Friday, June 12, 2020

Kicking it up with InfiniteRand

Long time since I've posted anything, something of a long time since I've written anything. This prompts the question of who would have any interest in reading what I have to write. My brother gave me a good suggestion, thinking about writing for my daughters. While I try to be open with them about a lot of things, there are some things I keep to myself, and even more that I just do not have the time or occasion or expression to share. At the very least, what I write might be useful for them to have, even though I suspect even if they have it they are probably not likely to read it, after all how many go through all of the family photos except once in a blue moon, but in their lives they are likely to have a blue moon once and again.

Of course, that makes me think it's probably best to have some backup set up in case Google gets tired of this blogspot abandonware or gives some opt-in prompt that I neglect in my old age, consigning my words to oblivion.

Anyways, that is the minimum, I have two intelligent and curious little girls, and whether or not they read my words having the words would be a comfort, and it might be a discomfort for them to think that I stopped writing around the time I had them (the timelines do not line up for that, in fact my last post was before I met their mother, but people have a way of overlooking blurry timelines in these type of things, although I hope that is something I can teach them to avoid). So there is that minimum. And perhaps there are more that might enjoy my words, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... (I want to say that is from some British sitcom but I can't recall the name, maybe Coupling?)

Why I stopped or at least paused my writing? Many reasons, if I'm honest sloth is among them, fear of writing something bad, fear my creativity might be gone, apathy, feeling that my writing is worthless (so rather than giving up my writing for the sake of my kids, my kids have given me a counteraction against one of my hindrances, and yes kids, I expect you to learn all of those big words), questioning my place in the big scheme of things. None of that is especially new (well me not writing is not especially new at this point).

Perhaps what it is, and there is a little supporting evidence of this, is at the time of my life when I decided to get serious about being married, I decided to put focus on the rituals, procedures, and habits necessary to help me find a wife. I can go into this more a different day, but much of this rubbed against my anxieties, social and otherwise, and it took a considerable mental effort to push on this.

Essentially, to make it short, making a concerted effort to find a wife was stressful for me.

This is also why I resigned as a member of the national board of the MCYM, despite that being one of my preferred social and to some degree creative outlets (more on that a different day, in fact pretty much all of these sentences could be fleshed out into a paragraph or two, but I have promises to keep...), the stress of the obligations of my duties as a national board member (which perhaps I took too seriously) was a weight that I knew would be difficult to me to bear in addition to these new stresses.

While I did not make a decision to stop writing them, that stress did decrease my output (although it would be interesting to go into my notebooks and to see to what degree at what point, of course for that be accurate I would need dates on everything which I don't have). Then the stress of marriage, married life, eventually parenthood, all vital things I wanted in my life, these did not directly work against me writing but what they did do is leave less energy to fight against the old fears and anxieties associated with writing, which as always grew the longer I stayed away from writing. While this can be looked at as some unfortunate accident, I do remember at times reflecting on the trade-off between the married/fatherly life I was pursuing and the effort needed to sustain me as a writer, ultimately I made a choice. Not a choice to stop writing, but a choice to pursue the family life I wanted and believed was a vital part of my life's vocation, even if my writing life suffered.

I made a choice and I still believe it was the correct one. I look at my wife and my girls, and we have built something beautiful together, something blessed by God and sacred.

There's some simplification there, and so other factors that I know played a role, but I think this assessment is true enough to let it stand.

This leads me to say, there is no reason why I shouldn't write now, although it shouldn't be at the expense of this life I have built, if the two do not work against each other, why not write? (From the assessment above, you might say well it sounds like they do work against each other, but the relationship between different responsibilities, hobbies, duties and stress is more complex and subtle than that, they will sometimes work against each other, sometimes they will help each other, and sometimes each must be given a certain amount due, and sometimes some must be pushed to the background)

And it is worth coming back to the minimum reasons for me to write, in addition to my girls, there is a certain feeling of sacred duty to God. I often think of the story of the king who gave his servants different sums of money to invest, God has given me some talents of creativeness and some tendency toward writing, and so I ought to use it if I can, and share it if I can. God has given me other blessings more precious to me in the form of my family, and that sacred duty comes first. But if the clouds of my anxiety and the mysterious inner workings of my mind align just right, so that writing is possible without the neglect of family, then I ought take the chance, and I think that it is God's will for me to do so.

More could be written about this, but time conspires against me here. I do have other duties related to my family life (to be less vague, I have to do my job), while I have taken time away from that to write this, in some ways writing has cleared my mind more to help me tackle those duties. If I used that as an excuse to spend all my time away from my work, it would be counter-productive, and so I must set a limit and come to an end. (Although the story never ends...)

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Friday, December 30, 2011

And a goodbye to India for this year

And so my India trip comes to an end. Doom, doom, doom!

As I remarked on Twitter (I really should make fewer purely personal posts on Twitter, they tend to be well, a little lame, or at least irrelevant to those who dwell on Twitter, least by my calculus of interest, but it is hard to resist the temptation, I could elaborate on this quite a bit, but I don't feel like it), my trip to India is coming to an end, and it was less than I may have hoped for, but well more than good enough.

That's life most of the time. It's a fact that's not often appreciated enough, at least I don't (see this is what the personal Twitter posts lack, a meandering introspective rant loosely connected to personal events). I can cite opportunities missed, imperfect aspects of my life, but all and all I have it pretty good, and things could very well be otherwise.

