would fade the moment she left my sight and I remembered how lonely I felt.

What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Yeah, I can say I didn't belong. I didn't have a clique or anything in that sense. But really when it comes down to belonging on this earth, what is the criteria. If you're a human being, that gives you a certain necessity of spending some time on earth doesn't it. If you're born, doesn't that give you the right to belong to the living? And if you have a soul doesn't that give you a right to belong to God's children.



I don't care if it hurts

This line always reminds me of pimple popping, especially in combination with the perfect skin line. It was a nasty habit of mine, especially since I knew excessive pimple popping actually aggravated the acne. But I wanted so badly to feel pain. It fed the hatred so completely and satisfied it as well. A nice little vicious cycle. (just like a demon bike)

I want to have control

I've always had problems of control. Controlling my eating, my laziness, most of all my mental illness. Life always seemed to come so easily for everyone else, for her. However, that is one of those nice little lies we tell ourselves to makes us feel nicely persecuted. Everyone has problems, it's best not to try to rank them.

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

As much as I hated my body when depressed, I hated my soul even more. Because when I was in the depths of depression I believed I was an absolute monster barely contained. It was a good way to justify my self-hatred even though I believed people should be judged on their internal goodness and not their external appearances.

I want you to notice
When I'm not around

That was always something for me. I wanted to feel like I made a difference in the world and that without me people would be worse off. I suppose it is true, but on the other hand. On the other hand during my periodic absences from social life during breakdowns, nobody seemed really to care. But on the plus side, they did seem to enjoy my company. Still, it would be nice, if people noticed when I wasn't around, especially her. (Of course, you people, my loyal readers would notice when I'm not around, eh? Ah, bums! Meh, in the end it doesn't matter if people care when you're not around, God notices when you withdraw into yourself, when you breakdown, and He offers to carry you through the pain, as I have found out time and time again)

You're so (very) fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Let me tell you the story of how I confessed to her. My buddy Howard says it shows me as brave. I'd disagree. Anyways, in my high school and even middle school we had various services which would deliver cards and presents to those whom you had crushes on or just wanted to give a present to. I actually did give her cards for years since eighth grade up to sophmore year. However I always kept it as from a secret admirer. Until that final card. Sophmore year I decided to sign it as myself. And so she found out about my feelings. And then... I passionately avoided her for the rest of the year and the summer. Yeah, I really don't think the story depicts me as brave. But then junior year came around. The beginning of every year I always tend to be somewhat manic. So I had a great idea, why not invite everyone in the school to a party? It didn't work out so well, well, no it was fun, even if only 4 people came. But I had invited her, and then, then I was rejected.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want

To make a girl I like happy, that's just awesome. To see her smile. I've always had trouble reading facial expressions, but I know a smile is a smile. And so I give gifts, I tell jokes, I do anything to make them smile. But unfortunately I rarely listen to them, I usually am so self-absorbed, and so obsessed with the emotion of love, I forget to some degree about the actual girl. Perhaps really then, it wasn't love with this girl, just being in love with the feeling of love. With later girls I liked I've tried to listen more, and I consider my feelings more legitimate, but perhaps it's just the pains in that period leave me as somewhat cynical about that period in my life

Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special...

But Im a creep, Im a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont belong here.


And then after confessing to her and being rejected, after the party that didn't work out as I had planned, and after failing to really resolve a conflict between two people I cared about, my depression grew to a point where it became to much. I've always wanted control, especially for those moments like this when depression is this overwhelming. But I didn't have self-control. And so, well, let me not relate the exact details, but I resolved to kill myself. But in the end, I didn't even have the self-control for that. I was too afraid of pain, and so I resolved that I would try to overdose on my medicine. But then my father came home and stopped me. And then I was hospitalized.

That experience casts a taint over this period, and over my relations with that girl. When she rejected me she said it was because she didn't want to ruin our friendship. She also made several other efforts to reach out to me as a friend. I sort of ignored them. It was hard to think of her without thinking of that period in my life when I became obsessed with my emotions of love for her, and ultimately ended up hospitalized. It's a shame though. Friendships are something highly valuable, and not to be discarded. So maybe someday, when I become a little bit more mature I renew my friendship with that girl. Is that day today? Maybe, one never knows what the future might bring.

