Friday, January 5, 2007

This time with a little feeling

Well, I have to say I'm disappointed with my progress with this blog. I intended this to be updated multi-daily, but instead I have completely missed two days. A variety of factors contributed to this state of affairs. First of all, I have been somewhat busy, at least yesterday I was. Secondly, my productive drive has been waning as I have been coming off of my post-breakdown high. Finally, I have dubbed this as a productive venture so my mind has started to sabatoge it, contributing feelings and thoughts to disuade me from working on this. This is fucking annoying really. I think only a curse word really expresses the fullness of my frustration with my anti-productive drive. I wish I knew something more creative than the often overused work fuck, but I don't, having led a relatively sheltered life.

At times like these I take stock of my current life, usually from a depressed point of view which automatically concludes, no matter what I'm actually doing, that I'm not really accomplishing anything. But if I force myself to take a more objective view (but can we ever escape bias, still we can try, and that effort is worth taking if we wish to truly understand the world, as long as we admit to ourselves the its imperfections), I find I have a decidely mixed picture. I have started to reach out to friends, trying to renew social contacts. I have checked in with three friends who I have not talked two in a while. I have at least tried to arrange meetings with two friends and have successfully arranged meetings with two-three friends, which I must say is the best success in my social contact efforts since winter break started. However, that said, I have continued to dangerously delay my efforts in regards to my graduate school of education application, and I have taken little effort to improve my fictional prose or poetry efforts or start submitting the work. I have started a diary of sorts which has allowed me to write reguarly and get my feelings out and forced me to think about my feelings more, however, my mind has been sabatoging that too sending thoughts and feelings to block me from writing in that. Of course, perhaps I'm blaming my mental disorders too much for my current lack of effort on my diary and on my blog, I have also been lazy of late. I have noted my problems on my blog efforts but I think it is definitely a positive step that I have started a blog since it is an opportunity for public writing.

In another positive step I have told my parents about my recent breakdown and have gotten a new psycologist with whom I can meet regurally, unlike my previous psycologist whose semi-retired status prevented that. However, I'm not sure if we can afford the guy so it is questionable whether I will keep him. He's an interesting man, analytical (of course, as he's pointed out my impression of this might be because he's just asking diagnostic questions, on the other hand he has stated his belief that he wants to find the root causes of my problems himself instead of relying on my psychiatrist's recommendations (this also means he might be able to reduce my need for medication, which I would love, especially since I have in light of my recent break down increased)), he's colder than most of my other psycologists though, which may impede normal therapy sessions, he comes from a court psycology background, which is just cool, he doesn't give out the self-satisfied vibe, which I dunno, it might suggest that he has himself problems that might taint his recommendations, on the other hand it might simply be the result of a different outlook on life than most of my other psycologists, perhaps one similiar to mine which views discontent not as necessarily bad if it is constructive. However, this is a highly preliminary view and shouldn't be taken as fact. If my psycologist actually views this I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression that these views are solidified actual judgements, they're just feelings I get which unfortunately I must act upon in the decision of whether to keep this guy or not. I believe that solidified actual judgements are not something we should have because who are we to judge the inner most workings of another human being, as the Bible says, judgement belongs to the Lord, unfortunately decisions must be made regarding other persons and so we must make guesses.

Let me finish up with this self inventory. I've started listening to more music, I haven't picked up too many more new books since I finished The Infinity War, nor have I tried more new shows, rather I'm rewatching the Christmas DVDs, I'm talking more, but I thinking I'm talking to much, sometimes cutting off people, and I feel I'm dangerously close to revealing actual information about family members which they might not like to be revealed. I've already shared more information about myself than some in my family might like (that statement in itself might be unfairly revealing, but I'm willing to take that risk) but that's my life and ultimately my decision. Besides, I'm using a false identity which can hide this info from any who could really use it against me (at least the current amateur investigators among my employers who I'll be dealing with in the near future). Last point, because I'm getting tired of talking about my problems, I've also gone to a job fair and explored new jobs (insurance underwriter sounds interesting, though it might force me to make rather devestating decisions about other people which might be painful, but hey no pain no gain), still I've find nothing which I really want.

Let's get off my problems and my feelings, because hey, I spent too many years being a whiney bastard and I don't want to sink back into that. Here's a little fact about introspection, you do it too much and you just end up wallowing in self-pity or self-satisfaction and end up lost within your head. My psycologist suspects that's a symptom of my disease, perhaps I don't know but it's something I got to work on. This blog is nice because it allows me to turn this painful abundance of thinking into something that I can contribute to the world, even if it is perhaps a little crappy (the way it's shaping up I think it's not bad, but I haven't done a real assessment of it and neither has anyone else). Sometime or other I should put my essay (not yet written) on crap on here. I'm undecided exactly how much of my real writing and whether I should link this to my website. It's somewhat risky if I do a two-way link, because that would allow someone googling my name (if he actually found my website (but if he searches my website source he might find it)) to link that with this identity and then with all my problems which I've begun to catalogue here (although he might get a sense of my profound weirdness from my website alone). A one-way weblink might be safer, but if this site does somehow gain popularity among my non-friends it might be risky to give random people access to my real identity who were just interested in Rand, but heck, I always thought fame and more importantly the power it would bring (fame=influence=power and I've got to say, my soul hungers for power) would be ncie, and even if the amount of non-friends who see this are small in number, it would give me a little bit of fame. So sure, I'll hook this up with my other website, although right now I don't really know how. I'm actually not a tech-genius as some of my friends assume and as I may have implied to my prospective job employers at the job fair (it's not a real lie since I do have some programming skills and I usually am able to learn what I need to solve tech problems even if it is just a rough, non-technical solution, and I never really claimed to be a tech genius just said I have a computer science background, which is true, I say this to convince me as much as whoever might be reading this since it does prod a little, just a little guilt). But anyway as I stated, I usually am able to find out what I need to and so I will. But until then if you want to visit my website it is . As you can see Rand is an old alterego, but my real identity is peppered around there. I think that's enough for this session. Take it to heart, to the head, and hopefully remember, Rand rocks. (maybe that's the ending I'm looking for, it's not quite perfect, but it has the potential to grow on me.)

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