Monday, March 26, 2007

The terror before the hurricane

I think I know why I'm feeling so much anxiety, so much fear, and going through some rather annoying mood swings lately. Right now I have a lot of opportunity. I have opportunities for internships, I have an opportunity to pick up my grades, I have an opportunity to start dating, I have an opportunity to do more writing and to really start getting stuff done with my projects, and I have an opportunity to submit stuff for publication. In short, I have a lot of opportunities to make my life better. A lot of these opportunities have time limits on them, however, but it's not a matter of I'm not sure if I can get these things done in time, well there's a little of that. My fears largely stem from the fact that if I try to make my life better I risk failing in my venture. If I'm really trying to get good grades and I fail, then I really failed at academics. If I'm really trying to write something good and I fail, then I really have failed at writing. If I try for internships and don't get them, then I, me, myself have screwed. That's the way it is. And that is kind of a little terrifying.

There's no two ways about it, I must press forward. I say that a lot in these sessions, perhaps because it's something of a mantra for me, but saying that something must get done and actually doing something are two very different things. Still there's not too much you can do to get around it sometimes. I've never put too much trust in tricks to help you get through a tough mental spot, although I will admit that deep breathing does help somewhat, in the end, overcoming problems usually comes down to a choice. Are you going to do it or not? And it depends on your will power most of all, of course there are factors that can boost or diminish your will power. A good day or a bad day, if you've just watched a great movie or been disappointed by a bad one, if you're bored out of your mind or if you have a ready distraction. How these factors affect you really depends on your personality. Still, you can always brush all these factors aside and make a choice to do what you need to. There is always enough will power if you can just push through, but pushing through isn't always easy, and for most people, perhaps not for all, but for most, there will be some failures.

Still, you have to risk failure, you have to accept failure, and you have to move beyond failure. All three of these things I have trouble with, well, I really don't have trouble accepting failure, in fact I'm probably too ready to accept failure. But that's life. While I don't put my faith in tricks, I do use them, like I said deep breathing helps, watching quality tv or a quality movie or reading a quality book helps, getting outside and clearing your head helps, but you've got to be careful not to spend too much time with the tricks or the problem will simply keep on mounting. Whatever the tricks you still need to make your choice, and you still need to steel up your will power.

You can always pray, and you can always give your burdens to God, but it's up to you to accept God's help.

I believe in personal responsibility, and so I take myself as responsible for my failures, on the other hand, you can always forgive yourself, no matter what, God won't hold it against you why should you hold it against yourself. And here's something for the religious and non-religious alike, what is done is done, and in the end you have to move on.

In the end, we just have to push through.

So that's about enough of that. Take it your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

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