Because its time to turn and face the strange

Once again, much like Mr. Bowie, time is taking me through changes as one chapter of my life passes to another. And what will this one hold?

I have finished my employment at TradingMarkets, a matter which was destined to come to pass sooner or later, and to recite once again what I have told most everyone, at least it ended on good terms and I got severance. And more or less that's the sum of my feelings about the matter. I will miss the people there, but I think better opportunities lie ahead, I would have liked things to not have come so out of the blue, but on the other hand it would have been irritating if it was dragged out over a while.

My job at TradingMarkets taught me a good deal about web development and all that jazz, but perhaps more importantly it gave me some experience with dealing with the odd universe of the working world, which hopefully will get me a better handle on things when I approach my next place of employment.

Maybe the biggest lesson of my time at TradingMarkets though, was the realization that the essentials of work really hadn't changed from high school to college to employment. You work hard, play the cards you're dealt, and don't take things too seriously. Of course what that means in a particular situation differs from place to place, time to time, etc., and I'm sure that despite my experiences my next employer will have many surprises and challenges, et al. But that's life, and all and all it's not too bad.

But the future... well first let me say the present isn't looking too bad. I've got a number of projects lined up to keep me busy, plus there's job hunting itself. But beyond that, at least for the moment, I think I'll try to catch up a little on relaxation and socialization, though sooner or later, I am going to have to dive into a new job... which I think ought be all for the better.

And if it isn't, well, I've got God, family and friends, things will work out. Indeed, I have more than all I'll need for a lifetime, and so things have already worked out and I'm just watching things unfold. The future might be bright and filled with fanciness, or it might not, but that's okay, at least it'll be filled with those strange creatures called people, and that'll keep it all pretty interesting.

How did I get here? Really, how? Who and why as well

And the days go by and the water flowing underground...

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

And if you'd like to make sure that it's all the same as it ever was, here's the lyrics

But damn... it's weird... I really don't think I was going to be here. In fact, in high school I considered myself distinctly un-technical and was somewhat proud for bucking the Indian computer whiz stereotype (But then I decided to buy a stereo...). On the other hand my oldest brother's a tech whiz and I took a bunch of comp-sci classes and I also was involved with the Computer Club (which I tried to steer into a creating sentient artificial intelligence direction, but they said it was "unrealistic" and "delusional").

Still the comp-sci-y part of me always seemed a little less than the other parts and that my career would take me...

But what is a career? (let's look at webster..., though dude Webster, shiny-ness does not excuse a website so crowded with slow running js that it's barely usable (yeah I'm looking at you Mashable))

In a lot of ways, who I am, highly religious, writer-ly, and overall a jack-of-all-trades, hasn't changed much from my days as a 5-year old... but damn...

I guess a lot of my amazement at who I am now comes from 3 things:

1. I went through a period where any prospect of the future seemed unrealistic since I thought death was imminent
2. On occasion my imagination runs away with my ambition (but they never actually elope! I mean really!) and I have dreams of myself as widely read and respected and yet only a tiny bit older, if not younger
3. Perhaps most importantly of all, it's the gestalt of it all. Even if I might imagine a bit of myself here or there, to imagine the whole of my being... can I even conceive of it? (I'm pretty sure actually that I can't).

But while there's certain romantics to my surprise, a greater significance maybe the lesson learned. That is to say, if I did not predict who I am now, will I be able to know what I will become. And thus "How did I get here?" begets "Where am I going?"

But actually I know the answer to that...

I'm going to see the King

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks.

Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Jersey City here I am

What an odd turn of events. For most of my life Jersey City was a place existing but not a matter of thought. And here I am, living in Jersey City, few blocks away from Journal Square station. Damn, and last year I was wondering whether I was going to move to San Francisco. I go back further and I find this point in my life is even more unimaginable (I'm pretty sure that sentence lacked grammatical sense, but there's a gist of it that I think you can understand it).

Yet here I am. The mind reels.

I remember when I was in Elementary School and figured that I was going to be a doctor and then a politician. I suppose that would put me in Med School right now. But that figuring was based largely on a utilitarian consideration of what would best allow me to help people on a small scale and then on a large scale. Though the latter part of the dream, presidency, persisted with me for quite a while. And then there was the island...

But that's neither here or there, point is, despite various plans and schemes, and for many reasons, I graduated college with neither a plan or a profession and... something, something.

And so I found myself working with computers and stuff. And then I found myself doing an 1 1/2 hr. commute to NYC and neglected my life outside of that. And then I found myself unemployed. And then I found myself getting a new job. Dude. But then I still had the 1hr commute or so to Jersey City. And so hence I'm here.

Actually that all made perfect sense.

What makes less sense is my sense of purpose, et al., which was once quite a bit stronger. I dream dreams, it's what I do, and I have still some great ambitions, but I've come to terms with the fact that success is something that may come or may not, and I'm not terribly worried about it.

Which leaves me not terribly worried about much. Which bugs me. But then again, whenever my feelings fall upon that zone, I always end up remembering stuff.

I got family, friends, dreams to work on. I'm doing alright. And In those family, friends + dreams, I do have stuff requiring urgency et al.

Honestly, I have to say I have at times been neglectful of my friends, family, and perhaps even my dreams. But that's what tomorrow's for right?

And so raise a glass with me, mine will be filled with orange juice of course, and let me toast to all the girls I've ever loved and God, the founder of the feast.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Lest you think me always a fool

Once upon a time I dreamed of politics...

I once mentioned to a professor that I was interested in getting into politics. His words were “Why would you want to do that to yourself?” I was surprised by his response but his question was valid. Getting into the world of politics is hard work, it is often a messy business and you are forced to deal with difficult and complex choices. And yet politics has always appealed to me, even since my youth. One of my early memories was watching the TV as the electoral votes accumulated behind George Bush and Bill Clinton, while only a zero sat behind Ross Perot. Later as I advanced in my schooling, I learned about political scandals and heard of bitter debates which divided friends, and so I was tempted to expunge politics from my mind. But the effort was in vaind, politics was just too attractive for me to refuse it.

