Now for something a little different.
That's actually not something very different from my regular persona, but I said something a little different not very different. But moving on from that, I find myself wondering how exactly to start my intended topic without sounding monumentally whiny. Perhaps my difficulty in doing so is a warning that I should not attempt it since perhaps the topic is inherently whiny and so perhaps I should go with something else. But the medium of webpost (my replacement word for blog, because blog is such an ugly, ugly word) is by its nature a hit or miss forum, it is designed for the easy expression of thoughts and emotions, not all thoughts and emotions, even those that might appear useful might not actually be useful. But if I am too cautious, I can not maintain a steady flow of posts and the webpost will transform into nothing but a collection of rough, unpolished essays and not very many of them. The frequent schedule of the webpost has been vital in keeping me writing and I'd very much dislike to end that, and so I press on into the unknown or the known whichever.
Anyways, a thought which has occurred to me lately, often, is I don't take good care of my body. I eat badly, don't exercise enough, drink too much caffine, are careless about germs, I don't brush at night (I do do so during the day, mostly), I don't sleep much and I eat at odd times. Now much of this can be explained rationally. I eat badly much of the time because I like good food over healthy food. I am also supremely lazy and extremely casual, and this does not lend itself to the formal habits of taking care of myself well. But I think sometimes it's more than a matter of that. Take my brushing habit for example. Now brushing is a small thing and honestly while I might forget about it every now and then if it was just a matter of laziness I would still brush most of the time. But rather when I even think of brushing my teeth at night I freeze up. I get filled with anxiety. It suddenly occurs to me that if I try to brush now I'll be committing myself to brush in the future. Moreover it seems almost as a commitment to self improvement. And then as I face this anxiety I face the continuing self doubt about my ability to conquer my anxiety. And then there is a feeling within me that hates any idea of self improvement and seeks any chance for me to harm myself (the slow decay of my teeth being one of those opportunities)
When I'm depressed the fullness of this becomes apparent. I stop brushing, I stop bathing, I stop eating except when I force myself (often I trick myself by pretending that I'm eating food just to give in to my base appetite) and even then I eat mostly food that's very bad for me.
I suppose what it comes down to is I need to put caring for my body as one of the things I need to force myself to do when I'm depressed, just like going to school and work. After all, I have many things to do in the world before I die.
But it is an open question as to how much of a degree of taking care of my body I want to engage in. My basic plan now is enough to stay healthy (I'm not really doing that right now because I've been pushing off my lyme disease testing for way to long), and enough to be comfortable with myself. But I suppose I should add to that enough to attract a girl.
Because like I said before, most men in the world keep their appearances up just to attract women, and those that don't are mostly arrogant or gay. Mostly.
Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
6 months ago