Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I have decided to start out my sessions with music references as the default, although it's not a hard and fast rule. It gives me a lot of opportunities for cool names and I can claim it is a homage to that awesome and legendary anime series Cowboy Bebop. I had a big beginning going, but my browser crashed and I lost it and I'm somewhat less than intrested in restarting it. Let me give you the gist of it. Last blog less than satisfactory. Don't just list random events, investigate issues in random events.

That said let's move on to random events. Oh and I'll try to include more sessions over all (desire multi-daily, daily would be satisfactory), and I'll try to bring in the philosophy as well (and the funk, can't forget that funk).

Ok, again, back to the random events. One random event is my bad mood. Bad mood is quite lame as a phrase so how about tulmultous temperment. It is sort of an event since it is not say the constant depression rather it is a sudden down spell. And what caused this downspell. Let's analyzed. I woke up, that sucked. Well, waking up itself doesn't suck, it's what you wake up to. I woke up to tiredness and a distaste for my classes. Don't get me wrong I like learning, but going to class, eh, it's not great, especially when it's your main profession. I remember when I was working at camp, how much like high school it felt. College still feels like that too. I guess life sometimes treats you like that. Sometimes. There are good classes. I mean, there are classes which are really interesting, ones I'm not really sure on right now due to my not knowing my professors and not knowing really which classes I'm taking, but honestly, that's work too. It's interesting work, but it's work. Then is there fun to be had in college classes. I could say my writing workshop class is fun (although sometimes when I feel like a talentless slob, it makes me absolutely miserable just thinking about going to writing workshop).

Maybe it's just that, maybe that's why it's so hard to get up in the morning, but maybe it's something more. Each day is a choice, do I do anything or just go back to sleep and sleep until I cannot sleep any more. And when I wake in my dorm room there's no one to force me to choose the former and not the later. Granted, I always wanted that freedom, but there are prices to be paid for freedom and this is part of the price. When no one's forcing you to work, you have to summon up the motivation. And that's never been my strong suit. I mean I can tell you logical reasons why I should be motivated, I can give you a spiritual lecture, or I can appeal to your feelings, but getting up I can't fully convince myself that activity, any activity is worthwhile, always a part of me doubts that. Part of it is my life isn't particularly satisfying. I enjoy learning, and if I'm hanging out with my friends (an irregular activity that can happen once every week or so, or once every month or so) that's great, but that's not a satisfying life, at least not for me. I want to feel that I'm producing and creating something or else that I am changing the world somehow. I want to feel like I'm making an impact or else that I am writing something great. Or if we want to look down the road I want to feel that I can give a love to someone, a love only I can give (ie as a husband or parent or as part of a critical friendship). Even if I'm on the way to those goals that's fine. I guess what I'm saying is I want to be pursuing my dreams, and maybe if I was doing that it wouldn't be so hard to wake up in the morning.

But is that true? Or is that just a romance that will not leave my head? I wake pretty easily when I'm at my house, usually, though if I'm tired less so. And there I don't necessarily feel like I'm pursuing my dreams, in fact I feel like I'm stuck in the past. But I guess I also feel that I'm a vital part of the family, I guess, for all my doubts I do have some sense of belonging to my family, at least my immediate family. But is it enough? No, not really, I can wake up, I can do things, but there are so many moments when a restlessness comes to me, when an apathy comes to me, when a sense that I'm not doing anything comes to me and I want to leave so badly that my arms and legs began to tingle. When I'm at home, or even when I'm with my very close friends, I'm not really an outsider, but I'm not really an insider either, I can feel a sense of belonging, of being home, but it fades in and out, and I don't feel enough belonging. I like it at home, but I don't like enough to stay. I need to start chasing my dreams. I need to start pushing myself on this. But to push yourself, you need the will, and the will is hard to come by.

I pray for willpower, and I do think God listens. But still, I don't think God would completely change who I am, and I am inherintly a person who has willpower issues, but I can overcome them with God's help. Some of the readers might be uncomfortable with God talk, perhaps, but hey, I'm a religous person and if this is to be my venture I don't want to hide that. Maybe I don't want to hit people over the head with it, but it's part of who I am, and it's something I believe, so, well, so that's that really.

I'll try to get in another session before the day is out, especially since at college I sleep very little and the night can become very long, but for now, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember, Rand rocks.

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