A meditation on Archimedes to satisfy the needy

Why Archimedes is Awesome

• Started calculus
  
• Made the best estimate of pi up to that time
  
• Was completely in love with math
  

Archimedes has always been a figure who impressed and intrigued me. I got an opportunity in 11th grade to really explore him and that led me to writing an essay on him and the depth of his love of math. His life is a model of beautiful passion, something we are all capable of but which many of us are afraid to explore.

Eureka!
An essay for American Literature class

Written 1/1/02

Few men have understood the glory of living. Thorton Wilder calls those few “poets and saints.” While not all poets and not all great men truly understand this glory, some understand and that is what compels them to do great things. They understand that every moment is worthwhile, that the grimmest part of life is still life and is still beautiful. Most will never have that understanding, most understand only after they can look back on their entire life, and that can only happen at death. “It takes life to love Life,” Edgar Lee Masters once wrote. And for most that is true, but for a very few, understanding comes naturally and it makes them glorious. One of these great men was Archimedes¹ of Syracuse. He was an ancient Greek mathematician, considered to be one of the three greatest mathematicians of all time² (Golba, online). He revolutionized math in the ancient world and his contributions directly inspired new discoveries more than a 1000 years after his death. The elegance and beauty of math and pure logic amazed him. He was always contemplating the magnifigance of the universe in his symbols and numbers. He loved truth, understanding, and figuring out things. Math was his passion and he served his passion well (O’Connor and Robertson, online). Archimedes will always be remembered, because he could connect a grain of sand with the universe, and figure the mind of God plus or minus a sin function. Archimedes understood the beauty of life and that made him a very great man.

Archimedes was born around the year 287 BC. His father, Phidias, was a Greek astronomer, and he raised him in a house of math (Bendick 1). His city was Syracuse, a major city on Sicily, and a bustling seaport. He was likely related to the king of Syracuse, King Hiero II (Rorres, online). This suggests that he was moderately wealthy and so it’s not surprising he had enough to travel to Alexandria to study math in all its shapes and forms (Bendick 24). Math as a science was just beginning (Benedick 16). However, it was growing and mathematicians were gathering their information together in Alexandria; thus started for the first time a mathematical community (Bendick 26). Archimedes joined this community and dug in to every field he could. This was the beginning of Archimedes’ long and amazing career in math. He began sending out work to his colleages and gained a reputation for being top-notch. He eventually left Alexandria, leaving behind a considerable legacy including the Archimedes screw, an irrigation device (O’Connor and Robertson, online). He returned to Syracuse, but his math work did not stop. He became an expert engineer, revolutionizing the field of the lever, creating pulleys upon pulleys upon pulleys, and building some of the largest catapults the world had ever seen. He even once created, some say, a reflective mirror that burned enemy ships (Rorres, online). Most of his inventions went straight to the war room where King Hiero and his successors used them in Syracuse’s ongoing wars with Rome, a power just beginning to bloom (Golba, online). Archimedes’ inventions³ saved Syracuse the initially from a powerful seige, but Syracuse was taken by a suprise attack by Rome and was conquered (Rorres, online). Archimedes died when Rome took over Syracuse, killed by a soldier, despite orders that said to spare the mathematician’s life (Bendick 128).

While Archimedes was known for his inventions, that wasn’t his field of choice (Golba, online). His greatest works were in the fields of arithmetic, geometry, and physics. Nine of his works have survived, On plane equilibriums (two books), Quadrature of the parabola, On the sphere and cylinder⁴ (two books), On spirals, On conoids and spheroids, On floating bodies (two books), Measurement of a circle⁵, The Method, and The Sandreckoner. It is known that he did much more; his name is used in many, many works of his contemporaries and his successors. He developed the basis of integral calculus, he examined every geometric shape from the spiral to the circle. And yet Archimedes also treasured the ideas of others, using some of the newest of the time, like the sun-centered universe⁶ (O’Connor and Robertson, online). He loved ideas and the truth. Archimedes went far beyond just proving new math to be true, he wrote his methods down for the ages, and he also invented a new numeral system to express numbers that Greek numerals couldn’t. This number system came in handy when Archimedes calculated the number of sands of grain needed to fill the universe⁷, or at least the concept of the universe at the time (O’Connor and Benedict, online). This was not practical but it was a work of love, for Archimedes truly treasured the order and logic of the universe through math.

