Friday, June 1, 2007

It just takes some time, little girl

Right now, things aren't bad, in fact things are pretty good, that scares me on several levels. First level is the whole, I think something catastrophic is going to go wrong feeling. I think this happens to a lot of depressed people, they are used to the whole depressed state of mind that when they get cheered up they feel that it must eventually collapse because happy is such an unusual state of mind for them. Or at least that is the way it is for me. But lately I've had a good way of dealing with my depressive moods, before they get too bad I simply force myself to face the truth that I am ultimately in charge of my brain and that even if I feel that I am too weak to take command of my feelings God can always give me the strength I need to overcome my disease. Also, I've realized that often I give in to my disease as a means of escaping my anxieties, fears and responsibilities, if I've already given up on life I no longer need to struggle against my problems. Realizing that, I simply remind myself that I can deal with my problems and so I don't need to give up. These realizations aren't new, but I've been getting better at utilizing them. So my depressive problems aren't as bad as they used to be, but still every now and then I look at my life and think, well, things are good now, but they've been good before, but then they collapsed, so inevitably they must collapse again. I remind myself that collapse is not really inevitable but the fear remains in the back of my head, but still it's not too bad, but on the other hand that's only one level of my fear about things being good.

Another level of that fear is now that things are good I worry about being complacent or settling into a routine. Some people like routines, like stability, like getting into a good pattern and staying still in a good place. Not me, at least not really. I think perhaps if I found the right place with the right person, maybe I could be satisfied with staying still. But I don't have that, so I'm filled with this need to move, to be active, to be in motion. I feel desperate to create, to advance, to change. Things are good now and I worry that I might just stay still, treading water, until I look around and find all my opportunities have gone away and I'm deeply dissatisfied with my life.

This leads me to a third level of fear. This would be my fear of the challenges attempting to move forward always bring. When things are good, I can take on new challenges like trying to ask girls out and trying to get a better internship. And I'm worried that I'll fail if I try, or even that I'll fail at trying if I try to try. And that fear gets to me and stops me, and delays me from doing important things, but ultimately I still have my faith, I still have my hope, I still have love in my heart and so I can still overcome these things. Things are good, and I think they're going to get better. Afterall I am Rand, the mighty and glorious, and Rand's awesome. So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

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