So anyways, that's the story of my first heartbreak. There's some lessons in there if you want to take them, I don't feel like spelling them out explicitly. I always wonder what could have been though, but that's usually a useless conjecture, not worthy of Rand the mighty and glorious.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Lies, damn lies, and love

There are a number of lies which color my perception of relationships with girls I like. Some are obvious and some are somewhat more subtle. I touched on some of these in my Irrelevant are the dogs session. An obvious lie there that I pointed out was my youthful romantization of dog (me)-master (a girlfriend) romantic relationship. I have to wonder, if I ever do get a sexual relationship, whether this will have any impact on my sexual tastes, but that's not for this session. A more subtle lie expressed in that session was the title, "Irrelevant are the dogs," the idea that the dog, the devoted admirer, will always have his feelings ignored is in the end false, sometimes this happens, but usually it is not do to the devotion but rather the other failings of the dog, such as painful shyness. Sometimes the dog-master relationship causes a romantic relationship to collapse. Sometimes the dog-master relationship perseveres, for better or for worse for the couple. Sometimes the relationship starts out as dog-master but then progresses to one of equals, I think this tends to happen to some degree as relationships mature and each member of the couple finds their complementary niches and areas of mutual effort.

I think that there are few rules that can really limit romantic relationships in the way they work. Men can be dominant, women can be dominant, an equality is preferable but the relationship should not be forced into a politically correct mold, even if there is good reason for that politically correct model. But these are just my ideas. And they might be lies.

I have had other lies. Perhaps the saddest and deepest relate to my first heartbreak, which I plan on relating sometime relatively soon (stay tuned!). There I lied to myself to some degree about the depth of my emotions, but perhaps worse I lied to myself about the importance to those emotions to my overall self-worth, which in retrospect set the stage for my first suicide attempt. But even with the lies I'm pretty sure I've told myself in the past, I still must wonder if I'm now lying about the lies.

I know a few truths. One is that a relationship must be a full commitment and while founded on love must be maintained by effort. Another is no relationship should destroy a person's core moral values, no relationship is more important than a person's relationship with God.

But perhaps this is the greatest truth I know about relationships, and that is that I know pitifully little about relationships, even less than the pitiful amount most people know, and yet, and yet my strong attraction to women, my desire for romantic love, my ambition for family life and for a strong relationship with a soul-mate, all these things guide me to another truth. Even if in the end I conclude that I am not meant for marriage, etc., now, at this point in my life, and for the foreseeable future, I must strive to date, eventually to construct a relationship, and to see where these things lead me, even if the path is hard and full of pain.

As it likely will be, groping around in the universe of romance, which is as dark as night and distorted by illusions, which thicken the air like the humidity of a monsoon. So it goes.

But who knows what truths will come when the cascade of lies is cut down?

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

So cute girl, where does your mind lie

Good evening, fellows and females. Let me make a little description. I know this girl (this is not the girl who I mentioned in a previous session I had a crush on, while I would not be opposed to dating this girl, I don't really have those kind of feelings for her, she is simply a friend of mine, who stands out in my memory because of a particular attribute that I would assign to her) who can be and almost certainly often is described as cute. I want my description to be vague enough that no one, most especially the girl in question will suspect who I am describing (if I was asked by that girl if it was her I would tell her the truth, this is a matter I would like to remain secret, but not so much that I would lie about it). Anyways, she is cute. I do not mean that in the general beautiful way, but rather in cute as in, I dunno, pretty, darling, or lovely but not necessarily sexy. I mean she is attractive, and she is not not-sexy or manish but she is not particularly prominent in the respects where you usually would assign sexiness (well, I'm not really sure on that point, I haven't made a detailed lookover of her).

She has a pretty face, a small frame, a good natured and friendly spirit, amusing, sometimes silly, and well, cute habits, and an innocent way about her. There are also other matters that render her to most cute, including some which are probably unfair, but which I will refrain from getting into due to my desire to preserve her anonymity. Now in general I have no problem with cuteness, I often enjoy it in media, objects, animals and people. I do get annoyed when cuteness disguises a lack of substance or is overdone to the point of annoyance, excess, or obsession. I also get annoyed when an obession on cuteness is a limiting factor on someone, becoming a facade they must maintain or reducing their intelligence to that of an infant. I feel that is a problem among women's culture in many parts of the world and sub-cultures. None of these problems with over-cuteness plague the girl I am talking about (at least given how much I know about her, which is a decent amount but not that much, but how much can one ever really know about another person? (Even taking that limit into consideration I'd still have to stick with I know a decent amount about her but not that much)).

She is overall a nice girl, a good catch. While I am not especially given to dating her now, it would not seem strange to find out that somewhere down the road of life we got together. Now I don't know really how this hypothetical relationship would work, but if it was one where piercingly personal questions were the norm or at least could be asked in a direct manner, I would ask her what being cute was really like. Did she enjoy being cute? Did her cuteness ever feel like a burden? Did her cuteness, even when positive, get in the way of the image she wanted to project? These are serious questions that I wonder about, because when a person has an attribute that is exceptionally prominent, often it is difficult or impossible for that person to turn that attribute off. And sometimes an attribute, even one such as cuteness, can be annoying to be associated with, can overshadow a message you want to get across, or can carry with it its own responsibilities. If I could I might ask her if it was like being funny?
That's an attribute that I've had to deal with. It's a positive attribute, undoubtably, but I never really intended to have it. I always rather wanted to be cool or reliable, but perhaps much more than those two qualities I am funny. This attribute sometimes makes it difficult for me to make a serious point and sometimes it carries with it a responsibility to entertain. But overall I like being funny, the burden it carries, while at times considerable is never overwhelming, and it is counteracted by the joy I get at making other people happy. I would like to be serious, cool, and known for greatness and glory, but I suppose I'll simply try to be all that in addition to being funny. I wouldn't want to leave behind an ability to chase away worries or draw out smiles simply for glory, it's too precious to me. I wonder if cuteness is like that. Or perhaps it's a different beast all together. While at times I can act cute, I don't really have a cute appearance, and overall I'm more eccentric than cute, and I certainly am not as cute as the girl I have been describing. If I really wanted to have an idea about what being cute was like I'd probably have to ask her, but that's a question that does not lend itself to most conversations, so I may have to wait a long time for the right opportunity to occur for me to ask the question. And perhaps that opportunity will never occur. Alas, but there will always be the mysteries of the places other people's minds do tred, and perhaps this cute girl's mind's place of rest will never be known to me.

That's all I have to say about that, for now at least. So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Inside Outside and Inbetween

Hello, hello, and hello, all thee who read these words now, hi. Anyways, one of the problems with topical sessions is that I need to think up a topic. Now I do have a lot of thoughts buzzing around in my head in a maddening buzzing phenomenon, but summoning just a few good thoughts to expand into a session can be difficult, especially if I don't have enough time to take one of the ideas from way back in my head which deserves a long, big exposition. But I've delivered a few topical sessions and perhaps it is time to return to the topic of me, and by that I mean my thoughts and random digressions from those thoughts and by that I mean...well, nothing much in particular.

Let me recount some happenings in my life, now before you groan and moan, and I know who you are if you groan and moan, I have powers you know, I will be brief and limit the happenings to important matters worth talking about (of course anything having to do with me is worth talking about but I will try to be selective), if for no other reason than because I really do need to get some sleep soon. The most notable happening is that I have begun an internship at WRAT 95.9 The Rat , a nice little rock station if I do say so myself, and I do. In other matters, I am looking for a part-time job because I need money because the internship gives none (I am actually looking for alternative internships as well because this non-paying internship actually needs an 1 hr. and 1/2 car ride (if I'm not speeding, which I usually am, or was, since I'm going to cut down on that now that I have recieved a ticket for driving, oh, just a little fast (20 miles over the speed limit), and if I get another ticket, poof goes my liscence), which means it is actually costing me a decent amount of money in gas (of course it is really costing my father, but if it's costing him it makes me feel like a bum), also it is a rock radio station, which while very cool, is only tangentially related to my goal job of journalism), I also am working on a new Comikier comic, which should be done in a week or so, plus I might start making strip comics for Comikier (to check out Comikier and other great and grand things of Rand, the mighty and glorious, check out The World of Rand). I was ambivalent about this idea for a while. On the one hand, comic strips could be printed in a newspaper, say the Targum (the only newspaper which has any chance of publishing my comics since it has a quota of student-made comics to fulfill), on the other hand the full page a full page comic gives me gives a lot of options. I can experiment with form, I can do longer storylines without multiple comics, I can do extra designs in the margins, etc. However, it does have a limiting factor, the comic has to be long enough to justify a whole page. And while I do have a few ideas of comics long enough to justify a whole page, those ideas need a good deal of work before they are even drawable, delaying future comics for a while, and while I have a number ideas for multi-comic adventures, Comikier is still kind of new so I don't want to immediately expose people to that. The strip comic is restrictive in size and form, however, I have a lot of ideas for strip comics, and I actually can arrange several strips into a page if it makes me feel better (this would also give me an opportunity to throw in extra side material in the extra spaces that I might be uncomfortable putting into a whole page comic due to the prospect of distracting from the story (with the page already having several strips the idea of multiple features is already present and so wouldn't be too distracting). I still have to ink the newest comic page and then I'm going to start working on some strips, the first one will be a strip version of the first Comikier, and then I might do some random stuff, should be cool though.

