I guess this song sort of fits me right now: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded
I'm not really sad, just a bit melancholy. I'm even a little glad, but not hugely, but I'm not apathetic, I'm not numb, I'm just filled with emotions with no direction. There's not even the general tearing of profound ambivalence. I used to think the word sanguine described this sensation, but sanguine refers to a sort of enthusiastic happiness, and that's really absolutely not how I'm feeling.
Of course this gives me an opportunity to define a new word: "half-blooded" let it be called. Filled with sensation, but not happy, not sad, just full and drifting, but not to the extent it endangers me in it of itself. It's a feeling that's just not right. I supposed all and all its bad, but not very bad, it's just... well, I invented a new word for it for a reason (other than the fact I just enjoy making new words).
Actually one danger of this feeling is how easily it slips into a full depressive sense with no motivation and antagonism towards life. But with a little work and a little resistance that can be overcome... hopefully.
Usually in such a situation of such a feeling I'd either think about how to radically change my life or panic. The natural instinct is do nothing, but doing nothing just gets you deeper into this emotional quicksand. And yet...
And yet, for the most part that is what I intend to do. I'm not intending any radical changes to fix my life right now, because things are going to change even if I didn't want them to. Because I'm graduating.
If I change everything now and throw things off balance, a crash is possible and some good degree of distraction from work is almost certain, and I just don't have time for that.
6 classes. 1 month. + some jobage stuff. Just in a little bit, and then all up, all out, and I'm out.
So perhaps I can wait through whatever's keeping me down right now. Whatever configurations in my life I make before grad will be thrown into disarray anyways so...
Well for now I just got to keep on pressing on.
God willing, that'll be enough.
So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
4 months ago