Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Season of the Witch

I used this title for another session but it was always intended for this session, for this session I will reveal my connection to a witch. Dun, dun, dun. But seriously folks I thought it might be interesting for you all to take a glimpse into a real mental breakdown of mine that happened last September. I used to have better documentation of it but I lost a lot of my papers last year so I'm only going to be able to put up part of it. Anyways with that build-up I should get to the meat of the matter (this is more the salad of the matter, maybe the appetizer or maybe just a palate-cleansing snack or something of the like).

Pardon the non-polish of this, but it is a historical record more than a publishable poem:

I give up my path to the moon
And I give my self to you
So that you might give me your heart

She was sarcastic, sardonic, dismissive, a little bit punk, a trouble-maker and of course a witch
Still she loved me enough to devout herself to me
I'm not sure if I love her
Or simply want to save her so badly it hurts
But I mourn because of a dream

She appeared first like a little sphere, like a those beads in anime, I think they're from some sort of Buddhist rosary
She was on her way to the moon
And I was standing there, thinking about something, maybe imagining some cows dancing in the sky
And for some reason there she devouted herself to me
And she helped me or saved me during a journey or task of some sort
And when she was done she became a sphere again
And disappeared
For she had given up her soul to stay on Earth
And now it was gone

I think it goes to some monster, the devourer of souls
But there has to be a way to save her

Somewhat strange stuff eh? But you might say, eh I've read stranger poems. But the thing is this isn't a poem, these are the thoughts I recorded one morning after a particularly disturbing dream (use disturbing in the literal sense) and I just naturally sort of formatted into a sort of poetic form as I was jotting them down. Maybe I should provide a little background to clarify.

By little background, I mean a little background. Well, last September some stuff happened which I'm not going to get into which led to the disturbing dream which led to those thoughts above. I can't get into the possible triggers, but let me talk about the dream and elaborate on those thoughts. The dream itself was adventure based. Me and a buddy were going on a quest, on our way a witch fell in love with me, decided to help me in my journey and at the end of the journey she was sent to the realm of Yoggoloth, devourer of souls. The reasoning was, witches apparently were beads of light on Earth who then as they matured travelled to the moon, but this particular witch, whose name, much to my chargin, I can't remember, let's call her M (for some reason it made sense to me then to call her M as a placeholder for her real name), well, M, in love with me for some reason (apparently I was acting particularly goofy and innocent at the time) decided to say something like the following:

I give up my path to the moon
And I give my self to you
So that you might give me your heart

And apparently this meant that she would be a companion on my journey and then give her soul to Yogolloth devourer of souls.

Now with my dreams often they will repeat over the same territory, ironing over some nonsensical points sometimes while adding other nonsensical points and changing plot-lines. Sometimes after all is said and done the repeat only vaguely resembles the original dream (By repeated dreams I mean within the same night, all of this was only during one night). But the dreams repeated and I became more and more focused on saving her. There were some strange varients on this, including one where I think I gave both our souls in exchange for eternal life, but without our souls we became decadent and moralless and eventually I gave her to Yogoloth anyways. Wierd, eh? But that is just the beginning.

The real season of the witch began the next day. When I woke up I was overwelmed by a feeling of intense sorrow and guilt over her loss. This was a dream and yet I was in mourning. Most likely it was related to things that had occured the days before the dream, but like I said I can't go into that, honestly it would be disrespectful to. But I was mourning for this dream and that is when I jotted down the thoughts about the witch in the poetic words above. And it wasn't simply me writing down a dream (although I do do that on occassion), I, or at least part of me, actually believed in her reality. And so the sorrow and guilt became real, as did my determination to save her, and none of this added to my mental stability. The next couple days were going to be rough.

And they were. It didn't help that I had to go back to Rutgers. But I occupied my time jotting down semi-fevered thoughts about the witch and the situation and about what I should do. I wish I still had the notebook with those thoughts but I've been losing notebooks around the campus (if anyone finds them please call (609) 240-6339, they're green-covered Steno-brand small notebooks). I became determined that perhaps the dream was a preminition that she was going to come to Earth because of me and that I had to act to save her soul. I had no idea how to do this, although I considered doing some research into magic. There was a certain air of excitement to this I had to say, a certain sense that finally something strange and magical was entering into my life but it was matched with sorrow, worry and guilt over her soul and its fate with Yogoloth. I perhaps overstate this matter a little because I was not really fully convinced about the reality of this witch, but rather my mind went back and forth over the matter, which honestly perhaps made it more disturbed than if I commited myself one way or the other.