That's where I am with Comikier. Amazingly enough, given that I do Comikier irregularly, I don't even have a legitimate webpage for it (just an extension of my, sigh, angelfire page), I don't have many Comikier comics, etc.,etc., Comikier is not the most pressing matter weighing on my head. What bothers me the most right now, is that I think I like a girl. Now this may not seem like news, but after two disasterous non-relationships (complicated matters which I have to tread delicately on to avoid offending the other parties), I have been somewhat avoiding romantic matters. Overall, I've never dated, but while in high school that was because of well, the non-relationships, well, it's complicated, in college the matter was because of fear and ackwardness most of all. Now there have been girls I was more than average attracted to and at least one with whom I made a clumsy attempt at asking out (I may have been rejected there, I might not have, I'm really kind of uncertain), but the emotion I'm feeling right now is stronger than that, although far, far weaker than love, although it has potential, for what... I'm not sure. Perhaps that's what bothers me more than the other feels I've had for other girls is the potential I'm feeling (although, then again... I'd rather not go through the exactitiudes of my romantic history right now, maybe later).

Now how to deal with this, that's the rub. Ask her out you might be thinking, well, duh, of course, but that's not going to happen. At least not immediately, maybe after a while as I get a little bit more comfortable with these feelings, or maybe I'll just delay the whole thing until the girl slips out of my reach. I don't know. Well, I know what I should do, but asking a girl that I like out on a date is an awful large leap from my normal behavior (actually not as much as it seems since I'm really not that ackward around girls nowadays, and this girl is a friend), and inertia has always been a powerful force for me. So stay tuned to find out (unless circumstances recommend otherwise, I'll probably drop a note, perhaps just a sutle one, noting that I have gone out on a date).

That's about enough for now, so anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Here's to Valentine's Day

My last somewhat whiny post talked a lot about how Valentine's day made me feel lonely, and it does, but I don't want you to think Valentine's Day is a bad holiday. It's a celebration of love and love is something absolutely wonderful. In celebration of that, I'm digging out a poem, or rather a song, which I wrote when I was in love. I couldn't really dig deeper into my love poetry since most of it is either crappy or on a computer at home, but this is something that was very special to me. That's about all I have to say about that. To all the women I've ever loved, I wish you a happy Valentine's Day. To all the women of the world I wish you a rich and happy life. And to all those in love today, well, congradulations.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks! Goodnight Folks! And Happy Valentine's Day!

And the sole survivor watchs us all, he's got the eye of the tiger

I was tempted to just go with "Eye of the Tiger" for the name of this session, but I think that might sound too light and it sort of doesn't give the full feel of the song, which is sort of about the intensity of the drive to triumph (at least I think so), talking about the sole survivor I think more captures that and gives me a good tone to go with the session.

I'm tempted to say this session is about a part of me that people don't really understand, but that would be lame (I mean really, no one understands anyone else, and while that is at times sad, it also allows us to keep a part of ourselves private and solely ours), besides I think some people might understand this part of me, especially since I've explained it to them on occasion. I'm talking about my ambition, to be more negative, my lust for power. I was reading a review by Robert Ebert of the movie Amadeus (I recommend both the movie and Robert Ebert's reviews (thank you Jeff for pointing out how excellent they are, if not always correct (Usual Suspects is a good movie Ebert!!!))) and he talked about the jealousy of a man of normal talent who needs great effort to succeed towards a man of genius-level effortless talent (although I'd like to point out many genius level talents need to constantly practice). I understand that feeling even without personalizing it, but I can personalize it, I have felt that way. I thought about it and I realized I didn't feel that way towards other writers, I have from time to time felt some jealousy especially when reading particularly excellent works but never incredibly intense jealousy which was found in Amadeus (well, maybe a little in regards to incredibly weird works where I'm jealous of their unique creative vision, but that's not something that really sticks with me unlike what I'm about to talk about), in the end I am confident in the quality of my work and my potential as a writer. Who I am jealous about is the powerful, and that is because I am intensely ambitious. I want power, to some extent it makes me high, I wonder if there's a sexual component to it (based on my private fantasies, which I will NOT get into here, I suspect this may be the case), I want to shape the world. There is a somewhat altruistic component to the feeling, I want to change the world to make it a better place, but there is a more primal emotion within me that just wants power and influence, good, bad or whatever. I want to feel the nations of the world tremble before me. I am jealous of the powerful, of those who found ways to creep into power, of those for whom it was so easy to get power, for those who have genius in wielding power (I think there is a real skill and talent to wielding power, the best example of this is perhaps Lyndon Johnson, who lacked charisma but made up that deficit with an amazing ability to get things done even if at times his means were unethical and illegal).

Right now I feel powerless, and honestly I'm uncertain on how to acquire power or if it will ever be mine, at times I think I might have some ability to manage and acquire power, but my reality tend to deflate those feelings. I am a college student, I have no influence, I have no great strength, if I died tomorrow it would have an impact on those around me but it would not have a national impact nor a global one. At times I want power so badly it almost hurts, but I try to push that aside, I must live with my lust for power and I can perhaps take advantage of it, but I cannot let it rule me or destroy me. But it does drain me, feeling powerless I wonder what is the use of trying to succeed when my ambitions seem infinitely far away, often because they are in the end so great. I try to deflate them, to narrow them, and I can at times focus them on more short-term goals, but to truly dismiss my at times grandious ambitions seems for me impossible.

That said, I don't think this is a case where I need to be depressed without power. If I can feel that what I'm doing with my life is bringing me closer to power, I can derive some satisfaction from that fact, but I don't feel that way now. Primarily because I don't know the path to power, the plans I do have seem to ambitious and they are constrained by my old enemies fear and anxiety which in a little vicious circle feed off of my feelings of powerlessness. I need I think to find a way, a profession, something that can make feel like I'm making progress towards making an impact (spiritually, culturally, economically, politically, etc., I'm not that particular since I understand the importance of the various dimensions of power and I'm not a Marxian, man is not simply an economic beast), I need to overcome my fears and anxieties to do this, but I find it difficult, exhausting, especially since I'm trying to make progress towards making progress and so my ultimate goals still seem so far away.

So am I just ambition? No, I understand and prize the value of smaller things, of interactions between family and friends, of helping people on a smaller scale, of just finding joy in day to day things, but ultimately I find that is not enough. Maybe this is something I need to work harder on, but it's very difficult to find my life adequate without some quest for power. Except, except there is one other thing which I think can replace my lust for power. A woman I suppose (children too I guess but that's getting way to ahead of myself). I am at heart a hopeless romantic, and if I feel that I am working towards a romantic relationship I think I can derive a lot of satisfaction in life simply from that. That I suppose gets to the other type of people who I am intensely jealous of, people who have romantic relationships, people who acquired them effortlessly, naturally, in a way I can never hope to achieve. Maybe I can find romance in time, but it will never be easy, it will never be simple. As I have lived my life I have seen many of my relatives, siblings, and friends achieve such relationships and it makes me feel more and more emotionally retarded, and desperately jealous. The season undoubtably plays a role in this. It is nearing Valentine's Day and while I am saved from overexposure by my lack of TV, I still feel the day approaching (actually it is only 40 minutes away (I realize that the time of posting does not reflect that, but the time of posting only reflects when I started the session not when I actually posted it (yes it takes me that long to write a session, what of it want to fight (I actually think my love of fighting has partially to do with my ambition, although partially it has to do with the beauty of motion expressed in fighting, and part of it has to do with the intensity of the emotions present and depth of human nature expressed (I wonder if I started a fight club whether that would cheer me up, maybe but that is not a long term solution I imagine))).

But Valentine's Day, that is something isn't it, really, all my life I've wanted some girl to share that day with, but it's never happened, and perhaps it never will. Some people don't have romantic relationships, there are some who are not suited for them (the Bible actually addresses this although in today's culture we assume that everyone must eventually get married, ironically the feminist movement rejects this while often citing the Bible as anti-feminist, which it is at points, but my defense of the Bible (and I am preparing a strong and vigorous one) will have to await for another session)). But I want one, damn it! And I could use one. High school taught me, rather painfully not to depend on getting a woman to save you (I think perhaps I've overlearned the lesson of not depending on people, of course this also is part of my ambition thing, the more you depend on people, the less powerful you feel, generally, although I try to remind myself that that is only true when you're overdependent)), but having a romantic relationship I think would help to soothe my mind a little. Talking to a woman you care about gives you a sense of peace, not the kind of peace where you feel like you're taking a break from the world, but a sort of peace where you feel that you're still productive, still active, but at the same time completely satisfied with your life. It is another sort of high, but it's a semi-religious feeling (I think perhaps I over idolize the romantic relationship which will probably cause problems when or if I ever get involved in one). I felt that sometimes when I thought perhaps I had a girlfriend (an episode I'm unlikely to talk about here for at least many years after the fact to avoid talking about a person whom I still care deeply about behind their back). I'd like to feel that way again. I'd like to feel love, real man-woman romantic love, I'd really like to have that. But as Valentine's Day approaches, I must mark another year without that, or at least without a real relationship where the love is exchanged and not just a one sided obsession (although this last year did not really have that either, although there were girls I did like, the emotion did not rise to the level of love (I kept it that way by making sure to repress the temptation to overblow my feelings)). But what you going to do. Well, I could have done something today by going to a speed-dating event, but in the end I did not go. I probably should have, since now my only option is to approach my romantic prospects which I'm actually horrible at. This sucks, it really does, but it's life, and it's Valentine's day, so good luck to all those in love, I'm intensely and profoundly jealous of you, but I'm still the romantic and so I wish you good luck.

I should wrap this up, so to conclude, I've got a lust for power and I have no romance and both of those are fueling dissatisfaction in my life, and while I can work on that, my immediate prospects of solving these problems is not great and so, well, it sucks, but I'm going to have to get over it. I asked my psycologist if life ever gets easy to live after he told me to push past these negative emotions to get things done, and he says that if I keep pushing through the emotions it should get easier by repeated practice, maybe, but right now life's hard (and no I don't need to talk about it my friends, I've talked about my problems so many times I'm throughly tired of that, I understand you're there for me, but ultimately you can't solve my problems, you can help and maybe I should reach out for that help more, but really ultimately the problems are mine to solve). But like I said I should wrap things up, so well, take it to your heart, take it to your head, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Women, the Cause of and Solution to All of Life's Problems

I wonder if anyone does start reading this blog regularly and then meets me after the fact what they will think of me. But it really doesn't matter that much, especially since I've written nothing too off-putting, just mildly embarassing at most. Well, perhaps the whining would be a little worrying, but hopefully if I cut down on that in the future and if I can build a large archieve of these to dilute the previous whining ones, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. So on to other things.

Let me talk about a subject near and dear to my heart, women. Ah, women, as the title of this session suggests, they are the cause of and solution to all of life's problems (paraphrasing a little something from the Simpsons (Homer vs. the Eighteenth Admendment)). While the phrase is remarkably catchy, I think it is also amazingly accurate. Women have an amazing ability to make men sweat, just by their very presence. Around women we stand up straighter, hold in our gut a little, clean up our jokes, etc. I wonder what men would be like without women. I know I for one would probably be bathing once every three days, brushing my teeth half as often, and I'd probably be twice as fat. I mean sure I like bathing, brushing, and keeping my body in not awful shape for personal reasons, but all that stuff takes up time and energy and I need to deal with rather akward anxieties surrounding them. My own purely personal motivations aren't enough to drive me to take care of my appearance, however, I know that women are all around me, so I know I have to spend at least some effort (although I don't really spend enough time maintaining my appearance). But back to my point, women make men sweat. And that does make them do good things, but it also can overwelm them with anxiety, it's the two sides of the same coin, women cause men to perform, and performance can be highly productive but it can also wrack nerves raw. And that's just the mere presence of a woman, once you start talking to her, well then, that's when things get interesting.

It's been my experience that women are potentially calming figures in general. With other men, even friends there's this underlying air of competition, in some way we are competing, trying to show ourselves off stronger and better than the others so we can impress some woman, add to this a tendancy among males to be naturally more ambitious and agressive (take good note of the word tendancy, I believe while men tend towards certain personality types, and women tend towards others, the tendencies are not overwelming nor are they cast in stone, I've met women more aggressive than me and men much, much more passive than women) and you get a sort of tension when men get together that's not present when a man meets a woman. Instead, once of course the whole man's anxiety over appearance and behavior settles down, a woman can have a positive effect. A lot of this I think has to do with the female aesthetic and it's influence on men. The looks of women make men happy. Men like the faces, curves, skin, etc. of women (as you should understand by now I'm talking about heterosexual men), even in a non-sexual sense. Women, in general, are beautiful. Perhaps this is my personal perspective because I have perhaps a wider perception of beauty in women than other men (I realize that might sound highly vain, but what the hell, I am Rand after all), but being around a woman is often like being around a work of art, your mood is soothed by the positive aesthetic.

Right now I have only skimmed the complex relationship between men and women who are not in a relationship, but I feel I should move on a little to the relationship. Here my personal history allows me to show how accurate the idea that women are the cause of and solution to all of life's problems is, however, if I were too specific, I might make embarrassing remarks and possibly give offense to other people so I'll talk in more general terms. In a good relationship, women are highly effective in moderating the destructive sides of the emotions of men. Durkheim showed that men who are married have far lower suicide rates. When a man is in a good relationship he's able to find a santuary from all of his problems in that relationship, he also becomes more invested in life because if he messes up he suddenly has something to lose other than himself, so he's less likely to take stupid chances. I think men tend (again this is only a tendency not a rule) to take more risks and tend to expose themselves to more danger and so a good relationship between a man and a woman tends to favor the former more than the latter though undoutably, if the relationship is actually healthy it should be beneficial to the woman as well. That said, the relationship is often the source of countless problems for men as well.

Good relationships help men, yes that's true, but finding a good relationship with a woman is often difficult and can spawn many annoying and/or serious and/or annoying problems. I mean it's not hard to imagine this, a man and a woman have to form a connection in a relationship where neither knows what the other's thinking. One interprets something this way, another interprets it another way, suddenly there is a conflict which can overwelm both their lives with misery. Two people can never know really what the other thinks. Much of what exists in our minds is inexpressible, and so we are left groping in the dark trying to do the right thing to build the relationship, and if we do the wrong thing we are struck with guilt, shame and sorrow. It's not easy. I'm not sure if men or women have the worse end of this situation, but it's hard on both sides. Many a good man and woman has been brought to destruction by the struggle to find a good relationship, but we keep on trying, it is in our nature.

Ok, with all of that having been said, I will admit that the title and phrase exaggerates things. Women are not the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. There are problems, indeed some of the most important ones, that have nothing to do with women. My toughest problems have usually to do with crises of the mind, and although women sometimes intertwine themselves in these, ultimately the problem lies in my head not in them. Still, I have had plenty a headache from women, and yet, well, there was one brief moment when I felt like I was in a relationship, and whenever I talked to the girl I felt a wave of peace come over me, it was an intoxicating feeling, on the other hand when my illusions about the relationship were finally dispelled my mood plummetted. Still even those feelings were intertwined with my cycles of mania and depression during that period. Perhaps it would be more accurate, although bulkier and less catchy to say women, the sometimes partial, sometimes full cause of and solution to many of life's serious problems, but that would be bulkier and less catchy. And if we took a grander view we could see that without women we would not have humanity, and without humanity we would not have life's problems or solutions.

So here's to women, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!