And so we enter endgame. One more week and I hit finals and honestly, in several of my classes the real finals have already begun. And so the beginning of the end starts for my junior year in college, and suddenly the future appears and my soul both rejoices and fills with terror. I've never liked the idea of school, it made me feel so backwards and undeveloped and unaccomplished. In school your seperated from the real world and stuck as a dependent of your parents, for so long I've wanted to get out of that and suddenly the end is in sight. And then there's the fear.
The fear the future brings always has several levels. First is my general fear that I'll kill myself. Then there's the fear that the future will bring me unemployment and further dependence on my parents. Then there's the fear that my life will be unfulfilling and soul-destroying. There's the fear that I'll accomplish nothing and there's the fear that I'll end up alone. Plus there's always that fear that I'm making the wrong choice in my college career. But in the end all fears must be dismissed and we must march forward. There's no easy way to dismiss these fears, in the end we must just command ourselves to go forward. I remember in some Nichetse book there was a quote from a French Napoleonic general that went something like "You see that battlefield corpse, that is where you are going." Ultimately we can conquer our fears through will, although finding will is always a hard thing as well. But we must, reminding ourselves of that is the first step to gaining that will power.
I'm tired and hungry, so it's getting tough to write this (I'm going to eat a turkey burger, turkey burger!!!). But whatever. One thing my psychologist has suggested and what I've been working on is deciding a career path. And the one I'm leaning to is...bumpata bum... Journalism. I like writing, even it's not personal, even if it's not fiction, still I like writing, so I think journalism will fit. And after consulting with my professor, blah, blah, blah. Maybe it's just that I'm hungry but talking about this stuff is turning out to be more boring that I expected.
So let me get to a more interesting aspect of this decision. I've decided to sort of, maybe, sell out a little. And how you might ask? I'm joining the Targum. I'm not fond of my college newspaper, I actually dislike it a lot, but it is the college newspaper and so if I want to get into journalism... but maybe it won't be so bad since I'm going to eat but also because perhaps I can up the quality a little. I've never been afraid of commercialism but I've always worried about lessening my quality in response to commercialism, that to me is really selling out and that's what I'm worried about with the Targum. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it (using the standard expression I'll cross that bridge when I get to it would make more sense, but I like to say I'll burn that bridge when I come to it because it just sounds cool and I AM RAND). So hungry.
But whatever, I must move on because I have other things to do, so I think I'm going to just wrap things up. So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
6 months ago