You can't stop the music, even if you wanted to

And still the beat goes on. I've been putting off doing a music session for a while for a while because of a bunch of reasons really, I guess I was frustrated with YouTube and the often shallow selection of AMV's there (I mean come on people do you really have put every single song to Fullmetal Alchemist, and Naruto, come on people why Naruto? (I think I actually understand why Naruto appeals to people, it combines a fairly straight forward fighting anime with simple comedy and drama elements, nothing especially fancy, nothing especially well integrated, and not up to great standards, but I can see how people could like it, especially if this was the first anime they saw (or simply the first they saw after Pokemon and Yugi-Oh))). I was also just generally avoiding doing a real session because, well, things fall apart.

And things aren't well, now, but still we must press on, even if we'd rather stop.

Anyways, even though I touched on this before I thought I'd start things off with:

1. A Perfect Situation by Weezer - From the album Make Believe - I'm not going to go too deeply into it since like I said I touched on this song before in this previous session. But it is damn good song, so chuck filled with emotion that at the end all you can say is Ooooooh, Ooooh, Oh, Ooooh, except it time and melody with the song, alright fine, Ooooh doesn't work well when written out.

Lyrics

Weezer's video - An awesome video, funny, cool and still it reaches into your heart and gives it a little squeeze

A Perfect Situation AMV - anime - Midori Days - Despite the anime being about a guy with a girl on his hand (no, this is not porn), the anime's filled with that wishfillness for romance just like the song, and this AMV really brings out that emotion, sometimes its a bit too literal it its imagery but it connects the video with the song and comes out better for it so well, well done video maker, well done.

2. Sunday, Bloody Sunday by U2 - From the album The Joshua Tree - This is an immensely stirring song. It is about the Bloody Sunday Massacre, you can check a small primer on the matter on Wikipedia. It was part of the greater Northern Ireland conflict, but ulitimately the song boils down to a roar against violence. And this was before Bono became so goody-two-shoes that it just makes you want to smack him upside the head.

Lyrics

U2's video - a standard concert video, which I suppose in its simplicity underlines the seriousness of the emotion, but I prefer a later fan made video made with clips from a movie depicting the events of Bloody Sunday, U2 video stuff, and some photos from the day itself.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday AMV - anime - Neon Genesis Evangelion - A damn good AMV, I must say. It certainly connects in terms of energy and mood with the song and much of that connection is due to the choice of elements by the AMV-maker. Still it strikes me as interesting choice thematically since Neon Genesis Evangelion is all about Senji's struggle to find a reason to fight and Sunday, Bloody Sunday is well about not fighting. But the great anguish of war, that's the connecting element the AMV picks out well.

3.London Calling by the Clash - From the London Calling - The desperate, insanity. The utter energetic pessimism. The nihilisticly joyous anger. Ahhh, that's the stuff. That's the ROCK!!!!

Lyrics

The Clash's Video - Now like the U2 video for Sunday, Bloody Sunday this is largely just the guys playing their music (although not at a concert), but the setting, the lights and shadows, the angles and the cutting all create a better video. Just a little tip for you aspiring video directors. (Note this is actually an altered version with some video edits and remastered sound, if you want this is the original video)

London Calling AMV - anime - Rurouni Kenshin - Now I don't like to repeat myself with animes I have unsure opinions on (I used to watch this a couple times but I didn't really get into it then, maybe I'll watch it some time in the future), but I really wanted to have a London Calling AMV and this one captured the chaos of emotions that swirl around in this song, and it does it with swords!!!

4. Best of You by the Foo Fighters (keep on fighting that Foo guys!) - From the album In Your Honor (it's in my honor, not in you guys', I'm the special one here) - I always felt this song was about the struggle to maintain hope and passion against tragedy. Least that's my ways of it, but this much I know, and I know this for trues, this song is awesome.

Lyrics

The Foo Fighter's video - insane video, but if this song isn't about insanity, it's about something mighty close to it.

Best of You AMV - anime - various - This AMV belongs to the cutting edge of the genre, where people use really nice video editing software to punch up their videos with fades and live action implants and the like (as well as obnoxious opening bits), but none of that would be enough without the meat and cheese of AMV craftsmanship (by the way my little sister has gone vegan which means she has given up both meats and cheeses), scene selection, tonal matches, energy correlation, etc. And this succeeds, it contains a sense of strength, of yearning, of deep struggle, of passionate emotions, and of mental anguish. Maybe not exactly what I got from the song but plenty close enough to the song to enhance it and let it shine.

5.Eye of the Tiger by Survivor - From the Rocky III Soundtrack - Dude, anyone who listens to this song before a performance or competitive event and does not get pumped up has no soul, or doesn't the song (but then they're just lame).

Lyrics

Survivor's video - alright this isn't actually Survivor's video, but it's close enough since the song was designed for Rocky III (besides you can't tell me what to do! You're not my real mom (unless mom is reading this)!)

Eye of the Tiger AMV - anime - Naruto - After griping about Naruto before, why feature a AMV with Naruto? Because I can! Also I'm willing to give that Naruto is a decent fighting anime (although I'm not crazy about all that jitsu stuff, I mean I know it gives a systematic sense to made up martial arts, but after a while it just sounds lame), and it is occasionally able to throw its characters into some nice combat scenes that can be nicely sliced up, smacked together and turbo-charged with the awesomeness of this song to explode into greatness (although I will smack this AMV a little for incorporating a lot of scenes from a Naruto plotline actually featuring a special eye (you can tell this if you read the subtitles that are left in (little tip for AMV makers, unless you plan on incorporating the subtitles, just use a dubbed version))).

So that's it for the music biz. And that's the biz with music and siz. It's nice to really invest some effort into a session like this. Even if these music sessions aren't as intense as the normal sessions (and that's a real if, since I'm always surprised by how long music sessions actually take to put together), it gives a little sense of accomplishment, even if my readership is small enough that I could beat them up with one hand tied behind my back and the other connected to an electric beating machine.

Little side notes: Congrats to old Piro and his wife Sera on their baby Jack!

Also my sympathy to Ryan Sohmer for his recent loss of his cat, baby (the comic on that is here and he has a blog entry on it here).

Odd how that ended up. I've never met these guys, but I've always admired them (to a degree), and they inspired me in part to get onto this interweb, so well, well that's that.

As to my own stuff, well, it's my own, and I have other feelings and shout outs I'd like to give, but I don't care to be coy or irreverent and so I no longer care to continue this session (although I should be back for another one tommorow, why? Because I'm just that awesome).

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And the sole survivor watchs us all, he's got the eye of the tiger

I was tempted to just go with "Eye of the Tiger" for the name of this session, but I think that might sound too light and it sort of doesn't give the full feel of the song, which is sort of about the intensity of the drive to triumph (at least I think so), talking about the sole survivor I think more captures that and gives me a good tone to go with the session.

I'm tempted to say this session is about a part of me that people don't really understand, but that would be lame (I mean really, no one understands anyone else, and while that is at times sad, it also allows us to keep a part of ourselves private and solely ours), besides I think some people might understand this part of me, especially since I've explained it to them on occasion. I'm talking about my ambition, to be more negative, my lust for power. I was reading a review by Robert Ebert of the movie Amadeus (I recommend both the movie and Robert Ebert's reviews (thank you Jeff for pointing out how excellent they are, if not always correct (Usual Suspects is a good movie Ebert!!!))) and he talked about the jealousy of a man of normal talent who needs great effort to succeed towards a man of genius-level effortless talent (although I'd like to point out many genius level talents need to constantly practice). I understand that feeling even without personalizing it, but I can personalize it, I have felt that way. I thought about it and I realized I didn't feel that way towards other writers, I have from time to time felt some jealousy especially when reading particularly excellent works but never incredibly intense jealousy which was found in Amadeus (well, maybe a little in regards to incredibly weird works where I'm jealous of their unique creative vision, but that's not something that really sticks with me unlike what I'm about to talk about), in the end I am confident in the quality of my work and my potential as a writer. Who I am jealous about is the powerful, and that is because I am intensely ambitious. I want power, to some extent it makes me high, I wonder if there's a sexual component to it (based on my private fantasies, which I will NOT get into here, I suspect this may be the case), I want to shape the world. There is a somewhat altruistic component to the feeling, I want to change the world to make it a better place, but there is a more primal emotion within me that just wants power and influence, good, bad or whatever. I want to feel the nations of the world tremble before me. I am jealous of the powerful, of those who found ways to creep into power, of those for whom it was so easy to get power, for those who have genius in wielding power (I think there is a real skill and talent to wielding power, the best example of this is perhaps Lyndon Johnson, who lacked charisma but made up that deficit with an amazing ability to get things done even if at times his means were unethical and illegal).

Right now I feel powerless, and honestly I'm uncertain on how to acquire power or if it will ever be mine, at times I think I might have some ability to manage and acquire power, but my reality tend to deflate those feelings. I am a college student, I have no influence, I have no great strength, if I died tomorrow it would have an impact on those around me but it would not have a national impact nor a global one. At times I want power so badly it almost hurts, but I try to push that aside, I must live with my lust for power and I can perhaps take advantage of it, but I cannot let it rule me or destroy me. But it does drain me, feeling powerless I wonder what is the use of trying to succeed when my ambitions seem infinitely far away, often because they are in the end so great. I try to deflate them, to narrow them, and I can at times focus them on more short-term goals, but to truly dismiss my at times grandious ambitions seems for me impossible.

