And so they all exploded

The end... no it isn't for Rand is explosion-proof!

And implosion proof!

And nay, video will never kill this video star! (Go WRAT and WRSU!)

So bring on the pain and bring on the DOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Because A is A, and Rand is Rand, and Rand is awesome.

Etc, etc, so on and such and such.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Sometimes you're trukin' and sometimes you're trucked

My deepest apologies for my highly irregular posting schedule lately, I have been deeply considering my various plans for various things and various matters indeed. Plus there are matters of sickness and depression and busy-ness and etc., etc., indeed. But that is a matter of that and matter is matter except when it matters.

If I seem a bit strange of tongue today it is likley because I am beat, highly beat in fact, extra-special highly beat (actually not really that beat). The event which has drained my energy was a 5-hour drive today that should have taken 1 hour and ended at WRAT rock radio station. Instead I drove around and around and got well near Delaware before the radio station texted me and told me that I should just go home. So I'm pretty damn annoyed. And beat. Beatity beat beat.

Now, however, if I think about it rather more deeply however, I wonder why I am so displeased with this turn of events. I generally like driving, but driving this much is often exhausting and well boring, especially along roads that often look very similiar. But work at the station is often tedious and hard work, and probably would have taken longer time than my long driving trip. It is very well possible that I would have to do more annoying work (say emptying out a van or something) at the WRAT than I would just driving. And yet driving aimlessly was so much more irritating that a day of work at the WRAT, even a bad day of work at the WRAT (well no, a bad day would be more annoying, but a tedious day, one which was more tedious than driving, would still be better if it was working).

The reason for this I think, is the same reason that working at the day camp last summer was more annoying than my duties at the WRAT, despite the fact that task per task most of the work was easier. When I work at the WRAT I get a sense that I am building an institution that I like a good deal. I like the WRAT. It plays good music, it has good atmosphere, it is a fun place with good people. So even if the jobs are sometimes fun or unpleasant I get a joy from working there.

I'm not sure if I could get that sort of enjoyment from say a label-making company. I didn't really have that much attatchment to the day camp, and so it was more annoying, and a random faceless coporation would give me a lot less emotional connect than the day camp. I mean it would depend on my tastes matching the company (I could see how other people could get emotionally attatched to that day camp, but there my tastes did not match the corporation). I wonder how my life will be if I can't make a living as journalist I'll probably need to take a corporate job, I just hope it's at a corporation I like rather than one I don't like.

But even if I don't like the corporation, that is not the end of me. There are countless stories of people being drained of their lives by working at jobs they hate, and it is very possible (though overall not likely) that I could take a job that I hate. But I still can write in my private time, I still can hang around with my friends, I can still strive to become a writer. Even with a tasteless job, I need not lose the taste of my life. I need not lose my soul, if I simply refuse. And I can always refuse to die, at least in the part of myself that is most important.

Inside Outside and Inbetween

Hello, hello, and hello, all thee who read these words now, hi. Anyways, one of the problems with topical sessions is that I need to think up a topic. Now I do have a lot of thoughts buzzing around in my head in a maddening buzzing phenomenon, but summoning just a few good thoughts to expand into a session can be difficult, especially if I don't have enough time to take one of the ideas from way back in my head which deserves a long, big exposition. But I've delivered a few topical sessions and perhaps it is time to return to the topic of me, and by that I mean my thoughts and random digressions from those thoughts and by that I mean...well, nothing much in particular.

