My deepest apologies for my highly irregular posting schedule lately, I have been deeply considering my various plans for various things and various matters indeed. Plus there are matters of sickness and depression and busy-ness and etc., etc., indeed. But that is a matter of that and matter is matter except when it matters.
If I seem a bit strange of tongue today it is likley because I am beat, highly beat in fact, extra-special highly beat (actually not really that beat). The event which has drained my energy was a 5-hour drive today that should have taken 1 hour and ended at WRAT rock radio station. Instead I drove around and around and got well near Delaware before the radio station texted me and told me that I should just go home. So I'm pretty damn annoyed. And beat. Beatity beat beat.
Now, however, if I think about it rather more deeply however, I wonder why I am so displeased with this turn of events. I generally like driving, but driving this much is often exhausting and well boring, especially along roads that often look very similiar. But work at the station is often tedious and hard work, and probably would have taken longer time than my long driving trip. It is very well possible that I would have to do more annoying work (say emptying out a van or something) at the WRAT than I would just driving. And yet driving aimlessly was so much more irritating that a day of work at the WRAT, even a bad day of work at the WRAT (well no, a bad day would be more annoying, but a tedious day, one which was more tedious than driving, would still be better if it was working).
The reason for this I think, is the same reason that working at the day camp last summer was more annoying than my duties at the WRAT, despite the fact that task per task most of the work was easier. When I work at the WRAT I get a sense that I am building an institution that I like a good deal. I like the WRAT. It plays good music, it has good atmosphere, it is a fun place with good people. So even if the jobs are sometimes fun or unpleasant I get a joy from working there.
I'm not sure if I could get that sort of enjoyment from say a label-making company. I didn't really have that much attatchment to the day camp, and so it was more annoying, and a random faceless coporation would give me a lot less emotional connect than the day camp. I mean it would depend on my tastes matching the company (I could see how other people could get emotionally attatched to that day camp, but there my tastes did not match the corporation). I wonder how my life will be if I can't make a living as journalist I'll probably need to take a corporate job, I just hope it's at a corporation I like rather than one I don't like.
But even if I don't like the corporation, that is not the end of me. There are countless stories of people being drained of their lives by working at jobs they hate, and it is very possible (though overall not likely) that I could take a job that I hate. But I still can write in my private time, I still can hang around with my friends, I can still strive to become a writer. Even with a tasteless job, I need not lose the taste of my life. I need not lose my soul, if I simply refuse. And I can always refuse to die, at least in the part of myself that is most important.
6 months ago