How did I get here? Really, how? Who and why as well

And the days go by and the water flowing underground...

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

And if you'd like to make sure that it's all the same as it ever was, here's the lyrics

But damn... it's weird... I really don't think I was going to be here. In fact, in high school I considered myself distinctly un-technical and was somewhat proud for bucking the Indian computer whiz stereotype (But then I decided to buy a stereo...). On the other hand my oldest brother's a tech whiz and I took a bunch of comp-sci classes and I also was involved with the Computer Club (which I tried to steer into a creating sentient artificial intelligence direction, but they said it was "unrealistic" and "delusional").

Still the comp-sci-y part of me always seemed a little less than the other parts and that my career would take me...

But what is a career? (let's look at webster..., though dude Webster, shiny-ness does not excuse a website so crowded with slow running js that it's barely usable (yeah I'm looking at you Mashable))

In a lot of ways, who I am, highly religious, writer-ly, and overall a jack-of-all-trades, hasn't changed much from my days as a 5-year old... but damn...

I guess a lot of my amazement at who I am now comes from 3 things:

1. I went through a period where any prospect of the future seemed unrealistic since I thought death was imminent
2. On occasion my imagination runs away with my ambition (but they never actually elope! I mean really!) and I have dreams of myself as widely read and respected and yet only a tiny bit older, if not younger
3. Perhaps most importantly of all, it's the gestalt of it all. Even if I might imagine a bit of myself here or there, to imagine the whole of my being... can I even conceive of it? (I'm pretty sure actually that I can't).

But while there's certain romantics to my surprise, a greater significance maybe the lesson learned. That is to say, if I did not predict who I am now, will I be able to know what I will become. And thus "How did I get here?" begets "Where am I going?"

But actually I know the answer to that...

I'm going to see the King

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks.

Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

With or without you

I've made my share of mistakes in my life, and when it comes to those, this is, well, not really huge, ind of big, but it's annoying.
What's annoying is, I've given up my tendencies to care. Well, not really. What it is though is I've lowered the bar of my social anxiety tolerance, things bugging me started pressing down and I decided to press down as well. Unfortunately, while that left me less bothered by social anxieties, it also left me less motivated. Because in the end, I still like people, and interacting with them, helping them, making them happy, that makes me motivated and driven. But I stepped back from that risky proposition of social interaction in my workplace (on the other hand, not elsewhere, which gives the whole situation the annoying possibility of indefinitability).
So that approach to things, that was a mistake. But it's always easier to turn off my sociability than to turn it back on. And now I'm feeling a little bit too low with motivation to get past it. And so... and so... I don't know. But that's okay.
Still the Lord remains.
So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
And God Bless.

My dreams, they`ve got a kiss me, 'because I don't get sleep

As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, my sleep has rarely been due to my mad busy-ness (or lack there of as the moment may demand). Thus "Feel Good Inc" has always had a special resonance on that line (Lyrics here).

More usually, my lack of sleep is deeply intertwined with my mental health. Sleep to some degree is an instrument my depression can use to prick my comfort, but there is also a rational aspect of my insomnia. Deep in the night, my work is done, new work is far away in the hours until the day. And moreover, I am in control of my world deep in the night, no one directing me here, there or the yet third direction, and so on beyond. But perhaps, a more cowardly way of looking at it, I am alone deep in the night, hours past my last interaction with someone, hours until my next, and I am free of the inevitable stress and pain of those interactions, and yes I feel the fear that comes from knowing that the stress and pain is coming upon the morning.

And so my instinct is not to sleep. But instinct can go to hell. Screw cowardliness, screw control, screw work and its avoidance, to live, to live and to serve God, I am going to need some sleep. And so screw all that which stands between, and indeed I must now begin my march toward sleep.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango

Let me dispense with both the explanation and the apology for my lack of posting. While occasionally interesting, most of it has been said before.

Instead let me just say that I will defeat that devil whom Beelzebub put aside for me. (because one cannot forget among the new flashy animes the mega-awesomeness that is Neon Genesis Evangelion, nor among the new songs of music and the like the super-awesomeness that is Bohemian Rhapsody

Ah the devil, my old nemesis, to be truthful, I've never quite understood what my exact understanding of the devil was, much less actually understood what he was. Sometimes I've looked at him more metaphorically, sometimes I've felt that the theological dimensions ought be left to the Church, because I was surely not going to spend the time to get a good grasp of them, still others I've felt him (I use him as a shorthand, as an ex-angel Lucifer would be non-gendered) real but not something that I needed to worry about.

