Friday, February 23, 2007

You're on my mind all of the time, I know that's not enough

When you're in love, your love is always present in your mind, even if it is just in the background. One of the things I loved about being in love is that constant presence, a certain focus of the mind, I never had much focus in my life, and that seemed just amazing. But I don't have that now, and well, that's that. I'm just saying this because I was watching some anime music videos that go along with this song (if you don't recognize the lyrics (I actually forgot that these lyrics were in the song), this is Electrical Storm by U2) and so it has been stuck in my head.

I suppose I should apologize about not having any sessions for the last two days, not really to you guys, but to myself. I want this to be daily at the very least, and I want to have the discipline to maintain that schedule. I'd like to say I was too busy and that's somewhat true, but the more true answer is that I was filled with laziness/anxiety and so I didn't do it. But that doesn't excuse me from responsibility really in any way, shape or form and so I will just have to do better in the future. I have thought of something, however that might make things easier for me with perhaps even a boost in quality. My proudest accomplishment, or at least one of them, is my long poem (which I like to call epic, although a friend of mine pointed out that it doesn't obey most of the epic conventions), and I thought that I would serialize it on my blog on Saturdays and Sundays, giving a few chapters (I'm not sure if I would do a session in addition to this, maybe, maybe not), given that Saturdays and Sundays are usually days that I don't do sessions for various reasons (especially since my family tends to hog the two computers (yes we have two computers, but there are up to 10 people in our house normally on weekends (and these aren't guests), so things are busy), so this might help out with that. I also should probably start working on the poem again. As I envisioned it in high school, the poem would have 5 parts, the first two parts I finished (although I'm not that satisfied with the ending of the second part, and I might have to do some editing to both), and although I got deep into the third at some point I just stopped working on it. There are actually a lot of projects I would like to work on. In addition to several stories which are nearing final quality levels, I'm also thinking of starting a comic, working to improve my webpage, and finally launching the Knights of Mars. But with all these projects, they tend to be thought up but not implemented. Implementation is hard and takes time, and hard and consistent work has never been my forte, but I just have to do it.

I whine a lot about my problems, well maybe not that much, but in the end I just need to face them. I need to work on them and get over them, it's simply a matter of that being that. Well, maybe work on them is a bad phrase, because that puts the focus on my problems. I think that was a mistake I did in high school, I concentrated all my attention on dealing with my problems that I did nothing in the actual world, instead I just created romanticized battles with depression in my head. Yes problems must be dealt with, but they must be dealt with through working to actual do something, because honestly, I don't think my problems will ever go away, and even if my more severe mental problems go away, I'm still left with less severe normal problems, and so if I wait for everything in me to be perfected, I'll find myself waiting for the rest of my life. You want a lesson folks, there it is.

I think also all the attention I give to my problems keeps me in my head too much, probably a better approach would be think more about what I'm doing and the problems of those I care about which will keep me interacting with others (yes I know that this session and several others are dedicated to my problems, but I'm not denying the need for introspection, I'm just saying it shouldn't become an obsession and furthermore, I look at these sessions as work, that's why I take missed days seriously, and that's why I'm proud when I a session comes out well, and finally, I also try to do high concept sessions in addition to more personal ones (like the upcoming serialize long poem (I don't think I mentioned the name, it's called The Battle Upon the Universe)), and also I don't think you're one to judge, because you're a bum, you here me you out there in internet land, yeah I'm talking to you, bum!!!!, bum!!! I'm just messing with you, I love you guys, you know that, but you are bums, but hey so am I). Of course, I can't talk here much about the problems of those I care about except those broad categories of people I care about (such as the people of the world, America, etc.), but I can talk about ideas that exist not only within me but in the world at large as well.

But enough talking about my blog (if anyone can think of a better word than blog for this forum, and I don't want online journal, I will praise them profusely in a later session) and enough talking about my life and enough talking really. This whole session has gotten to a good length and I can't think of a good segway into another topic, so I think I'll end about here for right now. Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

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