Tuesday, January 30, 2007

SNAFU-Situation Normal, All Fucked Up

Supposedly that's what snafu meant back when it originated in the army. Nice little abbreviation. That might just summarize how I'm feeling right now, not just fucked up, but so fucked up that it feels like that is the normal situation. That is of course an exaggeration, but when I'm feeling down the lines between exaggeration and reality become blurred. Right now is pretty horrible though.

I'm at a low point, probably at the start of a breakdown, though at this point I'm not sure whether it's major or minor. I'm not going outside much, in fact just once today, and that was simply to get food. Food is actually an interesting subject in my mind right now, for most of the day I had myself convinced not to eat, finally I got myself going to the dining hall, but I also then convinced myself to gorge on tons of unhealthy food. Overall though, even if that gorging is bad for my health in the long term, it is in the end better than not eating, especially when I'm in such a low point mood-wise. Not eating while depressed is tempting but a bad idea since it will deprive you of the energy needed to fight off the depressive impulses. And I really do need that energy now. I really need to snap out of this mood. I skipped 3 classes today, including two with homework, I'm not sure if I will attend class tommorow, I haven't showered, I haven't brushed my teeth, I skipped my club meetings, I am like I said several times before in bad shape.

But I hold to this truth, you cannot give up when faced with depression. I'm a man who believes in right and wrong, and giving up to depression is wrong, and I will not do that. Especially since giving up to depression can lead to suicide and perhaps even the slow decay of the soul. It's just not right. Perhaps it's just my Christian faith, perhaps it's just my love of humanity, but I am determined not to die because of my mental disease.

I'm not quite at that point yet, but I'm somewhat bordering it. Like I said, I'm near a breakdown, and I've had an increase in stray thoughts of self-harm and suicide, I haven't sunk into a spiral of self-hatred yet, but I'm worried about my condition and yet am consumed by feelings of helplessness and fear. Things are not good, but hey, they haven't been good before, and I've pulled myself out. I am after all the mighty and glorious Rand, so don't worry about me. I'm stronger than my disease, and this too will pass. So put on a happy face. Anyways that's about all for now. Take it your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight folks!

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