Tuesday, February 13, 2007

And the sole survivor watchs us all, he's got the eye of the tiger

I was tempted to just go with "Eye of the Tiger" for the name of this session, but I think that might sound too light and it sort of doesn't give the full feel of the song, which is sort of about the intensity of the drive to triumph (at least I think so), talking about the sole survivor I think more captures that and gives me a good tone to go with the session.

I'm tempted to say this session is about a part of me that people don't really understand, but that would be lame (I mean really, no one understands anyone else, and while that is at times sad, it also allows us to keep a part of ourselves private and solely ours), besides I think some people might understand this part of me, especially since I've explained it to them on occasion. I'm talking about my ambition, to be more negative, my lust for power. I was reading a review by Robert Ebert of the movie Amadeus (I recommend both the movie and Robert Ebert's reviews (thank you Jeff for pointing out how excellent they are, if not always correct (Usual Suspects is a good movie Ebert!!!))) and he talked about the jealousy of a man of normal talent who needs great effort to succeed towards a man of genius-level effortless talent (although I'd like to point out many genius level talents need to constantly practice). I understand that feeling even without personalizing it, but I can personalize it, I have felt that way. I thought about it and I realized I didn't feel that way towards other writers, I have from time to time felt some jealousy especially when reading particularly excellent works but never incredibly intense jealousy which was found in Amadeus (well, maybe a little in regards to incredibly weird works where I'm jealous of their unique creative vision, but that's not something that really sticks with me unlike what I'm about to talk about), in the end I am confident in the quality of my work and my potential as a writer. Who I am jealous about is the powerful, and that is because I am intensely ambitious. I want power, to some extent it makes me high, I wonder if there's a sexual component to it (based on my private fantasies, which I will NOT get into here, I suspect this may be the case), I want to shape the world. There is a somewhat altruistic component to the feeling, I want to change the world to make it a better place, but there is a more primal emotion within me that just wants power and influence, good, bad or whatever. I want to feel the nations of the world tremble before me. I am jealous of the powerful, of those who found ways to creep into power, of those for whom it was so easy to get power, for those who have genius in wielding power (I think there is a real skill and talent to wielding power, the best example of this is perhaps Lyndon Johnson, who lacked charisma but made up that deficit with an amazing ability to get things done even if at times his means were unethical and illegal).

Right now I feel powerless, and honestly I'm uncertain on how to acquire power or if it will ever be mine, at times I think I might have some ability to manage and acquire power, but my reality tend to deflate those feelings. I am a college student, I have no influence, I have no great strength, if I died tomorrow it would have an impact on those around me but it would not have a national impact nor a global one. At times I want power so badly it almost hurts, but I try to push that aside, I must live with my lust for power and I can perhaps take advantage of it, but I cannot let it rule me or destroy me. But it does drain me, feeling powerless I wonder what is the use of trying to succeed when my ambitions seem infinitely far away, often because they are in the end so great. I try to deflate them, to narrow them, and I can at times focus them on more short-term goals, but to truly dismiss my at times grandious ambitions seems for me impossible.

That said, I don't think this is a case where I need to be depressed without power. If I can feel that what I'm doing with my life is bringing me closer to power, I can derive some satisfaction from that fact, but I don't feel that way now. Primarily because I don't know the path to power, the plans I do have seem to ambitious and they are constrained by my old enemies fear and anxiety which in a little vicious circle feed off of my feelings of powerlessness. I need I think to find a way, a profession, something that can make feel like I'm making progress towards making an impact (spiritually, culturally, economically, politically, etc., I'm not that particular since I understand the importance of the various dimensions of power and I'm not a Marxian, man is not simply an economic beast), I need to overcome my fears and anxieties to do this, but I find it difficult, exhausting, especially since I'm trying to make progress towards making progress and so my ultimate goals still seem so far away.

So am I just ambition? No, I understand and prize the value of smaller things, of interactions between family and friends, of helping people on a smaller scale, of just finding joy in day to day things, but ultimately I find that is not enough. Maybe this is something I need to work harder on, but it's very difficult to find my life adequate without some quest for power. Except, except there is one other thing which I think can replace my lust for power. A woman I suppose (children too I guess but that's getting way to ahead of myself). I am at heart a hopeless romantic, and if I feel that I am working towards a romantic relationship I think I can derive a lot of satisfaction in life simply from that. That I suppose gets to the other type of people who I am intensely jealous of, people who have romantic relationships, people who acquired them effortlessly, naturally, in a way I can never hope to achieve. Maybe I can find romance in time, but it will never be easy, it will never be simple. As I have lived my life I have seen many of my relatives, siblings, and friends achieve such relationships and it makes me feel more and more emotionally retarded, and desperately jealous. The season undoubtably plays a role in this. It is nearing Valentine's Day and while I am saved from overexposure by my lack of TV, I still feel the day approaching (actually it is only 40 minutes away (I realize that the time of posting does not reflect that, but the time of posting only reflects when I started the session not when I actually posted it (yes it takes me that long to write a session, what of it want to fight (I actually think my love of fighting has partially to do with my ambition, although partially it has to do with the beauty of motion expressed in fighting, and part of it has to do with the intensity of the emotions present and depth of human nature expressed (I wonder if I started a fight club whether that would cheer me up, maybe but that is not a long term solution I imagine))).

But Valentine's Day, that is something isn't it, really, all my life I've wanted some girl to share that day with, but it's never happened, and perhaps it never will. Some people don't have romantic relationships, there are some who are not suited for them (the Bible actually addresses this although in today's culture we assume that everyone must eventually get married, ironically the feminist movement rejects this while often citing the Bible as anti-feminist, which it is at points, but my defense of the Bible (and I am preparing a strong and vigorous one) will have to await for another session)). But I want one, damn it! And I could use one. High school taught me, rather painfully not to depend on getting a woman to save you (I think perhaps I've overlearned the lesson of not depending on people, of course this also is part of my ambition thing, the more you depend on people, the less powerful you feel, generally, although I try to remind myself that that is only true when you're overdependent)), but having a romantic relationship I think would help to soothe my mind a little. Talking to a woman you care about gives you a sense of peace, not the kind of peace where you feel like you're taking a break from the world, but a sort of peace where you feel that you're still productive, still active, but at the same time completely satisfied with your life. It is another sort of high, but it's a semi-religious feeling (I think perhaps I over idolize the romantic relationship which will probably cause problems when or if I ever get involved in one). I felt that sometimes when I thought perhaps I had a girlfriend (an episode I'm unlikely to talk about here for at least many years after the fact to avoid talking about a person whom I still care deeply about behind their back). I'd like to feel that way again. I'd like to feel love, real man-woman romantic love, I'd really like to have that. But as Valentine's Day approaches, I must mark another year without that, or at least without a real relationship where the love is exchanged and not just a one sided obsession (although this last year did not really have that either, although there were girls I did like, the emotion did not rise to the level of love (I kept it that way by making sure to repress the temptation to overblow my feelings)). But what you going to do. Well, I could have done something today by going to a speed-dating event, but in the end I did not go. I probably should have, since now my only option is to approach my romantic prospects which I'm actually horrible at. This sucks, it really does, but it's life, and it's Valentine's day, so good luck to all those in love, I'm intensely and profoundly jealous of you, but I'm still the romantic and so I wish you good luck.

I should wrap this up, so to conclude, I've got a lust for power and I have no romance and both of those are fueling dissatisfaction in my life, and while I can work on that, my immediate prospects of solving these problems is not great and so, well, it sucks, but I'm going to have to get over it. I asked my psycologist if life ever gets easy to live after he told me to push past these negative emotions to get things done, and he says that if I keep pushing through the emotions it should get easier by repeated practice, maybe, but right now life's hard (and no I don't need to talk about it my friends, I've talked about my problems so many times I'm throughly tired of that, I understand you're there for me, but ultimately you can't solve my problems, you can help and maybe I should reach out for that help more, but really ultimately the problems are mine to solve). But like I said I should wrap things up, so well, take it to your heart, take it to your head, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

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