A semi-turning point in my understanding of the devil came at last year's Malankara Catholic Association's North American Convention. During said convention there was a speech by a Catholic priest who had served as an exorcist for many years (he no longer was one full-time after being moved from India to the US, but he occasionally was still consulted). I try to take people as being earnest by default, unless I have reason to disbelieve them, and I take Catholic priests to be my spiritual guides, however I will say I do not necessarily agree with every priest on every aspect of the faith or of life (after all there is plenty of disagreements about many different matters within the Catholic Church, only a small section of even the official theological positions are held to be absolute dogmas (for example there are an immense number of Church writings about Mary, the Mother of God, but only a small subset are dogmas "De Fide Credenda" (of certain faith), most notably the "Marian doctrines of the Catholic Church").

The priest in his speech, talked about his work as an exorcist. His description of the exorcisms he had participated in seemed fully truthful, and he had the appearance of an honest man (though there's always the chance I could be deceived, but that's true of everyone and everything), so I'd say I believe he was telling the truth. However, the events he talked about were well beyond anything I have experienced in terms of the supernatural, and yet, I have not seen much of the world and much happens in it that is incredible, but I believe much of this incredible. I'd say I trust in his descriptions of demonic possessions, as they are rooted not only in his experience but correlate with the Bible and the Catholic faith which I hold dear. Yet demonic possession still seems like an extraordinary event, and not something that I've seen anywhere in my life. At that point in his speech I sort of looked at this is as sort of a description of something remote from me, though perhaps filled with lessons for myself and others (for example, the priest talked about how all these demonic possessions had roots in the sinful behavior of the possessed or people around him.)

But the priest went on to talk about how the Devil was a very real presence in our lives and a real danger to us. Now of that, I'm not sure what to make of it. His talk of the Devil's dangers didn't really seem to offer a great deal of advice besides a general recommendation to avoid sin. So while I've tried to take the messages of his speech to heart, I'm still not really sure what to do about the devil.

There have been times when I've been tempted to believe that my mental illness was caused by demonic possession or otherwise influenced by the Devil. But my experience of the disease and its treatment suggest otherwise. The priest's speech also warned that people should not jump to the demonic possession label, that it was only after a thorough examination of other possible emotional, psychological, physical or spiritual causes was exorcism turned to. A nice phrase of his was that the Church uses "the rigour of the skeptic, but not the non-belief". Overall, my mental illness, while frustrating in its stubbornness and perhaps not a classic example of a particular disease, does make sense as a mental illness. So I really can't say I've had any experience directly with the devil.

Indirectly? Well, what does indirect experiences with the devil mean exactly? Temptations? Perhaps, but humans naturally have plenty of temptation, so who's to say what's devil brought. So I'm not sure what to really take from that priest's speech, or what to make of the devil, or exactly how I feel really about the whole thing. But one of the great things about carrying the memory of what you've heard forward in your life is you don't need to make a final decision about it at any one point. Later on, when events or circumstances remind me of it, I'll perhaps mull over things and make a firmer decision about the speech.

Still, even without a final decision on it, it seems rather cowardly to regard the speech as truthful and containing advice, but to not actually act on any part of it. I guess one thing is I've tried to take "the rigour of the skeptic, but not the non-belief" position more toward the devil when it comes to my general understanding of how the universe works. In terms of my daily life, I guess the thing to keep in mind is that evil is not just a passive thing, whether devil borne or borne out of human nature or by others, its something that can actively work against you and those that you love. And thus you have to guard against it to some degree in your behavior. Now, I'm not saying that you should be paranoid about your actions, I've been there and that's lead me further away from God rather than toward Him, but as something to bear in mind rather than to fret about, it might be a good idea to reflect on things and try to correct yourself when it comes to motivations to do wrong. And when you feel a great desire to do something, think about what that desire is rooted in.

And yet I've often received a lot of advice that a person should not worry too much about life and let things happen, trusting God that things will work out. Some aspects of that advice I find very valuable to me, other implications, such as not trying to change things in your life, I find not suited to myself, but useful for others. Yet I think even in this framework of sort of going with the flow, you can carry an awareness of what the flow is and how it's like, and if it's generally carrying you in a direction that's good, then that's fine, but you need to have an awareness that this can change, and that sometimes the flow will go in the wrong direction, and then trusting in God means trusting in God's ways and if those contradict with the flow, it means trusting in God to aid you as you try to correct the flow of your life.

None of this philosophical rambling is directly related to the Devil, I suppose, but the point is if evil is an active force in the world, whether you take a relaxed attitude toward life or are always looking to change things, you must not just be wary of evil that you can fall into, but rather be an active force for good, in your life and in the world (though by being good in your life you inevitably become a force for good in the world, because the good path is God's will, and God's will is to save the world).

But what does that really mean? Well, mysterious are the ways of God, and sometimes the path He sets before us seems mysterious as well. And we can walk with Faith, Hope and Love, but that seems still sometimes like not enough of a direction. Sometimes the direction we must travel in life, the direction of God's will just seems impossible to grasp. But that's okay, God knows that we cannot grasp all of His will, it's okay to be confused, we try to do the best we can, and trust that God will make it all work out.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Rumors of my hiatus have been greatly exaggerated by me

Because I said that earlier, and now I take it back - SPIN MOVE!.