I have good friends, good family, and a good God who loves me, that's a pretty good life.

But even though this makes discontent unnecessary, discontent is not necessarily a bad thing. I can do better, I can do more, and I think I ought to, I think... although I am not sure of this, I think God has more planned for me, that is, I think God has plans to make me a better me which would do good stuff in His name, etc., etc., etc.

Now that I've gone well past sentimental, let me continue. My stated goal for my trip in India was to spend time with my grandmother (my Umachi - people have told me that Umachi should be spelled with an "A" in front, but I prefer the "U" and I'm contrarian that way), visit family, relax, write some, work on a family tree website, other stuff, and ultimately spiritual renewal.

Spiritual renewal... I feel a little closer to God, I suppose I feel I am more energized and determined to do God's work (that sounds more grandiouse than it is, and while I do enjoy dabbling in the grandiouse, I feel anything done keeping the service of God in mind, I have and will elaborate on this elsewhere). But do I feel that full sense of spiritual renewal that I've felt during other trips to India. No, not really. Ultimately this is my fault, I did not take enough opportunity to pray or read the Bible. That is something I need to correct in my life.

Writing... I did a little, not very much though. Again, not as much as in other trips. It's not so much writer's block as... sloth? Maybe, maybe a fear of writing (I'll go into this elsewhere) coupled with an inadequate sense of purpose and drive.

I did get some of my to-do list done. I worked on some websites I wanted to work on, sent some emails that I wanted to send, talked to people more than I have been lately. So overall I built up a little more momentum in my life toward doing the things I want to do. And I did spend a lot of time with my grandmother and with my family, and even though I often did not understand the language of my family members, I tried to treat them with love. In deepening my love of family, in that aspect, I did achieve a degree of spiritual renewal, for I believe God dewells in love (I say that in the poetic sense, the theological dimensions of this, I'll leave to St. Paul). Perhaps it's best I didn't go into overdrive and go deeply into a dozen different projects. Doing so has not served me well in the past, over-commitment has usually been prelude to the fall, perhaps because I commit the sin of pride in imagining I can do everything, often not trusting God to take care of the world, instead trying to grapple with it on my shoulders.

So a good trip, not a perfect one, but a very good trip.

But there was a question hanging over it, one which I must grapple with. When am I going to get married? But that is perhaps better left for a different post.

By the way, Mery Christmas and Happy New Year! (I link here to a rendition of "Auld Lang Syne" (By the way, this video seems to repeat the song, and although it's a terrific performance and the video itself has a bunch of factoids about the song, you may want to cut out after the first 4 min or so) - which is apparently based on a poem by Robert Burns which can be found here - http://www.carols.org.uk/auld_lang_syne_burns.htm).

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Friday, December 16, 2011

This is your brain on sleep

Stupid sleep and me not writing with the stuff and the lack of sleep!

Doom I say Doom!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Flying

Flying, flying, flying
Got to keep on flying
Fly some more
Fly some more
Fly some more, rawhide!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

And what lies beyond the random in the heart of Rand

I find myself in an odd funk.

The essentials of my life are satisfactory - job, family, friends (though I admit I do not treat my friends as well as I ought). The extremities of my life - romance, projects, creativity - here - here is the problem.

I suppose I could take it as simply a classic case of You can't always get what you want, and in this case it does seem if I try I can find I get what I need.

But what is a human being, if he only seeks what he needs? And should not my reach exceed my grasp?

Which leaves me with two dilemmas boiling in my mind.

How should I feel about this?

I've often wondered to what extent does dissatisfaction serve as a driver. To what extend does it serve to aggravate the infirmities of my mind? To what degree does it cause me to use unnecessarily long words? Also, doom.

Essentially, is discontent needed for change or is it merely an irritant to the soul?

Answer, I dunno, stuff and such. Maybe a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B, or maybe rather if other things were more aligned in my mind, discontent would be unnecessary. All and all, I'm leaning toward no-ish (that is unnecessary-ish).

And then we come to question number two. And this is I think a more common conflict than I give myself credit for, how to translate the ideas and desires of the mind to action?

How can the willing spirit overcome the weak flesh?

To be honest, some people have the issue to a greater degree, some to a lesser, and as for me... I have traditionally not done well in this regard.

So the answer is, err... I really don't know. Stuff and more such. Also, doom. What I can say, at least until I come up with a better answer, is that overcoming the combination of sloth, fear, inertia and anxiety that prevents me from doing what I want, that sort of triumph, becomes easier the more you achieve it. And so I will try to make small wins, and let them build on each other, till the big wins become easier, or at least let the small wins do some good in themselves.

That being said, I really, really, would like a short-cut in this regard.

But in the end, this too belongs to God, and to God's hands I must trust my fate. I must trust in the plans the Lord has for me even if I cannot see them now. For in the end, God knows the best path far better than I.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight folks!

And God Bless.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The waiting is the hardest part

If I am honest with myself, I have confidence that I will eventually become who I ought to be. After all, if God is with me who can stand against me? Can even I stand against me? (Maybe with some trick mirrors...)
I have a uncertain belief in a certain general idea of what shape that person should be. Someone who writes regularly. A husband. A father. In time...
But while this may be childish, and perhaps sacrilegious, I can't help but feel some frustration that I am not there yet. I realize this semi-destiny/fulfillment is something given through experience and time, but still the waiting...
As the man said, the waiting is the hardest part

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks! Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Christ has risen

He has risen, indeed.