Monday, April 30, 2007


I'm nearing the end of my college career. In a couple weeks my junior year will be over, and so now I am selecting my classes for my second to last semester. As I'm looking over my choices I can't help but feel a little regret. Despite Rutgers amazing Philosophy department I have not taken a philosophy course, despite my interest in politics I've only taken one politics course, despite my interest in religion I've taken no religion courses. We all have our buyers regret. But when I think harder about this I realize, so what? Can't I just learn this stuff on my own? Yes, having professors explain things makes learning easier but it's not impossible for me to simply research stuff on my own. But then I look back on my recent history and I find my record of learning stuff on my own is rather shoddy. When I was an elementry school and middle school student I used to research random topics I just had some interest in, but nowadays... Nowadays it seems like I've forgotten how to learn on my own. Sure I look through wikipedia but that's not real reasearch. Probably this is because when I was younger I found reading something that came easy and natural to me, now in my life I find that I seem to avoid books out of this sneaking suspicion that either my disease or medication will make it impossible to read, even though when I do read I find it usually not problematic. But this problem seems to loop back to one of my bigger problems a lack of discipline. I need to learn to force myself to do the stuff I want to do but am afraid to do. Maybe a key to learning again is to set aside some time in my schedule for educational reading, if I finally do make myself a schedule. I don't like the idea of schedules, it always seemed too confining, but it might be very helpful, and maybe all I need is a loose outline of the day. Whatever. That's enough whining. Let's dance.

Well, you can't tell but I'm not dancing because this is not the time or the place for me to dance, but feel free to dance if you feel like it. Anyways, I'm working on the 3rd Comikier comic and I'm preparing to do a bunch more random stuff, so stay tuned to the show that never ends (actually it will end when I die most likely, I mean there's that possiblity I could pass the mantle of Rand to someone else, but as it seems now that seems not the case) the Rand show.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


I hate the word progressive, it basically means you're claiming history is on your side. However sometimes it does seem like history moves in one direction or another, it might not necessarily move in the direction those who call progressives claim it does (so-called progressives are actually a pretty varied bunch, for example certain free traders and certain protectionists call themselves progressives). But why should history move in one direction however? There are mystic reasons you could summon up. But the physical universe does not play politics. Yes we can struggle against it but the infinity of time gives enough chances for the universe to give a complete disaster, maybe we can dodge one or two but if there's even the slightest chance of a civilization changing disaster it can happen in the infinity of time, in fact if there's even the slightest chance of a human race destroying disaster it can happen in the infinity of time. But anyways if you just want to look short-term it still is hard to argue in progress. After all the most massive killings and some of the most oppressive governments in history were not ancient ones but 20th history ones, and who knows what tommorow will bring. And so I have every reason to be skeptical about progress, and yet... I like people so I hope there is progress, not necessarily progress in the sense politicians use but the bettering of the world, and I believe it is possible because I believe in people, maybe not tommorow but someday. And besides, I don't believe in the infinity of time on this earth, some day I think God will call the universe to an end.

Anyways, I've been hogging the computer too much and I'm at home so that's bad, so take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Well, that's annoying

I am highly pissed. I lost my extensive notes on Rutgersfest and so...Well, I'm going to try to find it and even though I could write a decent session without them I'm not going to, because that would be letting the forgetfulness win. Damn you memory!!!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

And it's over, it's all over (well almost)

And so I have had it done, and have it done, all my classes, all my classes, YES! Anyways, I just did my last class for this semester. I still have 2 finals and a variety of random miscellaneous stuff to do. And yet, and yet, and yet, I am tired. But I'm going to Rutgersfest anyways becaus the Roots and Everclear are awesome and so... now I'm tired. But this still seems like a completely awesome day, although tired.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Comikier #2

The second Comikier comic is up, it really is mostly an introduction to Comikier but it is worth a read.
Check it out: Comikier #2

Falling off the far side of the moon

And so now we're digging into the finals period. The main things I have to do is various final assignments and then I need to study and then I have to make summer arrangements and then I need to make next year arrangements. It actually isn't that much, I'm actually really not that busy, but...It just seems like every time I get done with one thing another thing comes up, waah, waah, waah, etc. Sooo I'm not in the greatest of moods, but I still have to get work done. On the positive side I actually seem to actually getting my work done, on the other hand I seem to be pushing everything that I can off till later. Now I can conclude I just need to suck it up and do what I need to do, but actually I am doing what I need to do, and so perhaps now it's time to start actually trying to get happy or something. Maybe now that I'm caught up with urgent work I need to start organizing my life a little, maybe do some scheduling so I can do want I want to do and still have time to just relax and have fun. After all, God loves me so I imagine he'd want me to be happy.