Now before you question my sincerity - who are you to question my sincerity!! (Seriously, who are you? People never comment around here. Comment damn you I command it!), I will say this... why the heck would I take a hiatus?

Well, why do people take hiatuses or hiati as the Romans might say (they wound't say that by the way)?

Usually to go on vacation, to do a reassessment of things without the weight of their work hanging over them...

So I might go on hiatus during a trip to India coming up later this month... INDIA!!! WOOOOO!!!... but to be honest, the whole removal of weight of work thing just doesn't gel when you start mixing it up.

Because writing, despite it's occasional stresses and a frustrating lack of focus, energy and inspiration of late, is ultimately expressive of my soul and more than that enriching of my soul. I become stronger through writing, and though it requires effort that is effort well spent...

And yet, there are many other places where effort must be spent in my life. So why reserve a spot for this one?

Because writing is a part of me, a very core and essential part and to discard it would be to leave a piece of my spirit to rot and that dog won't hunt monsignor.

And thus Rand rambles on...endlessly and awesomely... BECAUSE I AM RAND, the GREAT AND GLORIOUS!!!

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

If I should be lost, will your songs lead me home

I'm still off. I dunno, my mind is a bit away from well, relative to my worst I'm still doing quite outstandingly, so things aren't bad, I'm just a little unwell.

But perhaps all I really want is someone to sing me to sleep:

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep
For I am tired.

I shall seize the day nobly,
Pursue my ambition,
But with justice as my guide.
I will write the greatest novel,
I will write the greatest play,
I will write the world a new point of view,
New values and ideals.
I will save us all
And keep us all safe.
I will recreate the Earth and make it better.

And this day was an effort towards those goals,
And it has drained all the energy from me
Each and every drop.
Is it foolish to pursue my hopes until my body is weary and broken?
Is it idiotic?
Dangerous?
Suicidal?
Perhaps it is correct at least for me,
perhaps I do not know,
But I cannot make the effort to ponder such weighty matters at this hour.
Tomorrow I can,
But tonight I cannot.

So sing me to sleep
For it is time for me to rest.

-Rand

Beastia Viri

Bestia Viri

If the animal dwells in man

Why should woman tame it

Certainly an animal dwells in woman

But it is a different beast

And that justifies nothing

Why should woman be the one

To calm man when he is feral

Simply because

Women are most capable for the task

-Rand

I suppose I was bold that day

Rand writes. It's what I do. It's something I've done for quite a while, sometimes by necessity, most often by choice, and always with awesomeness. And thus I have a number of scraps of writing like this, written long-ago in my prehistoric high school junior year, which despite their age have quite a bit of life to them and are deserving of throwing onto the web. And who am I to make such a judgment?

I AM RAND!

“Just because someone smells does not make them any less of a person!” I shouted in the late September, early October day. Those may not have been my exact words, but I remember the feeling of frustrated anger. I stood tall that day, eyebrows raised and nostrils flaring. I was pissed off because a kid was getting picked on because people said he smell. I don’t remember smelling anything, but my opinion is biased. The entire room turned against him, and even the adults joined in. That was the way group therapy was supposed to work, but this wasn’t a sin, some gaping flaw that made the kid, named Bill (not the real name for obvious reason), any less ofa man. At the worse this was a minor annoyance that it would be nice for Bill to change. Perhaps my anger came from other reasons. Many of my friends have been picked on because of how they smell, they have been alienated and made outcasts. While I’ll admit some of them did not smell pleasant, they had good hearts, and that is what ought to have been judged on. And perhaps my anger came from another reason. Perhaps it was because I had been in a mental hospital far too long.

The days pass in a mental hospital like slugs. My two weeks of in-patient confinement and 2-4 weeks of outpatient therapy seems now like a lifetime. Some of the people there, they didn’t deserve it. Bill told me he was sent there because he was sitting on the roof singing, heck, if I knew an easy route to my roof I might do the same. Others were sent there because of zero tolerance policies and abusive parents. Of course some of us needed to be there. Some of us needed some of the constant surveillance. Not all of the maddening rules, mind you, but some of them. Some of those people were like me, with a disease in the brain that wanted very much to kill them. Still after a week or so of in-patient therapy I was pissed off royally at the world. And so I didn’t take it when my friend was being picked on.

That alone is sort of standing up to authority, I suppose. The authority of my peers. And I am proud of the act if just for that. But one thing must be remembered about the mental hospital I was in, though nearly all of them were signed in ‘voluntary,’ we could only leave when the doctors gave the go ahead. Getting pissed off and yelling isn’t a good way to look sane.

