There's a certain emptiness in my mind that I get about this time of the year. It's a kin to but distinct to the emptiness I get at the beginning of summer. I suppose it could just be the cold winter reaching it's peak. But I think, with some more certainty it really is in the end the dread of change approaching. The fall semester is over, and now something new is beginning. What that is for me is a matter of trips.
I'm going to India for two weeks and then to California for two weeks, I think I've said all of that before. What is important is that's a big change, but then again then there's a big change in me going back to the spring semester.
And what does it all mean?
Change is a coming I guess, it's a part of human nature, but it's hard once you invest so much into a certain routine, spend so much time trying to master it, and then it's all gone.
I always dream of change, but then when it comes, I have to admit there's a bit of me that's terrified. Not just of what's beyond that change, although that scares me certainly, but it's my role in that new world. And moreover, my utter unpreparedness for this new world, one I simply can't fathom. Well, of course I can have some good idea of the world I'm plunging into, since I've done trips to India and California before and I've certainly done spring semesters before, but things never end up exactly as you expect them and always end up falling apart on you. And then you piece everything together and then that phase ends, and you're sent on to another one, always on and on and on.
(If you're noticing a British-tinge to my writing for a sec. (I'm not sure if this is or is not the case) it's because I'm watching Doctor Who in the meantime while I'm writing)
It's always hardest at the beginning and then right above the end, and then easy at the very end, but then terrifying as the end actually occurs.
But the potential, the potential you get in the changes, it's amazing.
And so I'm dealing with my life, I'm getting through with the changes, I'm passing beyond the end and then further beyond it to all those good old phases to come.
I wonder although, but I wonder if all this constant changes and new phases (well not really constant more occasionally occurring), if I've learned anything from all of it (well I suppose I've learned everything from the changes in my life), and I wonder if I've learned to deal with these new phases any better.
Perhaps if anything, if anything I've learned lately (I mean over time I've learned stuff, etc. about dealing with problems), I've learned finally perhaps to leave old matters be, allow myself to move on from the old phases without being consumed by the legacies of guilt which make me mess up in the future, sending more guilt and more, infinitely. But I've been trying to learn to put that stuff aside once the guilt is done, and I think I've been getting better at it. I think I've finally learned that when you mess up, once it's done, it's done, and obsessing over it isn't going to help me.
But really, every now and then, I'm feeling a guilt about not feeling guilty, but I suppose then, it's just a matter of remnants. Of course there is some just guilt and I by no means have been cured of guilt and I think, I think I have plenty to be over the top of the just guilt. But I feel like, almost I ought to feel pain when I do something wrong, that I should carry a pain for every mistake that never goes away. But if God can forgive me, than why can't I forgive myself? What good does all that eternal pain do me, especially if it all just serves to make me mess up further and further again and again, infinitely.
Ah, but infinity is a long time.
But then again, I'm Rand the Mighty and Glorious.
And so perhaps, perhaps it is time to let go of the guilt, for there are all those new worlds waiting to be explored and I'd like to be a little light on my feet without the weight of the ages.
6 months ago