Eventually, I tried thinking of her, searching for clues in the fragments of the dream and perhaps trying to invoke more dreams from wherever the first one came. Other than the preminition theory, I also debated the idea that perhaps this was a record of things that had come to past in an alternate dimension and that she and I had than travelled here to escape from Yogoloth and we were in some way reborn, but the gist of our story, including the death of her soul were doomed to repeat themselves unless I acted. Because of this I hoped if I could somehow access the memories of this alternate dimension maybe I'd understand something more about this. I also tried asking people about lucid dreaming, hoping again for some information, although I never really acted on this idea. This digging in my mind provoked some strange thoughts, and brought my mental turmoil to its peak.

The worst I got in this period was perhaps the second day after the dream. I was trying to get a better picture of her in my mind or perhaps get an idea of what her personality was like, perhaps so I could recognize her if she came into my life. Slowly I started thinking, what would she say now in this situation, and I started imagining it, and then I started imagining my response and then her response until I began to think that perhaps I was now somehow telepathically speaking to her. It was strange because I sort of understood that I was more or less imagining her character, but then again I thought if I could tap into my unconscious I could find her there. What kind of stuff did I here from her you might ask? Well, she told me to stop this, to stop thinking of her, she told me she wasn't real, and she made sometimes sarcastic sort of remarks which sort of fit her personality as I imagined it. She was what I thought of her, deeply concerned about me, but also a sarcstic, intensely cool girl who alternated between hiding her feelings and blurting them out. And so in my head I held dialogues and they continued for perhaps 1/2 a day, perhaps a whole day, and then I took a nap.

My mind was tired and I needed a break from these thoughts, and also I wanted to try to visit her through my dreams. There was a knock on the door (or perhaps on a nearby door) and I awoke. When I awoke the dialogue thoughts were gone, my mind felt strangely at peace. Even when I tried invoking the dialogue thoughts I could not find them. And then I thought perhaps this means she has come, and so I ran over to the door and opened it, to find absolutely nothing. The knock I heard was probably on someone else's door or perhaps an auditory illusion (I've had some of those). The worst was now over, although the whole of the matter was not.

I still was convinced she had come and so I thought I now had to scan the women I met to see if I could find her. What I remembered of her from my dreams was basically a composite of an anime character and a manga character so I suspected I did not know her actual appearance or perhaps she could change appearances. But I also I had to go to class. When I was running to class I saw a white pigeon, I mean pigeons are always white but this was an unusually bright white and next to it was a pretty red haired girl who very well could have been the witch, or so I thought at the time (one of the powers I assumed the witch had was some ability to manipulate animals), but I didn't stop to talk to her. That fact would haunt me for some months until this whole experience ended.

The rest of my time when I was obsessed with the witch idea was marked by small things like that. I would keep an eye out for girls who could be her and try to talk to more women. I kept trying to see the moon because it was when she was travelling to the moon in my dream she saw me and decided to stay on Earth (I pondered whether I should actually avoid the moon because if I did maybe she would actually go to the moon and never lose her soul, although in my imagination I developed the idea that the moon was actually a spiritual wasteland and she would lose her soul there or on Earth, but on Earth I could act to save her). I prayed every day for her. And I felt guilt and sorrow over her. The whole mess probably aggrevated my mental illness, but I kept on with it for about a semester, although like I said my mind would switch back and forth between belief and disbelief. Slowly I became more and more convinced that this idea of the witch was not real, and that it was just my imagination and probably due to the events of September (also I reasoned that if it was real, I would be forced to encounter her sooner or later, since in the dream she sought me out). My last gasp of this idea came at the end of the semester. There was a girl who occassionally I suspected was the witch and so I gathered up the courage to speak to her hoping to settle the matter. And so I did and while she turned out to be a nice young lady, she was far too cheery and easy-going to be the woman from my dreams (I did not explain to her my actual motivations for talking to her since honestly, this is a pretty insane idea). Finally I laid the idea to rest, and I moved on with my life (although I had a full-on mental breakdown a couple days later, it was actually more related to finals than to this matter, but in the process of beating my self down (during my breakdowns typically I will repeat to myself insults and accusations) I used this idea occassionally and probably the mental stress may have left me vunerable to this (although it could also be that without the sense of mission the quest to find the witch gave me I became more vunerable to the breakdown).

Still occassionally I wonder, what is reality? Is it so impossible for my dream to come true? Definitely according to the universe as I understand it now, but what if how I understand the universe now isn't all there is, what if there is more and what if the witch is waiting for me, out there somewhere? But that is just wondering and in the realm of wonder is where the witch will have to dwell, the woman who gave her soul to help me on my journey will have to just be a ghost of a dream. Perhaps someday I will make a story of all of this, but until then this will just be a strange episode of my life, burned in my memory, but no longer an obsession twisting my mind (seriously, I do not want any of my friends or family who read this convinced that this is how I am presently, or even typically thinking, this was an odd-ball freak occurance in my head that has ended and no longer is a problem, seriously, do not read too much into this). Still it is interesting and so I thought I would share my tale of the season of the witch.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

No comments: