Monday, October 15, 2007

It's not so bad, my glasses are just tinted

I've been putting off writing a session for a while, for a variety of reasons. First mega, super, busy-ness. Secondly, on Saturday I did a session which took a lot out of me in terms of energy and emotion. Thirdly, writing a session given the first two reasons, would be confirming that this webpost meant something to me, and I'm a bit uncertain of what it does mean to me. But it does make me feel good and satisfied with my life, and right now I feel like not to many things do that. See the title line when considering what I've said here, I'm a little depressed right now and that's tinting what I'm thinking. But still this webpost does mean something to me.

I'm still uncertain how many people read this webpost, given my view counts the answer is: More than before, but still less than I'd like. Oh well. This project keeps me working and it keeps me working for myself, and honestly it keeps me creative. I think overall I've been pretty creative with my stuff here, although I'm trying to build up a little bigger audience before I go to my REALLY creative stuff. But in terms of productiveness and such I often end up writing up to 5 pages a week, which isn't bad for a consistent project.

I'm trying to sort out my life a bit because things aren't going great for me. I'm behind on virtually all my school work, but while that isn't something out of the ordinary, what is is the fact that I am failing a class right now. It is due to the fact largely that the teacher has an asinine attendance policy (I'm not saying that the teacher is asinine, she seems like a nice lady and all, but her policy is asinine, it's two absences then 1/2 a grade penalty I mean really). To tell the truth even with a more liberal attendance policy, if it were any that had any degree of strictness, I'd be in some trouble, due to the massiveness of my absences. My other academic problems are much more recoverable, especially since I got an extension from one of my teachers on a project. But even with the extension...

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired now and I'm only really able to keep my focus by watching tv (if that doesn't sound sensible, let me be a little clearer, watching good tv energizes me and enlivens my mind. Thus it keeps me awake (whether or not I should be awake is a different matter, but I largely just want to finish this session). I've had energy problems for a long, long time, more or less as long as I can remember. But lately it's been getting progressively worse. Or maybe it's just my perception of the energy problems. Or maybe it's just my laziness. I can't say for sure.

But beyond weariness of the body is always, always weariness of the soul. I am sustained by the love of the Almighty, but perhaps it's a lacking of faith, or perhaps it's just a desire for something better, but I am weary. And when I have a weariness like this, no matter how hard the failure of life hit me and tempt me with death, it's hard to be motivated to succeed. So I've been thinking about what makes me happy (and by happy I mean some real satisfaction happiness, not just a temp. high I can get by say eating a lot of junk food (although a good meal does have an element of beauty to it and that does give a degree of satisfaction like all art)), and how I can use it to put some energy into my life. Writing sessions makes me happy. Writing stories, heck, writing in general makes me happy. Working on the newsteam gives me some satisfaction, although it's tempered by the fact that I think I'm slacking off to a degree in that regard). Reading and watching tv for fun, somewhat, to a degree, but my restlessness makes it difficult for me to do that without anything else, and furthermore, it doesn't really bring out more of a happiness to my life. Friends, yeah, they make me happy (this is when you start singing I get by with a little help from my friends). But organizing get togethers is difficult and heck, overall social interaction is difficult, taxing, and hard for me to commit to (due to anxieties, fears, etc.) + there's a matter of time and busy-ness.

But perhaps what doesn't take too much time, and what does make me happy would making the girl I like smile. For some time now my feelings towards a girl have been growing into what might be called a crush. There's no good word for it, crush sounds to juvenile, and this isn't love. I'm trying to make sure I don't rush into a feeling like love headstrong without regard, and I've been careful to pace my emotions. But I could say I have a crush on her. And making her happy makes me happy. Just talking with her gives me a jolt of energy, although that energy can easily become anxiety if I become a little beet paranoid about the conversation (hence, I need to watch for that (one of the things I've learned about myself is the need to watch out for out of control emotions, because I've been down that path far too many times)). If I could talk to her every day, and if she liked talking to me, well it would be nice. As things are now, I've been pacing myself in my conversations with her, making sure not to annoy her with constant calling, etc. But in the last couple weeks, I've called her maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and those times have brightened up my days.

God does encourage relationships, so I suppose he doesn't mind if we seek happiness in them (although we must always remain first devoted to our Heavenly Lord). There was a prayer in Church last week that reminded me of that. But still, still, I feel like I can't be hasty in pursuing a relationship because I don't want to frighten her away, but I'm tired of being lonely. Then on the third hand, on the third hand (hey look I've got three hands), on the third hand, sometimes I feel like it's my destiny to wander the world alone, and I must accept it.

I dunno, I'm not sure what I need to do, what I want to, I can't say I'm terribly sure of my life right now. But God wants me to live. And I think God wants me to do something great with my life. So I press on.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Maybe. Or maybe the story is actually a different matter altogether. I don't know.

By the way, if that girl I do have a crush on is reading this (I almost feel inclined to say her name, but that would be rude to this highest degree and it would also have great consequences that would spiral out of my control (although she probably knows who she is)), yeah all I've said above is true. And there are more convoluted matters in my emotions that are not here but are also true. But put all this aside for a moment, and think of this. Do you think you could feel about me in a romantic way? If so, all I ask is you let me speak to you once in a while, let me see you once in a while, let me make you smile once in a while. It would mean the world to me, if you could do me that favor.

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