Sunday, April 8, 2007

Cuz it feels so empty without me

That's quite the line, thank you very much Mr. Eminem. So I haven't been posting for a while, so what want to fight about it? Now my lack of sessions could be due to my long and noble battle against the invading hordes of space mutants, or it could be that I had something of a mental breakdown this week and that just might have incompacetated me for the week. Man, I am quite the sleepy one, sleepy mcdeepy. But anyways, so I had some problems. And now I've got to deal with the recovery.

Recovery's always an interesting topic for me, because while it always tends to have a simliar outline, there are always variations every time my mind collapses and comes back together again. Common elements include my fierce resistance to the prospect of recovery due to exhaustion, depression, and obsession over my percived weakness and self-hatred, but eventually this is overcome usually by a combination of gradual mental clearing after the lowest point of my breakdown plus an acceptance of God's help in this matter. Yeah, I'm religious, and that usually is a vital element in my recovery, as it was especially so this time.

I still feel somewhat raw though, more so than usual. I find too much strain might be a little dangereous to my mood but on the other hand I do need to get stuff done, most notably the two tests and one creative writing reading that I skipped. Arrangements must be made, and one class perhaps might have to be dropped, but honestly, I'm still having some problems with social anxiety and dealing with my professors now... it will be difficult. And what about all that other crap I must deal with?

One of the questions I've never resolved with my disease is whether I should seek any sort of help academically when dealing with my disease other than just covering the breakdowns. In this case, I'm wondering if I should ask for a little extra time to recover despite the fact that I'm now able to attend classes, although my overall ability to work is questionable. But I'm a little worried about a repeat, especially as the next batch of tests isn't that far away and I'm not sure if my meds combo is that great. Another thing I must ask for is a reformulation of my grades because doing homework has been very difficult for me. Finally, I might ask for one of my classes to simply be reduced to a pass grade, because I've done practically no studying for it, done practically no work for it, and attended practically no classes, so it's a bit of a situation. Could I survive with everything normal, probably. But there is that risk of a relapse, and so I might ask for special treatment. I've always been reluctant to try that because I'm never been sure if it's right for me to get special treatment, if I deserve it, need it, or whether it would even be useful?

I probably can go on on this topic, but I am extremely tired and I'm going to have to wake up early tommorow. And honestly, I'm a little anxious about writing a long session, the longer I write, the more I feel little bits of anxiety build, and so my next sessions for the next couple days might be a little light. But whatever, I think I'm just going to wrap things up. And like I've been telling you, check out my comic: Rand, Guy of the Universe

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!


God Bless you all.

He has risen, He has risen indeed.

No comments: