Sunday, January 7, 2007

A man, a plan, a canal

Panama! I couldn't really figure out a good way to start out this session so I thought I'd start out with a non sequitor. It's not a perfect solution (which as a perfectionist bugs me), but it allows me to begin writing and that's the important thing. Perhaps it was the lack of such a start which made me unable do a session yesterday (I'm going to call these entries sessions, largely because it sounds good and I can also call it an homage to Cowboy Bebop). I did attempt to write one of these yesterday, but what I was writing seemed so completely awful that I had to scrap it. Today I think I can do better however, so here I am.

The topic yesterday was going to be how I'm having enormous amounts of trouble writing a personal statement for my graduate school of education application. I'm actually working on that right now (this is in some ways a procrastination, but it is a productive one so I can excuse it). It's only 500 words, so it's not something that logically I should have trouble on. I'm not saying I write reams and reams of text regularly, but I'm fairly capable of pumping out a 5-page essay, so 500 words should be easy. But it isn't. Why? Probably the same reason I have trouble with most assignments, I'm having trouble finding a beginning. I did write one beginning, but I found it so mind-bendingly grandiouse that I probably can't use it. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this. The angle I've been working on is teaching shapes the children shapes the world, but that stuff leads to the gradiousity which I've been having trouble with. A graduate school is unlikely to what a meglo-maniac. So I'm a little stumped.

I suppose this is partly because I'm uncertain myself why I want to become a teacher and if I actually do want to become a teacher. My mind is darting back and forth between hating and loving the prospect. Well, rarely do I out and out love the prospect, but sometimes I at least embrace it. Other times I view it like the plague, if I even get close to it I will catch the disease and die with pus bursting from each inch of my skin (nice little image there). I like teaching people about stuff, sort of, I suppose, I like talking about stuff I'm interested in, and I feel a near-compulsion to be through about it. I'm not sure. When you know exactly how you feel about something you can weigh the positives and the negatives and come out with a nice tidy little answer. But when you're not sure about things, decisions become difficult and unclear. Such is my dilemma.

The logical course of action now is to write this personal statement, send out the application, then maybe due some volunteering or a part time job involving something teaching related and explore diffrent options through classes and extracirculars, and then make a decision only in September when I really need to. However, I'm finding myself struggling to find the motivation to complete this application. I have to logically push myself without an emotional impetus, and unfortunately, the logical side of me isn't the most creative side, at least word-wise (math-wise it can be very creative). I dunno, maybe I'm overblowing this and wallowing in self-pity, I have a nasty habit of doing that, but what I can say is I'm having trouble doing this application and it is leaving me annoyed and frustrated. But it can't hurt (well it does require the straining effort to complete the application, but it can't hurt long term), and it can help, so I should do this application, I guess. Wish me luck. (I'm inclined to let this session end with that command, it's a fine note to end on even if it's not good for a regular ender.)

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