I'd rather not start on a bad note because even if I am feeling rather crappy today, and let me be clear that I am feeling rather crappy today, it's better not to wallow in it, but rather to defy it, which makes me wonder why I decided to make clear that I was feeling crappy today, oh t'well.
Anyhow, on that note, let me relate this, I was originally going to title this session is Fucking A' (note that I'm using Fucking as an adjective, not as a verb, or as a gerund (as in an A' that is doing some fuking), and while A' here does refer to ass, it is ass in a figurative sense, and not to an a person in particular but to a general situation). This refers to my general frustration with life at the moment. But then, something must be considered. Is my frustration something that simply can be ignored or does it have a cause that must be dealt with.
Classically in TV and literature for that matter, if someone felt often a frustration and uneasiness with life they'd conclude that something was missing in their life. But I can't say that's the case for me, at least necessarily. Dissatisfaction is a natural part of depression and it craves ultimately self-destruction. And that's something I can't give it. And if these impulses exist within me, and I refuse them, well, then there will always be that restlessness within me. And I will have to live with it. And sometimes, when events or circumstances trigger it, or perhaps simply when my cycle of highs and lows hits a low, the feelings will intensify. Medication might help these problems, therapy might help, but barring a miracle (always a possibility), I find it unlikely that these feelings will go away. Thus if I conclude something is missing every time I feel dissatisfied, I will be endlessly searching for that something, and while I am searching, all my life will pass me by, and it will be a pass by full of dissatisfaction from unfulfilled searching for that matter.
I suppose this isn't necessarily something confined to the depressed or mentally ill. Dennis Leary once said something along the lines that happiness isn't a default state, it's just small moments. And I have heard similar sentiments expressed in songs. And yet, I have met people who seem naturally happy. I suppose it's just a degree of natural dissatisfaction, whether its a matter of biology (perhaps a stand-alone issue or related to other matters as in my case) or a matter of experience, is within the normal variation of people even without disorders. As is natural happiness. Some of us have an easier load, and some have a harder one, I try not to rank mine too precisely, but I'd say it's harder than most, at least most in this country, but easier than many.
On the other hand, even if it is painful and frustrating, a natural dissatisfaction does have its advantages. It prevents becoming complacent and lazy, it forces people forward, even if it sometimes leaves them forever running forward without a reason without a stop. I don't mind moving forward, but I'd like a reason, and I'd like a stop sometimes. So things must be managed.
Of course, it could be the dissatisfaction is perfectly legitimate and has roots in a real emotional issue that I have been avoiding. It's hard to tell. With false signals running through the head, it's hard to grip on the true warnings. But I am awesome and I am Rand so it's all good in the 'hood.
So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
5 months ago