I suppose I do. Maybe. I tend to exaggerate my loneliness. Boo hoo, nobody invites me to their parties, etc. But I do have a good deal of loneliness. Just now something brought it up, so I'm not sure I'm in a good position to write about it objectively, but hey, the rants that compose these sessions were never promised as objective (well, some of them might be). But this does not bear a promise of objectivity (and any promise of objectivity that may come up is void in Tennesse (Simpson joke, watch the old episodes, watch them!!!)). Anyways, the event (and I want to be careful not to mention names or any personal details tht might hint at the identity of the people involved, because honestly, that seems kind of jerkish to me) was that I noticed that a friend of mine went on a trip without telling me. I thought we were decently close and so I would be told about it. But really, thinking upon it closer I realize we aren't that close, and that makes me sad. Maybe she did actually tell me and I didn't remember, which again would imply we weren't that close.
This is a lot to make of a little issue really, but the point is that it demonstrates something bigger. Not too big though, but bigger, maybe like medium big, like a 1/2 pound burger. Or maybe a little bit bigger than that, maybe it's in full pound burger range. It comes down to the fact that I have few strong social relations. I have a couple close friends with whom I have maintained contact with over the years, only two or three really, but even with them, it's more of IM chatting than weekly or even necessarily monthly meetings. That bothers me. I mean, I have a wider range of pretty good friends and aquaintences with whom I'm on good terms, but overall my social contact isn't that great. And I have no girlfriend and honestly, I haven't ever been on a real date, so on that front I have loneliness going on as well. It sucks to be lonely.
But what perhaps worries me more is the fact that it doesn't suck that much. In high school I had constant contact with my friens, even if it was only in the hallways and classes, but in college that isn't necessarily so (although I have a good roommate and at least have social contact with him). What I've been finding (and what I've found in the summers when I didn't have such contact), is that while I want to be social, and I want to have friends that I meet with regularly, I don't really need that. I can exist just doing work, reading, writing hopefully as well (although there have been long stretches with little of that), watching tv, etc. Without writing, going to the library, watching good movies and tv, etc. I might be disatisfied with my life, but if say I did all that and maybe submitted some stuff to publication, I'll be pretty happy, even if I am completely isolated, and that scares the hell out of me.
Because I want to around people, I love people abstractly, but I also love being around people, talking to people, helping people, etc. I'm not sure I've really conveyed that in this blog but now you know (though perhaps now you know too much, prepare to die, bwah, ha, ha, ha). But I don't need people, and honestly, I think just social contact isn't enough to satisfy my life alone, at least in the long term.
I am overemphasizing my isolation probably. I have my family, I have a few great friends, and many people I'm good with talking too. I'm asocial, but not anti-social. Still, asociality bothers me, but actually not that much. It makes me sad, and when depressed, it makes me very sad, but I can be ok with it. I am feeling empty, emotionless, motivationless now, and part of that is probably that my social contacts can't generate enough motivation to give me satisfaction in life. I suppose the social contact of a girlfriend or if I had a dependent might be enough but other than that, I'm going to need something else. I love people, but they aren't enough for me. Well, no that isn't true, my goals in life give me satisfaction because they help people, as well as for other reasons, but just social contact with people isn't enough. And that bothers me, but not that much. Well, it perhaps bothers me now more than other times, because looking at my life I can find little else of meaning than my few, but strong, social relationships.
But I guess that's just something I need to deal with. We all have our problems, and this is mine, not too huge, but not insignificant, that's life for you, well not for you, that's life for me. That's enough for this session.
So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
5 months ago