Archimedes’ art was math and he loved his art. Yet math is not an art of creation, it is an art of discovery. The laws of math have been true since the beginning of existence and Archimedes reveled in them. He would go without eating, start scribbling while bathing, writing down math as fast as he could. If he could ever find a surface to draw upon, even if it was simply the dirt with a twig he would start drawing figures (Golba, online). In the end these figures led to his death. Accounts of his death⁸ claim that he was scribbling math in the dust during the invasion of Syracuse when he was confronted by a Roman soldier, he told the soldier “don’t disturb my figures” and the enraged soldier killed him (Rorres, online). Archimedes was in such rapture about the joys of discovering new truth that he did not noticed the burning of his city around him. He did love his city and gave it some of his finest inventions, but math was his true love and so he could not waste time fretting over a city when the secrets of the universe were at stake. It was through this love that he loved life. He found that the universe had in it unlimited wonder and was continuously trying to find that wonder through math. His love of math was his love of life, his math was but an expression of life’s logic. Archimedes worked to his last moment, savoring every second, and then died forever a mathematician in love with the order of the universe.

Archimedes lived a life of math. Being a mathematician was nothing special especially with an astronomer for a father. Yet he is the greatest of all the mathematicians of antiquity, perhaps of all time. He figured out the relationship between the volumes of a sphere and a cylinder, he figured out the workings of water displacement, he understood the secrets of conics and a great deal more (Rorres, online). He was great, but what drove him was a love of math. This love of math was a forever wonder about the mysteries of life, and in this way Archimedes understood life.

1-Archimedes was his full name, most Greeks only had one name (Bendick 1)

2- The other two are Newton and Gauss (Golba online)

3-In addition to the inventions already mentioned Archimedes employed a large metal contraption that would rake ships at sea, he also booby traped the walls of Syracuse (Rorres, online)

4-This work concerned the ratio between the two and Archimedes requested that ratio be engraved on the door of his tomb (Golba, online)

5-In this book he calculated the most accurate pi at the time (Bendick 91)

6-Archimedes used the universe constructed by his father, Eudoxus, and Aristarchus, (O’Connor and Robertson, online). He later made a mechanical model of this universe that lasted 200 yr.s (Benedict 78)

7-the number of grains needed to fill the universe is approximately 8*10^16 (O’Connor and Robertson, online)

8-One account says he was carrying mathematical equiment that looked like gold and that is why he was killed (Rorres, online)

Works Cited

Bendick, Jeanne. Archimedes and the Door of Science. Warsaw, North Dakota: Bethlehem Books. 1995.

O’Connor, J. J., Robertson, E. F. “Archimedes of Syracuse.” January, 1999. University of St.Andrews. Online. Internet. Dec 21, 2001.

Golba, Paula. “Archimedes.” 1994. Interactive Real Analysis, ver. 1.9.3. Online. Internet. Dec 21, 2001.

Rorres, Chris. “Archimedes Home Page.” 1995. Drexel University. Online. Internet. Dec 21, 2001.

Good Archimedes links

Good overview

Lots of info

A Good starter

Archimedes writings

The Melancholy of Haruhi Redux

(I previously had this post using my full name, but because of the whole companies searching for my name to check me out and then reacting badly to the medical/mental stuff here, I had to take it out. It sucks, it's not how things, but F-ing A-, that's the way the world is.)
(I love using my middle name to give a phrase a little bit more gravitas.
And a word such as melancholy has been overused so much, one must add a dash of gravitas to bring out its true essence.)

Because melancholy's a little bit more than that whiny-ness it's so often associated with, it's about a profound disconnect from the world and from that which gives people joy in life. Melancholy's not a fun place to be...

But it is sometimes a fun place to watch, at least in the case of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. As I said in that review of the show, I can identify with her melancholy. She has the loneliness of anonymity. If you're just one out of millions of millions, why do you matter? Why do the people around you matter? Why should you bother with happiness? And the natural laws of population say that there are millions and millions of humans, and they're never that far away from you. It's natural to feel a melancholy, and even if it's masked by a manic lust for excitement driven by a desperation for a source of uniqueness, that melancholy, it's absolutely horrible.

And I said I could relate to Haruhi's feelings, and I can. But I have a reply to those feelings and so does the show. Since I'm going to talk about the latter as well as the former, prepare for spoilers.

Or to make it more clear Warning: Spoilers.