Of course for all of the dramatics of my act it wasn’t all glamour. I hurt someone’s feeling, and I apologized for yelling. Yet I did not take back my message. Over the next week I tried my best to stick up for Bill whenever I could. Occasionally I got pissed off, though it never came to fists for me (though Bill ended up getting into two fights in the hospital, one the starter I do not know, but the second was most definitely not started by him). Still I felt like I stood against the grain, and against the sheep-makers in the mental hospital. I was his friend till he left. I suppose I stood up against authority that day, maybe, maybe I was just being a friend, I dunno, but heck, I helped Bill out, so that’s worth quite a bit.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

A good old fashioned shootout between me and my brain

Won't this be lovely?

I did not picture myself where I am now while I was at high school. Actually, thinking back, my vision for the future in high school was a blur of unrealistic dreams and grand ambitions. As I moved into college this vision slowly imploded in on itself until I was left with the void of a nagging certainty that I would die in the relative near-term.

Well, the latter is gone, least mostly so. The former though...

The height of the former unrealistic dreams of high school was me running my own island. That's not going to happen, well, it might, I'm not ruling it out, but I wouldn't count on it (then again, if I win that bet with a certain emir of Dubai...).

I've been working on a new sense of things, all and all and such.

The result is that I'm sort of working toward a creative life, trying to at least.

But here's the key, here's the key (other than doing this lame stop/start blogging):

I gotta have confidence.

I dunno know how I'm going to get that.

Yet I don't feel despair exactly, I have a general sense of the future I want and I have a general sense of a logical belief in my ability to succeed, but..

But DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But it's going to be hard. I'm going to try to do things that'll be hard for me to do. I'm going to be disappointed with my failures and poorly satisfied with my defeats. But I want a future that I can find satisfaction in, and that's going to be tough, and that's going to hurt.

Still I will conquer, for God is with me, and not even I can be against me if God is with me.

I stand at the base of the mountain, staring at a dizzing climb and I am just sighing before I begin my ascent, hopefully to where good things dwell.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Let not the sun be proud, lest I strike it from the sky

So here's a question:
If the day was destined to be a disaster, is mere survival a triumph?

But is it not a defeat to have certain days destined for disaster?

Yet this destiny was not pre-ordained. Around mid-morning I realized that for a good chunk of the day, I was most likely to be pointlessly, hopelessly sad. For no reason, except it is my nature, well, but then again, that is a nature I decided long ago to defy, by any means necessary, including...

Well, if I did take the meds, would this day be so different? There were other reasons why my day might be awful, but comparing, and weighing in how I have been dealing with things other days and...

But really, I suppose my confidence in how I have been dealing with things otherwise likely brought me to be a little lackluster in checking to make sure I had a good supply and...

Aw, let's just play the song

And as is proper the lyrics.

I gotta love the Eraserhead callout, just reminds me how much I need to see that film.

Anyways, obviously, this is a good lesson to be more careful, and given the overall lack of urgency in the day, probably an overall good occasion in the longer sense of things.

Yet still, being reminded of your biological limitations, that's never a pleasant thing. But some are born such as to demonstrate the glory of God.

And then again, perhaps all measured I'm not overall even that cursed even from the bio perspective. It's hard to measure apples vs. oranges, and there's at least that distance between each fellow man, and so it's hard to say the measure of difficulty of natural traits, still overall I'm doing okay, so...

So it's not really so bad, just need to be careful to take my meds.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Does there really have to be any reason?

I'm sure in the grand scheme of things there's a rhyme and/or a reason to everything.

But more specifically with events in my life, and feelings in my brain, I don't think there really needs to be a reason that deals with me. I mean events happen for reasons, but those reasons could largely concern the actions of other people. And with feelings...

With feelings... well, I feel like we're taught that every feeling has a reason. In this post-Freudian era, every unhappy moment has some hidden trauma behind it. Yet sometimes I think, especially with me and certain medical circumstances of mine, sometimes feelings just come on you like waves of the ocean guided by some unseen moon. It just hits you and all of a sudden you're full of anger, or full of sadness. And despite your best efforts you can't figure out why. The best you can do in a situation like that, or the best I can do, myself, is weather it out, endure the storm, and wait for the waters to calm or for your body or mind to become used to the currents.

However, sometimes feelings do have reasons. Sometimes there are hidden or not-so-hidden reasons for feelings that have to be dealt with. And sometimes it is not easy to distinguish between the completely irrational feelings and those with a core of truth to them. We are biological creatures, built with raging chemicals, but we are also creatures built from experiences (we are in the end crafted by God, but these are the means), and so while biology may explain our turbulent moods, usually the reasoning is a combo of biology and reasons. Except when the turbulent moods don't stop, you can't just say it's one or the other or both, but all of the above, mixed together. If it's not easy to sort out the mess, well, sometimes' life's not easy.

