Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Who can be the brick but I?

This song somehow feels like it resonates for me. I feel like I'm sinking slowly. But there's no brick tied to me, there's no reason I should feel this way. I think about what I need to do to get through the day, none of it seems difficult except in actually getting myself to try and I'm not sure why. I can quote the lines from the song (Brick by Ben Folds Five) but it has no reference to me, no real reference. Except I'm feeling alone, but there's no brick unless it's me.

Vacation's all I ever wanted, Vacation's all I ever needed

Ah, but instead I'm doing work, and by the looks of things I'll be doing work all day. I really wanted to go home tonight and go trick or treating with my little cousin, but I'm working on borrowed time trying to outrun my professor's generous patience. And so I've sacrificed my Halloween. I wasn't able to even get a costume. But hopefully, this will lay the groundwork for that someday when I won't have to work on Halloween, and instead I will dress up like an idiot and party like it's 1999 or like it's whatever year it is, since I'll probably become more of a partier as I get older not less.

But anyways,

I rock the party that rocks the party
Yeah, I rock the party that rocks the party
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo Doo

And so when the rocks party, I'll be there.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

TV meets IV: result: Destruction of the World!!!

Or not. I dunno. I've gotten tired of Wikipedia's politics in regards to television and tv episodes. It makes no sense to have tiny Scrubs episode pages while not having pages for Cowboy Bebop or Samurai Champloo episodes, a policy which results in gigantic lists for listing all the info related to the episode and leaves out the various references, etc. I've also found somewhat annoying to use. What I am getting excited about is The TV IV, it's an open wiki that's easy to edit, unlike (although it lacks's forums which can be kind of nice), and it is focused on tv allowing for all sorts of episode pages unlike Wikipedia. To be fair, as a whole TV IV is underdeveloped, but given its looser rules I think with some effort it can be a better, more user and editor friendly resource in regards to TV, than Wikipedia or (although again given the forums capacity, I might still visit

Once more, check out for TV IV a TV wiki that's cool and such.

Or don't check it out.

It's not that terribly important but I thought I'd tell you guys what's what.

Because I care.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Y'all stop your fussing and feuding

Greetings y'all! I'm using y'all I lot. I never did it before I took Ms. Lewis' Latin classes, but there she used y'all as a way to demonstrate the 2nd person plural which English normally just lumps into you with the 2nd person singular. And maybe I've hung around too many Southern people, although I don't think I know that many, but anyways, greeting y'all. I'm planning to start saying just random thoughts in between long sessions. I've tried this before and got discouraged as I felt that the random thoughts were replacing the real sessions, which might happen occasionally due to busyness, but I think if I make sure to do real sessions as much as I can IN ADDITION to random thoughts, the whole quality of the webpost will up itself to the MAX.

Anyways, something I think sometimes is just a wondering about the massive amounts of money spent on political advocacy groups. It seems like such a waste, especially since it often gets lost among the million other advocacy group's pouring money. And it seems like sometimes that the money could actually be used to address the problem instead of lobbying about it. Schools are bad, well instead of spending money lobbying about it, spend money improving things. But that's just frustration I suppose. Successful lobbying can often get more money than it costs and if your lobbying doesn't match your ideological opponent's lobbying you might find the government actively opposing your cause. But the current level of lobbying, and I'm not just talking about corporate lobbying, although that's too large as well, is a bit heavy by the way I see it. It would be nice if we spent less time trying to get the government to solve problems and more time trying to solve them ourselves. But the world is busy, brutal, and filled with competing visions that clash terribly. So even if we try our all, who knows whether we will succeed? Only God.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

There's a reason Rand has only one arm

Actually I have two arms, but I always wanted someone to say that about me. One arm is a nice distinguishing mark, aside from the whole being a large disability thing. It suggests suffering, but the fact that the rest of the body is okay suggests strength. It would also be a nice way to segway into the fact that I have mental/emotional problems without making me seem weak.

Ah, but that's just my constant desire for a slightly scarier appearance. For a while I was growing out a beard too for the purpose, but eventually there was a job fair, and while I wanted to look scary, I also wanted a job (unfortunately this resulted in one of my most annoying occasions of shaving since the thickness of the beard meant I had to run over the same area 4 or 5 times). Eh sara, sara.

I guess it all comes down to me wanting to rule the world, or something like that. I just always envisioned myself as someone dynamic, dashing and bold. A leader of men and a challenger of the powerful. And yet instead I find myself moderate to low in those regards. People don't disrespect me, but my opinion carries little extra weight. This is not to say I'm not popular. Rather it just means I'm funny.

I'm a funny guy (for example, right now I'm in a full on clown costume, or not, you just had to press me on that point didn't you, didn't you! Well, I'm sorry, we can't all be wearing clown costumes, Phil!). I find it easier to write funny stories than serious stories. I find it more natural to tell jokes than win arguments. Instead of charming girls, I make them laugh. Instead of charisma, I have humor. But I always wanted the other way around.

That's not to say I didn't want to be not funny, I just wanted to be well, not that funny. Maybe capable of telling a well-crafted funny story (most of my funniness isn't well crafted in the way I would have wanted it, it is usually obviously bad jokes that wink at themselves and overly outrageous jokes that bend reality more than exploit humorous skill) every now and then, but usually I wanted to be a man of action and stirring speeches. But that's not the way it ended up.

It's not so bad really, but it's annoying sometimes. I wrote a session a while back dealing with this in a more indirect way by comparing my dilemma with that of a cute girl (see if you can guess who it is Howard, it's not the girl I recently had a crush on, but it is a mutual acquaintance But then again, when I shed my preconceptions and prejudices about what I want to be, I find I really enjoy being the funny guy. I love to make people smile. That's just golden.

Maybe this means I'm sad sometimes pondering my lack of gravitas. Maybe it means that I need to work extra hard to be taken seriously when I have something serious I want to do. Maybe so. But I like people, and I like to make people happy. And while I would prefer it if my serious actions were the ones that made people happy, if it's my humor, well, if I can get that smile, that's just golden.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A contrite heart

I read the obituary on Kurt Waldheim struck me particuarly. It discussed a man who they accused, and probably rightly so, of being in denial of his guilt at being part of the Nazi war machine. While not a key part of it, he was an efficient cog, and while he most likely did not commit war crimes, he knew about them and did his work very well (according to his Wikipedia article he received an honor for his work) only miles away from the concentration camps. He hid this fact, misrepresented his past, and denied all guilt aggressively. As the Economist pointed out his position mimicked that of his home country of Austria.

People involved in the horrors of WWII like him in a side manner cannot be condemned for life for their association. But they can be sorry, they can ask for forgiveness. He did not, saying he was in no position to do anything about it. He said in his autobiography

"When death comes to you, all the distinctions in life disappear. Good and bad, dark and light, merits and mistakes, stand now in front of a judge who knows the truth. I can go there with trust, because I know His justice and His mercy."

but the mercy of God is not given without conditions. One must admit his guilt and repent. And this is not because God is obsessed with forcing painful admissions from people, but rather because the hidden guilt is a barrier that keeps a soul from God, and while God does I think expose this guilt to the soul after death, the soul must still accept its guilt if it is to be forgiven and the soul is to receive mercy. I hope Mr.Waldheim might accept his guilt after death, even if it seems (although I could never really know, not seeing inside his head) that he did not in life.