Part of my attraction is based on the idea that politics allows me a chance to make a difference. It's a cliché concept, but it is still appealing nonetheless. Being involved in politics, in the thoughts and debates over how the country should be run, even being involved in the government without any ideological component, gives me an opportunity to help improve the world, if only in a small way. Politics is influential and being part of it gives me an opportunity tobecome influential. Through increasing regulation or decreasing it, through steering the government conservatively or liberally, the actions of those involved in politics send vibrations throughout the wider world. Given the size and scope of the governemnt and the prestige and prominance it holds, those involved in politics can influence the world even without any desire to change policy. If those involved in politics are simply more efficient, then the government will be more efficient and all the business ventures, educational enterprises, and bureaucracies which are involved in, regulated by, or receive assistance from the government become more efficient. Getting involved in the government, or in politics, allows me to become a part of the impact that politics has on the nation. To be honest, though, politics is not the only way to make a difference. Art, charity, and a number of other fields also offer an opportunity to change the wolrd, although perhaps to a lesser degree than politics. And so while my desire to make a difference explains part of my attraction to politics, it is not the only reason.

Perhaps the most important factor in my desire to get involved in politics is simply that I find politics fascinating. Politics is the result of the votes, opinions, and actions of the entire population as well as the day-to-day interaction between politicians. There are a million stories in those thoughts and meetings, the stories of peaceful cultural movements that bring down racist demagogues, the stories of the quiet bureaucrats who manage the logistics wthat save the lives of our soldiers, the stories of men and women who resist corruption and the tragic stories of those who fall to it. These stories tickle the imagination and engross the analytical mind, and part of the reason I am so enchanted by politics. And yet there is more than that. Politics is also history unfolding. Thea citons of the government today set the stage for what will happen in thew world tommorow. Wise foreign policy decisions can promote peace, a faulty economic policy can provoke a recession, a well-informed educational policy can open opportunity to millions. And beyond policy, if the government earns the respect of the people and inspires them through its actions, then the cultural atmosphere of the nation will be lifted in spirit. The influence politics has on history has always been an irresistible lure for me, and has guaranteed that my attention remains with politics.

Politics is often a thankless field. Voters expect everything from politicians, and blame them for everything that goes wrong. Yet I still find politics immensely attractive. Part of it is my desire to make a difference, but a large part of it is that I just find politics immensely interesting. That is why I'd like to become part of the political world, even if in a role that does not involve my personal opinions. To simply become part of the political process would be a wonderful experience, it would engage my interest and offer me an opportunity to serve the people through the politics and perhaps make a difference that way. Politics is a pert of me, even if I tried to get rid of my interest in poltics, and I have tried, it would still be a part of me. And so, despite the fact that I know the political world is not necessarily a pretty one or a happy one, I still think that it is an honor to get involved in it.

A good old fashioned shootout between me and my brain

Won't this be lovely?

I did not picture myself where I am now while I was at high school. Actually, thinking back, my vision for the future in high school was a blur of unrealistic dreams and grand ambitions. As I moved into college this vision slowly imploded in on itself until I was left with the void of a nagging certainty that I would die in the relative near-term.

Well, the latter is gone, least mostly so. The former though...

The height of the former unrealistic dreams of high school was me running my own island. That's not going to happen, well, it might, I'm not ruling it out, but I wouldn't count on it (then again, if I win that bet with a certain emir of Dubai...).

I've been working on a new sense of things, all and all and such.

The result is that I'm sort of working toward a creative life, trying to at least.

But here's the key, here's the key (other than doing this lame stop/start blogging):

I gotta have confidence.

I dunno know how I'm going to get that.

Yet I don't feel despair exactly, I have a general sense of the future I want and I have a general sense of a logical belief in my ability to succeed, but..

But DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But it's going to be hard. I'm going to try to do things that'll be hard for me to do. I'm going to be disappointed with my failures and poorly satisfied with my defeats. But I want a future that I can find satisfaction in, and that's going to be tough, and that's going to hurt.

Still I will conquer, for God is with me, and not even I can be against me if God is with me.

I stand at the base of the mountain, staring at a dizzing climb and I am just sighing before I begin my ascent, hopefully to where good things dwell.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Ah, the savage winds of history

I'm musing over quite the session in my head, which may or may not mean it may come to naught. But in the mean while I'm going to start moving over some posts from a few short-lived specialty blogs which may return someday, but till then still deserve their moment in the sun. And with no further ado, here is The History Cometh with "Ah, the savage winds of history":

And so I can't say I'm a master historian. Yet I'd say I'm something more than an amateur. I could probably fit the mold of an expert, I haven't invested my life in history, but I've studied it in a concentrated sort these last four years (ie. I'm a history major), and I have a massive interest in the subject that keeps me up to date. Moreover I like to play around with historical ideas and such and...

So why not be a historian?

Well, maybe I will someday. I've got enough of a life out there to change my direction three or four times. But for now I am possessing of an active spirit far too restless for the ivory tower or even the back-roads of academia which travel around the world but only in certain circles. My current focus now is becoming a journalist, a profession which I believe will have an activeness to suit me. Moreover, also I have not the taste for the rigidness of academic rules and I think journalism will free me for that. But perhaps times will change me. Who knows?

But for now, I think I will indulge the historical side of me by writing greatly of that subject no other place than right here!

It should be fun, and I think you'll like it.

Stay tuned!

Sometimes not knowing is okay, Not this time though

Ah, but what if knowing is not showing then what I ask you then what?
Still I remain perplexed on an emotion.
Unable to grasp it in my hand
Slim and slip away
Shimmer
Don't it?

Vaguarity is an issue, or not, since it's not a word
But the big matter
Is a matter of time
And space
The here and the now being the obstacles
To reflection and reorientation
Or overcoming

But what then is there to overcome
And what is

What then

What

Ah, beautiful chaos

Even more beautiful were it not in my head

Space Oddity

It's been a while since I really made an effort to find good links for this blog, and the occasion did remind of why. Despite having found superb music videos on the interweb, checking for these videos for quality always ends up causing my session-writing time to go up by an order-of-magnitude. Oh, well, it's not like I have anything tomorrow, just work.

Well, here are the fruits of this particular labor:
A classic music video of Space Oddity by David Bowie
The music set to scenes of the amazing anime movie Royal Space Force: Wings of Honneamise.

To top it off here's the lyrics.