If I were to say any way out of the matter, I would be simplifying far too much. But it is best to pay attention to your emotions, to know when to resist them when they threaten to destroy your mind for no reason, but also to learn when to dissect them to find the truthful core. The best way to distinguish between the two is to pay attention to the circumstances around the emotions, if there is a reasoned core to the feelings, the same circumstances should eventually repeat themselves and revel themselves to be a trigger. And yet one should also be careful about paying too much attention to their emotions, while the unexamined life may not be worth living, neither is one devoted solely to self-obsessed introspection.

And so sometimes we are left with questions about feelings that defy attempts to answer them.

So be it.

Still we march on, for no matter how the waves might batter us, there is a glorious sunrise on the horizon.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Oops, no, I'm not going through with that reference

Sorry for the missed post, loves, but I actually had my first bad (mood-wise, and to be honest mental health-wise) night in a long while. Of course this wasn't a mental collapse, just a bad night and a rough morning. But none of that was too bad, it simply derailed my plans for the evening. Which gets me athinkin' that I should probably start doing more work in advance, because you never know when a bad night might strike. On the other hand if you plan for everything in advanced, well, I can't say what would happen to you and you should be ashamed for asking me to say that. However, I know when I put on myself the necessity to do everything in advance I simply get overwhelmed all the time, instead of just near deadlines. And yet I can't really afford to be overwhelmed near deadlines as the waiting till the last minute plan sometimes leads to.

So what to do? I could say it's a matter of balance, and I suppose it is, but no matter how you balance things, there are still going to be bad nights at bad times. With plans, everything's always a little bit of a gamble, and I really should accept that. Yet, I also think...

Really I think I probably should relax to some degree about these far away plans. What I mean to say is, I should keep some important stuff in mind, keep some lesser stuff in the background but not worry myself about everything that is worry-worthy that I might encounter in the wandering of my mind and body, because to be quite frank, the world is filled with worry-worth stuff. And with all that sort of stuff out there, the mind, the soul, the spirit needs to relax, probably in the shade if there's some shade around.

All that said, attention must be paid to important matters. But there's nothing wrong with taking a breather...

Saying all that really amounts to nothing if you think about it. So let me try to clarify, my plan (and something perhaps you should think about since I AM RAND and thus my plans should be rich and delicious food for thought for you) is to keep track of very important things. Well, let me clarify this even further by making tiers. First tier is those very important things that I need to keep track of.

First tier: Church stuff (ie, going to church every Sunday I can and holy days of obligation if I can), school stuff, job search, writing, a relatively regular social life (talking to other people in some form every couple days), making sure I relax every now and then and maintain good mental health, taking time for introspection, possibly finishing some project that's near completion, and getting some time, but not necessarily a lot of time (at least 2-4 hours in a week) for some things the second tier.

Second tier: Improving my health, improving my comp. and other skills, learning Malayalam, connecting with old friends, getting a girlfriend, in a general sense, long-term goals (which, depending on how busy my life is, or how old I've gotten, or other circumstances, might be moved up to first tier or dropped down to third tier), and random projects (which, depending on how close they are to completion or how the first tier stuff they relate to becomes more or less important, could move up to first tier or dropped down to third tier)

Third tier: Watching more movies, improving my poker game, reading more books, getting better social habits, keeping my room neat, in short, stuff that's nice/fun to do but not very important, really long-term goals of lesser importance, and some long-shot projects (some of this stuff could be moved w/ life changes).

That's my overall sense of things.
To be concise, really important things keep good track of;
lesser important things, make sure you're making progress in the long term but don't worry too much about;
slightly important or unimportant stuff, if you can do it great, if you can't don't worry about it.

Of course, such a general sense of things is still only a vague guide, and even within this vague guide there might be misplaced priorities needing tweaking.

No matter what plans of action you have, no matter how well you schedule, things are going to get messed up, least that's how I see it. So that's okay.

But when life hands you a SNAFU (situation normal: all fucked up), just press on.

After all, in the end, what matters is if you kept up the good fight for what you truly believe is right;
if at your deathbed, you still have faith in goodness;
if you keep love at the center of your heart to your moment of expiration;

if you are, knowingly or unknowingly, implicitly or explicitly, with results or without results, a follower of God.

Least that's how I see it.


Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Tell me there's a moment for me

Ah, that new semester smell. All the world's filled with possibilities and the reality of work does not lay on my back lie a two-ton rhino with a vendetta. And I have that oh-so-faintly possible hope that I might this semester actually work hard and keep on top of things. On the plus side, mentally, physically, socially, spiritually I have never (or almost never) felt better. On the minus side, I'm taking 6 classes (although 2 of which are with professors I know to be tough but interesting and fair), I'm dealing with a Princeton Review class (although that should end mid-February), I'm trying to up my writing skills and improve this webpost, I'm involved with the Rutgers Indian Christian Fellowship (who I kind of neglected last semester, unfortunately) and WRSU, as well as any other clubs I might pick up an interest in, furthermore, I had hoisted upon me the presidency of my Malankara Catholic church youth group, and I'm trying to maintain and if possible improve my social life. Looming over everything is my search for a new job and the planning I need to do for after graduation.