Have Mojo, Will Travel

So let's raise a toast to women: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

So a girl for, well, let's say I've had a crush on (I really hate the word crush, it is far too immature for feelings that can be a serious matter, and yet the feelings aren't strong enough to be declared love), well, she has a boyfriend. I thought that might be the case, but she had been out of the country for so long, well, the matter is thus. And so now I must bring this to an end, somewhat.

She's still my friend and a good friend at that. To be honest I wanted to spend more time with her because I thought there was a potential for a relationship. But I also like to spend time for her because it's just fun to spend time with her. I've been worrying about telling her how I feel about her because it might hurt our friendship. That was the case in my first heartbreak (who ironically (no actually this is in no way ironic, just a conwinkidink) lives near the girl I currently have a crush on (ie the girl who's the main topic of this post)). And although it might be a little uncomfortable at times now (at least I haven't seen her and her boyfriend together this semester, feelings usually only get really uncomfortable when you see PDA's (public displays of affection)), at least she doesn't really know how I feel about her. This means she won't be really uncomfortable around me, nor will I have to explain myself, and it gives me much more control over our relationship (I'm using that in the general sense of the word).

I'd hate to be the kind of guy who gets close to a girl just because he has a crush on her and then once she lets him down he forgets that she existed. That would be a truly assish thing to do. A good friendship is a terrible thing to waste. And so I do not intend to waste this friendship, but still, it all feels a bit weird. I'm actually glad to some degree, because feelings like those are a bit of a burden and it's probably easier to try to craft a relationship fresh instead of tweaking a friendship into a romance. But still, I had liked the idea of us getting together, and you can't dismiss feelings by flicking your fingers.

But I'm not going to try to steal another man's girlfriend, it's disrespectful to the other man, but also to the girl, herself. It has an essence of, you're all wrong about your life choices, to it, but moreover it's painfully disruptive to all involved. And she seems to have real feelings for her boyfriend (she has met his parents, so this is something significant), so 99% chance I lose against him, and then I'm miserable and our friendship is hurt. 1% chance I win against him, he's crushed, she's with me but torn, and it's an ugly situation. Plus the whole sinful nature of the business. I mean, a dating romance (the terminology of dating is really lackluster, I think I might have to invent some words) isn't a marriage, so this isn't an adultery class sin by any means, but it's certainly a jerk class sin and a sin against God as well. Even romantic relationships not sealed by marriage have a holiness to them that shouldn't be lightly trifled with.

So what to do with the feeling eh? Again, I'm almost relieved, but I feel in the pit of my soul a feeling that probably soon will blossom into sorrow. It'll suck, but I'll put it out of my mind. Whenever I think of her, some romantic thoughts might be hovering in the background, but I'll put those out of my mind too. I'll keep doing this until the feelings fade. I doubt they'll truly erase themselves until I actually find another girl, but they should become manageable. I actually had to do this same process for her freshmen year when I started getting feelings for her. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, and besides she left the country. But I was so sure she had broken up with her boyfriend in that long interval abroad, but I guess that wasn't the case.

I shouldn't say unfortunately that wasn't the case, because I guess I'm happy for her. I complain a lot about how lonely I am and how I wish I had a romantic partner, she found one, so good for her. As for me I'll move on.

After all, you can always say this about me: Have Mojo, Will Travel.

So, why don't we lift a glass to women, those impossibly enchanting creatures?

Why not lift a glass to all the girls I've ever loved and all those I've had crushes on?

Why not lift a glass to you, girl whom I had a crush on which now must be dismissed and tossed to the wind?

Actually, I'm drinking out a cup, not a glass, but here's to you.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Long and weary my road has been

It's best not to compare problems. There are many, many, many people worse off in the world than me. But I haven't had it easy, and it's doubtful I'll have it easy in the future.

But that's okay. I can handle this. And I have the help of good friends, good family, and the Good Lord always watching over me. I occasionally have encountered the comment, why would a being of infinite power give personal attention to a random guy? Well, random people become full, lovable individuals when you know them, and God knows us all very well. Furthermore, if you have infinite power, that means you have infinite power to watch over people and help them out, then why wouldn't a being of infinite power give personal attention to each and every human being.

But enough of that I suppose.

I've been watching a lot of tv shows that deal with the future. The Office (not obvious connection, but it was the episode The Job which revolved around promotion and a common question asked was where do you see yourself in 10 years), Chuck and Reaper (both dealing with nerds having trouble growing up), and How I Met Your Mother (which is narrated from the future and also involves growing up issues). To boot all of this I also watched the finale of Samurai Champloo which involved some tough choosing on what to do with the futures of the main characters. So basically future on the mind really(as you might have guessed from the examples I've been talking about, this is more personal future than sci-fi future, which is awesome as well, mind you.), so I'm thinking a little about me and my future.

Where do I see myself in ten years?

Where indeed? Mongolia maybe? Well, to make it short, a fairly prominent writer, with probably a novel written, and several short stories published and a regular journalist gig. Traveling would be cool, I'm not planning to move too far away from family (although since I have family on both coasts that's not too much of a problem) immediately, but as the future moves on I'd probably want to be more mobile. It would be cool having connections, and it might be cool to have some of my side projects come to fruition. I envision this webpost being fairly well frequented in ten years for example, but maybe also my Knights of Mars plan will be implemented (it's a faternal order thing, except without the fater part, I'll elaborate on it later). As to a girl...

It has actually taken me a long time to get to a place in my life where I actually envision a nice future for myself. For several years after suicidal impulses started really showing up, it was hard for me to envision myself not dead after ten years. But now I'm a little bit more confident. A little bit. But as to a girl...

I'm still shaky in that department. I dunno, when I look at myself in ten years, it would be nice if I was married. But it's not essential. My father often asks me in regards to my career plans, well don't you want to have a family? Yeah, I would like it, but I dunno, I'm not sure if that's essential. Of course, this could just be me fleeing my feelings of insecurity about women. It could be a lot of things.

I know right now, having a girlfriend would help me a good deal, probably. But 10 years down the line, having a wife... It was always something I used to fantasize about, the feelings of a strong committed relationship, and I still do fantasize about those feelings, but I also fantasize about being a political power broker. Is having a wife a secondary fantasy to me being a writer?

I'm actually unsure. Again, maybe it's just because being a writer seems more plausible to me right now than being a husband. I'm really unsure, but that's a matter of matter.

Long and weary my road has been, and it's likely to stay that way.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Zebras eat fruit too

Zebras eat fruit too.
Don't they?
I think they do.
That's probably true.
But I'm not sure to whom the too refers.
I know I like fruit though,
Most kinds at least,
And usually they're very yummy in my tummy.
Well whether Zebras eat fruit or not is not the matter of this poem,
The matter is...
Well I forget the matter.
And I can't remember why I started this to begin with.
But if you smile at my poem,
Ah, that's the sunshine,
And that's enough for me.

Monday, October 22, 2007

So with doom and all

So it's been a couple days since I've done a session. In real terms, it's not terribly important that I haven't been doing so. I find it a bit distressing though, and so it is therefore a terrible tragedy because I am Rand the Mighty and Glorious, etc., etc., etc.