By the beginning of the show, Haruhi, in response to her melancholy has discarded all normal human relations, all normal human activities, and all normal human impulses, because she is determined to find the abnormal, and so she'll only bother to become interested with things which defy the normal world, such as aliens, esp-ers, and time-travelers.

Yet her approach at the beginning of the show is rather self-defeating, because instead of being guided towards the weird, she is isolated from even the normal. All that's left to do is sit bored and stare out the window. But Kyon, our intrepid, if foolishly impulsive, hero boldly begins to talk to her and mentions that those dissatisfied with the world are doomed, unless they're an extraordinary few who change the world.

So Haruhi is determined to become one of those few. So she organizes a club like none her school has seen before. Its mission is to seek out aliens, esp-ers, and time-travelers, and have fun with them!

That's certainly a response to the melancholy that possesses her. And it's a response that makes sense. Instead of waiting for the strange, go out and find it. Instead of resigning yourself to be normal in a normal world, make your world extraordinary and become extraordinary.

And that approach works... to an extend. I suppose I adopted that approach to a degree during my high school year, or even before. I wanted to seek adventure and get all my friends to help me. I even drew up the club papers for John Corp, which isn't too far away from the SOS Birgade. I had a dream of a personal army who would seek out the dangerous, the glorious, and the righteous, and would reform my school and would run businesses and would implement my revolutionary new ideas and would fight the drug culture and... yes I did dream of fighting the melancholy.

But there is a problem with that approach. The world is very hard to change. And when you do change it, the change is always small compared to the bigger changes the world inflicts on itself. To make matters worse, you can't always control the changes you make to the world. Perhaps I hold myself too harshly for this, but during freshman year I ran for Class Treasurer (actually originally I had planned to run for Class President but a pal of mine convinced me to run for Treasurer while he ran for President, ensuring that there was only one male in each category, so that while the female vote splintered, the male vote was concentrated... essentially we rigged the election... awesomely), and my approach was three-pronged. I gave an impassioned speech outlining my plans, my enthusiasm and my reasons for service. Then I did a rap and did a dance. Yep.

To add to things, several friends of mine had written J-O-H-N on their chests and took off their shirts. In short, I raised the bar on showmanship for the high school election.

Yet every year after that, it seemed like speeches became less and less about issues and more about jokes, till finally senior year a cabinet full of funny, good-natured, but lazy jokers were elected. Events went unorganized. Our school phonebook, once renown for its terrific art (including once a cover by me), was left with crude last minute scribblings. Our finances stagnated and our once grand senior trip plans had to be cut up (to a degree, exactly to what degree I can't remember, it was 4 years ago). In short competence had gone out of student government.

I think I blame myself too much for this, since a few years before I came to high school, a kid made an election speech focusing on a twinkie, and overall no one respected the student government. But I didn't help matters, at least in the respect of student council respectability. The changes we want to make are often very different than the changes we make.

That's not to say don't try to change the world. Heck, I'm still trying, I manage at any given time 4 or 5 side projects, most of which amount to nothing, but all of which aim to become part of something grand. Besides, the world has a lot that needs to be changed. War, hate, apathy. And we can fill the world with love and hope and faith and grandeur and dreams. Heck, I love big dreams, just like Haruhi.

But like I said, there are limits to her approach, which I think she finds as well in the show. Despite forming her club, she finds that she can't get enough members or attention. And although she herself is actually quite extraordinary with the ability to shape reality to her will, the changes she inflicts can often be quite destructive to those she cares about. In fact, by the end of the season she comes quite close to destroying the world.

Yet, if changing the world is a messy, unpredictable, and immensely slow process, a truly melancholy person can often find even in extraordinary times, things aren't extraordinary enough, despite all his or her trying.

And I've felt that too.

But the show and I can agree on two other replies. First is the reply of people. While Haruhi's club doesn't change the world, and while she never (at least so far, there's another season being produced and more books (the series is based on some books) being written) realized that she is in fact secretly surrounded by aliens, esp-ers, and time-travelers, she does acquire friends. And if friends don't make you truly extraordinary, it does allow you to feel extraordinary for moments, and it gives you relationships where each one is uniquely shaped. It's not everything, but sometimes good relationships are better than even an extraordinary world. That's the show's primary answer.

The show has a secondary answer it visits upon more briefly. If you can't become extraordinary everywhere and for all time, it is still possible to become extraordinary in certain moments and certain times. But it requires working through the ordinary. And thus something as simple as a fun band to play in on the side can become an opportunity for a moment of truly extraordinary thrill. Even if there's a lot of normal in this universe, if you look hard, you can find there's a lot of spots of extraordinary as well.

