Feeling Stupid? I know I am!

Damn it you're right Mr. Homer Simpson, sometimes you got to take stupid risks (Lost Our Lisa), either that or smart risks, whichever floats your boat.

Least that's how I felt about Friday-ish. (Four days of the week, she thinks I'm the enemy... (Days of the Week by Stone Temple Pilots, an under-appreciated gem.)) (For those of you who may have noticed the stark change in tone between Friday's post and Monday's post, this explains things somewhat but there's also the matter of the random and eclectic nature of this blog.) And so I took a risk which I was assured was reasonable, though I thought it would be stupid, and as it turned out... well, the results don't actual tell whether or not the risk itself is stupid, that has more to do with the probability. But in the end, the risk ended in failure and violent emotional stirrings, etc. It was a painful moment.

Here's a nice song that part-matches how I feel. The ambiguity of the narrator and the addressed makes it a bit difficult to align with my feelings, but anyways: One Headlight by the Wallflowers.

Now that line: "So long ago I don't remember when/that's when they say I lost my only friend."

That always gets to me.

But another lines that particularly resounded with me Friday were:

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
Theres got to be something better than
In the middle

(Here are the full lyrics for the song)

Little flashback (I'm always ambivalent about getting particular with times on this blog, because on the one hand it makes things easier to explain, more accurate, and more personal, on the other hand it might lead people to certain wrong conclusions about events and it may be too self-centered/diary-ish. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained). Last week, I invented a new phrase to capture how I was feeling (because I'm just that awesome): half-blooded. And if I could give a try to explicate why, perhaps it was because I was in a sort of middlish-place. I was looking at the prospects of very little risk calculated or otherwise, and I found myself envisioning a future somewhat like that.

It's hard to say for sure, since all memories of the past are tainted in hindsight, but I think I had sort of focused myself on a certain course for the future. Essentially it was a simple step-by-step process for my life:

• graduate with a decent though not immensely great grade point average (my assumption was around 3.6 which may still be the case, but now I'm a little bit more worried grade-wise).


• find a job with decent pay, non-high stress, moderate hours, any job really fitting those criteria (I'm still pretty open in my job search which is kind of bugging me and perhaps I should focus things more).


• get involved with whichever community and church I settle in and join hobby groups and make friends and such


• get a wife and kids


• the rest should probably take care of itself from there...

That's not a bad plan for life. It covers security, family, and some fun (of course it is an immensely vague plan which may explain how much it covers). Yet it is a plan that I was looking at because it essentially gave no risk. Basically after the ups and downs of recent years, a part of me wanted to just fall into some rut, nestle into there and never emerge, and that's why I liked this path. That's not to say it's a bad path or that others shouldn't choose it or that even I might not end up on it. I may end up on this path. But if that's the case I'd like it to be because I find the family+friends+community+church+ok job life and I've become enamored with it, not because I went to it through inertia or through fleeing from risk.

So when Friday I took a stupid (or maybe reasonable) risk that was only tangentially related to the whole "what's my future going to be?" question and it filled me with such full and vibrant emotions, even if they were savagely sad ones (here's a song for that: Interstate Love Song by Stone Temple Pilots), it made me feel alive again. Really alive.

The thing with feeling half-blooded as I defined it, is it's a lot of emotion with no direction, but after taking that risk I felt alive again, and the emotions now had directions, they went up, down, sideways, etc., but they were real and full.

And suddenly I felt like I was part of the real world again, an active person, a dynamic, changing person once again, whose future is not set in stone and may end in disaster but might end in glory. Maybe I do need to keep fail-safes and checks and safety-nets, etc. for my life, but that doesn't mean I can't take risks. Indeed, I do all that so that I can take risks. So that I can aim for the stars, in my own little ways. All and always though, in the service of the Lord.

My problems aren't gone. Indeed some are worse now that I've taken once more this active (and thus time-consuming) attitude toward life. But it's better than in the middle.

And I think I can make it home, with one headlight.

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Far from home; Always home

A couple days ago I mentioned feeling half-blooded. I explained the term there, but essentially I've been feeling that way for a week or two while slipping into out-and-out depression occasionally and occasionally into half-excited hopefulness.

And at the core of things, I've been feeling quite lonely.

There's many reasons for this and I've gotten into them before and I'll probably rehash them in a more coherent form soon, but key to this feeling is a sense I don't belong anywhere or with anyone.

But going to mass today, with the sermon, and the profession of faith, and the Eucharist most importantly, reminded me that I belong to the kingdom of God and to God, Himself. It's something essential I need to remember.

Thus while I am far from home, I shall reach it someday, and yet in fact I am always at home, for Jesus is in my soul and He is always with me. No matter what happens, the Lord remains, and He is always with me and thus I need not fear.