My brain's been a bit off lately. That being an understatement but I'm going to let it slide. As my buddy Howard pointed out that I use this as a diary somewhat. Well to that:
Does anyone ever say that anymore? I try to avoid just bitchin' and whinin' and other things that involve excessive chopping of g's, but I do talk about feelings and crap. Hopefully the idea is to talk about the matters in a way that explores ideas and shows insight etc. Because when dealing with feelings you think thoughts and when thinking thoughts you occasionally hit on an interesting one, so I thought throw it up here and so there you go.

Blah, blah, blah.

Anywho, I like to write sometimes about how screwed up my brain to a large degree out of curiousity. It's strange but I find myself fascinated by the oddities of my disease even as it tries to destroy me. It's like admiring the teeth of a tiger as it prepares to bite your head off. Etc.

My mind is very off today. So hopefully I'll revisit this matter later tonight, but for now I'm wrapping things up. If this is unsatisfying to you, well, that's life, or you could check out the healthy sized archives I'm developing, with all my other sessions etc.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Here's your holiday, hope you enjoy it this time (but that song's not here)

I usually feel guilty about not putting up enough text onto the web. But I've done several long texty sessions so I thought it might be time to change things up (because I can't stay still or the clown will eat me), and I'm going to do some of the music thang, as a way of making up to the world for using the word thang.

1.Creep by Radiohead - From the album Pablo Honey - After doing a session explicating this song in reference to my own life, it seemed like a good time to put this out there. Superb song in capturing a ghost of an unnamable emotion that carries so many connotations to it. I could write a session explicating it, and I did, but I could write another session explicating it in reference to general human emotions instead of to myself, but I'm not going to because that would be overly long, probably boring, and probably lame (lame like yo mamma! I'm sorry I'm sure your mother is a very nice lady, I should have said, lame like your face!). Instead let me point out some of the prominent currents of the song. There is a current of praise, which can be interpreted even as love, but there is a massive element of self-hatred in the song. And there is an undercurrent of anger, something I didn't touch upon in my previous session too much, largely because as I explained there I first listened to the radio edit version.


(I'd just like to say that I'm switching to Lyrics Freak as my lyrics site, before I was bouncing around between several different services, but I think some of those sites contained spyware, so I wanted to settle down. The nice thing about Lyrics Freak and the reason I chose it, is because it has a nice, clean presentation, and while the ads are obnoxious, they are less obnoxious than they are on other lyrics sites. Of course, if the lyrics are hard to decipher I'll probably check multiple sites, but for now I'm good with Lyrics Freak.)

Radiohead's video - an simple video that just lets the emotion shine through with some light tricks and cutting to complement it, quite a contrast to the AMV I'm posting for the song, not that the AMV's bad, I'm just saying that Radiohead's video is different but good as well.

Creep AMV - anime - Elfen Lied - This AMV IS NOT FOR THE WEAK OF STOMACH. I'm a guy who saw the movie Seven in middle school and I still found this gory. Still, the goriness complements the darkness and disturbing nature of this song. The song is about a man who hates himself intensely to the point of rage. This anime fits well with that. As to the anime itself, I've only seen a couple episodes and I'm not sure if I can recommend it. It has a pretty good reputation for what that's worth, but it combines cuteness and gore in a mix I can't help but find a little disturbing.

2.Highway to Hell by AC/DC - From the album Highway to Hell - As a devout Christian, I'm not planning to go on a highway to hell. And quite frankly I plan on encouraging others to avoid it as well. But that's not really what this song is about. This song is about the sheer arrogance and joy of living free of society's rules and restrictions. Of course, doing actual wrong and throwing away society's rules are two concepts that are easy to confuse. But one is a matter of throwing away your moral compass and one is a matter of being your own ultimate moral compass (of course the exactitudes of this matter including the role of church, religious leaders, and religious philosophy go far beyond this matter, but I think I should wrap up this philosophical discussion because this song is so damn fun!).

Lyics - "Living easy, living free," usually it's one or the other, but God bless them, AC/DC want both

A live concert of AC/DC - AC/DC, while they probably made some music videos were producing songs in those days before music videos, a whole 30 years ago. Man, I wanted that to sound sarcastic, but 30 years is a decent amount of time.

Highway to Hell AMV - anime - Akira - Now does this AMV glorify violence? Yeah, probably. But it is an awesome AMV, capturing all the energy and power of the song, and it matches in feel even if it shows a darker side to throwing away all of society's rules. Ultimately I watch a lot of stuff I don't totally agree with when it's quality material, because well, quality material sends a message of about the beauty of existence itself. Besides, this AMV doesn't take itself too seriously. But for all of those who might be confused by my stance, no I don't encourage violence (I'll probably elaborate on that sentence in a future session.).

3.You Know You're Right by Nirvana - From the album Nirvana - Kurt Cobain's last hit. I'm not sure if I can describe what this song's about, or really why this song is of the highest quality. But it is. I hope you're doing alright, Kurt, now that you've passed from this world.


Nirvana's Video - I'm not sure how to treat this since my status as a Nirvana fan tints my judgment, but it is good to see all those pictures of the band.

You Know You're Right AMV - anime - FLCL - I've used Fooly Cooly a lot in the AMV's I've posted up, but that's A. because of the prominence of Fooly Cooly among the makers of AMV's, and B. because Fooly Cooly is visually amazing (more impressive than it is, say plot-wise). But perhaps the best reason for using this AMV is that it is one of those rare AMV's that captures the pain and frustration both in the song and the anime.

4.Breaking the Habit by Linkin' Park - From the album Meteora - Screw those who dismiss nu metal this song and Linkin' Park in general are awesome. But on a more pertinent note, there are two ways to interpret this song, one is in a positive light as the singer is breaking the habit of antagonism and depression, that's how I viewed it at first, but after looking at the Wikipedia article which suggested suicide in the video, I can see that as being in the lyrics too, as the singer breaks his habit of his problems by killing himself. That's probably more accurate, but I tend to still see the song in the more positive light. But terms of quality are always key and in that the song has enough to make it here.


Linkin' Park's video - here you see what a music video can really do in terms of being creative while still accenting the song.

Breaking the Habit AMV - anime - Rurouni Kenshin OVA - The idea of Kenshin, a man trapped in the violence of his life, trying desperately to adopt non-killing despite a legacy that returns to haunt him, goes well with this song. But throwing that aside if you haven't seen any of the anime or even heard of it (it also goes by the name Samurai X), the energy and sadness of the video work well with the song, making its quality independent of your knowledge of the anime, as all AMV's should do.

5. Snow (Hey Oh) by the Red Hot Chili Peppers - From the album Stadium Arcadium - I thought I'd clear out the heaviness with this song. It contains that lightness to it that almost makes it seem fragile despite the presence of drums, guitar, etc. What's it about? Can't say. But I'd say the answer lies in part in the lightness.


(Alright, despite my above comment this isn't from Lyrics Freak, it's from another service which I find more obnoxious but apparently Lyrics Freak didn't have this song, weird.)

Red Hot Chili Pepper's video - a sweet understated video which summons emotions as fragile as the song itself.

Snow (Hey Oh) AMV - anime - Gundam Wing - Endless Waltz - I found this was a nice video that mixed with the song but provided some nice contrast as well. But I am concerned about the video quality. I mean it's a well put-together AMV, and given the age of the anime, weak resolution is somewhat expectable, but still it is disappointing, given that it could be so much better if the resolution was better. But perhaps that's just the attitude of a man who's gotten used to ultra-clear resolution and has forgotten that this sort of resolution was extraordinary just a little while ago.

So that's about with that. And so I must depart. But I'll always be in here (which is to say my room (at least until I leave my room)).

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Let me give a shoutout to my bro, he has a webpost that gives some good financial advice that I actually intend to follow so check it out at Rocket Stocks Blog.

Monday, October 15, 2007

It's not so bad, my glasses are just tinted

I've been putting off writing a session for a while, for a variety of reasons. First mega, super, busy-ness. Secondly, on Saturday I did a session which took a lot out of me in terms of energy and emotion. Thirdly, writing a session given the first two reasons, would be confirming that this webpost meant something to me, and I'm a bit uncertain of what it does mean to me. But it does make me feel good and satisfied with my life, and right now I feel like not to many things do that. See the title line when considering what I've said here, I'm a little depressed right now and that's tinting what I'm thinking. But still this webpost does mean something to me.

I'm still uncertain how many people read this webpost, given my view counts the answer is: More than before, but still less than I'd like. Oh well. This project keeps me working and it keeps me working for myself, and honestly it keeps me creative. I think overall I've been pretty creative with my stuff here, although I'm trying to build up a little bigger audience before I go to my REALLY creative stuff. But in terms of productiveness and such I often end up writing up to 5 pages a week, which isn't bad for a consistent project.

I'm trying to sort out my life a bit because things aren't going great for me. I'm behind on virtually all my school work, but while that isn't something out of the ordinary, what is is the fact that I am failing a class right now. It is due to the fact largely that the teacher has an asinine attendance policy (I'm not saying that the teacher is asinine, she seems like a nice lady and all, but her policy is asinine, it's two absences then 1/2 a grade penalty I mean really). To tell the truth even with a more liberal attendance policy, if it were any that had any degree of strictness, I'd be in some trouble, due to the massiveness of my absences. My other academic problems are much more recoverable, especially since I got an extension from one of my teachers on a project. But even with the extension...

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired now and I'm only really able to keep my focus by watching tv (if that doesn't sound sensible, let me be a little clearer, watching good tv energizes me and enlivens my mind. Thus it keeps me awake (whether or not I should be awake is a different matter, but I largely just want to finish this session). I've had energy problems for a long, long time, more or less as long as I can remember. But lately it's been getting progressively worse. Or maybe it's just my perception of the energy problems. Or maybe it's just my laziness. I can't say for sure.

But beyond weariness of the body is always, always weariness of the soul. I am sustained by the love of the Almighty, but perhaps it's a lacking of faith, or perhaps it's just a desire for something better, but I am weary. And when I have a weariness like this, no matter how hard the failure of life hit me and tempt me with death, it's hard to be motivated to succeed. So I've been thinking about what makes me happy (and by happy I mean some real satisfaction happiness, not just a temp. high I can get by say eating a lot of junk food (although a good meal does have an element of beauty to it and that does give a degree of satisfaction like all art)), and how I can use it to put some energy into my life. Writing sessions makes me happy. Writing stories, heck, writing in general makes me happy. Working on the newsteam gives me some satisfaction, although it's tempered by the fact that I think I'm slacking off to a degree in that regard). Reading and watching tv for fun, somewhat, to a degree, but my restlessness makes it difficult for me to do that without anything else, and furthermore, it doesn't really bring out more of a happiness to my life. Friends, yeah, they make me happy (this is when you start singing I get by with a little help from my friends). But organizing get togethers is difficult and heck, overall social interaction is difficult, taxing, and hard for me to commit to (due to anxieties, fears, etc.) + there's a matter of time and busy-ness.

But perhaps what doesn't take too much time, and what does make me happy would making the girl I like smile. For some time now my feelings towards a girl have been growing into what might be called a crush. There's no good word for it, crush sounds to juvenile, and this isn't love. I'm trying to make sure I don't rush into a feeling like love headstrong without regard, and I've been careful to pace my emotions. But I could say I have a crush on her. And making her happy makes me happy. Just talking with her gives me a jolt of energy, although that energy can easily become anxiety if I become a little beet paranoid about the conversation (hence, I need to watch for that (one of the things I've learned about myself is the need to watch out for out of control emotions, because I've been down that path far too many times)). If I could talk to her every day, and if she liked talking to me, well it would be nice. As things are now, I've been pacing myself in my conversations with her, making sure not to annoy her with constant calling, etc. But in the last couple weeks, I've called her maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and those times have brightened up my days.

God does encourage relationships, so I suppose he doesn't mind if we seek happiness in them (although we must always remain first devoted to our Heavenly Lord). There was a prayer in Church last week that reminded me of that. But still, still, I feel like I can't be hasty in pursuing a relationship because I don't want to frighten her away, but I'm tired of being lonely. Then on the third hand, on the third hand (hey look I've got three hands), on the third hand, sometimes I feel like it's my destiny to wander the world alone, and I must accept it.

I dunno, I'm not sure what I need to do, what I want to, I can't say I'm terribly sure of my life right now. But God wants me to live. And I think God wants me to do something great with my life. So I press on.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Maybe. Or maybe the story is actually a different matter altogether. I don't know.

By the way, if that girl I do have a crush on is reading this (I almost feel inclined to say her name, but that would be rude to this highest degree and it would also have great consequences that would spiral out of my control (although she probably knows who she is)), yeah all I've said above is true. And there are more convoluted matters in my emotions that are not here but are also true. But put all this aside for a moment, and think of this. Do you think you could feel about me in a romantic way? If so, all I ask is you let me speak to you once in a while, let me see you once in a while, let me make you smile once in a while. It would mean the world to me, if you could do me that favor.

Friday, October 12, 2007


I'd like to think I'm not really a creep. But I do creepy stuff sometimes. Nothing I care to go into though. But part of writing is revisiting painful incidents far more often than is at all sane. Earlier this semester I had a writing assignment that while beginning humorous ended in a scene of painful lost love. That scene touched my heart a little and reminded me of all my lost loves. And then I had to revisit it. Again the painfully emotional scene hitting me. Then again, revisiting it. More painful emotional scene hitting. And then more revisiting, etc. Not very nice stuff. But that's what I writer's got to be doing. So yeah, creep.

I have a vague recollection of when that song came out, I think it was my early high school years, although apparently it was done in 1992 or 93, so that would have to be a good deal back before my school years, maybe around middle school or even tail end of elementary school. But I guess it was in high school my musicality was at its peak (or at least at its peak for that period, I'm having a new Renaissance of musicality right now) and so that was when I heard that Radiohead song, Creep. It struck a cord.

