There's a reason Rand has only one arm

Actually I have two arms, but I always wanted someone to say that about me. One arm is a nice distinguishing mark, aside from the whole being a large disability thing. It suggests suffering, but the fact that the rest of the body is okay suggests strength. It would also be a nice way to segway into the fact that I have mental/emotional problems without making me seem weak.

Ah, but that's just my constant desire for a slightly scarier appearance. For a while I was growing out a beard too for the purpose, but eventually there was a job fair, and while I wanted to look scary, I also wanted a job (unfortunately this resulted in one of my most annoying occasions of shaving since the thickness of the beard meant I had to run over the same area 4 or 5 times). Eh sara, sara.

I guess it all comes down to me wanting to rule the world, or something like that. I just always envisioned myself as someone dynamic, dashing and bold. A leader of men and a challenger of the powerful. And yet instead I find myself moderate to low in those regards. People don't disrespect me, but my opinion carries little extra weight. This is not to say I'm not popular. Rather it just means I'm funny.

I'm a funny guy (for example, right now I'm in a full on clown costume, or not, you just had to press me on that point didn't you, didn't you! Well, I'm sorry, we can't all be wearing clown costumes, Phil!). I find it easier to write funny stories than serious stories. I find it more natural to tell jokes than win arguments. Instead of charming girls, I make them laugh. Instead of charisma, I have humor. But I always wanted the other way around.

That's not to say I didn't want to be not funny, I just wanted to be well, not that funny. Maybe capable of telling a well-crafted funny story (most of my funniness isn't well crafted in the way I would have wanted it, it is usually obviously bad jokes that wink at themselves and overly outrageous jokes that bend reality more than exploit humorous skill) every now and then, but usually I wanted to be a man of action and stirring speeches. But that's not the way it ended up.

It's not so bad really, but it's annoying sometimes. I wrote a session a while back dealing with this in a more indirect way by comparing my dilemma with that of a cute girl (see if you can guess who it is Howard, it's not the girl I recently had a crush on, but it is a mutual acquaintance But then again, when I shed my preconceptions and prejudices about what I want to be, I find I really enjoy being the funny guy. I love to make people smile. That's just golden.

Maybe this means I'm sad sometimes pondering my lack of gravitas. Maybe it means that I need to work extra hard to be taken seriously when I have something serious I want to do. Maybe so. But I like people, and I like to make people happy. And while I would prefer it if my serious actions were the ones that made people happy, if it's my humor, well, if I can get that smile, that's just golden.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!