Now I can't say that knowing this and remembering this will take away all my pain or solve all my problems, things aren't that simple. My feelings of anxiety, depression, umbness and half-blooded-ness still remain and in fact I may find that this phase of half-blood-ness isn't really over yet, but in the end that doesn't matter. For the Lord still remains, and He is with me, and with Him I belong.

And if I can't remember that always, I will try, always.

Thanks be to the holy Lord.

God Bless!

Does there really have to be any reason?

I'm sure in the grand scheme of things there's a rhyme and/or a reason to everything.

But more specifically with events in my life, and feelings in my brain, I don't think there really needs to be a reason that deals with me. I mean events happen for reasons, but those reasons could largely concern the actions of other people. And with feelings...

With feelings... well, I feel like we're taught that every feeling has a reason. In this post-Freudian era, every unhappy moment has some hidden trauma behind it. Yet sometimes I think, especially with me and certain medical circumstances of mine, sometimes feelings just come on you like waves of the ocean guided by some unseen moon. It just hits you and all of a sudden you're full of anger, or full of sadness. And despite your best efforts you can't figure out why. The best you can do in a situation like that, or the best I can do, myself, is weather it out, endure the storm, and wait for the waters to calm or for your body or mind to become used to the currents.

However, sometimes feelings do have reasons. Sometimes there are hidden or not-so-hidden reasons for feelings that have to be dealt with. And sometimes it is not easy to distinguish between the completely irrational feelings and those with a core of truth to them. We are biological creatures, built with raging chemicals, but we are also creatures built from experiences (we are in the end crafted by God, but these are the means), and so while biology may explain our turbulent moods, usually the reasoning is a combo of biology and reasons. Except when the turbulent moods don't stop, you can't just say it's one or the other or both, but all of the above, mixed together. If it's not easy to sort out the mess, well, sometimes' life's not easy.

If I were to say any way out of the matter, I would be simplifying far too much. But it is best to pay attention to your emotions, to know when to resist them when they threaten to destroy your mind for no reason, but also to learn when to dissect them to find the truthful core. The best way to distinguish between the two is to pay attention to the circumstances around the emotions, if there is a reasoned core to the feelings, the same circumstances should eventually repeat themselves and revel themselves to be a trigger. And yet one should also be careful about paying too much attention to their emotions, while the unexamined life may not be worth living, neither is one devoted solely to self-obsessed introspection.

And so sometimes we are left with questions about feelings that defy attempts to answer them.

So be it.

Still we march on, for no matter how the waves might batter us, there is a glorious sunrise on the horizon.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Can't Stop, Addicted to... THE RAND SHOW!!!

By the way (couldn't resist putting a link to the music video for that one") Can't Stop is a pretty awesome song (and here's the music video for Can't Stop). As a general rule: RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to the meat of the matter. If you've been attentive dear readers you might have noticed that my posting of late has been pretty crappy. Well, that's largely because I've been feeling pretty crappy. Yesterday, in particular was a very bad day. But by the end of the day I was able to revive with a little help from a friend in a high place. (I'm talking about God if you didn't get that (here's the verse from the Bible about Jesus calling us friends, not slaves)). However, the effect of that matter has been a couple fold.

First of all, it has reminded me that I am not well, and that I need to remember to utilize all my resources for help (if anyone, particularly any Christian Scientists in the crowd, find a contradiction between me having God help me deal with my health problems, but also relying on medicine and therapy, well, I'd like to just say, God creates these means for helping His children, if we are good kids, we'll use that help). Mainly I need to see my psych. resources. Also, I need to establish a good consistent contact with my friends. Also, it wouldn't hurt to do a little romantic exploration. More and more, although I know I have God at my side, and I know I have good friends, and I know that I have a sense of mission in life, I am becoming more certain that I'd like to have a woman to share my life with. But that is a long quest and should not be seen as a quick fix by any means.

Secondly, I have realized that I have been taking on too much of late. Now I have certain core responsibilities which I can't skimp on or which I could skimp on but I'd really hate to do so. Those are:

Church of course, but despite what some might say, that obligation is not heavy;

School, I want to graduate by the end of the semester and I want to try for some nice grades, although with my current grade point average I can stand a few B's, and it is also a possibility to take one less course and finish things during the summer.

WRSU, I really like the radio station, and it helps me with my future career plans.

My Church group, MCYM NJ chapter (here's the website I made for them), I never really wanted to be president of the group, but I find that there's a lot of good stuff I can do with them as president with not too much effort.

ICF, the Indian Christian Fellowship, I neglected it last semester and they're really good folk who I'd like to establish good friendships with.

My normal social contacts: poker, having occasional contacts, and maybe trying out some romantic leads.