That said, I don't think this is a case where I need to be depressed without power. If I can feel that what I'm doing with my life is bringing me closer to power, I can derive some satisfaction from that fact, but I don't feel that way now. Primarily because I don't know the path to power, the plans I do have seem to ambitious and they are constrained by my old enemies fear and anxiety which in a little vicious circle feed off of my feelings of powerlessness. I need I think to find a way, a profession, something that can make feel like I'm making progress towards making an impact (spiritually, culturally, economically, politically, etc., I'm not that particular since I understand the importance of the various dimensions of power and I'm not a Marxian, man is not simply an economic beast), I need to overcome my fears and anxieties to do this, but I find it difficult, exhausting, especially since I'm trying to make progress towards making progress and so my ultimate goals still seem so far away.

So am I just ambition? No, I understand and prize the value of smaller things, of interactions between family and friends, of helping people on a smaller scale, of just finding joy in day to day things, but ultimately I find that is not enough. Maybe this is something I need to work harder on, but it's very difficult to find my life adequate without some quest for power. Except, except there is one other thing which I think can replace my lust for power. A woman I suppose (children too I guess but that's getting way to ahead of myself). I am at heart a hopeless romantic, and if I feel that I am working towards a romantic relationship I think I can derive a lot of satisfaction in life simply from that. That I suppose gets to the other type of people who I am intensely jealous of, people who have romantic relationships, people who acquired them effortlessly, naturally, in a way I can never hope to achieve. Maybe I can find romance in time, but it will never be easy, it will never be simple. As I have lived my life I have seen many of my relatives, siblings, and friends achieve such relationships and it makes me feel more and more emotionally retarded, and desperately jealous. The season undoubtably plays a role in this. It is nearing Valentine's Day and while I am saved from overexposure by my lack of TV, I still feel the day approaching (actually it is only 40 minutes away (I realize that the time of posting does not reflect that, but the time of posting only reflects when I started the session not when I actually posted it (yes it takes me that long to write a session, what of it want to fight (I actually think my love of fighting has partially to do with my ambition, although partially it has to do with the beauty of motion expressed in fighting, and part of it has to do with the intensity of the emotions present and depth of human nature expressed (I wonder if I started a fight club whether that would cheer me up, maybe but that is not a long term solution I imagine))).

But Valentine's Day, that is something isn't it, really, all my life I've wanted some girl to share that day with, but it's never happened, and perhaps it never will. Some people don't have romantic relationships, there are some who are not suited for them (the Bible actually addresses this although in today's culture we assume that everyone must eventually get married, ironically the feminist movement rejects this while often citing the Bible as anti-feminist, which it is at points, but my defense of the Bible (and I am preparing a strong and vigorous one) will have to await for another session)). But I want one, damn it! And I could use one. High school taught me, rather painfully not to depend on getting a woman to save you (I think perhaps I've overlearned the lesson of not depending on people, of course this also is part of my ambition thing, the more you depend on people, the less powerful you feel, generally, although I try to remind myself that that is only true when you're overdependent)), but having a romantic relationship I think would help to soothe my mind a little. Talking to a woman you care about gives you a sense of peace, not the kind of peace where you feel like you're taking a break from the world, but a sort of peace where you feel that you're still productive, still active, but at the same time completely satisfied with your life. It is another sort of high, but it's a semi-religious feeling (I think perhaps I over idolize the romantic relationship which will probably cause problems when or if I ever get involved in one). I felt that sometimes when I thought perhaps I had a girlfriend (an episode I'm unlikely to talk about here for at least many years after the fact to avoid talking about a person whom I still care deeply about behind their back). I'd like to feel that way again. I'd like to feel love, real man-woman romantic love, I'd really like to have that. But as Valentine's Day approaches, I must mark another year without that, or at least without a real relationship where the love is exchanged and not just a one sided obsession (although this last year did not really have that either, although there were girls I did like, the emotion did not rise to the level of love (I kept it that way by making sure to repress the temptation to overblow my feelings)). But what you going to do. Well, I could have done something today by going to a speed-dating event, but in the end I did not go. I probably should have, since now my only option is to approach my romantic prospects which I'm actually horrible at. This sucks, it really does, but it's life, and it's Valentine's day, so good luck to all those in love, I'm intensely and profoundly jealous of you, but I'm still the romantic and so I wish you good luck.

I should wrap this up, so to conclude, I've got a lust for power and I have no romance and both of those are fueling dissatisfaction in my life, and while I can work on that, my immediate prospects of solving these problems is not great and so, well, it sucks, but I'm going to have to get over it. I asked my psycologist if life ever gets easy to live after he told me to push past these negative emotions to get things done, and he says that if I keep pushing through the emotions it should get easier by repeated practice, maybe, but right now life's hard (and no I don't need to talk about it my friends, I've talked about my problems so many times I'm throughly tired of that, I understand you're there for me, but ultimately you can't solve my problems, you can help and maybe I should reach out for that help more, but really ultimately the problems are mine to solve). But like I said I should wrap things up, so well, take it to your heart, take it to your head, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!