Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Lies, damn lies, and love

There are a number of lies which color my perception of relationships with girls I like. Some are obvious and some are somewhat more subtle. I touched on some of these in my Irrelevant are the dogs session. An obvious lie there that I pointed out was my youthful romantization of dog (me)-master (a girlfriend) romantic relationship. I have to wonder, if I ever do get a sexual relationship, whether this will have any impact on my sexual tastes, but that's not for this session. A more subtle lie expressed in that session was the title, "Irrelevant are the dogs," the idea that the dog, the devoted admirer, will always have his feelings ignored is in the end false, sometimes this happens, but usually it is not do to the devotion but rather the other failings of the dog, such as painful shyness. Sometimes the dog-master relationship causes a romantic relationship to collapse. Sometimes the dog-master relationship perseveres, for better or for worse for the couple. Sometimes the relationship starts out as dog-master but then progresses to one of equals, I think this tends to happen to some degree as relationships mature and each member of the couple finds their complementary niches and areas of mutual effort.

I think that there are few rules that can really limit romantic relationships in the way they work. Men can be dominant, women can be dominant, an equality is preferable but the relationship should not be forced into a politically correct mold, even if there is good reason for that politically correct model. But these are just my ideas. And they might be lies.

I have had other lies. Perhaps the saddest and deepest relate to my first heartbreak, which I plan on relating sometime relatively soon (stay tuned!). There I lied to myself to some degree about the depth of my emotions, but perhaps worse I lied to myself about the importance to those emotions to my overall self-worth, which in retrospect set the stage for my first suicide attempt. But even with the lies I'm pretty sure I've told myself in the past, I still must wonder if I'm now lying about the lies.

I know a few truths. One is that a relationship must be a full commitment and while founded on love must be maintained by effort. Another is no relationship should destroy a person's core moral values, no relationship is more important than a person's relationship with God.

But perhaps this is the greatest truth I know about relationships, and that is that I know pitifully little about relationships, even less than the pitiful amount most people know, and yet, and yet my strong attraction to women, my desire for romantic love, my ambition for family life and for a strong relationship with a soul-mate, all these things guide me to another truth. Even if in the end I conclude that I am not meant for marriage, etc., now, at this point in my life, and for the foreseeable future, I must strive to date, eventually to construct a relationship, and to see where these things lead me, even if the path is hard and full of pain.

As it likely will be, groping around in the universe of romance, which is as dark as night and distorted by illusions, which thicken the air like the humidity of a monsoon. So it goes.

But who knows what truths will come when the cascade of lies is cut down?

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

1 comment:

t987h said...

Wow, it sounds like you've figured out some of your misconceptions and put some effort (down in writing) in dealing with them. In retrospect it doesn't seem that impossible to realize these small mistakes is it? I've always thought you were a smart and perceptive human being who can see to the heart of things. It's terrific you are seeing the world as it is. Keep up the good work.