But I got to say some things I need to trim a little, as the stuff above is a pretty full plate. While I want to put some effort into a job search, I can't stress myself out too much about it. I'd like to expand my social portfolio, but I don't have time for as much party planning as I'd like. I have a whole lot of side projects, but I got to remember to keep them on the side. Also, there are a lot of nice stuff to do around Rutgers, but I got to limit the activities I do to what I can handle.

So the question arises: Why keep up with the Rand Show?

Well, the answer is this: The Rand Show is mine. It's my work, it's good work, and it's something where I feel myself keeping up with my creative side and driving myself forward.

Part of the problem with the crappiness I've been feeling lately is that I've been running constantly from one obligation to another. Inevitably I've messed up with some of those, but more importantly, I've lost some control of my life. Given the fact that my life isn't really chasing my dreams right now, losing control and losing the time for the outlets of my creativity made me feel like my life was useless, pathetic, and no longer belonged to me. That's crap really, I mean I chose my obligations and I chose to abide by them, but I think for the health of my soul and mind I need to have some control over things and I need to be creative.

And so I can't stop The Rand Show. Don't you feel fortunate?

Anyways, while I have to dial back my obligations a little, that doesn't mean I'm discarding them. A lot of times when I have said "I need to relax more," I basically stopped doing anything. But I do have obligations that I want to or have to abide by and to stop doing them would just be counter-productive and stupid. Being too scared to do what I need to do is also a loss of control. So what I'm building up to here is...

I need to go. I'm having lunch with my little sis, because one of the obligations that I desperately want to abide by is my obligation to be a good family member. So I need to be off, but remember I SHALL RETURN (like MacArthur I take those words seriously).

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

In the body in the mind in the stomach

Now for something a little different.
Buh-awug-awuga.
That's actually not something very different from my regular persona, but I said something a little different not very different. But moving on from that, I find myself wondering how exactly to start my intended topic without sounding monumentally whiny. Perhaps my difficulty in doing so is a warning that I should not attempt it since perhaps the topic is inherently whiny and so perhaps I should go with something else. But the medium of webpost (my replacement word for blog, because blog is such an ugly, ugly word) is by its nature a hit or miss forum, it is designed for the easy expression of thoughts and emotions, not all thoughts and emotions, even those that might appear useful might not actually be useful. But if I am too cautious, I can not maintain a steady flow of posts and the webpost will transform into nothing but a collection of rough, unpolished essays and not very many of them. The frequent schedule of the webpost has been vital in keeping me writing and I'd very much dislike to end that, and so I press on into the unknown or the known whichever.

Anyways, a thought which has occurred to me lately, often, is I don't take good care of my body. I eat badly, don't exercise enough, drink too much caffine, are careless about germs, I don't brush at night (I do do so during the day, mostly), I don't sleep much and I eat at odd times. Now much of this can be explained rationally. I eat badly much of the time because I like good food over healthy food. I am also supremely lazy and extremely casual, and this does not lend itself to the formal habits of taking care of myself well. But I think sometimes it's more than a matter of that. Take my brushing habit for example. Now brushing is a small thing and honestly while I might forget about it every now and then if it was just a matter of laziness I would still brush most of the time. But rather when I even think of brushing my teeth at night I freeze up. I get filled with anxiety. It suddenly occurs to me that if I try to brush now I'll be committing myself to brush in the future. Moreover it seems almost as a commitment to self improvement. And then as I face this anxiety I face the continuing self doubt about my ability to conquer my anxiety. And then there is a feeling within me that hates any idea of self improvement and seeks any chance for me to harm myself (the slow decay of my teeth being one of those opportunities)

When I'm depressed the fullness of this becomes apparent. I stop brushing, I stop bathing, I stop eating except when I force myself (often I trick myself by pretending that I'm eating food just to give in to my base appetite) and even then I eat mostly food that's very bad for me.

I suppose what it comes down to is I need to put caring for my body as one of the things I need to force myself to do when I'm depressed, just like going to school and work. After all, I have many things to do in the world before I die.

But it is an open question as to how much of a degree of taking care of my body I want to engage in. My basic plan now is enough to stay healthy (I'm not really doing that right now because I've been pushing off my lyme disease testing for way to long), and enough to be comfortable with myself. But I suppose I should add to that enough to attract a girl.

Because like I said before, most men in the world keep their appearances up just to attract women, and those that don't are mostly arrogant or gay. Mostly.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Sleepy and the sleepy

My energy is well, low, which sucks. But well, I'm tired. And yet, and yet, I've got a good deal of work to do. But the situation remains as it is, and despite my lack of energy I must still work on. Still it occurs to me that eventually I might have to deal with my chronic lack of energy. Perhaps I'll start taking a stimulant, especially since I'm already sort of self-medicating with caffine. But for now, I'm just working tired, I'm still driving but at least I'm not operating heavy machinery.