So come on get happy, etc., etc., etc. whatever. Watching some Scrubs is a nice start, maybe chat up with some friends will help things, maybe read a good book, maybe for a moment I should stop imagining that if I don't spend every moment doing something important everything will fall apart. That I think is what I need to land somewhere after falling off of the far side of the moon. That sentence doesn't really mean anything in particular it just felt right and sounded cool (coolio, mcCool, mcAwesome, yeah!).

That said, while I am going to spend some time to relax, I'm not planning a vacation or anything, and I'm hoping to use some of my free time (although not all of it) to work on my Rand comic (I've got a couple pages almost ready), do some work on stories and poems and spruce up my website (maybe get a new one, I dunno). But whatever, things are going alright and even if I'm a little down now, I just have to remember things are looking up. So just put on a happy face.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Check out: The World of Rand

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Writer's Block

Nothing digs at me quite like writer's block. It makes me feel inadequate, uncreative, worthless, etc. And so I look for other things to do, but eventually if I want to actually get the writing done I return to staring at the page and hoping for inspiration. Usually inspiration does come, but it takes a while, and until then, like now, I have to wait.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Time keeps on slippin'

And so we enter endgame. One more week and I hit finals and honestly, in several of my classes the real finals have already begun. And so the beginning of the end starts for my junior year in college, and suddenly the future appears and my soul both rejoices and fills with terror. I've never liked the idea of school, it made me feel so backwards and undeveloped and unaccomplished. In school your seperated from the real world and stuck as a dependent of your parents, for so long I've wanted to get out of that and suddenly the end is in sight. And then there's the fear.
The fear the future brings always has several levels. First is my general fear that I'll kill myself. Then there's the fear that the future will bring me unemployment and further dependence on my parents. Then there's the fear that my life will be unfulfilling and soul-destroying. There's the fear that I'll accomplish nothing and there's the fear that I'll end up alone. Plus there's always that fear that I'm making the wrong choice in my college career. But in the end all fears must be dismissed and we must march forward. There's no easy way to dismiss these fears, in the end we must just command ourselves to go forward. I remember in some Nichetse book there was a quote from a French Napoleonic general that went something like "You see that battlefield corpse, that is where you are going." Ultimately we can conquer our fears through will, although finding will is always a hard thing as well. But we must, reminding ourselves of that is the first step to gaining that will power.
I'm tired and hungry, so it's getting tough to write this (I'm going to eat a turkey burger, turkey burger!!!). But whatever. One thing my psychologist has suggested and what I've been working on is deciding a career path. And the one I'm leaning to is...bumpata bum... Journalism. I like writing, even it's not personal, even if it's not fiction, still I like writing, so I think journalism will fit. And after consulting with my professor, blah, blah, blah. Maybe it's just that I'm hungry but talking about this stuff is turning out to be more boring that I expected.
So let me get to a more interesting aspect of this decision. I've decided to sort of, maybe, sell out a little. And how you might ask? I'm joining the Targum. I'm not fond of my college newspaper, I actually dislike it a lot, but it is the college newspaper and so if I want to get into journalism... but maybe it won't be so bad since I'm going to eat but also because perhaps I can up the quality a little. I've never been afraid of commercialism but I've always worried about lessening my quality in response to commercialism, that to me is really selling out and that's what I'm worried about with the Targum. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it (using the standard expression I'll cross that bridge when I get to it would make more sense, but I like to say I'll burn that bridge when I come to it because it just sounds cool and I AM RAND). So hungry.
But whatever, I must move on because I have other things to do, so I think I'm going to just wrap things up. So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

And the sun breaks through

There's nothing quite like sunlight, I love it really I do. It lifts up the mood, reminds you of your senses and makes everything brighter. It really is quite nice. Anyways, I'm not sure if I can make a real post today but I'll just share that shocking revelation and let you think about it. It's just good to remember, sunlight is good. I simply wish I had less to do today so I could bask in it more and maybe even do a little frolicing (what is frolicing exactly?).

Friday, April 20, 2007

Virginia Tech

I've been thinking I should write something about the shooting at Virginia Tech (I'm uncertain of what terminology is appropriate here, should I say massacre, should I say incident, should I say simply what happened at Virginia Tech, I don't really know). I haven't written anything earlier since I've been busy and because I tend to be somewhat self-centered (I care about others deeply, but I tend to loose myself within my own thoughts and issues and forget sometimes about the outside world, it something I'm working on, because among other reasons just dwelling on your problems all the time is monsterously depressing), but here I am now. I don't really know what to say.

