Thursday, March 1, 2007

I'm just super-jaded, ultra-faded, out of my mind

I got to say I'm tired. Tired of feeling down and lonely and whining about it. But I still do. Well, the whining part I could cut down on, but I still feel like writing this blog so there you go. But the feeling down and lonely part I really can't get rid of since it's just this irrational feeling that keeps hitting me. But I suppose I just need to deal with it. Yet the worrying part is when I get like this, uncaring about myself so that I no longer care to help myself, quietly self-loathing instead of actively so that I can contradict the irrational self-hatred, annoyed by everything so that nothing seems to take the edge off of my depression, and stressed about human contact so that despite my loneliness I avoid people compulsively. But I just need to deal with it.
My life is hard sometimes, yes other people have it worse, but my life can be very difficult at times. Unfortunately, despite medication and therapy the feelings have not gone away, and I'm doubtful they will ever go away. So I just need to deal with them. But I'm really tired of that. My psychologist says that over time it will get easier to deal with the feelings and that even when it's hard I still need to push through. But I've been pushing through the feelings for a whole lot of years now, and I'm fustrated. I feel old, like I've been dealing with this for an eternity. But still I need to deal with it, I need to push through.
I need to get out of myself more, stop concentrating on fixing my feelings and more with overcoming them to get what I want done. Like this, like my writings, like doing alright in my classes, like my stuff with the radio. But once again I'm having trouble doing what I want because I'm losing my will to care. But that's just one more thing I have to deal with.

In the end you always just need to press on. Shit will happen, sometimes really bad shit. But you need to press on, because pressing on is an act of triumph over that shit. It's the only way to really prove to yourself that you're bigger than you're problems. And in the end it's the right thing to do, so you got to do it. Persevere, press on, and don't quit at life, that's what I got to do, even if it's hard, even if I'm tired, even if I'm having problems with doing just that, I still need to press on.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

No comments: