Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Bright eyes maybe

Now I have a poem which likely must go in for heavy editing (it was written during my high school years and is one of the best examples of my stream-of-consciousness phase, but I feel while it has a legitimately quality core, there are some aspects lacking now which sometime later can be perfected), but one of the lines is sad eyes maybe, which I might change to pale eyes maybe. But then again, right now I'm feeling like a man with bright eyes.

Cue Mr. Brightside

But then again, I've been on the bright side before, and pale eyes aren't too far away. If that transition made no sense to you, I'm sorry, but I think if you apply analytical skill to this transition and to the transitions before, and it should all make sense, with enough effort. But do you really want to spend enough effort on a matter like this?

Just puttin' on the ritz.

I've think I've done enough psuedo-meta-theory, psuedo-philosophical psychobabble for now, so let's move on.

Movin' on's been a big topic on my mind lately for obvious reasons: I'm going to graduate in May (barring disaster or dramatic reassessment of my plans). But here's one reason for staying more focus on the here and now:


Ah, woman the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems.

I've already talked about all that in a sense or so. I can talk more about my feelings to the more lovely gender, but that would engender far more writing than I am willing to do now.

The writing I will do now is instead a matter of my newly intensified interest in the fairer sex. Now certainly, I've been interested in girls since I've hit puberty and even well before (even before I had a sex drive, I still liked the idea of being married someday and very much to a woman). But my desire for romance has always ebbed and flowed. And now it is very much flowing.

But what surprises me is most flows I've had have been related to specific fixations, crushes, and unrequited loves. This... this is different. Certainly I have prospects, some more attractive (I mean that in the non-literal sense, although of course some are more attractive physically than others, but I like to think that's not how I order the women I like) than others. But when the romantic upsurge started was actually when I was in the absolute worse place possible for romance: among family in a foreign land.

During winter break I spent two weeks in India, and that is when I first noticed a marked increase in my romantic poetry. That increased continued and was mixed by an increased desire for romantic stories and tv, etc. Now last semester I certainly spent some effort on trying to enter the dating world, but when push came to shove I prioritized work over dating. Moreover, I got a sense last semester that there was not really much point to dating, because the girls around me were likely not to be in my life in May. But now, still, I want romance, and I want it now.

That's not to say I need full love. I want that, but I find myself unusually tolerant of the prospect of dating (they say men like the chase, to me the chase seems just painful), just because I want to be around girls I like. There's something beautiful about women, something inherently beautiful. They have such a fullness of life to them, or maybe that's my imagination. But the feeling I get when I'm with a girl I like, even if women aren't as lively I might imagine them to be (alright I'll give you that not all women have that magical degree of life, but some special ones do, and they all seem special to me, although one I think will be very, very special), I feel a little bit more lively, like my life is really full.

But again, I didn't really want to go into the exactitudes of my feelings about women. Well, okay... let me just get to what I was getting to. I think why India triggered my romantic feelings is that... in India I was away from work and with family, and to some degree I was okay with that. Yet I knew there was a part of me dissatisfied with that, and yet... seeing my family, seeing the idea of family, suddenly I felt, just maybe, if I had a woman at my side, romantically I mean, perhaps I wouldn't really care if I was away from work.

Perhaps this puts my sudden willingness to put off working in a new perspective, maybe what I'm feeling is a desire for romance and maybe I just want to seek that instead of work for a while.


Perhaps a lot of things.

More likely I don't need to concretely decide between work and romance... and if I do, well I don't need to decide right now.

Right now... well...

In touch with the ground
Im on the hunt Im after you
Smell like I sound, Im lost in a crowd
And Im hungry like the wolf
Straddle the line, in discord and rhyme
Im on the hunt Im after you
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And Im hungry like the wolf

And I'm hungry like a wolf... or something like that.

But anywho, I think I've got to get moving on. Work's a calling, and maybe romance too.

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