Let me recount some happenings in my life, now before you groan and moan, and I know who you are if you groan and moan, I have powers you know, I will be brief and limit the happenings to important matters worth talking about (of course anything having to do with me is worth talking about but I will try to be selective), if for no other reason than because I really do need to get some sleep soon. The most notable happening is that I have begun an internship at WRAT 95.9 The Rat , a nice little rock station if I do say so myself, and I do. In other matters, I am looking for a part-time job because I need money because the internship gives none (I am actually looking for alternative internships as well because this non-paying internship actually needs an 1 hr. and 1/2 car ride (if I'm not speeding, which I usually am, or was, since I'm going to cut down on that now that I have recieved a ticket for driving, oh, just a little fast (20 miles over the speed limit), and if I get another ticket, poof goes my liscence), which means it is actually costing me a decent amount of money in gas (of course it is really costing my father, but if it's costing him it makes me feel like a bum), also it is a rock radio station, which while very cool, is only tangentially related to my goal job of journalism), I also am working on a new Comikier comic, which should be done in a week or so, plus I might start making strip comics for Comikier (to check out Comikier and other great and grand things of Rand, the mighty and glorious, check out The World of Rand). I was ambivalent about this idea for a while. On the one hand, comic strips could be printed in a newspaper, say the Targum (the only newspaper which has any chance of publishing my comics since it has a quota of student-made comics to fulfill), on the other hand the full page a full page comic gives me gives a lot of options. I can experiment with form, I can do longer storylines without multiple comics, I can do extra designs in the margins, etc. However, it does have a limiting factor, the comic has to be long enough to justify a whole page. And while I do have a few ideas of comics long enough to justify a whole page, those ideas need a good deal of work before they are even drawable, delaying future comics for a while, and while I have a number ideas for multi-comic adventures, Comikier is still kind of new so I don't want to immediately expose people to that. The strip comic is restrictive in size and form, however, I have a lot of ideas for strip comics, and I actually can arrange several strips into a page if it makes me feel better (this would also give me an opportunity to throw in extra side material in the extra spaces that I might be uncomfortable putting into a whole page comic due to the prospect of distracting from the story (with the page already having several strips the idea of multiple features is already present and so wouldn't be too distracting). I still have to ink the newest comic page and then I'm going to start working on some strips, the first one will be a strip version of the first Comikier, and then I might do some random stuff, should be cool though.

That's where I am with Comikier. Amazingly enough, given that I do Comikier irregularly, I don't even have a legitimate webpage for it (just an extension of my, sigh, angelfire page), I don't have many Comikier comics, etc.,etc., Comikier is not the most pressing matter weighing on my head. What bothers me the most right now, is that I think I like a girl. Now this may not seem like news, but after two disasterous non-relationships (complicated matters which I have to tread delicately on to avoid offending the other parties), I have been somewhat avoiding romantic matters. Overall, I've never dated, but while in high school that was because of well, the non-relationships, well, it's complicated, in college the matter was because of fear and ackwardness most of all. Now there have been girls I was more than average attracted to and at least one with whom I made a clumsy attempt at asking out (I may have been rejected there, I might not have, I'm really kind of uncertain), but the emotion I'm feeling right now is stronger than that, although far, far weaker than love, although it has potential, for what... I'm not sure. Perhaps that's what bothers me more than the other feels I've had for other girls is the potential I'm feeling (although, then again... I'd rather not go through the exactitiudes of my romantic history right now, maybe later).

Now how to deal with this, that's the rub. Ask her out you might be thinking, well, duh, of course, but that's not going to happen. At least not immediately, maybe after a while as I get a little bit more comfortable with these feelings, or maybe I'll just delay the whole thing until the girl slips out of my reach. I don't know. Well, I know what I should do, but asking a girl that I like out on a date is an awful large leap from my normal behavior (actually not as much as it seems since I'm really not that ackward around girls nowadays, and this girl is a friend), and inertia has always been a powerful force for me. So stay tuned to find out (unless circumstances recommend otherwise, I'll probably drop a note, perhaps just a sutle one, noting that I have gone out on a date).

That's about enough for now, so anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

I want to be your sledgehammer

Greetings all (I'm thinking about starting every session with a greetings, just to make sure that this webpost (I'm trying to get this word to replace the awful, awful, ugly word blog) never gets too impersonal). You might be wondering what the title of this session will have to do with the session itself (if you're not wondering this you're a bum, BUM!!!), the answer to that question is... I don't really know. The song Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel was stuck in my head and that line seemed to be a nice title so I put it in there. I think lately my titles have been more and more like that, just random phrases in my head, which being in my head at the point of writing might actually by association of thoughts be related to the subject of my session but just as easily might not be. Anyways, this being a session simply on my life (well, not simply on my life, more about my life and the thoughts and ideas that emerge from the thoughts I'm having about my life) I don't think having a title that well sums up the session is all that important.

With that out of the way I think it is time to share with you the miraculous fact that I have indeed finished my junior year. Yay, wooo, etc., etc. The finals are over and the fallout from that will be coming relatively soon. But my concern, oddly enough for me, is not really concentrated on my grades but rather for my summer plans. I wanted school to end so badly and now that the year is over I am struck by enormous question of what to do.

One thing I know I cannot do is revert to my old habit of doing absolutely nothing. I have to admit it is tempting even if it does inevitably lead to depression and self-loathing, it has the attraction of sloth and inertia, doing nothing requires no effort, no change, no quick adaptation to new challenges. But it is also no life of quality or satisfaction and so it cannot be chosen by the great and glorious Rand. So I must do something, but what to do exactly? Well, one thing I can do is continue with this webpost, putting up sessions hopefully every day. Another thing is work on my webpage The World of Rand , and perhaps even get a domain name for it. Also, put up some more comics and work on my stories and poems and enter them in contests. Also, work on a family website with a family tree. Now this is actually a lot of stuff, and hopefully I can work on all of it, but I might not be able to. But the bigger problem is that none of this actually improves my chances of getting a job or gives me any money and so I am forced to take on something more formal (I really hate formality).

This leads me to internships. However do to late and inadequate planning I only have one internship opportunity, an unpaid internship at the Rat Radio station in South Jersey, a nice opportunity but not a great one anad like I said unpaid. This point is actually something of growing concern for me do to the fact that money is becoming somewhat tight around the house. I have been getting some pressure to get a job and if I want my projects to really pick up steam I need to start putting some money into them (like into a scanner and a domain name and maybe some professional drawing supplies, paying contest entry fees, etc.). Can I do both the internship and a job? Maybe. However it might be difficult given the enormous drive to get to the radio station, still, it might be doable, however, it is coming time for me to formallize how much time I will be able to give to the internship and so this might constrain my job options somewhat. This brings me to my job options. The easiest option and the one which I can do even with doing the internship full time is a job with the Princeton review teaching an SAT or GRE class. The more desirable option but one which would be harder to get and would make doing the internship almost impossible would be a job with the Princeton Packet. If I am going to pursue such a position I might have to cancel my internship, maybe perhaps, without even knowing whether or not I have the job. And then there are opportunities around town and elsewhere if I actually start giving some effort. And so I am faced with tough choices and a need for some concerted and sustained effort, neither of my strong suits, but I got to do what I got to do. School might never have been all that desirable to me but it had a degree of safety and familiarity that I don't have in the job world, still if I want to advance in my life I need to take risks and give effort and push past my fears and sloth and anxieties to achieve my dreams, even if it's annoying or even painful. The die is cast and I must cross the Rubicon into the unfamiliar territory of destinity, I must face the real world. Yes I have one more year of college but if I am to go for the risky field of journalism I will have to have good credentials and I will have to enter the real world now rather than later. There is no choice, this must be done or failure.

Well, that's not entirely true, there's always a choice, and there's always options and opportunities. After thinking about all the stories I've heard and what I've known I've come to this conclusion. If you search hard enough, commit sustained effort, and take risks you can find opportunities even if it's not in the normal places. That said, these things require searching, sustained effort and risks, like I said not my strong suits. But I am the great and glorious Rand, and even if they are not my strong suits I can still push through that weakness. After all, I have God on my side. And so perhaps I should (I'm saying should because given the irrational and often uncontrollable nature of my fears my fear probably won't do what it should do but I simply need to push through that) not look at the future with anxiety but rather with hope and confidence, because it will be good as long as I keep trying to do good with my life. I think the real measure of someone's life is how good a person he is and if you spend your life striving to be a good person and to do good with a spirit of love in your heart, then well then you're a good person and you've lived a good life. So I think I'll be alright.

Anyways, I need to get going, things to do and miles to go before I sleep (I'm always a little angsty about using that phrase because even though it's a good one and by Frost one of my favorite poets, it has a hint of death around it), so take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!