It's best not to compare problems. There are many, many, many people worse off in the world than me. But I haven't had it easy, and it's doubtful I'll have it easy in the future.
But that's okay. I can handle this. And I have the help of good friends, good family, and the Good Lord always watching over me. I occasionally have encountered the comment, why would a being of infinite power give personal attention to a random guy? Well, random people become full, lovable individuals when you know them, and God knows us all very well. Furthermore, if you have infinite power, that means you have infinite power to watch over people and help them out, then why wouldn't a being of infinite power give personal attention to each and every human being.
But enough of that I suppose.
I've been watching a lot of tv shows that deal with the future. The Office (not obvious connection, but it was the episode The Job which revolved around promotion and a common question asked was where do you see yourself in 10 years), Chuck and Reaper (both dealing with nerds having trouble growing up), and How I Met Your Mother (which is narrated from the future and also involves growing up issues). To boot all of this I also watched the finale of Samurai Champloo which involved some tough choosing on what to do with the futures of the main characters. So basically future on the mind really(as you might have guessed from the examples I've been talking about, this is more personal future than sci-fi future, which is awesome as well, mind you.), so I'm thinking a little about me and my future.
Where do I see myself in ten years?
Where indeed? Mongolia maybe? Well, to make it short, a fairly prominent writer, with probably a novel written, and several short stories published and a regular journalist gig. Traveling would be cool, I'm not planning to move too far away from family (although since I have family on both coasts that's not too much of a problem) immediately, but as the future moves on I'd probably want to be more mobile. It would be cool having connections, and it might be cool to have some of my side projects come to fruition. I envision this webpost being fairly well frequented in ten years for example, but maybe also my Knights of Mars plan will be implemented (it's a faternal order thing, except without the fater part, I'll elaborate on it later). As to a girl...
It has actually taken me a long time to get to a place in my life where I actually envision a nice future for myself. For several years after suicidal impulses started really showing up, it was hard for me to envision myself not dead after ten years. But now I'm a little bit more confident. A little bit. But as to a girl...
I'm still shaky in that department. I dunno, when I look at myself in ten years, it would be nice if I was married. But it's not essential. My father often asks me in regards to my career plans, well don't you want to have a family? Yeah, I would like it, but I dunno, I'm not sure if that's essential. Of course, this could just be me fleeing my feelings of insecurity about women. It could be a lot of things.
I know right now, having a girlfriend would help me a good deal, probably. But 10 years down the line, having a wife... It was always something I used to fantasize about, the feelings of a strong committed relationship, and I still do fantasize about those feelings, but I also fantasize about being a political power broker. Is having a wife a secondary fantasy to me being a writer?
I'm actually unsure. Again, maybe it's just because being a writer seems more plausible to me right now than being a husband. I'm really unsure, but that's a matter of matter.
Long and weary my road has been, and it's likely to stay that way.
6 months ago