But calming down a bit, all those things seem feasible. Classes don't take up that much time, the P. Review classes are only 3-6 hours each weekend, the youth group presidency is lessened by the low-expectations due to our youth group's chronic inactivity, a social life once in motion tends to stay in motion and I've been getting help from a variety of sources in my job search. Moreover, on the writing side, I'm getting more discipline and finding that creativity is following the demand for work.

So things are seeming good, yet that statement always carries a little bit of terror with it. If things are good now, is the collapse of the current situation a simple inevitablity. Afterall my mental illness moves in cycles (I'm trying to simplify my search topics that you see at the bottom of the post, so in the future all my posts about mental illness will be under the topic mental health), and so what if I'm just on an up-swing. Hasn't all my past suggested that I cannot maintain good times?

Undoubtably I'm going to suffer some bad times sometime in the future, but that's simply a reflection that I've got a long future left (it's odd, about a year ago I was so worried about my mental illness that I was convinced that I was unlikely to make 30, but nowadays I actually believe in my future which probably is a very good sign). But I think I've learned from the past, and my mental abilities (some of them, although I wonder sometimes what my mental abilities would be like if I had no disease and didn't have to take medication (mental illness medication tends to cause side effects that dampen some mental abilities, I think before I started taking medication I could read faster and remember more, but then again my depression screwed up a whole lot of my mental abilities, and moreover through repeated effort I think my thinking skills are once again grade A, and anything my med.s have cost has been more than made up due to the lessening of my depressive and suicidal impulses), my coping skills, and my spiritual depth (although I don't want to claim some special spiritual gift, I am a man of devout faith and I am proud of my faith however large or small it may be in the ultimate measurement) (some people will say "I have no regrets" but I think that expression can't be taken literally, everyone has times in the past when they acted last than perfectly, yet I think what that expression really means is that they are proud of who they are now, and so they would not want to lose that by messing with their past, and so by that reckoning I have no regrets (probably)), have I think been increased, and so maybe I will face bad times, but maybe I won't be destroyed by them, maybe the next time crises hit me on the left and on the right I will avoid crumpling into a ball of intense depression.

Afterall I am RAND!!!! But more seriously, the future is always an undiscovered country, to paraphrase Star Trek VI (a very good movie if you ask me, and you should ask me, because I am RAND!!!), and I believe that while the past can foreshadow our difficulties, it does not predestine us. Furthermore, as a man of devout faith, as I have said before, I think that even the destiny that our traits and circumstances may make likely can be moved through the will of God. So my point is we are not bound by our past, and maybe I will slip into depression again, but maybe then I will become even better at dealing with my disease and with life in general and maybe then I will be able to resist any depressions after that or maybe...

Maybe, no mater what depressions I might face, I will still live my life in a fashion I can be proud of, in pursuit of rightousness, and with a heart that believes completely and utterly in God and His everylasting Love.

And maybe then, chasing the ideal above all ideals, I will rise above my past. Maybe even though I am a boat against the current borne back by the tides of the past, maybe even those tides can be navigated or broken to allow me to reach the furthest sea (drawing for this analogy from The Great Gatsby and maybe some other works of literature that is dancing about in my mind (I think the furthest sea comes from some place or other)).

Anyways, before I get too serious, let me remind you all that orange juice is a good juice and you should drink more of it (and people shouldn't manufacture watered down orange juice, I mean I admit that for shipping reasons you need concentrate, but some of the watery crap that people sell in stores... it just ain't no good, it just ain't no good).

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your hearts, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks! (I'm wondering if I should end with God Bless! instead of Goodnight Folks!, God Bless! is a good sentiment, but it sort of pegs my webpost, perhaps unfairly, as completely religious and while I like to think I talk without fear about my religion here, I also talk of other matters and so perhaps the more secular Goodnight Folks! is more appropriate, I could do both but on a regular basis that seems too bulk. Oh well, for today let me say Goodnight Folks and God Bless!

Just like the movies

I have trouble watching movies at home alone nowadays. I have such a sense of urgency about my life that when I spend too much time doing one thing my mind becomes filled with a debate about what to do, and that debate interferes with my watching movies. With tv it's somewhat different, since I watch different things in 1/2 hour segments, but it has been a long time since I saw a movie that I liked was on and just sat down and watched it end to end (well, no it hasn't been a long time, I watched Spirited Away a week or two ago but that was the exception that proved the rule since I had my family as company when I was watching, when I'm with people the movie watching feels like a social experience and so I'm less reluctant about it). I think this is the same reason why I've been reading less lately. At some point I have to calm myself down and relax and teach myself that it's ok to spend a couple hours in a row unwinding every now and then, or that treating yourself to a good movie or book is a good deed as well, since you are a good person, but for right now I am more focused on getting things in my life done and so teaching myself to relax is in second gear right now, but it's still something I'm keeping in the back of my mind.

It just takes some time, little girl

Right now, things aren't bad, in fact things are pretty good, that scares me on several levels. First level is the whole, I think something catastrophic is going to go wrong feeling. I think this happens to a lot of depressed people, they are used to the whole depressed state of mind that when they get cheered up they feel that it must eventually collapse because happy is such an unusual state of mind for them. Or at least that is the way it is for me. But lately I've had a good way of dealing with my depressive moods, before they get too bad I simply force myself to face the truth that I am ultimately in charge of my brain and that even if I feel that I am too weak to take command of my feelings God can always give me the strength I need to overcome my disease. Also, I've realized that often I give in to my disease as a means of escaping my anxieties, fears and responsibilities, if I've already given up on life I no longer need to struggle against my problems. Realizing that, I simply remind myself that I can deal with my problems and so I don't need to give up. These realizations aren't new, but I've been getting better at utilizing them. So my depressive problems aren't as bad as they used to be, but still every now and then I look at my life and think, well, things are good now, but they've been good before, but then they collapsed, so inevitably they must collapse again. I remind myself that collapse is not really inevitable but the fear remains in the back of my head, but still it's not too bad, but on the other hand that's only one level of my fear about things being good.

Another level of that fear is now that things are good I worry about being complacent or settling into a routine. Some people like routines, like stability, like getting into a good pattern and staying still in a good place. Not me, at least not really. I think perhaps if I found the right place with the right person, maybe I could be satisfied with staying still. But I don't have that, so I'm filled with this need to move, to be active, to be in motion. I feel desperate to create, to advance, to change. Things are good now and I worry that I might just stay still, treading water, until I look around and find all my opportunities have gone away and I'm deeply dissatisfied with my life.

This leads me to a third level of fear. This would be my fear of the challenges attempting to move forward always bring. When things are good, I can take on new challenges like trying to ask girls out and trying to get a better internship. And I'm worried that I'll fail if I try, or even that I'll fail at trying if I try to try. And that fear gets to me and stops me, and delays me from doing important things, but ultimately I still have my faith, I still have my hope, I still have love in my heart and so I can still overcome these things. Things are good, and I think they're going to get better. Afterall I am Rand, the mighty and glorious, and Rand's awesome. So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And when does the soothing breeze become the hurricane

I'm doing well, but I can't help but ask myself, how long can this last? Mentally and emotionally I'm as strong as I've been in a long time, but I've done well before only to see it collapse, will that come for me again? But it is best not to obsess on this, rather to use this time well and enjoy it. Times are good, so why not be happy about it?

Into the deep

I've been putting off studying and basically doing anything of worth for a while (that's not really true, I have been studying, just not as much as I should and I have been doing things, just not as much as I could). So I'm nervous. I now face the end of my junior year and my final final. But I find that while there is the temptation to retreat into depression and self-hatred I feel that I cannot go down that road anymore. If I ask myself truthfully whether I am deserving of self-hatred or whether my depression is warrented, I cannot answer yes. God is with me, He loves me, and that is all I need to prove my worth and to prove that my life is alright. Besides, things aren't actually going badly. So I'm a little nervous, so I'm procrastinating somewhat, so what, it is a problem, I have to deal with it, but it's not something major, it's nothing fatal, and I'll get over it. After all, I am Rand the mighty and glorious.

And so here's to the future, it's going to be great.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks! (I might do another post tonight, might not, we'll see, but if I don't as I said Goodnight Folks!)

Cuz it feels so empty without me

That's quite the line, thank you very much Mr. Eminem. So I haven't been posting for a while, so what want to fight about it? Now my lack of sessions could be due to my long and noble battle against the invading hordes of space mutants, or it could be that I had something of a mental breakdown this week and that just might have incompacetated me for the week. Man, I am quite the sleepy one, sleepy mcdeepy. But anyways, so I had some problems. And now I've got to deal with the recovery.

Recovery's always an interesting topic for me, because while it always tends to have a simliar outline, there are always variations every time my mind collapses and comes back together again. Common elements include my fierce resistance to the prospect of recovery due to exhaustion, depression, and obsession over my percived weakness and self-hatred, but eventually this is overcome usually by a combination of gradual mental clearing after the lowest point of my breakdown plus an acceptance of God's help in this matter. Yeah, I'm religious, and that usually is a vital element in my recovery, as it was especially so this time.