Apparently, the songwriter was talking about gender-identity issues with the song, least that's what he said. I took the song as sort of an outsider unrequited love song (part of the reason for my differing interpretation is probably because the radio edit changed a line from "You're so fucking special" to "You're so very special" but I get into some of that below). And so it felt very natural to me, who felt perpetually the outsider, and who in his early high school years had some unrequited love. I've talked about one case of this before, in my Here is Gone session, but as I noted there, that was about my second heartbreak, but this song resounds more accurately and more tightly with my first heartbreak, and so it is in the light of that I'm going to do some explicating (explication nation, what's your temptation).

Creep by Radiohead from the album Pablo Honey

When you were here before

She didn't just appear, she had been my friend for a long time, since elementary school. We used to walk home together, maybe around 3rd or 2nd grade. During 4th grade and 5th to some degree there was a separation of boys and girls and so to a degree we lost touch. But we still went to the same schools and greeted each other with friendship. In eighth grade I actually thought she would be the ideal person to have a crush on, and to a degree I suppose I harvested those emotions. But by the end of summer I had largely forgot of the matter. Until of course, school resumed and I saw her again. But those feelings had a different flavor to them, an intensity that I wasn't used to, which I embraced as love.

Couldn't look you in the eye

But while I embraced the feelings, I couldn't stand staying in her presence. I hated myself, I hated myself viciously, and being near her seemed just another opportunity for me to fail at my efforts of contact. Worse yet, it was an opportunity for her to see the person I thought I was, an utter monster. A creep if you will. (and I will, for I am RAND.)

You're just like an angel

I idealized her utterly and completely. It was from a distance of course so I couldn't assign to her definite idealized characteristics, so instead I assigned to her all idealized traits. I imagined her like an angel. A creature of utter purity. The only real traits I can assign to her is that she's kind and strongly social competent (she has a social comfortableness that is enviable, at least by one such as me), but it's hard for me to really fix her character beyond that because of all my idealization. So I thought of her like an angel. It's such a hollow description really, especially without any theology behind it, but I never had enough courage to make my emotions anything more than hollow.

Your skin makes me cry

Always with skin. It tends to be regarded as so important. As for the obvious matter. Yes, she was white, and yes I'm brown, but that really had no importance for anything, although I was paranoid about it. But in a more teenage sense skin mattered otherwise. I always hated my skin's oils and pimples. I can't say I'm too fond of them now, but I can tolerate my skin since I don't have much acne anymore. But back then, it was quite a bit. It added to my whole, I hate myself, and especially my body thing, and so it didn't help that she was beautiful. I can't even remember if truthfully she had no acne, but she certainly had less than me, what is true is her skin seemed perfect to me. She seemed beautiful and I felt unforgivably ugly.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world

She hung out with a more popular crowd, I on the other hand. I didn't really have a crowd. I suppose this is the point I should say I was fat (or thought myself as such), given the feather analogy, etc. But everything about her, the people she hung out with, the way she looked, the way she carried itself. It seemed so immensely better than everything that was me.

And I wish I was special

Back then I felt anonymous, insignificant, and pointless. I can't say I don't have those emotions now sometimes.

Youre so (very) fuckin special

She seemed on the other hand to be at the center of her own little world, and it was a damn nice world. The original version of this song I listened to (that is not to say the original version of the song itself, but the radio edit), used very instead of fuckin'. It does take the edge off this verse. I can't say I was angry at her for these emotions, but I was angry at myself for not acting on them, and I was angry at the universe for making me me.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.

I've never been quite normal in any social circle, and that sense of isolation, so heightened during high school and complemented with anxiety and self-hate. I felt I was a creep. I can't say I really was one. Probably the actually creepiest thing I did was, well, I didn't follow her, but I would remember where I saw her at certain times of the day. We all have our little habits after all. And I'd just try to be near her at that time of the day. I wouldn't want her to see me, because then she might think I was stalking her, or worse yet might engage me in conversation, but rather I just wanted to get a glimpse of her. My emotions would fill me then, and I'd get an invigorated euphoria that would fade the moment she left my sight and I remembered how lonely I felt.

What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Yeah, I can say I didn't belong. I didn't have a clique or anything in that sense. But really when it comes down to belonging on this earth, what is the criteria. If you're a human being, that gives you a certain necessity of spending some time on earth doesn't it. If you're born, doesn't that give you the right to belong to the living? And if you have a soul doesn't that give you a right to belong to God's children.

I don't care if it hurts

This line always reminds me of pimple popping, especially in combination with the perfect skin line. It was a nasty habit of mine, especially since I knew excessive pimple popping actually aggravated the acne. But I wanted so badly to feel pain. It fed the hatred so completely and satisfied it as well. A nice little vicious cycle. (just like a demon bike)

I want to have control

I've always had problems of control. Controlling my eating, my laziness, most of all my mental illness. Life always seemed to come so easily for everyone else, for her. However, that is one of those nice little lies we tell ourselves to makes us feel nicely persecuted. Everyone has problems, it's best not to try to rank them.

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

As much as I hated my body when depressed, I hated my soul even more. Because when I was in the depths of depression I believed I was an absolute monster barely contained. It was a good way to justify my self-hatred even though I believed people should be judged on their internal goodness and not their external appearances.

I want you to notice
When I'm not around

That was always something for me. I wanted to feel like I made a difference in the world and that without me people would be worse off. I suppose it is true, but on the other hand. On the other hand during my periodic absences from social life during breakdowns, nobody seemed really to care. But on the plus side, they did seem to enjoy my company. Still, it would be nice, if people noticed when I wasn't around, especially her. (Of course, you people, my loyal readers would notice when I'm not around, eh? Ah, bums! Meh, in the end it doesn't matter if people care when you're not around, God notices when you withdraw into yourself, when you breakdown, and He offers to carry you through the pain, as I have found out time and time again)

You're so (very) fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Let me tell you the story of how I confessed to her. My buddy Howard says it shows me as brave. I'd disagree. Anyways, in my high school and even middle school we had various services which would deliver cards and presents to those whom you had crushes on or just wanted to give a present to. I actually did give her cards for years since eighth grade up to sophmore year. However I always kept it as from a secret admirer. Until that final card. Sophmore year I decided to sign it as myself. And so she found out about my feelings. And then... I passionately avoided her for the rest of the year and the summer. Yeah, I really don't think the story depicts me as brave. But then junior year came around. The beginning of every year I always tend to be somewhat manic. So I had a great idea, why not invite everyone in the school to a party? It didn't work out so well, well, no it was fun, even if only 4 people came. But I had invited her, and then, then I was rejected.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want

To make a girl I like happy, that's just awesome. To see her smile. I've always had trouble reading facial expressions, but I know a smile is a smile. And so I give gifts, I tell jokes, I do anything to make them smile. But unfortunately I rarely listen to them, I usually am so self-absorbed, and so obsessed with the emotion of love, I forget to some degree about the actual girl. Perhaps really then, it wasn't love with this girl, just being in love with the feeling of love. With later girls I liked I've tried to listen more, and I consider my feelings more legitimate, but perhaps it's just the pains in that period leave me as somewhat cynical about that period in my life

Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special...

But Im a creep, Im a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont belong here.

And then after confessing to her and being rejected, after the party that didn't work out as I had planned, and after failing to really resolve a conflict between two people I cared about, my depression grew to a point where it became to much. I've always wanted control, especially for those moments like this when depression is this overwhelming. But I didn't have self-control. And so, well, let me not relate the exact details, but I resolved to kill myself. But in the end, I didn't even have the self-control for that. I was too afraid of pain, and so I resolved that I would try to overdose on my medicine. But then my father came home and stopped me. And then I was hospitalized.

That experience casts a taint over this period, and over my relations with that girl. When she rejected me she said it was because she didn't want to ruin our friendship. She also made several other efforts to reach out to me as a friend. I sort of ignored them. It was hard to think of her without thinking of that period in my life when I became obsessed with my emotions of love for her, and ultimately ended up hospitalized. It's a shame though. Friendships are something highly valuable, and not to be discarded. So maybe someday, when I become a little bit more mature I renew my friendship with that girl. Is that day today? Maybe, one never knows what the future might bring.

So anyways, that's the story of my first heartbreak. There's some lessons in there if you want to take them, I don't feel like spelling them out explicitly. I always wonder what could have been though, but that's usually a useless conjecture, not worthy of Rand the mighty and glorious.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A matter of clouds

I, I the man of the Rand and the Rand of the man, persevere in spite of attempts by giant fish to stop me. But no giant fish will defeat me, for I am John!!!

But let that matter be discarded. I remember in about 4th or 5th grade I still liked school. Perhaps I didn't admit it because of peer pressure, but overall I enjoyed being at school. It was only with middle school school really started to bug me. Perhaps that was because with the dawning of my hormones my anxiety problems got kicked into to overdrive.

After that, minor social anxiety blossomed into full on social paranoia (I use paranoia here in a very loose, ultra-loose, barely hanging on to the threads of syntax loose sense (basically any rapid-fire depressing, self-hating, fearful thoughts)). Basically my mind exploded. And any sense of social satisfaction I got from school evaporated. And so I had school work. But investing myself in my school work put such intense performance stress on me that it almost killed the alien embryo that I'm raising in my stomach. Or maybe it just gave me anxiety attacks, either one.

So I had to choose whether or not I wanted to attach my worth to my grades. And all my upbringing, my experiences, my culture, etc. suggested to me in the end that while grades were good and an accomplishment, they were not a measure of worth. But let me caution, I presented here a relatively linear process of an intellectual trend, but the mind doesn't work that way, it don't, my friend, it simply don't. Another factor to my disconnecting my sense of worth from my school work was my disconnect from the idea of school being its own universe with teachers having a natural, if not always welcome spot at it head, to it simply being a tiny piece of the universe with teachers being just people without an inherent superiority to me. Suddenly doing well by their measures seemed submitting to an unnecessary (and by my then reasoning automatically unjust) authority. Teenage rebellion, et. al. I suppose. And then there was my religious journey which led me to conclude that earthly authorities must always be subject to heavenly authorities. Etc. So there were a lot of factors.

Then if school (and let me include college here (although college does differ from primary and secondary schooling in some theoretical points which I won't get into here)) wasn't a measure of worth, then what was it supposed to be. More or less a stepping stone, a tool. Intellectually that's how I view it. But emotionally, it's hard to see it as less than confinement. Perhaps that's just a manifestation of my wanderlust soul. Or in more charitable terms an imposition. It's hard to stand that, and perhaps that's a reason why I have such trouble sticking to my classes. But in the way I think about things I actually have less care for school than work. At least when I'm working I get a feeling that I'm building some organization or something, but with school it feels like all my effort is going to nothing except satisfying the expectations of others. Perhaps I can say that when I'm in lecture there's the satisfaction of learning but with tests, projects, and essays, etc. (although occasionally I do feel satisfaction from projects and essays since they involve some creativity, it usually is as much or more giving a feeling of burden). In the end, I just can't take a great deal of satisfaction from school, at least as long as I keep on looking on it as a burden.

Perhaps a better way of looking at matters would be to see school as a game. And the whole matter becomes a competition when it comes to grades. Now many people dislike that analogy because it puts too much stress on kids and undermines their feelings of friendship. But that's only if you look at it as an immensely important game. But let's take this as a pretty important game, not hugely important, you can rebound from bad grades, but it's still got some gravity to it. And there is some fun to it with the learning and all. And then there is some accomplishment to getting a good grade. But it isn't the accomplishment of say a medal of honor, or something that suggests quality in a person (even if a person's true quality is a matter hidden in the brain, personal, and in my mind moreover a matter of how they view the world instead of what they accomplish, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah). Rather a good grade in school is like a victory in football, or soccer, or Magic: The Gathering.

And when it comes down to it, it isn't really a victory over your competitors, they rather are your fellow-travelers in the game, a victory in a game is a victory over its rules, its obstacles and your own limits. Perhaps, if I looked at school like that, it might become palatable again. Stranger things have happened.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I can't stand change or chest waxing

Well, but while I do want change despite its anxiety inducing components, I am not interested in chest waxing. I like my chest hair, it keeps me warm. But then again, if the right lady asked really nicely... But until then I think I'm going to keep my chest hair.

But with change, well, once again, I find I've got to change some problems in my life. Like of course, the fact I had another minor breakdown. Let me emphasize the fact that this matter was minor, it was simply one day. However, it did lead to me missing a day of classes, including several critical classes. So there will be an aftermath. But things can change, and will change for I AM RAND!

But it will not be easy. After all, I have a lot of crazy chemical stuff fiddling around in my head. Plus, etc., etc., etc.

Enough about that

Lets Dance!

Doo doo doo dee doo dee doo bop
Doo dee dee doo dee doo bop
Bop Bop Bop dee doo dee doo doo bop

(Not really dancing, actually sitting down, but dancing in spirit, dancing in spirit).

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Monday, October 8, 2007

In the Garden of Eden, baby

In the Garden of Eden, I'm sure I would post a session every day, in fact, I'd probably post multiple sessions a day, but... this ain't the Garden of Eden baby! And I don't have my own house, and I go home on the weekend, and therefore I have to deal with too many people, too few computers, and recently insane busy-ness on the weekends (due to the whole, now I'm picking up work for the Princeton Review and it's mostly on the weekends (I'm taking care of business and working overtime, WORK OUT!!!!! Doo doo diddi doo doo, doo doo doo doo dooo)).

Overall, just to summarize, really busy, screw you. But I do intend to try to do some better time management, what has bothered me a good deal more than oop (I like it better without the s) missed 2 days worth of sessions, is the fact that I missed going to Church on Sunday. It's been probably 5-7 months since I last missed Church, at least so as that I remember. Church has always been very important to me, so this was pretty disturbing for me. So I need to ask myself, is this a sign that my life has gotten so busy that it is pushing God out of my life, or is it just a mistake made one day that I will studiously avoid from now on? (The latter).

Ultimately, the incident reminded me of why I do everything I do even when it doesn't seem to have any purpose. I am in service of God.

In the Garden of Eden, baby

In the Garden of Eden, I'm sure I would post a session every day, in fact, I'd probably post multiple sessions a day, but... this ain't the Garden of Eden baby! And I don't have my own house, and I go home on the weekend, and therefore I have to deal with too many people, too few computers, and recently insane busy-ness on the weekends (due to the whole, now I'm picking up work for the Princeton Review and it's mostly on the weekends (I'm taking care of business and working overtime, WORK OUT!!!!! Doo doo diddi doo doo, doo doo doo doo dooo)).

