A couple days ago I mentioned feeling half-blooded. I explained the term there, but essentially I've been feeling that way for a week or two while slipping into out-and-out depression occasionally and occasionally into half-excited hopefulness.
And at the core of things, I've been feeling quite lonely.
There's many reasons for this and I've gotten into them before and I'll probably rehash them in a more coherent form soon, but key to this feeling is a sense I don't belong anywhere or with anyone.
But going to mass today, with the sermon, and the profession of faith, and the Eucharist most importantly, reminded me that I belong to the kingdom of God and to God, Himself. It's something essential I need to remember.
Thus while I am far from home, I shall reach it someday, and yet in fact I am always at home, for Jesus is in my soul and He is always with me. No matter what happens, the Lord remains, and He is always with me and thus I need not fear.
Now I can't say that knowing this and remembering this will take away all my pain or solve all my problems, things aren't that simple. My feelings of anxiety, depression, umbness and half-blooded-ness still remain and in fact I may find that this phase of half-blood-ness isn't really over yet, but in the end that doesn't matter. For the Lord still remains, and He is with me, and with Him I belong.
And if I can't remember that always, I will try, always.
Thanks be to the holy Lord.
6 months ago