Thursday, March 22, 2007

Things uneven

I used that title because it was the first thing that came to me, but it sort of describes my feeling right now. I feel off-balance. I have continued to have mood-swings that have annoyingly interfered with my education and yet I am not spiralling into collapse. I have a lot of problems right now but I'm not desperate, but nor do I have that determined fury. I am simply, well, off-balance, and things are uneven.

I get the feeling that I'm missing something here, that I'm ignoring some facet of my life that if I worked on would make my life infinitely better or at least managable. Maybe I'm just looking for a magic bullet to make all my worries go away. That tends to happen when you whine a lot. Still I have to wonder.

I was going to write a session about that but now it seems lame so let's move on to other thoughts.

I've always measured myself by my written output. This might not be a good idea, but that's just how I look at my life. A while ago I found my little sister's old journal and I asked her if she wanted it. She didn't really care one way or the other and I have to say I was pretty shocked by that idea. I've always collected my writings, I have some dating back to elementry school, and if I had been more careful I would have some dating back to my earliest days of being capable to write. That's perhaps why I keep writing this despite my low view count, because if I keep writing I keep feeling alive.

But if I want to feel like I'm moving forward in my life I think I need to start submitting work for publication or contests. Unfortunately, that requires some bravery, and despite the infinite courage of the great and glorious Rand I must say I'm a bit afraid of rejection, and submitting works does carry that risk.

I recently won a scholarship contest. The money I got from it is nice, but it's also nice to win something, to know that I can win things. I feel like I've started doubting that lately. Right now I've got a lot of applications coming up, internships, jobs, writing contests, and I've got to say I'm petrified, but hey, I'm Rand, ultimately I just have to do it.

Always, always, always, well, almost always easier said than done. Another factor in my reluctance to submit to writing contests is my lack of output. I do have a lot of old poems, but a lot of them aren't that good. On the poetry side I could probably submit ten or fifteen to various contests. I could probably up that number if I gave a good editing job to some of my older poems, but I guess I have a little bit of fear when it comes to doing a big editing job or actually putting a story down on paper. I'm always afraid that it won't come out well and since I measure myself by my written output, not writing well is scary for me. Deep in my heart I know that my self-worth does not come from what I produce but from the love in my heart, and I know also that I have some talent and if I try I can produce good work, maybe not everything will be gold, but if I get some discipline going and keep writing, I should have more than enough to submit. But that discipline is difficult, especially due to the fear, but also due to my general lack of discipline. The shortage of material is especially acute on my short stories side. I have only one, maybe two short stories that I would submit on the drop of a hat, I have a number of other short stories that need some serious edit jobs, but I also feel like I should be writing more short stories. But I find myself reluctant to sit down and write those stories. To some degree I might have an actual writer's block with my short stories, which is nothing to be ashamed of, even though I think subconsciously I am ashamed of it, but it's also a matter I'm afraid of sitting down because what if I can't write or can't write well. As I've been saying that prospect is terrifying.

I think I've been repeating my points so let me get out of that paragraph. As always, while it's nice to state and explore your problems, that alone does not help solve them. Always, you must face your difficulties and tackle them. Still I wonder if I missing something in my life that would make my problems seem less, well, insurmountable, as they do sometimes. Right now in my life, I feel sort of iffy if I can move into the real world and iffy if I can become the sort of person I want to be. I think I've lost a lot of confidance in my long struggles with depression, and I'm not talking about manic confidence, I'm talking about real confidence, but that stuff doesn't grow on trees. Perhaps that's what's missing in my life, or perhaps that's a symptom of something more. I kind of feel like what I'm missing is a woman, but I can't rely on me getting a girlfriend and even if I overcame my painful social anxieties about dating it would be unfair to force my girlfriend to become my savior. Maybe there is something missing that I'm just not seeing that will help my life become great, but maybe I'm just clutching at straws. Whatever might be, I still need to deal with what I'm facing right now, although perhaps I can reserve a little part of myself to explore the possibilities. Whatever. I always wonder about the secret implications of the words and sentence I use, but let's discard all of that and just say, I still need to deal with my problems. Even if I have had only mixed success so far, tommorow is a new day, and so I still have an opportunity to improve myself and conquer my anxities, and more than all that internal warfare bullshit, I can actually get stuff done. There is always hope, I believe in that, and so I always will look to tommorow.

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