Maybe it has the best of me

After every music session I do, I get a song stuck in my head. From my last music session I got Best of You stuck in my head. And I feel like maybe someone or something has the best of me, but I suppose I just need to rip away and say "I'll never give in...No, I refuse." I'm half inclined to do a semi-exposition of this song or even a full exposition, but for various reasons that would be a bad idea. Time's one, I do have a paper to write, but also the things I'm thinking about when I'm hearing that song right now aren't stuff I can share, at least not with everyone.

I realize it's a bit of a cheat to hint so heavily at some story I'm not going to share, but if it is a cheat, so be it, I can live with that, but I can't live with telling this story on the web, at least not today. There are some stories I tell and some I don't. Stories about me I tell for the most part, although I'm considering being a bit more guarded about these because people I know might (big might) read this and take things in a bad light (actually I already consider that and hide certain things, but I'm considering expanding that rule); stories about news, culture, science even, the world in general, those I tell; stories about things that never happen or only might happen, those I tell; but stories about other people, well, if it's positive I might share it, but I'm not going to share other people's secrets on the web, it's just not right.

If it seems even more obnoxious to explain myself in a way that hints even more at the story I'm not telling, well, that's really too bad for you. Sometimes you have to live with not knowing. It's just that something bad happened, and it's taken a lot out of me, but I'm pressing on, even if I can't really change the bad stuff that's happening, but at least I can live my life and hopefully help prevent other bad stuff.

But it hurts you know, watching bad stuff happening and being helpless. It does hurt, and sometimes it takes the best of you.

But when that happens you just need to scream "I'll never give in, NO I REFUSE!"

Because if you do give in...

And even with the bad stuff in the world, there's still so much good, it's still not a bad world, it's just not as good as you'd like it to be... and so you learn to live with the bad stuff that's happening, and you learn to press on, and you take back the best of you.

Or at least you try damn hard.

That's really all I have to say about that.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Even in sorrow life remains

I remember a conversation I had in middle school. It was after the Columbine Massacre, I was talking to some friends, and we were talking I guess about the impact that the Massacre would have on our lives. And I remarked how we would probably forget this in a week or two maybe remember it a little a year from now, but eventually forget it completely. It seems a little cynical looking back on it. It also feels immensely sad.

I sometimes feel like the sorrow of a tragedy should be carried with you forever, and to some degree that's true. You can incorporate lessons and memories into your mind and thoughts. But the full morning of the tragedy has to end, and relatively quickly at that. Because we need to live.

It still seems like a crappy way to run things, but what do I know.

Virginia Tech

I've been thinking I should write something about the shooting at Virginia Tech (I'm uncertain of what terminology is appropriate here, should I say massacre, should I say incident, should I say simply what happened at Virginia Tech, I don't really know). I haven't written anything earlier since I've been busy and because I tend to be somewhat self-centered (I care about others deeply, but I tend to loose myself within my own thoughts and issues and forget sometimes about the outside world, it something I'm working on, because among other reasons just dwelling on your problems all the time is monsterously depressing), but here I am now. I don't really know what to say.

But this being my webpost (the word that I am advancing to replace the horribly lame blog), I suppose I can just ramble. That is the nature of this medium.

First thing (first significant thing at least) that I should say is my condolences go out ot the families and friends of those killed. Not that that probably matters much given that I'm just some random guy but it's out there at least.

I'm not exactly sure where to go from there. I could ruminate on death, the gun control debate, suicide, murder, or whatever, but I could do that for any other session even if what happened at Virginia Tech had never occured. That's the thing with such sudden tragedic events, singular events don't change the nature of the world. They certainly have an impact through the lives lost and the news does fill other people with sadness and fear, but the world is still the same. For example the gun control debate doesn't change because of this, certainly the idea of school shootings change matter, but there have been other school shootings, this is not something extraordinary in the grander scheme of things. But it still is awful, it still is sad, it still is terrible.

The dead are in God's hands now, which is probably a better place for them than just in this world, but their chance to do good in this world and any chance to repair if their soul has been broken is gone. But those who lost their loved ones, they lost something very important to them, and they deserve our unreserved sympathy. And even the killer's parents. I just reread Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card and there's a part of it where the father says he would rather his children die having been good rather than turn out to be monsters. The killer's parents will have to live with their son, at least seeming like a monster even if we can't look deep enough into his soul to judge even him, and now he is also dead without a chance to repent. But if he is a monster, then he deserve's our pity even more. Nothing is sadder than a soul lost. And for the dead, those who were victims and their killer, I suppose all we can do for them is pray.

Do I feel unsafe on campus? No. Like I said the nature of the world has changed relatively little. Perhaps due to the mental impact of the tragedy the chance of a tragedy occuring where I live has gone up, on the other hand it is just as likely that the chance of a tragedy occuring around me has gone down since people are more cautious in the wake of this event. But chances are the chance of a shooting breaking out at Rutgers or in Princeton is as low as it was a week ago before the shooting. I remember when Columbine occured someone asked whether we would remember it a year from now. Of course we did because there were reminders about the anniversery, but otherwise we wouldn't have. And it makes sense, as sad as Columbine was, as sad as Virginia Tech is, my world and the world of most of the people in the world hasn't changed significantly. But for some it has changed immensely. And so we mourn, and so we pray, and so we do what we can, and then get on with our lives, because even though what happened was tragic, we continue to live, our lives continue. Ultimately, I don't know what to say about all of this. I can ramble and get my thoughts out but I don't have a conclusion. I can simply offer my condolensces and my sympathy and I can mourn and I can pray. There are lessons we can learn from this, and yes we can comfort those who are suffering, but, is that what we are to reduce the lives of the dead to, a call for action. Their lives, their deaths, I don't know what to say about them, and that's that really.

Must be the season of the witch.

I was going to save that title for a session about an odd episode of my life involving a witch, but I don't feel like writing about that and yet this song, or at least the chorus keeps on ringing in my head. Bad things have happened, but I can't really talk about that. Granted, my sessions might not be read much or at all, but in case certain people did and I revealed certain things certain embarrassments would come forth. So I hold back in this forum, but I wanted to start with that title because with that chorus in my head I can't commit to any other title.

Looking at the time I see technically now I have lost another day without a session which annoys me, but that's life. The time is rather late and I don't think I can really pull out a full session right now even, but maybe something just to set the tone of these times. Understand now, it's the season of the witch and the hour of the wolf. It's not a time of crisis, it's a time of a quiet desperation, as people ponder what they must do when the crises do break and all the problems finally break down upon their heads. Usually there's little they can do, occassionally there's everything they can do, and sometimes ignorance is the only course of action. The only thing people hold in common at this time, in the hour of the wolf in the season of the witch, is that quiet desperation, looking into the unknown as if it were a bottomless pit ready to swallow them up.

That chorus still rings in my head. Must be the season of the witch.