These are, as far as I can see, the show's answers to Haruhi's melancholy. To that I would add the thing that saved me more than anything else from my melancholy (not to say I'm entirely cured of it, but I can handle it, and I couldn't before, and besides, a little melancholy (mind you a little), isn't so bad).

God has always been there for me. Having His light shine down on me, having Him love me, having God, the most... that's something extraordinary. There's your unique. He will hold you close for your every moment, and to Him you are something absolutely precious.

What's more, understand that the world's in His hands gives you a different perspective. You don't need to save the world... I mean you can't really, the world's far too big for you, but not for God, and He's doing the best He can. Now the world's still got problems, and there are reasons for that (the need for free will, the need for individuality, the need for diversity, etc.), and there are mysteries involved as well. Yet even though you still might want to change the world, you don't need to worry about it not being made good enough, God's still out there, and if you trust Him, things will be all right in the end. That's not to say tears are something bad or wrong, but out there waiting is a joy so profound it defies all melancholy.

Yet even if you're not religious, perhaps you can find a taste of that profound joy in the taste of love. For God's spirit moves through love, and perhaps in a kind world, a hug, or... a kiss... one can find that a bit of that absolutely... extraordinary... presence and find that even melancholy can be defeated.

Although I doubt The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya will echo my religious thoughts, I do think it believes in the power of love, and maybe that will be enough to save Haruhi too from the depths of her melancholy.

Anywho, just to remind you guys, I gave the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya a 8/10 and I look forward to seeing the next season whenever it comes over to the English-speaking world.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

The Man from Tallahasse

Sometimes syllables just go together. It just rolls off your tongue don't it?

The reference is actually to an episode/character of Lost (and to make matters clear, here's a music video featuring The Man From Tallahasse (the character that is, none of those scenes are from the episode of that name)) and I plan to do a whole bunch of stuff about Lost later since the show has somehow, despite my disappointments managed to draw me back in.

But otherwise I've got to say I've over all been feeling a lot more out than in.

Not a perfect transition, and with the great and glorious Rand they can all be winners, but I have not the time and/or the energy and/or the care, and I'm decently satisfied with that transition, even though now it's been derailed into a rough break. Oh 'twell.

Anywho, I've found myself low stressed lately. Oddly so because I've been dealing with some high stress situations with only mixed results. Take for example this morning/last night. I slashed them together because I did not sleep last night (or well, I did take a nap for two hours or so, but it wasn't anything more than I would take during a normal work-day), yet despite my successful all-nighter (usually I have to struggle a lot more to pull an all-nighter) I only barely finished 10 pages of unedited half-gibberish historical essay (for a teacher who points out before hand that he grades partially on proper form) as well as just finishing 3 pages of un-collated short story strung out over 6 copies. I will not go into the exact details of the mess because if they are not boring to read, they are at least boring to write about.

That level of productivity itself is not too shameful; it's not fantastic but it's not horrible. But I feel like I definitely could have done more, especially since I spend a good chunk of time watching episodes of Lost (while I was paying attention through most of the 1st season and I kept up with a good chunk of the second season, by the beginning of the third season the show was dead to me; however, I occasionally would check in on it through the posts of the illustrious Mr. Sepinwall, and after he said that the third season finale was awesome, I was like dude, sweet). Yet still it's better than I've done on other occasions.

So up to that point, no real sign of oddly low stress levels, but I did find myself a bit calmer than I should be when I was late for class and facing the prospect of handing in an unedited paper. But the real sign of the low stress is that I did not try to get out of handing-in the paper un-edited. I could have sneaked off to the computer lab and snuck the paper into the pile at the end of the class, but that kind of last-minute weaseling, which I have practiced most of my school career and which I think is a necessary part of any good school career, suddenly seemed very servile.

I suppose it's since I'm graduating soon, and I'm graduating with a decent GPA (unless I horrifically mess up this semester and maybe even if, as long as the New Brunswick administration actual does its job on a certain matter again too boring (on either writing or reading level, pick which one makes you feel better) to get into percisely), and moreover it's the beginning of the semester... so what if I get marked off on this essay. I actually sort of wanted to hand in the unedited version even though I asked for permission to edit it and email it to him, since the unedited version goes into some cool alternate history speculation that would likely be cut if I was being organizationally strict.

I want to get a good grade on that paper, I really do, but ultimately I don't care too much about it. Nor do I care that much about a homework assignment I missed while completing the two more lengthy and important ones before. Well, I do care, and I do worry, and I am a bit concerned right now about the sleep I'm going to miss finishing up the homework I have for tomorrow. But school is not pressing down on me too much.

Nor is in fact, this webpost. I want it to do well, but in the end, it not being done well is not too big of a problem, I have the future to perfect the art, and with two new webposts in incubation, there is a lot of prospect to the future. But no real tension, no real deadline. There's graduation and I need to watch myself so I graduate well, but...

After that then what?

Living I suppose.

Even without definite medium term goals (I have my long term of ultra-success, I have my short term of graduation, there's just that gap in the middle), there's still certain contours of my life. Friends, writing, gaining skills, etc. But there's no pressing need for immediate cash, immediate job success, or even immediate publishing. And that is refreshing and relieving but also...

It makes me feel a bit lost as well. I'm used to seeing a goal ahead of me and charging to it until my body and mind give way (best example: finals time when I stress myself to breaking and indulge in all the unhealthy habits I can imagine to maximize efficiency) (or at least that's how it seems to me right now, even when we look back on our short-term past, our current mind-set colors our memories), this is new and a bit disorienting. Perhaps I might take some time to get used to it, or perhaps I might indulge it. Eventually I need those medium-term goals to get towards my long-term goals, but perhaps it might be time to take a break, and maybe I'll just deal with the day-to-day stuff that still has a lot of satisfaction it in:

Friends, Art, and God.

The embodiments of love.

Least that's how I see it.

I can't really think of a good transition to exit, but this seems as good of a point as any to make a rough break.

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Don't Do as Donny Don't Does

Back in the day for each of these random phrases I could easily point you to a youTube clip. But apparently the media companies like making money off their media, because otherwise you know their entire business model is bankrupt.

But I'll get into that upon a latter hour.

Alas, of late I'm feeling like our poor misunderstood Donny Don't.

Despite my noble claims of having discovered the secret of time management, I find myself with my schedulization less than ideal.

Perhaps truly the problem is too many commitments: School, 2+ clubs, unknowing being elected MCYM NJ president, work, etc. Everything keepin' me busy and busy and busy.

But really, truly is the matter that simple?

I dunno.

Perhaps the greater matter is my fear is eating up time when I could be working, or maybe I'm just making a big deal out of everything.

Whichever, got to go.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

The end remains, but perhaps the guilt should not

There's a certain emptiness in my mind that I get about this time of the year. It's a kin to but distinct to the emptiness I get at the beginning of summer. I suppose it could just be the cold winter reaching it's peak. But I think, with some more certainty it really is in the end the dread of change approaching. The fall semester is over, and now something new is beginning. What that is for me is a matter of trips.

I'm going to India for two weeks and then to California for two weeks, I think I've said all of that before. What is important is that's a big change, but then again then there's a big change in me going back to the spring semester.

And what does it all mean?

Change is a coming I guess, it's a part of human nature, but it's hard once you invest so much into a certain routine, spend so much time trying to master it, and then it's all gone.

I always dream of change, but then when it comes, I have to admit there's a bit of me that's terrified. Not just of what's beyond that change, although that scares me certainly, but it's my role in that new world. And moreover, my utter unpreparedness for this new world, one I simply can't fathom. Well, of course I can have some good idea of the world I'm plunging into, since I've done trips to India and California before and I've certainly done spring semesters before, but things never end up exactly as you expect them and always end up falling apart on you. And then you piece everything together and then that phase ends, and you're sent on to another one, always on and on and on.

(If you're noticing a British-tinge to my writing for a sec. (I'm not sure if this is or is not the case) it's because I'm watching Doctor Who in the meantime while I'm writing)

It's always hardest at the beginning and then right above the end, and then easy at the very end, but then terrifying as the end actually occurs.

But the potential, the potential you get in the changes, it's amazing.

And so I'm dealing with my life, I'm getting through with the changes, I'm passing beyond the end and then further beyond it to all those good old phases to come.

I wonder although, but I wonder if all this constant changes and new phases (well not really constant more occasionally occurring), if I've learned anything from all of it (well I suppose I've learned everything from the changes in my life), and I wonder if I've learned to deal with these new phases any better.

