Sunday, July 29, 2007

I too must be left behind

So a while ago, I dealt in a long session about my feelings about a girl who caused my second heartbreak (I use that word to simplify an annoyingly complex situation). But I've overall gotten over it, except I wish, I wish we could still be friends (I also still have some feelings of guilt over the way the relationship ended and until just a bit ago I had some fear that since she had had some depression problems that she was dead). I really liked this girl and to have no contact with her seems just sad. Well, let me take a step back from present time to a couple years ago when I had some stronger lingering feelings, I saw her name on Facebook. Given that she had cut off contact with me and that I had attempted several unsuccessful times to contact her immediately after that (phone calls, emails, etc.), it probably was a bad choice to send her a message, or maybe it wasn't I'm not really sure. But I had thought that time had passed and perhaps we could become friends even if romance was out of the question.

Soon after that she removed her Facebook account.

Now I see she's started a new one (at another college, though, making me wonder whether I provoked a breakdown in her forcing her to switch colleges, and even though that is a very arrogant and paranoid thought, it still bothers me). This has provoked some deep relief for me because I had feared that her problems had finally gotten to her, but it also raised the question should I try to contact her again. The sensible answer taking into consideration the past is no. But right now, having just seen her Facebook account I find myself filled with sadness, regret, and self-loathing and I almost feel that if I could talk to her all that could go away.

But first of all, given my past try it probably wouldn't bring a reply, it might prompt her to remove her Facebook account (although a less me-centric view of the situation might conclude that for other reasons she left her previous college and that caused her to remove her Facebook account since this was back in the day when Facebook was still for college kids (and not you high school bums, yeah you know who you are BUMMMMMMS!!!!)), it might simply bother her and I don't want to do that. It's unlikely that anything she could say could erase feelings that are have stretched themselves way beyond the rational. While I did some really stupid things when I was trying to get her to be my girlfriend, nothing I did was really that bad, and while it would be nice to have contact with her, not having contact with her isn't the end of the world. Yet it feels like I was a monster to her and it feels like not being able to contact her is the end of the world, and this sucks a great deal, but it's not something rational, and it's not something that could be defeated by getting even a good answer from her (it certainly won't be helped by a bad answer). Instead I simply have to remind myself of the truth, I wasn't that bad, and while I did love her, I have moved on in my life. And though the waves of emotion will crash upon me still, if I keep that in mind, and try to keep living my life and not wallow in depression, eventually this too will fade. A part of me is sad about that, insisting that my feelings for her should never fade and that I should try no matter what to win her over.

But she doesn't love me, and I have accepted that, and even if it makes me sad I have to keep my feelings for her dead and gone, because she, for whatever reasons she had, she had to leave me behind, and now I must do the same.

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