The thought came to my mind for so many, many reasons, top of which is BOWIE rocks!!! (The Guild of Calaminous Intent doesn't deserve such a man!)

But I was thinking about some matters, especially about professionalism (I can't believe the Simpsons "To Professionalism!" scene isn't on youtube yet (season 8, homer's enemy, after being told he ought to be more professional, Homer, sitting in him car about to drive to work in the morning, cries out "TO PROFESSIONALISM!" and pulls out a bottle of champaign and starts chugging it. Sooner or later, I got to try that out at my job.) And I had talked to someone who had recommended a professional relationship on a matter (as this vagueness might imply this is a rumination on a personal matter with a subject who may or may not be reading this post, and my rule of thumb is to not rule with my thumb and keep people anonymous most generally).

The essence of the matter and the thoughts which I consider interesting enough to outweigh the awkwardness of writing about this situation is that the implied opinion I got form this person was that professional relationships were important, and I could not help but find this inconceivably odd.

Now I am an odd man. There is a denying that, weighing my oddness against the general oddity of people in general, and one could also weigh it against how normal I might be if I applied myself. But I am comfortable in declaring myself odd overall. I think thoughts rarely thought, I do things in a manner rarely copied, and I in general have a certain tension between my way of living and the way of living common to the world around me, and by those measures I am odd. I've come to peace with that more or less, but it leaves me admittedly with little ground to call someone else odd.

Now the arguer on professional relationships is I think odd, all and all, but the opinion expressed was perhaps less odd than my own, and so perhaps that point can not be listed as a factor of oddity. The position that I have come to realize might be quite common but which I thought was odd at first, is that at work relationships should be restricted to professional relationships so you can do your work without distraction to the maximum of your potential. I have to say, that just seemed ridiculous.

But upon thinking of it, I think most people, or at least a lot of people, to a lesser or greater degree believe in these sort of professional relationships. Then perhaps I'm the odd-man out, but that's never been a fault for me.

In the end, I don't believe in professional relationships because, meh, work's work, it's really not important enough to infringe on relationships. I mean people's are peoples after all. Then there's the Christian aspect. I take a very idealized view of love, (platonic, familial, and romantic, etc.) and take this world and its haughty workings purposefully lightly. But perhaps I can understand how other people can take their work seriously, especially if this is the work that really touches on something central to their identity. Maybe, maybe perhaps if I were a professional writer...

Yet then again, I suppose I do have a profession. A jack-of-all-trades who philosophizes, wanders between communities, and dreams of dreams, I suppose my profession is ultimately living, best I can to do good and hopefully help others do good. Perhaps in that respect all my relationships are professional, I do after all keep my friends in my AIM co-workers section (an odd remark I do not deny), and I have to say I have a tendency to view a failed relationship or lost friendship as a failed project or venture. In a way I am almost sterile while looking at relationships, a fact I regret at times, immensely.

And so then, then when it comes to professionalism. Professionalism for me is friendship, best I can manage. Honestly when it comes to relationships, I can only target friendship or something more, although I can at times offer a completely false relationship that ignores the essential human essence of the other party, but as that sounds, it is distasteful, and something I inevitably regret.

If that makes me odd, well...

Let me not act superior, my life and the life of many around me would be much better if I did not take relationships so seriously and work so lightly, and maybe I'm wrong, I find upon reckoning that my emotions toward people are often more complex than I give them credit for, mingled with my own issues, preconceptions, circumstances and histories. In the end, I have to say that overall I treat relationships so simply and so idealistically is because I lack the talent and confidence to do otherwise, or maybe it just isn't who I am, with me being the sum of my nature and experiences. And in the end, I am what I am, and despite my own anxieties and self-doubt, I do not care to be anything else. Those words have been ringing in my head for a while now and I find here they seem appropriate. I can change to be more true to these ideals, to chase a more central goal, or to do the Lord's will, but not for a job, and for what else... (and where does my writerly and otherwise artistic intentions factor into all of this, I'm honestly not sure, but I think one necessarily feeds and follows the other)

The future's still open... and though I feel a bit lonely right now, I still believe in the ideals of family, friends, love and God... and God-willing I will be able to make good on those beliefs, in the end that's all I really need, as the man says, "Forget your lust for the rich mans gold/ All that you need is in your soul" (-Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd)

And be a simple kind of man. (That said song's music video)

(If there's anything that can make you feel good about all your moods, both good and bad, well there's lot's of things, but nothing quite like rocking with Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Working in a Gold Mine, but all the shimmers must fade away

So I'm liking my job. It's a good job, the people are nice, they respect me, it's interesting, yada, yada, yada...

So on a moment to moment basis, I'm feeling a good deal better about my job situation. But there is still something bugging me. Well not something...

It is a small world, my job. I mean it actually deals with variables and items coming from all over the globe, and impacting people all over the, etc., etc., etc.

But the world of the office, it is very small. And just the world of web development just for this company, that's a very small canvas.

And yet, this job takes up time. I was half-debating whether or not to skip this and just get some sleep, but I knew had I done that I would wake up under the weather. (Ke-He-He-Hekel)

But this is actually a good deal greater of a canvas than I had previously, that is without a job. And as I learn to manager my time better, adjusting to things and not taking trains in the wrong direction (as I did today), I imagine I'll have more time for writing, and reading, and painting in all the colors of the rainbow! (because rainbows are cool)

But more importantly, this is not only a step up, it is a step toward more steps up, since it gives me some income, some experience and some nice skills. It might not be the ideal place to get those, but it's a pretty good place for that.

Yet I must be careful I imagine, it's easy to get drawn into things, daily tasks, responsibilities, and beyond any decision of ambition or non-ambition, choice of life paths, canvas sizes big, small, or javascript, there is a far more important choice one risks loosing.

The choice of whether or not to do the right thing. The choice of whether or not to follow the ways of the Lord. To get trapped in the trappings of well, the world, life I suppose, well, it can trap you, and cost you that most precious freedom of deciding for yourself whether or not to give your soul to the Lord. If that sounds like not a choice at all, it is because the right choice is so obvious, but we have that terrible and wondrous gift to make the wrong choice, but if we forget all about the choices we choose, and instead think only of that which we do, then our choice has already been made. And then our sentence is just, not handed down by a cruel God, but by our own foolishness which lets us fall away from God, who is in all the best parts of ourselves, who is all Goodness, and that my friends is Hell.