Perhaps if anything, if anything I've learned lately (I mean over time I've learned stuff, etc. about dealing with problems), I've learned finally perhaps to leave old matters be, allow myself to move on from the old phases without being consumed by the legacies of guilt which make me mess up in the future, sending more guilt and more, infinitely. But I've been trying to learn to put that stuff aside once the guilt is done, and I think I've been getting better at it. I think I've finally learned that when you mess up, once it's done, it's done, and obsessing over it isn't going to help me.

But really, every now and then, I'm feeling a guilt about not feeling guilty, but I suppose then, it's just a matter of remnants. Of course there is some just guilt and I by no means have been cured of guilt and I think, I think I have plenty to be over the top of the just guilt. But I feel like, almost I ought to feel pain when I do something wrong, that I should carry a pain for every mistake that never goes away. But if God can forgive me, than why can't I forgive myself? What good does all that eternal pain do me, especially if it all just serves to make me mess up further and further again and again, infinitely.

Ah, but infinity is a long time.

But then again, I'm Rand the Mighty and Glorious.

And so perhaps, perhaps it is time to let go of the guilt, for there are all those new worlds waiting to be explored and I'd like to be a little light on my feet without the weight of the ages.

GET PUMPED! FINALS!!!

Can't say I'm greatly happy with my more recent posts, but I can't say I've been happy with the necessity for intensive studies for finals. But that'll be over soon, and hopefully my sessions will improve after that's all done then, but after that I might be busy with trips and such. Oh well, such is the way of the world. In the longer course of things I need to develop a greater discipline in writing and do on-time quality sessions without fail (perhaps for multiple webposts) and then bonus it all with a page or more of drafting for some stories and such. But if I'm aways from that goal, I'm trying to get closer and I think I am bit by bit. Perhaps, maybe, we'll see I suppose and all.

Well, one final done and one to go. I have to say I'm not greatly impressed with my performance on my Number Theory final. It was a ton to remember but with at least one of my errors I should have been able to remember if not exactly what to do for the proof the general methodology that would have led me to the right answer. Not that most of you will be caring terribly about the details, but I'd say I probably are going to get around a 85, but my range could go from a 70-90, or beyond. As for the course itself B probably, but overall a total range of F-A. It really depends on how much my missed homeworks hurt me (to be honest I've asked for some consideration on the matter, it has been a long semester with emotions/mental health and all and I think overall I probably deserve some consideration for the matter, although I'm always unsure if I truly deserve any of the breaks I get for my mental health problems).

But that's that.

And so I might get through all this and I might not.

But really, as it goes, school isn't the deciding factor of how I'm going to get through my life.

Then what is school really?

Well, as I've said before, I've always thought of school as a matter of a game (well, no I haven't always thought about it like that, but that's how I'm trying to think about it nowadays).

And now I've actually thought up a justification for that impression.

Alright, where else but school and games do you do a combination of easy, tedious, and mind-blowingly difficult tasks that have little to no impact on the real world even though there is a reward (although the reward is pretty damn valuable, and so the game is worth some importance and highly worth seizing in oppotunity talk) at the end of the contest.

Thus school = game.

Think about it.

Anyways, still insanely busy with school.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

The Savagely Long Night of ___________________

(I previously had this post using my full name, but because of the whole companies searching for my name to check me out and then reacting badly to the medical/mental stuff here, I had to take it out. It sucks, it's not how things, but F-ing A-, that's the way the world is.)

I was a little iffy on using this title after using The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari for a previous post and I was also worried that it would sound too whiny but now that I see it I'm pretty satisfied with it. I think the key to using the title was using the word "Savagely" and my full name (I'm not sure if most of you have ever seen my middle name Zacheriah, it's actually sounded out something like Zuck-er-ee-ah and for a long time I didn't know how to spell or pronounce it, but it's still a nice name (it belonged to my maternal grandfather, although he spelled it differently, in a more confusing way that was part of the reason I had so much trouble remembering the real spelling)).

Anyways, I meant to write this yesterday, but I was incredibly sleepy and so I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 9:30. I say that to reflect how savagely long the nights of this last week have actually been. Essentially all the days and nights of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning-evening merged into one night. I had 3 final projects and I ended up sleeping never more than 5 hours a night with the sleeping being designed as more like naps between work. My eating was severely curtailed as I didn't want to leave my room to stop working, usually I only ate tons of junk food from the vending machines. I showered rarely, brushed rarely, and overall stretched my physical and actually also mental health until it nearly snapped. But that's over now. You can enter into a work-focused state like that every now and then, but if you want to avoid snappage eventually you need to stop.