But this being my webpost (the word that I am advancing to replace the horribly lame blog), I suppose I can just ramble. That is the nature of this medium.

First thing (first significant thing at least) that I should say is my condolences go out ot the families and friends of those killed. Not that that probably matters much given that I'm just some random guy but it's out there at least.

I'm not exactly sure where to go from there. I could ruminate on death, the gun control debate, suicide, murder, or whatever, but I could do that for any other session even if what happened at Virginia Tech had never occured. That's the thing with such sudden tragedic events, singular events don't change the nature of the world. They certainly have an impact through the lives lost and the news does fill other people with sadness and fear, but the world is still the same. For example the gun control debate doesn't change because of this, certainly the idea of school shootings change matter, but there have been other school shootings, this is not something extraordinary in the grander scheme of things. But it still is awful, it still is sad, it still is terrible.

The dead are in God's hands now, which is probably a better place for them than just in this world, but their chance to do good in this world and any chance to repair if their soul has been broken is gone. But those who lost their loved ones, they lost something very important to them, and they deserve our unreserved sympathy. And even the killer's parents. I just reread Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card and there's a part of it where the father says he would rather his children die having been good rather than turn out to be monsters. The killer's parents will have to live with their son, at least seeming like a monster even if we can't look deep enough into his soul to judge even him, and now he is also dead without a chance to repent. But if he is a monster, then he deserve's our pity even more. Nothing is sadder than a soul lost. And for the dead, those who were victims and their killer, I suppose all we can do for them is pray.

Do I feel unsafe on campus? No. Like I said the nature of the world has changed relatively little. Perhaps due to the mental impact of the tragedy the chance of a tragedy occuring where I live has gone up, on the other hand it is just as likely that the chance of a tragedy occuring around me has gone down since people are more cautious in the wake of this event. But chances are the chance of a shooting breaking out at Rutgers or in Princeton is as low as it was a week ago before the shooting. I remember when Columbine occured someone asked whether we would remember it a year from now. Of course we did because there were reminders about the anniversery, but otherwise we wouldn't have. And it makes sense, as sad as Columbine was, as sad as Virginia Tech is, my world and the world of most of the people in the world hasn't changed significantly. But for some it has changed immensely. And so we mourn, and so we pray, and so we do what we can, and then get on with our lives, because even though what happened was tragic, we continue to live, our lives continue. Ultimately, I don't know what to say about all of this. I can ramble and get my thoughts out but I don't have a conclusion. I can simply offer my condolensces and my sympathy and I can mourn and I can pray. There are lessons we can learn from this, and yes we can comfort those who are suffering, but, is that what we are to reduce the lives of the dead to, a call for action. Their lives, their deaths, I don't know what to say about them, and that's that really.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Live to win

Till you die, till the sun sets in your eye, something something something something, live to win. A couple days ago I watched the "Make Love, Not Warcraft" episode of South Park and it was frankly, completely hilarious. But what I liked a lot about it was that it was an affectionate satire. Too many satires are done filled with venom and bitterness, but I tend to enjoy satires that avoid demonization, that appreciate the good points of what they're satirizing all the while laughing at the bad parts. Just being mean is well just being mean, but being able to love something while laughing at it takes more talent and usually comes out a whole lot better than the cheap snide quip.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

California, rest in peace

I'm damn tired, but I should give a little mention of the fact that I'm in California. This circumstance being as it is, I might be a little light on the posts the next few days despite being relatively all together mentally like, exactly. I kind of regret that since I just was going to start daily posting, but I'm on vacation and I'm on California! Yeah, out of the NJ weather and into the sunshine. Visiting my bro, etc., etc. Awesome, awesome. Hey, I'll be back by Wednesday or so, but for now I'm in California!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I am not your lonely road, I am the highway

I have always sympathized with old men in movies. Well, maybe not always, but for a long time. Overall I really haven't been through that much in my life, sure I was hospitilized, but other than that, so I don't really have a legitimate excuse to feel old, but I have a pretty good illegitimate one. While I haven't been through much in the real world my mind goes in and out of depression, creates great stories and then forgets them, develops crazed theories and brilliantly mad philosophy, and so it feels like I've had a lot of stuff happen. And so there are times like this, when I dwell on all my problems with depression and crap and how long I've been dealing with it (subjectively usually, objectively maybe its not that long, maybe it is, I don't know), I feel old, and I sympathize with all the old men who try to recapture a little of theire lost glory or go for one last chance at the big time. It doesn't matter if they succeed or fail, it's the brilliance of their effort.

So you got to keep on trucking, keep on trying, keep on blazing away even if time after time things get screwed up. Although perhaps its debatable whether I should accept that things are going to be screwed up. I mean chances are its going to happen but on the other hand it is within my power, although it is very difficult, to completely avoid breakdowns, but... Whatever I suppose. The main point is I need to keep trying, probably, perhaps that's a side point to the main point which is that I've lost a sense of focus, let me try to break out from this.

So I might fail a class. The great worry that has filled me with terror for the last 10 years might finally come to pass. As usual things are my fault mitigated by my disease. Perhaps things are more my fault than usual, and perhaps I deserve this F, but maybe I don't really, a C maybe but an F? To make the matter short (well, maybe as short as the matter deserves), my mood swings this semester and my acute social anxiety led me to miss many classes, esp. one course in particular, a seminar in fact, which made matters worse since it took into account participation. Around Spring Break I asked my professor if my grade could recover and she responded positively. So I missed the withdraw deadline and instead stuck with the class. And so she gave me a last chance in the form of a presentation, and then... I had a full out breakdown. In retrospect I should have realized with my mood swings and everything that I probably wouldn't be able to handle the class, but I decided I would give it a shot anyways. Maybe there is a time to say I want to try but I can't do this, or maybe the whole try no matter what thing is for grander stuff than a class. But anyways with the time so late in the semester it might be too late to withdraw or do anything but accept the fail and so...

Since I just got out of the depression I'm on the upswing, and so I can handle this a lot better than normally. But overall I'm comforted by the fact that I've always viewed school as a means to an ends and not an ends to itself. When I remind myself of that, the impact of failure fades a little. And so I can deal with a failing grade, afterall with my overall grade point average it really isn't a big deal to fail a class. And so despite my perhaps fail, I can still say things are going pretty well.

After all I'm still trying.

There we go, things wrapped up pretty well there, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Cuz it feels so empty without me

That's quite the line, thank you very much Mr. Eminem. So I haven't been posting for a while, so what want to fight about it? Now my lack of sessions could be due to my long and noble battle against the invading hordes of space mutants, or it could be that I had something of a mental breakdown this week and that just might have incompacetated me for the week. Man, I am quite the sleepy one, sleepy mcdeepy. But anyways, so I had some problems. And now I've got to deal with the recovery.

Recovery's always an interesting topic for me, because while it always tends to have a simliar outline, there are always variations every time my mind collapses and comes back together again. Common elements include my fierce resistance to the prospect of recovery due to exhaustion, depression, and obsession over my percived weakness and self-hatred, but eventually this is overcome usually by a combination of gradual mental clearing after the lowest point of my breakdown plus an acceptance of God's help in this matter. Yeah, I'm religious, and that usually is a vital element in my recovery, as it was especially so this time.

I still feel somewhat raw though, more so than usual. I find too much strain might be a little dangereous to my mood but on the other hand I do need to get stuff done, most notably the two tests and one creative writing reading that I skipped. Arrangements must be made, and one class perhaps might have to be dropped, but honestly, I'm still having some problems with social anxiety and dealing with my professors now... it will be difficult. And what about all that other crap I must deal with?

One of the questions I've never resolved with my disease is whether I should seek any sort of help academically when dealing with my disease other than just covering the breakdowns. In this case, I'm wondering if I should ask for a little extra time to recover despite the fact that I'm now able to attend classes, although my overall ability to work is questionable. But I'm a little worried about a repeat, especially as the next batch of tests isn't that far away and I'm not sure if my meds combo is that great. Another thing I must ask for is a reformulation of my grades because doing homework has been very difficult for me. Finally, I might ask for one of my classes to simply be reduced to a pass grade, because I've done practically no studying for it, done practically no work for it, and attended practically no classes, so it's a bit of a situation. Could I survive with everything normal, probably. But there is that risk of a relapse, and so I might ask for special treatment. I've always been reluctant to try that because I'm never been sure if it's right for me to get special treatment, if I deserve it, need it, or whether it would even be useful?

I probably can go on on this topic, but I am extremely tired and I'm going to have to wake up early tommorow. And honestly, I'm a little anxious about writing a long session, the longer I write, the more I feel little bits of anxiety build, and so my next sessions for the next couple days might be a little light. But whatever, I think I'm just going to wrap things up. And like I've been telling you, check out my comic: Rand, Guy of the Universe

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!


God Bless you all.

He has risen, He has risen indeed.