Well, I think I've just about covered the gambit from Gold Mines to Hell, so I think, dear readers, it is time for me to get some sleep.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Rand's Adventures in Job Land

People often mistake me for someone who is competent in social matters. I am not so, and in general to maintain my relationships to a degree that I find satisfactory, I need to reserve a store of effort and energy out of my other activities devoted to friends and family. However, I have found that despite repeated experience I still seem to make the same mistakes of allowing my friendships fade during moments of stress (which does not help the stress). It is a pattern I need to work on getting rid of.

So to be short, I would like to apologize to most of my friends for withdrawing into myself with little outside contact for this last month or two. I do have a reason for this, that is I had been immensely distracted by the process of losing my last job and getting a new one (which starts Monday). Still, as reasons go, that seems rather lame. I think as a principle I need to start taking more time out of my life to talk and hang out with my friends. I'm not sure how to push myself in that regard beyond a simple wish, but it is a wish that I am going to invest some effort in my immediate future.

In addition to that I have other goals for the future. Of course doing well at my new job, but also embarking on new creative efforts and restarting others, such as my blog: http://therandshow.blogspot.com .

So it seems I have picked out a good deal to keep me busy in the future. Ah, well, I think that suits me well. For some periods I have spent much of my time worrying about the future and concentrating on the necessities, while others I have embarked on many ambitious goals with some succeeding and others failing. And I have found the latter a preferable way to live.

After all, as my father often quoted for me, if you aim for the heavens, at the very least you might reach the gates.

The Return of the King

No, I am not a descendant of Elendil the Tall, but as Rand I am the king of that rocks with the prerequisite rolling.

I played around a lot with ideas of the title of this post. This post being my glorious return to the world of blogging, there were many possible titles that flashed within my head. Two of the ones that appealed to me most strongly before the current one, still ring significant. They draw themselves from a song by the always awesome U2 (well, not really always, between albums they swing wildly between mildly entertaining and insanely cool), which itself is not among the highest of their songs, but does contain some awesome lines, (I have digressed wildly within this sentence, so let me return with the name of the song). I am speaking of "New Year's Day" (Lyrics)(Music Video), and the lines in question are:

"I will begin again"
and
"Nothing changes on New Year's Day"

Those phrases struck me as poignant especially as:

A. I've been thinking about this since around New Year's and so the latter phrase would have been especially appropriate (although it is amusingly coincidental (but NOT ironic, since this fact fits in literally with the phrase, and contains no element of contradiction which is the sine non qua of irony) that when New Year's Day came I ended up chickening out and hence nothing did change on New Year's Day).

But B. more importantly I was kick-starting an overall renewal in my creative ventures, a core part of myself and hence I was beginning again.

One might think (Juan, Juan, who is this Juan and why is he always cited, heh, heh, heh, okay that joke doesn't work that well in the written word) that after many, many half-starts (like the before-mentioned New Year's day 2009) and aborted bursts of effort, that I might find it wiser to give up on the idea of renewing my creative efforts, but that dog won't hunt, monsignor.

Because does Rand give up? A thousand times NO!.

More seriously I considered retiring my creative dreams. To be honest, there were moments when that prospect seemed, if not attractive, obtainable, and promising perhaps an ultimate reward of satisfaction. For even without my creative ventures there are still the aspects of my life relating to my family, friends, and perhaps someday wife and kids, which can offer me much opportunity to do good, fulfilling work. Relationships have always been important to me, and indeed a source of much concern and effort, but looking at a life centering solely on them, I felt a little bit disappointed. Afterall, I am an ambitious man, indeed, I am Rand the great and glorious.

Yet, brooding more on my situation, I found that a relationship-centric life, even if not necessarily the most attractive now, could become more attractive and ultimately satisfying over time. People change, even I can change. And as I deepen my connections with people, and engage deeper with their lives, and gain the small victories and triumphs that mark relationships, I could imagine this would trigger a growing appreciation for a life devoted simply to friends, family, and those in my immediate circle of contacts. And as an advantage, the relationship-centered life seems (although I am not certain from this vantage point) to offer a better chance of giving me a level of success (success within the center of my life, which in this case would be relationships), than one with a good deal of energy spent creatively.

But screw success! (cite the defiant Billy Idol punk snarl)

Looking forward in life, I find I could possibly be happy with a life less creative, but I don't want to be. I find something beautiful in the simple effort of striving toward creativity and striving to share my creativity (if that is calling myself beautiful, well, I like to think I am rather pretty, but for all of it, I must always give props to the Good Lord, the founder of the feast (Perfect Toast I've Never Had a Chance to Give: To all the girls I've ever loved, and to God, the founder of the feast)). I find something even more beautiful in striving for creative success (success measured in creativity and the sharing of the creativity, not as much money or fame, although I admit those things do tempt a little attraction, a matter I must watch out for further on in my life) in the face of a strong likelihood of failure.

As a fan of The Great Gatsby I must admit a fondness for a life spent as a boat against the current, running toward the green light, while the tides bear ceaselessly into the past...

Not that I consider my chances that grim. I think I have some good ideas, some good stories, and an essentially attractive, though flexible writing style (although style is not something inbred, it is earned, through thought, effort, and technique). Moreover, I have the advantage of being open to many different fields of creativity. While creative writing, particularly fiction, is my favorite, I also enjoy historical writing and speculation, Math/CS speculation, creative programming, even scientific speculation when the mood strikes me right. A key quality of success I feel, though some have told me different, is being willing to throw many things against the wall, aware that most objects will shatter, in search of that one that will stick.

So in the end I begin again. So why not that for the title? Well I have an explanation for that Mr./Ms. Smarty-I'm-So-Smarty-I-Like-To-Eat-Smarties-Pants. I value introspection. It is something that has helped me greatly in life. But there is introspection and then there is imprisoning oneself in considerations of the past, and to break out of that prison, one must sometimes not simply defy the failures of the past, but fully cast them off, throwing them to the backseat of your life as you look into the future confident that, with God's help, anything is possible, or at least something quite beautiful is possible. So I titled this post to frame it not as a meditation on defeat that is overcome leading me to start over, but rather as a celebration of the effort I am undergoing.

And this effort will likely seem daunting at times, given past mistakes, but I believe in False Bravado, the idea that to obtain a measure of glory, one must act above his own confidence, and so to signify my commitment to that effort, I take on the title of king (though Christ is the only true King, but I take the title both in sincere imitation and in light pretense), as a warning to my fears, anxieties, and temptations, that I will not be servile to them.

Because Rand is back.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight folks!

And God Bless.

Posting, posting, posting, gotta keep on posting

Man week without a post, not good man, not good!

Especially since I do have a number of thoughts percolating in the coffee pot that is my brain (hey, I do drink a lot of caffeine).

However, I was on vacation, and I do have a supremely low readership to lose (hey, gotta look on the bright side), so I'm not going to beat myself up too bad over it (you on the other hand... (punch hand into other hand)).

Ah I would like some readership, and as a long term thing, I should at some point start utilizing search engine optimization techniques, aggressive participation in the blogging community, and other such methods for readership boosting. But those plans are all in the future.

In the short term, my plan is simply to get more regular and better quality. That in itself is quite the task.

Yet, as has been pointed out to me by many, why not just discard it all?

Because there is that glimmer of hope that this blog might turn into something, a glimmer certainly, but a glimmer nonetheless.

More importantly, though, because writing this blog keeps me working, keeps me writing, keeps me thinking, and if anything is helping to keep my brain from falling into the nothingness of utter sloth or the chasm of numbing non-creativity, well, maybe its worth keeping on...

The last part of the justification was rather lazy, but I think, on occasion I produce some nice pieces of prose for this old webpost, and since that's coming out, putting a little effort in don't seem like too much a burden.

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

History keeps on moving... Into the future

Sorry about the posting irregularity, or well, not that sorry. I have had a good reason for being sporadic, since I'm searching for a job. Now a history major isn't a bad thing job-wise. It's a standard liberal arts major with a decent reputation for difficulty (on the other hand, English, unjustly so, has a reputation for being easy (although it is a plus when applying for writing related jobs), now Sociology, again, in my book, unjustly so, has a reputation for being more difficult than history). So the standard liberal arts jobs are open to me: Sales, Marketing, Teaching, Insurance, etc. + Grad School (of various sorts, not just History grad studies, but also Law School, Accounting, School of Ed., etc.). However, unfortunately, none of those appeals to me at the moment (although I'm starting to consider grad school, but not for the immediately, more for the some day).

What I'm looking for in particular is a job that combines my creativity and analytical sides (hopefully, but not necessarily, in a way that also takes advantage of my historical side), as well as utilizing my technical side. Now there are jobs out there like that, and indeed, I very much believe, there are many of those jobs that are well suited for someone like me. But the employers don't necessarily realize that! I mean, once I sell myself to a recruiter, I generally get a good feeling from them (even if that doesn't necessarily translate to a job), but when recruiters just glance at my resume, they're usually thinking to themselves "History major... hmmm... can't have any technical skills). Well, I think this blog testifies otherwise (my other blog more math and CS-centric, makes an even stronger case).

But among all these complaints, you might be asking yourself, why didn't he get a technical-oriented major. (that sentence actually does not need a question mark since it is a statement of a situation involving a question, rather that a question itself, Mr. I-Think-I-Know-Grammar Pants)

Well, I could have. Had I spent an extra year or so at Rutgers (Rutgers rules! Wooo!), I could very well have gotten a double major in History and Computer Science. However, honestly, job-wise a year of experience might be better than the promotion of a CS minor to a CS major, and I was eager to exit college, at least for a while. But more importantly, to be truthful, while technical subjects do appeal to me (and maybe after some time in the work-world I might go for a technical grad degree), they don't sing to me the same way History does.

Ah, History, the great study of all that ever was, which is the cornerstone of all that ever will be.

And yet... I do like CS and Math and other such stuff. And to continue to be truthful, I am a bit of a dabbler when it comes to History; I have yet to find a specialty, and my record shows classes whose subject matters range across the world.

In the end, at least at this moment, I remain as I have for as long as I can remember, a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none.

Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, this precarious position allows me to indulge in any interest that comes my way, to soak up knowledge in any field which I happen upon, and to switch subjects with ease and pleasure. But of practical importance, being a jack-of-all-trades gives me a somewhat rare perspective on things and makes synthesizing subjects, as well as explaining one subject to another, as natural as breathing in and out the air.

Yet employability-wise, the jack-of-all-trades is not a clear classification, and is often hard for recruiters to wrap their brains around, and yet...

I have good skills, a decent brain, some inspired moments, and a friendly disposition, so I imagine the job hunt will eventually end well for me. However, the hunting is likely to be long and tiresome as well, but such is the way of the world, and so I press on, armed with the knowledge of the past, into the future.

Add in some listlessness and...

So right now I'm a swirl of different competing emotions, as usual really, although the mix is different as each moment the circumstances are unique.

But anywho...

I've been feeling listless, and after some advice, I realized that much of it is because I'm not really moving toward anything, and when it comes down to it, I'm like a shark, I'm either moving or I'm dead. Actually that's a tad dramatic, but thus I have to get to work.

See that's what I've been avoiding for a while now, that's why, although I've been postulating and brain-storming, I haven't been doing sessions here or posting much on the web, or even writing into some final form one of my ideas or projects. I've been keeping everything ethereal and semi-imaginary, thus I feel no pressure from them. Ah, but I must invite pressure, I must thrust it on me so I can be pushed forward and then...

Well, one thing I need to always watch out for is over ambition, but this sort of feeling I've had now is under-ambition, a fear of ambition, and that doesn't suit me either.

So it's time to suit up and get to work.

And what is work you ask?

Well, it's not exactly my profession, since I have none at the moment and what I am going to be able to get at this point in my life is unlikely my dream job, but getting a profession is on my goals list, so job-hunting, that's a one.

Sending out published work, that's a maybe, I'm not sure how much time I should devote to that, but I should at least start writing stories more.

Finishing and running programs I've been working on, that's a one.

Really mastering tech I've been dabbling with, that's a one.

Seeing stuff on my to-see list and reading stuff on my to-read list, well there you go.

Of course that's all short-term stuff to get done with, because essentially I'm still on semi-vacation, which isn't bad, but full vacation, full-doing-nothing vacation, I'm tired and done with that.

So on to the wild blue yonder, Rand-style all the way!

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks! And God bless.

Miss me?

So it has been a good while since I last posted, and undoubtedly I've lost any fans I may have ever had. None the less, I am back, with a vengeance!

To express my mood more clearly, here's the good boys from Weezer:

Weezer - Pork and Beans

Ah that line, "Imma do the things that i wanna do/ I ain't got a thing to prove to you."

What has kept me from posting lately, is a great wondering, about the future, about my career, about my brain, the usual crap. And with that comes anxiety, etc. But that has all amounted to me not knowing what to do about this blog and about all my activities.

Well, I can go with Weezer's answer, maybe.

(Just once more, a good hand of applause for those Weezer kids. Excellent, excellent band. Now musically, they pull off some pretty complex and well-performed material. But that alone doesn't give them the greatness they have. They're one of the few bands whose lyrics play an immensely positive role in the impact of their songs. I mean, come on "I'm going to eat my candy with pork and beans!" Now I couldn't understand all the lyrics of that song, but I understood enough for the psychic impact to be magnified many fold. That's not to say they're flawless. I haven't heard a bad Weezer song, but I've heard some so-so ones (Beverly Hills, for example). Yet they've really pulled off some classics, and if you want some examples of that, check out some of the previous posts I've done involving Weezer, here, also here, and finally here.)

But "whatever I wanna do" is an answer that does contain some flaws. What is it that I want to do? Hmmmm?

Well what the Lord wills, but then again there's a lot the Lord wills.

Well, perhaps what I want to do is just try out some of those good stuff that seem to intrigue me in a place I like, and do the best I can with that.

That's a poor answer really.

Ah, maybe I'll eat some pork and beans, and some CANDY!

Poets or mullets, or can you have both

Yes you can. It's actually getting harder and harder for me to think of good post titles, but I'm pretty good with that one, even if it has only highly tangential relation to my actual post.

Anywho, for a while I've debated back and forth between putting poems up on my site. Ultimately I think it's a good thing. If a poetry magazine what's exclusive publishing, I can take it down, but honestly, I'm not spending that much time (if any) sending work out to magazines, so might as well put it up on the web. Hopefully that will keep me writing.

Because honestly, I haven't been writing that much. Now I've been doing some posting, and some decent posts have come out, but even though I insist that blogging is a creative work, and sometimes I get a nice thunderstrike and make something totally awesome for my blog, fiction and poetry... now they too often come from reality, but still need more work for the ideas to be teased out to something concrete. Taking away my distress at not spending that much time writing (even the posts are in between stuff and without that much discipline), I've also got a good deal of distress that my creativity's leaking a little. Now that might just be stress, that might just be overreaction, that might just be busy-ness, but there might be a gem of truth there, even if it just means I have writer's block. And that's, that's a bit scary for me.

I actually have a poem for that, but I have another poem that I'm pretty damn proud of. I always think of my writing as working for the Lord through making something high-quality. But this is more direct. However, let me withdraw the pretty damn proud, at least tentatively, because I'm a little unsure of the quality here. I've worked on this, but I can never be sure of quality immediately after something's written. And yet... and yet this is something important to me, and ah, aren't you here to understand the inner-workings of the Rand-ish mind?

Or something like that.

Anyways, I'm going to post up a nice little poem I call, "The Lord remains"

Feeling Stupid? I know I am!

Damn it you're right Mr. Homer Simpson, sometimes you got to take stupid risks (Lost Our Lisa), either that or smart risks, whichever floats your boat.

Least that's how I felt about Friday-ish. (Four days of the week, she thinks I'm the enemy... (Days of the Week by Stone Temple Pilots, an under-appreciated gem.)) (For those of you who may have noticed the stark change in tone between Friday's post and Monday's post, this explains things somewhat but there's also the matter of the random and eclectic nature of this blog.) And so I took a risk which I was assured was reasonable, though I thought it would be stupid, and as it turned out... well, the results don't actual tell whether or not the risk itself is stupid, that has more to do with the probability. But in the end, the risk ended in failure and violent emotional stirrings, etc. It was a painful moment.

Here's a nice song that part-matches how I feel. The ambiguity of the narrator and the addressed makes it a bit difficult to align with my feelings, but anyways: One Headlight by the Wallflowers.

Now that line: "So long ago I don't remember when/that's when they say I lost my only friend."

That always gets to me.

But another lines that particularly resounded with me Friday were:

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
Theres got to be something better than
In the middle

(Here are the full lyrics for the song)

Little flashback (I'm always ambivalent about getting particular with times on this blog, because on the one hand it makes things easier to explain, more accurate, and more personal, on the other hand it might lead people to certain wrong conclusions about events and it may be too self-centered/diary-ish. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained). Last week, I invented a new phrase to capture how I was feeling (because I'm just that awesome): half-blooded. And if I could give a try to explicate why, perhaps it was because I was in a sort of middlish-place. I was looking at the prospects of very little risk calculated or otherwise, and I found myself envisioning a future somewhat like that.

It's hard to say for sure, since all memories of the past are tainted in hindsight, but I think I had sort of focused myself on a certain course for the future. Essentially it was a simple step-by-step process for my life:

• graduate with a decent though not immensely great grade point average (my assumption was around 3.6 which may still be the case, but now I'm a little bit more worried grade-wise).


• find a job with decent pay, non-high stress, moderate hours, any job really fitting those criteria (I'm still pretty open in my job search which is kind of bugging me and perhaps I should focus things more).


• get involved with whichever community and church I settle in and join hobby groups and make friends and such


• get a wife and kids


• the rest should probably take care of itself from there...

That's not a bad plan for life. It covers security, family, and some fun (of course it is an immensely vague plan which may explain how much it covers). Yet it is a plan that I was looking at because it essentially gave no risk. Basically after the ups and downs of recent years, a part of me wanted to just fall into some rut, nestle into there and never emerge, and that's why I liked this path. That's not to say it's a bad path or that others shouldn't choose it or that even I might not end up on it. I may end up on this path. But if that's the case I'd like it to be because I find the family+friends+community+church+ok job life and I've become enamored with it, not because I went to it through inertia or through fleeing from risk.

So when Friday I took a stupid (or maybe reasonable) risk that was only tangentially related to the whole "what's my future going to be?" question and it filled me with such full and vibrant emotions, even if they were savagely sad ones (here's a song for that: Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots), it made me feel alive again. Really alive.

The thing with feeling half-blooded as I defined it, is it's a lot of emotion with no direction, but after taking that risk I felt alive again, and the emotions now had directions, they went up, down, sideways, etc., but they were real and full.

And suddenly I felt like I was part of the real world again, an active person, a dynamic, changing person once again, whose future is not set in stone and may end in disaster but might end in glory. Maybe I do need to keep fail-safes and checks and safety-nets, etc. for my life, but that doesn't mean I can't take risks. Indeed, I do all that so that I can take risks. So that I can aim for the stars, in my own little ways. All and always though, in the service of the Lord.

My problems aren't gone. Indeed some are worse now that I've taken once more this active (and thus time-consuming) attitude toward life. But it's better than in the middle.

And I think I can make it home, with one headlight.

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Buzzing with the Comp. Sci.

I remember for one birthday a friend gave me a custom-made chocolate from Thomas Sweet (for those of you not in the know, Thomas Sweet is a Princeton-based (it has 2 stores in Princeton, 1 in New Brunswick, and 1 in Washington, DC (as a kid I thought it was a giant conglomerate, and I admit that biased me somewhat, but I've come to recognize its moderate size and in a more objective analysis say awesome, P-town-style awesome (very objective, non?) Ice Cream/Chocolate store that pretty much rocks (ROCKS THE HOUSE (As in Rock the House by Gorillaz (GORILAZZZ!!!))

Back to my anecdote, anyways a friend gave me a birthday a custom-made chocolate (actually 2 but essentially one in its united concept and singular gift-y-ness), which was shaped as a computer and a mouse. She felt it fit my character and likely it was one of the pre-made custom-made options (yeah that's an oxymoron but you get the point). In actuality, people have been assuming for a looong time that I'm super-good with computers. Now this is often done by my friends and is based on my occasional computer-jargon mentions, my sometimes-serious membership in the computer club, my number of computer classes, my moderate computer-news knowledge, and now in college my computer-minor-ness. It is also done by near strangers and while I emphasize the slightness of this and the unconsciousness of this and the speculativeness of this, but there might be a little bit of stereotype-ness (I'd hesitate to say racism because of the unavoidable strength of that charge and also because Indian as a race is a kind of iffy concept (especially when you group North (Indo-European Languages and in NW often white/Iranian looking) and South (Dravidian Languages (although C. India has mostly Indo-Eur. lang. and is a mixed and/or separate cultural zone) and dark skin (although some of the NE, like Bengal and Bangladesh has dark skin) Indians) there since I'm an Indian of decent intelligence (of course the common assumption that I'm smart also might have a little bit of stereotype-ness to it).

But now let me deal with the truth. Let me first establish in terms of nowadays I have a wide-range of moderate computer skills (such as HTML, Java, C++, and some XML and PHP) (if this seems a bit odd to mention, I'm a little aware that a persistently background-searching potential employer might stumble here and I just want to set the record straight (I'd like to point out that my awareness of this doesn't mean I'm not being honest here)), but here with this truth I'm dealing with the overview of my life. Again, let's deal with the truth of the situation. And the truth is while skilled with computers, I'm really not the mad-programmer-master that people occasionally assume I am (again, little bit of stereotyping there).

I can pretty confidently say I was exposed to computers relatively early in my life (relative that is to people in my cohort (ie people of my birth-year)). See (I'm always nervous about using see at the beginning of a sentence, but it does have an attractive activeness and energy, even if it does sound a bit underly-formal) around the beginning of the age of home computers (mid-1980's-ish), my father was given a computer to work with, and being only semi-capable with it and also wanting to expose his kids to new knowledge, he got my oldest brother to help out with his comput-inating. This started my oldest brother's love affair with the computer which made him an absolute computer master by the time I was capable of wielding a mouse. Thusly me and my siblings have had since earliest youth a decent competence of technology, however this wasn't the same as becoming as competent as my oldest brother.

In fact, because of my oldest brother's competence, computer-wise I was always in his shadow. From time-to-time I've made a sudden burst of interest into computers, partly assisted by my brother, but on the other hand whenever there was a need for important computer-ness, my brother was there, so I didn't really need to develop that and my personal interest didn't expand enough to overcome the lack of need. There were avenues which could have led me to becoming computer interested, my mild youthful interest in gaming (although not online games (although yes for free/shareware games)), my mild interest in electronic presentation and media tech, my desire to maximize my computer's performance, etc. But none of those really took off and were usually interrupted by new interests or new stuff on TV.

But one thing that did intrigue me was the possibilities given by programming, to a degree job-wise, but more importantly the possibilities of creation in programming. The powers of programming can in theory create anything, and even if the possibilities are limited by current knowledge and tech, that never stopped me from pondering (for example, despite the insane ambition of it I attempted to create a self-sufficient artificial intelligence in high school). Yet even this avenue of computer-ness was slowed by my distaste for memorization and the foreignness of the computer world and strangeness-to-foreignness of that world (this is in part the fault of computer-savy people who often fall into the category of techno-bigots (people who belittle those without tech knowledge and rank themselves based on tech knowledge) (although I admit sometimes I even act the techno-bigot every now and then). It was in college that the job-wise possibilities of programming really appealed to me, and I started Rutgers with the vision of being a computer science-major, however this failed under the stress of pretending I was more tech-savy then I actually was.

And then a funny thing happened, under the influence of new job-worries, I took on a comp. sci. minor, which was more my speed computer knowledge wise. But the occasional, more paradigm oriented computer classes + my logic-based math classes (where math and comp-sci. start to mix) + my desire for increasing my computer's performance (a different computer but one which slowed and weirded with time) + once more, the possibilities of the computer world tricked me into believing. And suddenly, having studied the basics of computer science for a good while, and having lost my fear of it, the more intermediate comp. sci. concepts no longer seemed so difficult. And now...

Well, I can't say I'm a mega-expert, but I'm pretty knowledgeable, and more over I'm enjoying computer science again. Every concept carries new possibilities, new cross-uses, new abilities for my grand ambitions, and now, comp. sci. carries a little bit of a buzz for me. Maybe I'll never get into that mega-expert slot, but I now have some good hope for learning how to do interesting and highly useful stuff with computer science and never stopping in that learning. Maybe my war with computer science is finally over, and the dividends of peace are starting to come in. Perhaps... but only God knows what the future holds...

(Quick possible news flash: Because of my growing interest in computer science, I just might start a comp. sci. blog (under my legitimate name), similar to my history blog and math blog. It's still only a possibility and contingent on me not getting buried in work, but stay tuned.)

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Even this too, well, let's just go RAND!!!

And it's...it's...it's The Rand Show!!!!

So much Rand-ness, so little time.

(Note I did not use Randiness, because that's prone to misinterpretations, and I have enough misinterpretable words in my sessions as it is)

Anywho, I've talked about my future plans quite a bit in this forum. If it's a bit tiresome, you can always post a comment about it (you silly bums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). It is tad tiresome for me myself, but then again, my mind is a-buzzing with thoughts of my career nowadays and one of the primary reasons for this webpost is that I want to expose the wonders of the universe of my thoughts to the rest of the world. So it is and so it shall be.

But the reason my mind is a-buzzing with thoughts of my future and the like is because, well, there's graduation in 4 months. This May, I, the great and glorious Rand will be out of college, quite a momentous event, don't you think so? Yet with May 2008 so close I am forced to think, to really think and not just wonder and fantasize, about my job plans. And so the thoughts inevitably are stuck in my head, and for what it's worth they're not all grim, but there's an uncertain mix of hope and despair which is spinning around in my skull, giving me an uneasiness, which while common to me, is uncomfortable.

Now I've talked about all this is an irritatingly general matter, let me be a bit more specific. As one might guess from my 100+ sessions in The Rand Show (according to mySpace it's over 300, and according to blogger.com it's close to 200, but both of those count the mini-posts and I think mySpace counts even some of the times I edit posts), I'd like to be a writer. In addition to my skills at webposting, I think I have a decent talent for poetry and story-telling. I also wouldn't mind writing news-reports or reviews and the like. So basically, yeah, I want to write.

But writing isn't exactly what you'd call an in-demand field, right now, or really ever.

Writers are a dime-a-dozen and places that really need professional writers are rare. So that is my conundrum.

If I went strictly for creative writing, then my career future would be a long-shot gamble, so I'm not going to do that. Somewhat more stable, however, is journalism. Journalists get regular opportunities to write and get published and they build the connections necessary for publishing someday say a novel or book of poems. But even journalism, is well, it's not an impossible field to break into or even a long-shot gamble like creative writing, rather it's simply hard to get into journalism. So I suppose the direction then is to work hard. And make contingencies.

My contingencies are based working in fields which while more stable than journalism are not too far away. This will allow me to build experience that can be used for journalism, but it will also give me credentials that can help me get a job as a journalist, especially if lack of credentials is what's stopping me from getting a job in the first place. Good options are things like technical writing, proof-reading, or editing work.

But with all those contingencies and compromises, I always am afraid I'm going to lose the Rand-ness of Rand. And beyond that, what is the Rand-ness of Rand really that I'm trying to keep and which hopefully should be my dream job. I think it's story telling, but is it really... or am I just playing the foolity fool.

It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell any of this, I have these plans, but that's all they are plans. And moreover many of these plans are means to an end (working as a writer), can I be sure that they won't end up being the entire end of my existence...

And where in all this does my personal life factor in...

All questions. Some good, some bad, some paranoid and stupid. But they're still there, and I doubt they'll ever leave. A lifetime is a long time and for plans that span a lifetime, well there's got to be some uncertainty built into them. But that's okay, this may be an uncertain world, but in me is a spark of the divine, and that is constant and certain. And more certain than anything is the grand Divine that watches from above. And I think if I try in good faith all these plans and ideas, perhaps then chaos will fall, but even so I'll be alright.

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And my brain's still bleeding

There's work and there's work. And there's sometimes there's well, then sometimes there's just the Rand Show.

And yet my brain's still bleeding. Largely because this day has been (and given I still have a number of things to do, is continuing to be) another intense chapter of an intense week.

Low sleep + lot's of thinking (Number Theory isn't for the faint of brain, unless they're too stubborn to realize they're faint of brain) + lots of projects (I got all these nice little plans for my projects all laid out, and now they're going to horribly collapse once I start to implement them) + career thinking (careers, careers, careers, and braziers) + More Johnny means More Better = my brain, my brain, it bleeds!!!

But, despite things being intense, I'm finding surprisingly that work's getting done at a decent clip. The question is whether I can maintain it at this clip. And the answer to that would be no. I've already been missing far too much sleep, spending far too little time with my friends and family, and adding to a dangerous stress potential that could explode at any moment (by this I mean while I'm not stressed out right now, if I didn't reassure myself that the situation was doable I would be immensely, explosively stressed). That said, I should be able to get a leet beet of time to relax in about a week. That also said, I also am going to have to be studying hard for my finals (although compared to the amount of work I'm juggling now that should not be (but it could be) a problem). Those two things said, my mostly open finals period should give me some time to hang with my buds which should be immensely relaxing (hopefully), and with all of that said I must reveal the deep dark secret:

I'm going to India.

Actually only for two weeks, which is a relatively short trip. But then it's off to California for two weeks. And all you loyal readers will be going waaaah, waah, waah (you know you will be). And I'm just going to have to try to post when I can, or maybe, just maybe I might be able to get a fill-in poster, but my previous attempts to acquire such an individual have been unsuccessful.

It's strange being busy. For most of my life, doing one thing that was not school-related was a full day. Doing two things not school related, now that was a busy day. Laziness, fear of failure, yammering complaints, all them were keeping me down (and not down in the d-town). But here I am, actually busy. Weird.

I tend to surprise myself that I often rise to the occasion when needed. That's not to brag because the occasion is usually my own fault. But it is a little bit of comfort. And it is a hope, because there will surely be occasions in the future and almost certainly one of those occasions will kill me, after all we all need to go sometime.

But hopefully, even that occasion I can rise to, and hopefully I can lie on my death bed with my fear overwhelmed by hope, love and faith.