Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I want to be your sledgehammer

Greetings all (I'm thinking about starting every session with a greetings, just to make sure that this webpost (I'm trying to get this word to replace the awful, awful, ugly word blog) never gets too impersonal). You might be wondering what the title of this session will have to do with the session itself (if you're not wondering this you're a bum, BUM!!!), the answer to that question is... I don't really know. The song Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel was stuck in my head and that line seemed to be a nice title so I put it in there. I think lately my titles have been more and more like that, just random phrases in my head, which being in my head at the point of writing might actually by association of thoughts be related to the subject of my session but just as easily might not be. Anyways, this being a session simply on my life (well, not simply on my life, more about my life and the thoughts and ideas that emerge from the thoughts I'm having about my life) I don't think having a title that well sums up the session is all that important.

With that out of the way I think it is time to share with you the miraculous fact that I have indeed finished my junior year. Yay, wooo, etc., etc. The finals are over and the fallout from that will be coming relatively soon. But my concern, oddly enough for me, is not really concentrated on my grades but rather for my summer plans. I wanted school to end so badly and now that the year is over I am struck by enormous question of what to do.

One thing I know I cannot do is revert to my old habit of doing absolutely nothing. I have to admit it is tempting even if it does inevitably lead to depression and self-loathing, it has the attraction of sloth and inertia, doing nothing requires no effort, no change, no quick adaptation to new challenges. But it is also no life of quality or satisfaction and so it cannot be chosen by the great and glorious Rand. So I must do something, but what to do exactly? Well, one thing I can do is continue with this webpost, putting up sessions hopefully every day. Another thing is work on my webpage The World of Rand , and perhaps even get a domain name for it. Also, put up some more comics and work on my stories and poems and enter them in contests. Also, work on a family website with a family tree. Now this is actually a lot of stuff, and hopefully I can work on all of it, but I might not be able to. But the bigger problem is that none of this actually improves my chances of getting a job or gives me any money and so I am forced to take on something more formal (I really hate formality).

This leads me to internships. However do to late and inadequate planning I only have one internship opportunity, an unpaid internship at the Rat Radio station in South Jersey, a nice opportunity but not a great one anad like I said unpaid. This point is actually something of growing concern for me do to the fact that money is becoming somewhat tight around the house. I have been getting some pressure to get a job and if I want my projects to really pick up steam I need to start putting some money into them (like into a scanner and a domain name and maybe some professional drawing supplies, paying contest entry fees, etc.). Can I do both the internship and a job? Maybe. However it might be difficult given the enormous drive to get to the radio station, still, it might be doable, however, it is coming time for me to formallize how much time I will be able to give to the internship and so this might constrain my job options somewhat. This brings me to my job options. The easiest option and the one which I can do even with doing the internship full time is a job with the Princeton review teaching an SAT or GRE class. The more desirable option but one which would be harder to get and would make doing the internship almost impossible would be a job with the Princeton Packet. If I am going to pursue such a position I might have to cancel my internship, maybe perhaps, without even knowing whether or not I have the job. And then there are opportunities around town and elsewhere if I actually start giving some effort. And so I am faced with tough choices and a need for some concerted and sustained effort, neither of my strong suits, but I got to do what I got to do. School might never have been all that desirable to me but it had a degree of safety and familiarity that I don't have in the job world, still if I want to advance in my life I need to take risks and give effort and push past my fears and sloth and anxieties to achieve my dreams, even if it's annoying or even painful. The die is cast and I must cross the Rubicon into the unfamiliar territory of destinity, I must face the real world. Yes I have one more year of college but if I am to go for the risky field of journalism I will have to have good credentials and I will have to enter the real world now rather than later. There is no choice, this must be done or failure.

Well, that's not entirely true, there's always a choice, and there's always options and opportunities. After thinking about all the stories I've heard and what I've known I've come to this conclusion. If you search hard enough, commit sustained effort, and take risks you can find opportunities even if it's not in the normal places. That said, these things require searching, sustained effort and risks, like I said not my strong suits. But I am the great and glorious Rand, and even if they are not my strong suits I can still push through that weakness. After all, I have God on my side. And so perhaps I should (I'm saying should because given the irrational and often uncontrollable nature of my fears my fear probably won't do what it should do but I simply need to push through that) not look at the future with anxiety but rather with hope and confidence, because it will be good as long as I keep trying to do good with my life. I think the real measure of someone's life is how good a person he is and if you spend your life striving to be a good person and to do good with a spirit of love in your heart, then well then you're a good person and you've lived a good life. So I think I'll be alright.

Anyways, I need to get going, things to do and miles to go before I sleep (I'm always a little angsty about using that phrase because even though it's a good one and by Frost one of my favorite poets, it has a hint of death around it), so take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

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