Overall, just to summarize, really busy, screw you. But I do intend to try to do some better time management, what has bothered me a good deal more than oop (I like it better without the s) missed 2 days worth of sessions, is the fact that I missed going to Church on Sunday. It's been probably 5-7 months since I last missed Church, at least so as that I remember. Church has always been very important to me, so this was pretty disturbing for me. So I need to ask myself, is this a sign that my life has gotten so busy that it is pushing God out of my life, or is it just a mistake made one day that I will studiously avoid from now on? (The latter).

Ultimately, the incident reminded me of why I do everything I do even when it doesn't seem to have any purpose. I am in service of God.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Boatier or Quotier?

It's late and I've just been standing on my feet watching a Ghostface Killa and a Witchdoctor (not in that order, in another one, guess which one) rap it all up. And yet I'm not ditching you. Yes you're bums, but you're my bums, you lovable bummy mcbums. But I am feeling lazy, or perhaps just awesome. So I'm going to unleash on you something I've been planning for a while: More quotes. In fact, quotes that aren't even on my Facebook page (by the way if you invite me as a friend on Facebook (I'm simply a man of a relatively normal name there) and mention this webpost, I will definitely accept you as a friend, and then nothing will happen, unless you know you follow up with more detailed invitation to a movie or something, etc.), because Facebook says I can't fill my pages up with tons upon tons of quotes. But hey, I'm Rand, so here I'm just going to have to Rand it all up.

"Have mojo, will travel." - Rand

"Those who dance in darkness..." - Rand

"Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself." - Dancing by Myself, Billy Idol

' "It ended up alright in the end right?"

"In the end? It never ends." ' - Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan, Watchmen

"Everybody hurts... sometimes." - Everybody Hurts, R.E.M.

"Look I'm not saying I said this, but it's attributed to me, and I did the attributing, so yeah basically I'm saying I said this." - Rand

' "I put out the fires."

"You made them worse."

"Worse or better?" ' - Invader Zim and the Almighty Tallest, Invader Zim

"Everyone has the obligation to ponder well his own specific traits of character. He must also regulate them adequately and not wonder whether someone else's traits might suit him better. The more definitely his own a man's character is, the better it fits him." - Cicero

"Either you're with us or you're against us, or you're in a third party, or you know there could be a forth party, well, you'd have to be someplace, sometime, somewhere." - Rand

"Everyone lies." - Gregory House, House M.D.

"Oh no! I broke history!" - Hiro Nakamura, Heroes.

"What else can I say? Everyone is gay." - All Apologies, Nirvana

"Don't ever become a pessimist... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." - The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders." - Chris Rock

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - Do not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill

"I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." - Mahatma Gandhi

"A good constitution is infinitely better than the best despot." - Thomas B. Macaulay

So that's the quotes, you judge whether they are boatier or quotier.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

We love big dreams, right? or my review of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

I'm Rand the great and glorious, so come on, of course I love big dreams! But I got to say I love the Haruhi Suzumiya's SOS Brigade as well. Even if they don't match the biggest dreams of all.

Kyon is an ordinary high schooler who has just overcome his middle school obsession with the supernatural. Unfortunately he happens to be placed in the same class as Haruhi, who's obsession is still alive and well to the point of her scorning all activities outside the supernatural. Haruhi also unfortunately sits behind Kyon and Kyon has the unfortunate habit of talking to her. This eventually leads him to attempting to talk Haruhi out of her fixation in one of the stupidest let's be normal speeches I've ever heard. His main point is the majority of people learn to be satisfied in the world, and only a small minority stay dissatisfied and they change the world. Of course this backfires and prompts her to change her world by forming a club to seek out aliens, time-travelers and esper (ESP-ers). Of course, she makes Kyon her first member.

She steals the room of the Literary club as well as its sole member. She "voluntarily arrests" a beautiful second year student, because all good supernatural stories have some sex appeal. And she invites in a mysterious transfer student. Of course, these are in order, an alien, a time-traveler and an esper. If this all seems a bit too convenient, well, that's because Haruhi's real power is that she can alter reality to suit her whims. As well as to suit sometimes her terrible melancholy.

I can sympathize with Haruhi, I always wanted to start a club to find the extraordinary, I came close to it in high school with John Corp (a name that sounds awfully close to Spreading Excitement All Over the World with the Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade). And I was also infected by that most terrible of melancholies, the melancholy of having extraordinary desires in an ordinary world.

Perhaps that's why I can relate to Haruhi, even if she is sometimes a cruel character (an amazon reviewer was quite disturbed by this). But her cruelty makes sense in a way, it does not stem from a cruel personality, even if she treats people poorly at times she doesn't actually purposefully mean any harm, but rather it comes from an infinite sense of energy and purpose (even if that purpose is perpetually scatterbrained (a charming feature, although sometimes it goes a bit too far and creates some akward transitions in the middle of episodes). And the energy is in the end infectious. It calls to the audience and it's hard not to respond. It also serves to bend the fabric of the show, creating a bizarre episode order (although the general idea, which is to spit up the central arc of exposition over the entire season without using the traditional bit by bit along side event of the week method is pretty ingenious). The extremeness of the characters personalities also seem to fit with this. In the end the entire series projects an intense excitement, as well as the titular melancholy.

In its quieter moments, the show conveys the desperate longing for something extraordinary in the ordinary world. This too is conveyed in the fabric of the show, as the bursts of intense supernatural activities are interspliced with scenes of the characters facing intense boredom (although the viewer is rarely shown this long enough to actually provoke boredom in himself). The fact that Haruhi is always cheated out of the real strangeness of her life by the determined efforts of those around her, adds to a certain pity for her, as her life is defined by that tension between being surrounded by the mundane and wishing passionately for the supernatural. The central arc approaches this tension with the necessary seriousness, but without ever losing its sense of humor. That made me however, sympathize with Haruhi even more, and it almost made me wish that she (unconsciously) destroyed the world to get a taste of her extraordinary.

I can't say I haven't had similar desires, a bit not that extreme. A wish for something disastrous to happen so that I might have a chance to become a hero. A wish for the entire world to be revealed as a fraud. A wish that I could stumble through the looking glass into a world of magic and never look back. I think we all feel that way sometimes, although it is usually manifested in simply a desire to run away to some different place where something so strange that it's almost supernatural might happen. But in the end we rarely run away, because there are too many people we care about, and too many people they care about, and too little solid out there to be worth risking all those relationships. And in the end, we never really want to destroy the world, because all the people we love are here.

At times it reaches slow spots, at times it jumps from topic to topic too fast even for an avid viewer, at times it is too bizarre even for me (the elaboration of the identities of the aliens, time-travelers, and ESP-ers are completely and utterly insane and make my head hurt), but there is so much energy to this anime, so much sincere effort, and characters that while at times cruel, are immensely charming in their exaggerated insanity. And it conveys so much love for supernatural mysteries that seem just right around the corner that it's hard not to become infected by it. And then it's hard not to be struck by the lack of supernatural mysteries, and then it's easy to relate to the melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

All told, this anime gets an 8/10. So far at least, I hear they're coming out with a new season, which it's hard to imagine will be anything other than awesome.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Come on, Let's Dance! Come on, Let's Dance! Baby!

