I wanted to be all you need

Perhaps in response to my newest, I guess, prehaps crush, perhaps, but the point is that I seem to be dwelling in my memories of the last time I had, well, to summarize a complicated situation in a short and completely and utterly cliched way, the last time I had my heart broken. I imagine it's just a way of my brain telling me to stop trying and just give up on women. The relation between this and the title (not that there needs to be a reason between the title and subject of a session, at least in my book and my book is the only one that counts, especially after I start writing it) is that the title is part of the chorus of the song Here is Gone by the Goo Goo Dolls (I'm not a fanatic on the Goo Goo Dolls but I like them pretty well and especially, most especially this song, which is actually somewhat, although not totally atypical from most of their stuff), anyways, that song, especially that line sums up that heart-breaking occurance pretty well. When it strikes me there are parrellels between a song and my life I like to try to explicate it a little and so I thought I'd explore that a little (now this may seem a little random since, well, ok, here's the deal, I've wanted to talk for a while about the last time my heart was broken because well, it's a good piece of who I am, and this is one of the less uncomfortable ways to do this), so let's look at the lyrics and I'll explicate a couple lines with my life, let's do this!

Here is Gone
By Goo Goo Dolls

You and I got somethin
But its all and then its nuthin to me, yeah
I'm trying to do this in a way that avoids naming names, but I suppose since there are very few people who actually know or care much about our whatever it was, I can let loose some details. I met her when I was hospitalized in a mental instution, I got out before she did, and even after she got out we didn't really see each other and so although we kept contact through phone and email there were times when I could almost forget about her, when she was gone from my mine, but most of the time I was filled with passionate insensity about her, that somethin we had was nuthin sometimes but usually it was all to me.

And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah
I don't know if this really applies, maybe that's why I usually forget these parts of the lyrics, see while I had intentions, I wanted her as my girlfriend, I wanted a relationship, etc., she, she, well I don't know what she thought, but I don't think she had much intentions for me, she liked me at least at friend level at first at least, but the one time she actually really got into the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing she told me that she didn't think she could deal with that stuff at the time, my interpertaion of that was clumsy, stupid and insensitive, basically I thought well, I'll wait a while and then she'll want to be my girlfriend and then after a while I said, well I think we're boyfriend and girlfriend at least that's how it is to me, I didn't see if she was ready despite the fact that she had been having all these things to deal with, and maybe I'm being to critical of myself, but it was awfully stupid to just come out and say that when I hadn't seen her in person since I left the hospital. So if anything my defences were my delusions of a romantic relationship to her intentions for me, which were ultimately nothing


And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah
We were both dealing with breakdowns at the time, people warned me not to try for a relationship because of that, but, well I did, and so well, again to summarize in a overly-simplified and overly-cliched way, I got my heart broken



Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
If I still had any contact with her I would tell her that...I dunno, I never meant her any harm, that I'm really just harmless, and so there was never any reason to fear me, if she did fear me, I don't know if she did. It's another one of the dimensions of that situation which I don't understand. But I really wish that if we couldn't be girlfriend and boyfriend we could at least be friends, but instead she stopped responding to my emails and calls and so I have to assume she had a little bit of fear about me, and if I could I would just like to assure her that I'm not the one you should fear

We got to move you darlin
When she was still in the hospital I used to tell her that if she wanted I would break her out and run away from her. I was high on the emotion and young and said all sorts of crazy, stupid stuff like that.

I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
I would pretend with people that she was my girlfriend, I told myself that I was just simplifying the matter, but the truth was I wanted to pretend, but she never told me that she was my girlfriend and in the end all the romantic dreams I had of us came to nothing


And I want to get free
Talk to me
So much of that period in my life was just trying to get away from my fears and anxieties and my disease, but when I talked to her a certain peace washed over me, that's how I think you know you're in love, when just talking to someone can make you feel completely and utterly healed and whole, I miss that

I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
I knew she was still having problems and I wanted so bad to make them all go away, I wanted to be the one to take away all her pain because I felt that she could do that for me and I wanted to be the one she relied on, I wanted to be her superhero, but perhaps she didn't need any of that or perhaps she just didn't want it from me

Somehow here is gone
In the end that all belongs to the past, she cut off contact with me, and I no longer want to bother her with my attempts to renew contact. I did try very recently, but I think she made it clear she doesn't want to deal with me, even if she never actually said it. The thing is though, because I know she suffered from the same sort of problems I did I worry about the fact that I can't contact her, because what if she's dead, and what if it's my fault, and what if she's dead?


I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
I still don't know how to solve all my anxieties and fears and disease, I can make things better but I don't know how to get rid of all this, except to trust in God to save me

And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah
I never knew how to really help her, so no matter how I wanted to help her, I was not the answer but these lines, especially the second belong more to her, because in the end she was not the answer to my problems either and she probably would wish that I would forget you ever thought it was me

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past thats in between us
In the end this is past, and I'm tired of dwelling on the scars that these events left on me and I'm sure she is too. Of course, the past is a part of us and I like who I am and so I don't really wish it gone, unless, unless the fallout ends up really hurting one of us. But I really think I'm sort of over this, for a long time I would dwell endlessly on this situation and just like it once inspired me to write love poems the situation then compelled me to write poems of despair and then to despair so much that writing no longer seemed worth it, but eventually I moved on from it, still it is a part of me and from time to time my mind wonders to those days and it makes me smile to remember the good times with her and then it makes me sad to remember how things ended up, especially now that I'm feeling a new crush, not love mind you, but still probably, perhaps, an actual crush, my mind drifts back to this, perhaps trying to justify my fears of making any attempt to ask this new girl out

And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here
Like I said I'm not holding on to this stuff anymore, I mean it's a part of me, but it's no longer my obsession. But the second line doesn't apply to me, she never lied to me, but perhaps it's owed to her, I told her that I would do all sorts of romantic stuff, and I wroter her all sorts of romantic stuff but in the end I didn't see her in person once after she left the hospital, and all my romantic fantasies came to nothing (well, they did inspire various writings, including the epic poem, but when it came to what I gave her, it came to nothing, I always really did want to give her gifts and shower her with love, but while I gave her some random crap in the hospital and wrote her stuff, ultimately, in the end, it really amounted to very little), she could say very justified that all your lies weren't enough to keep me here and I could say nothing in response except I'm sorry and I didn't mean to lie, but that really amounts to very little and much too late


And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
I know, when I'm not paranoid about her being dead from suicide and depression or something, I know that she's still out there and I wonder and sometimes I used to even fantasize about what if I met her again, so, what was my love, well I know it's out there but since I can't really do anything about it, I guess that's not that important except for the comforting thought that the world's better off for having her out there

And I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
In the end it's over, it's done with, it is gone but the fear it brings still remains, and that's one of the reasons in addition to my natural paranoia and anxiety I've been so nervous about asking girls out and especially nervous about what I'm feeling now with this maybe crush, of course the whole mess I had with another girl before even my last heart-breaking also left scars, but that's for a different session

It's a good song is it not? Least I think so. I'm sure there's more I could write about this matter, and perhaps someday I will, but I don't feel like doing it now. So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!