I still feel somewhat raw though, more so than usual. I find too much strain might be a little dangereous to my mood but on the other hand I do need to get stuff done, most notably the two tests and one creative writing reading that I skipped. Arrangements must be made, and one class perhaps might have to be dropped, but honestly, I'm still having some problems with social anxiety and dealing with my professors now... it will be difficult. And what about all that other crap I must deal with?

One of the questions I've never resolved with my disease is whether I should seek any sort of help academically when dealing with my disease other than just covering the breakdowns. In this case, I'm wondering if I should ask for a little extra time to recover despite the fact that I'm now able to attend classes, although my overall ability to work is questionable. But I'm a little worried about a repeat, especially as the next batch of tests isn't that far away and I'm not sure if my meds combo is that great. Another thing I must ask for is a reformulation of my grades because doing homework has been very difficult for me. Finally, I might ask for one of my classes to simply be reduced to a pass grade, because I've done practically no studying for it, done practically no work for it, and attended practically no classes, so it's a bit of a situation. Could I survive with everything normal, probably. But there is that risk of a relapse, and so I might ask for special treatment. I've always been reluctant to try that because I'm never been sure if it's right for me to get special treatment, if I deserve it, need it, or whether it would even be useful?

I probably can go on on this topic, but I am extremely tired and I'm going to have to wake up early tommorow. And honestly, I'm a little anxious about writing a long session, the longer I write, the more I feel little bits of anxiety build, and so my next sessions for the next couple days might be a little light. But whatever, I think I'm just going to wrap things up. And like I've been telling you, check out my comic: Rand, Guy of the Universe

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

HAPPY EASTER!

God Bless you all.

He has risen, He has risen indeed.

Striving towards infinity

So I've only been able to get one real post off this week, but honestly, I can claim almost (almost being the key word) legitimately to being busy. I've been going to seminars, meeting with teachers, going to class, and doing radio station stuff, working on my internship plans (damn I still need to do some work on that and soon), etc. I'm in a good mood (partially thanks to the weather which has been gorgeous these last couple days, and that really does lift up your mood) and in good moods I tend to have to clean up the crap from my bad moods as well as moving along various projects (right now my webcomic, which is starting to come together). Thankfully, few new problems have complicated my life right now, I'm actually in a good enough mood that I'm worrying a little that I might get manic. Perhaps the only bad part is that I've been having a lot of sleep problems lately, partially because I'm not sure whether my good mood will be there when I wake up.

Part of the annoying part of my mental problems (the sort of stuff which has been called manic-depressive) is that I go up and down without any clear upward or downward trajectory over long periods of time. So while my life is doing well now I'm unsure whether this is an actual upward movement or just a temporary upswing. I am sooo tired though, bad sleep patterns+caffine addiction do not equal strong energy level (I always like to leave up a session for an entire day at least so it has a chance to get seen, and so if I start my posting at a really late time, I probably will only post a new one at a really late time), also I'm still not taking care of myself that well since I'm eating badly and missing teeth brushing. Yet as my psycologist has been reminding me, what I accomplish is more important than how my feels are doing right now. So am I moving forward in my accomplishments? Well, I think I can say yes, on multiple fronts, although perhaps things aren't as good as they could be, but they are good.

So now what? I need to take advantage of this moment of lucidity since I suddenly have the ability to do what I want, and yet I must be careful not to overburden myself else I'm going to fall apart. I also should try to integrate into my life things that make me happy, which means I should try to build relationships among other things. Just as when things are bad, I have to remind myself I must push on. There's the danger when you're happy that you'll ignore all your issues and simply bask in what's making yourself happy, but there is more to life than just simple chemical bliss, if you want real satisfaction in life, yes appreciate happiness, but also use happy times to press forward with your goals in life. That's at least my plan. But I will admit happiness is nice, very nice in fact, and I'll try to keep that going, even if I'm not going to make happiness my obsession.

I think that's about enough for right now, I still have some more stuff to do, and I still need to go to sleep. So take it your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Now with more stuff! Check out: The World of Rand

Look on the sunny side of life

My friend Howard gave me a comment on my last session which I think is pretty good. He told me to look on the bright side of things and honestly I probably should. I'm a pretty good writer, I have good friends, my social life slightly (very slightly) improved last night through an incident I'm not going to talk about here. And this morning I snapped out of my depressive mood. But that said, I find it difficult to stay on the sunny side at times as my mind tends to obsesses about the things buggging me, for example today my mind has been obsessing about my unreliability, I've missed some important obligations and I've lost my backpack, and honestly I can't guarentee such things won't happen again. This all makes me wonder whether I can survive in the real world but looking on the sunny side of things, despite all my problems I've always found a way to get by and in my own little way thrive, even if it's not in the way I might have wanted. Anyways, it's late and I'm tired, and I've become somewhat down, well not down but blank and unmotivated, so I'm not doing a new session, rather I'm giving a pre-made one, but it is a pretty good pre-made session so I hope you enjoy it.