I'd rather not start on a bad note because even if I am feeling rather crappy today, and let me be clear that I am feeling rather crappy today, it's better not to wallow in it, but rather to defy it, which makes me wonder why I decided to make clear that I was feeling crappy today, oh t'well.

Anyhow, on that note, let me relate this, I was originally going to title this session is Fucking A' (note that I'm using Fucking as an adjective, not as a verb, or as a gerund (as in an A' that is doing some fuking), and while A' here does refer to ass, it is ass in a figurative sense, and not to an a person in particular but to a general situation). This refers to my general frustration with life at the moment. But then, something must be considered. Is my frustration something that simply can be ignored or does it have a cause that must be dealt with.

Classically in TV and literature for that matter, if someone felt often a frustration and uneasiness with life they'd conclude that something was missing in their life. But I can't say that's the case for me, at least necessarily. Dissatisfaction is a natural part of depression and it craves ultimately self-destruction. And that's something I can't give it. And if these impulses exist within me, and I refuse them, well, then there will always be that restlessness within me. And I will have to live with it. And sometimes, when events or circumstances trigger it, or perhaps simply when my cycle of highs and lows hits a low, the feelings will intensify. Medication might help these problems, therapy might help, but barring a miracle (always a possibility), I find it unlikely that these feelings will go away. Thus if I conclude something is missing every time I feel dissatisfied, I will be endlessly searching for that something, and while I am searching, all my life will pass me by, and it will be a pass by full of dissatisfaction from unfulfilled searching for that matter.

I suppose this isn't necessarily something confined to the depressed or mentally ill. Dennis Leary once said something along the lines that happiness isn't a default state, it's just small moments. And I have heard similar sentiments expressed in songs. And yet, I have met people who seem naturally happy. I suppose it's just a degree of natural dissatisfaction, whether its a matter of biology (perhaps a stand-alone issue or related to other matters as in my case) or a matter of experience, is within the normal variation of people even without disorders. As is natural happiness. Some of us have an easier load, and some have a harder one, I try not to rank mine too precisely, but I'd say it's harder than most, at least most in this country, but easier than many.

On the other hand, even if it is painful and frustrating, a natural dissatisfaction does have its advantages. It prevents becoming complacent and lazy, it forces people forward, even if it sometimes leaves them forever running forward without a reason without a stop. I don't mind moving forward, but I'd like a reason, and I'd like a stop sometimes. So things must be managed.

Of course, it could be the dissatisfaction is perfectly legitimate and has roots in a real emotional issue that I have been avoiding. It's hard to tell. With false signals running through the head, it's hard to grip on the true warnings. But I am awesome and I am Rand so it's all good in the 'hood.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

More, more, more (but that song's not here)

Ah, well, the music's a callin' and I'm a comin', also I'm chronically short on time, and while by no means short on ideas I am comically only able to access those ideas when I don't feel like writing them down. Or maybe scrap all that, and stick with Music=Awesome, Rand=Awesome, therefore Rand=Music.

1. Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days - From the album The Madding Crowd - Although I'm not fond of that album name, I absolutely love this song (you get it, absolutely love, eh, never mind). I suppose it has something to do with the fact that guys love tragic girls, they bring out protection instincts, admiration instincts, sympathy instincts, etc. + it ends with her smiling, and a girl's smile always has a special charm for a heart of a guy.


Nine Day's video - An awesome video, but very odd if you think about it. I suppose it speaks to skill of the director to make the oddness of the video fit the song. Until the end, we may find the images strange, but they all tell the story of a girl.

Absolutely (A Story of a Girl) AMV - anime - His and Her Circumstances - Now, first of all, the fact that I like this anime does suggest that I am actually a girl, but no I'm not, I'm just a guy who likes shojo. But beyond that, what's nice about this AMV is how it takes just the weirdness and problems of the girl star of His and Her Circumstances and make it fit the song even though her story, even as depicted in the video doesn't objectively match the story of the song, still the video makes it feel like they match.

2. Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang - From the album Hooray for Boobies - Now I believe sex belongs in marriage and I believe this song, while not explicit on the matter, believes everything but that, still it rocks immensely.


The Bloodhound Gang's video - This video makes no sense on so many levels, for so many reasons.

Bad Touch AMV - anime - FLCL - Given that the title of this anime means "Grab the Boobies," it seems like a good fit. And the video does not disappoint since it keeps everything moving and moving insanely, with a dark undertone which fits perfectly with the song, after all it is a Bad Touch.

3. Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz - From the album Gorillaz - Are you questioning the awesomeness of this song? ARE YOU questioning the awesomeness of THIS SONG? For shame, for shame.

Lyrics - This is one of those great songs for rapping it yourself, again and again, till you have managed the lyrics to the extent that it has become a federal offense.

The Gorillaz music video - This was my first exposure to Gorillaz, and it taught me to love the band and always fear zombie ape attacks.

Clint Eastwood AMV - anime - Cowboy Bebop - It's hard to go wrong with a Cowboy Bebop AMV, although it is possible. But this nicely matches the soft parts of this song with some nice fight scenes of Spike, which work especially well, given the water-based fighting tactics of Spike (read a little about Bruce Lee to see what I mean), while matching the aggressive rapping with Ed, who's as funkier than any ghost could possibly be.

4. Meet Virginia by Train - From the album Train - I have never been fond of the use of a band's name as an album title, but let that not detract from this song. It's beauty is like the beauty it describes, a little bit off, a little bit confusing, a little bit less than it could be at times, but in the end, simply wonderful.


Train's video - a nice soft-moving, self-explanatory video, nothing wrong with that.

Meet Virginia AMV - anime - The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya - There are a couple missteps to this video, like starting out with the girl showing her bra in a video talking about an unconventional beauty (although that could be said to be unconventional, and the unconventionalness of the girl is established with most of the video). But this video is amazingly edited. It represents in some ways a different level of technical skill than is usually seen in AMVs, that said, technical skill cannot replace skillful matching of video and music (although it can enhance it), and fortunately this AMV does just that. It does it in fact well enough that I decided to check out the anime (I hadn't seen it before, but from the episodes I've seen it's pretty cool, and hilariously funny, Haruhi's got gumption, as another gumption-haver, how can I not love her?).

5. Closing Time by Semisonic - From the album Feeling Strangely Fine - The reason for picking this song to end with is not strange, because as this sentence itself suggests I am immensely corny. But the reason for using this song instead of not using it is a matter of quality, and of the resigned (or perhaps satisfied) longing of the song.


Semisonic's video - See, I told you! Longing.

Closing Time AMV - anime - Love Hina - What does this AMV have to do with closing time? Well, I suppose, it's you know end of the day, and there's that one scene, and... Well, it doesn't have to have anything to do with closing time, in fact given that closing time is only the song's literal meaning and just using that would be lame, it's good it doesn't have anything to do with closing time. Instead, it's about longing, the feeling of the video is matching the feeling of the song, and that's how it's supposed to be.

So gather up your jackets, move into the exits, I hope you have found a friend. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Actually you can, and since you're probably reading this from home, your trip home isn't going to take you very long, but anywho... Just remember, a little lyrical longing ain't a bad thing, just don't let it swallow you whole.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!