My dreams, they`ve got a kiss me, 'because I don't get sleep

As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, my sleep has rarely been due to my mad busy-ness (or lack there of as the moment may demand). Thus "Feel Good Inc" has always had a special resonance on that line (Lyrics here).

More usually, my lack of sleep is deeply intertwined with my mental health. Sleep to some degree is an instrument my depression can use to prick my comfort, but there is also a rational aspect of my insomnia. Deep in the night, my work is done, new work is far away in the hours until the day. And moreover, I am in control of my world deep in the night, no one directing me here, there or the yet third direction, and so on beyond. But perhaps, a more cowardly way of looking at it, I am alone deep in the night, hours past my last interaction with someone, hours until my next, and I am free of the inevitable stress and pain of those interactions, and yes I feel the fear that comes from knowing that the stress and pain is coming upon the morning.

And so my instinct is not to sleep. But instinct can go to hell. Screw cowardliness, screw control, screw work and its avoidance, to live, to live and to serve God, I am going to need some sleep. And so screw all that which stands between, and indeed I must now begin my march toward sleep.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

The sleepy

Not an auspicious start to my restart, eh old start? But start start start start start...
I am sleepy, and so I shall go to sleep, but I will return, or if not, what dreams may come...

On the road of life, watch where you're fuckin' going

Ladies, gentlemen, and germs of all shapes, sizes, genders, and kingdoms (especially you Mr.Ecoli, by the way I loved your last play), welcome to the show that never ends, The Rand Show! (not to be confused with the other show that never ends, something that Emerson, Lake and Palmer were talking about.) Anywho I write this having narrowly escaped death, since the universe did not implode, and it could at any moment now. On a slightly less death-defying note, but one which could have been if not deadly still much much worse than it was (it would have been, could have been worse than you would ever know), I got involved in a car accident. As the matter transpired very little damage was done, no injuries and while the ending monetary payments have not been made I'm unlikely to recieve any insurance penalties for this (unless the insurance company reads this session, but if they do I'm just glad that they are reading).

Now I could simply go into excuses, I was extremely tired from the promotion event I just did, I've been having insomnia, my medication's tireding me out somewhat, but honestly looking at the matter I can see that the mistake was my fault and it could have been prevented on several levels.

First of all, I could have not taken the promotion event job which I knew would require me waking up at four AM given my insomnia lately and my overall tired state. Given all that it would have made sense that driving would be dangerous with so little sleep and I should have said sorry but no. My justification is that I hadn't done a job for them for a while, but given my current state that isn't enough.

Second of all, I played Settlers with my brothers until around 1 am. My justication is that I forgot about the event, which is a pretty poor excuse any day of the week.

Third of all, I should have had a diet coke in the car while I was driving, true I drank caffine filled beverages before I drove but if I had it in the car I could have given myself an emergency boost.

Fourth of all, I should have pulled over, maybe got something to eat and drink when I was feeling that tired.

Fifth of all, I should make it a rule not to try to pass someone unless I'm fully alert.

Now why all this analysis, is it a matter of crushing guilt (as usually mistakes are with me)? No, actually not. I do feel guilty and I am sorry (people get pissed when you say sorry for a major mistake nowadays, but really what more is there to say in situations like this? It was all my fault? Same general expresssion except there are certain circumstances where even if you might need to be more sorry than the other person but the blame still must be shared. You can say it won't happen again, but with a major mistake isn't it a given that you're going to try to stop it from happening again, and honestly it's rare that you can ever guarentee something won't happen again. Overall, sorry is usually the most appropriate word after a major mistake even if it is often annoying to hear when you're the one who suffers from the mistake), however, I do not feel the crushing guilt I felt, say after my previous car accident (again not fatal, but with more damage than this one). But if a person is sorry I think he shouldn't simply ignore what has been done and push it aside, but rather think about why the mistake happened and what can be done to prevent it in the future (if someone doesn't want to hear sorry you could tell them all the things you're going to do to prevent the mistake from happening in the future (if you can think of any besides trying harder) but that can often take a long time and just irritate the other guy more).

So that's what I'm doing, I'm looking back and thinking like a wild man chasing the wind. Well, since I've started to cease to make as much sense as a wombat in a wildebeast cage it probably is time for me to wrap things up and get some much needed sleep (perhaps what I can take most from this is my need for sleep, but given that my various reasons that I have problems sleeping at night have not gone away and that I've been trying to get more sleep for some time now, I'm not sure how much will get done on that front).

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!