But once again, now that's done, well for now. I still have two finals, and they will require mad amounts of studying, but that shouldn't be insanely stressful.

So now WINTER BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Long Day's Night

So today I'm probably going to get little to no sleep. However, I'm feeling decently awake enough so that I think I can make it through most of the night. Because, well, chances are I'm going to have to make it through most of the night. A 10-12 page paper analyzing 3 films doesn't write itself (unless...).

So this is the last piece of the first part of my finals' period. The first part is the final papers part, while I prefer final papers do to my creative bent, also due to the fact that I think they're a better measure of knowledge and I usually do well on them, it is usually this period that is the more stressful part. The reason for that is that studying for an exam you feel some pressure, but not an urgent, I need to finish pressure, since you're just going over material that you know chances are you can never master completely, but which you are getting better at with every run over. But there is no I need to do this, this and this, with studying, and there is usually no creative, I need to figure out how to do this, pressure with studying (unless you have no clue about a part of the subject matter and you don't have time to ask anybody about it (tip to other students and prospective college/high school students, when you're having trouble with material ask people about it, don't let pride, fear or laziness get in the way, it is infinitely helpful academic-wise to ask people questions about what you're having trouble on, and it also helps to build relationships (I wish I had asked more questions of people this and every other semester, well, something to work on for next semester)).

But with the first part of the finals' period, the final projects section, you've got a long period of pressure building to the deadline. An exam is in the end only a few hours of intense work, final projects can give days of mind-numbing pressure, and not just of the exhaustive I have lots of work kind, but also of the mind crushing creative pressure kind. And of course all of this brings up physical illness, mental illness, and there are other matters which weigh on you.

Basically it ends up an endurance test, which every semester I pass with mixed results. Usually I'm able to do well with all the projects but every now and then one of the projects suffers greatly. This semester I think all of the projects have mixed success, maybe getting a B-A range. But I still got one left and so I still got more truckin' to do.

And so what does it end up with?

Well, I'm still in that endurance test, struggling to avoid collapse until I can finish my projects and get a momentary release (of course then I have the second part of my finals, which is to say the actual final tests, and that should be intensely difficult but not nearly as stressful especially since there are only 2 tests). Right now, I've been undermining my health with junk food, tons of soda, no sleep, I've been undermining my hygine with few showers and reusing clothes, I've been neglecting projects, neglecting social contacts, neglecting this webpost. I've been on and off insane, which has horribly damaged my efforts (several days I've found myself unable to work despite a desperate need to). Besides all that I'm adjusting to new meds and seesawing back and forth between focusedness and mindless drifting.

And yet this is life, or at least a part of it. On the other hand, it's not all of it. I'm not in that bad shape mentally or physically that I can't take it. Or say I am, well, with God's help I'll persevere.

And that's what these tough times are all about, persevering, breaking through to the other side. Just make sure there's an other side to beak through to.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

There's a reason why they call it a gutshot

It's easy to be seduced by the gutshot straight draw (for you non-poker players out there that's when you have all but one of the cards for a straight, but you're missing one in the middle, thus there's only one (although perhaps in several suits) card that can complete your straight, but if you get that straight you can beat any pair or any two pair). It makes for an immensely dramatic win of course, but it's actually pretty rarely satisfied. And yet it's so easy to go all in on it, just hoping for a spectacularly lucky fall of the cards that'll give you a legendary win.

But you can't depend on legends.

I think perhaps one of my problems in my poker playing is a matter of lust. A lust for that suddenly, utterly perfect win. But perfect wins are rare. You need to make do with imperfect, stuttering victories that sometimes just scrape the bottom. You can't depend on legends.

On the other hand, you can't be afraid of the cards either. You can't expect to lose whenever you let someone into the hand. You have to be willing to risk a loss sometimes, so you can take in a greater win. You can't let a lust for an easy victory undermine the greater more difficult one.

I think those two demons of lust are what undermine my poker playing. While keeping them in mind will deflate them, the ultimate cure of this dilemma is just playing through them until they are defeated. Because in the end, someone who lusts after poker will be destroyed by that, but one who carries a simple love of the game will be enriched by it, even if he never wins a pot (although chances are he will win more often as well).

So that's my thoughts about that. Sorry that my posting's going to have to be scarce over the next couple days (most likely), but school's a drool and I've got to be going at it.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And my brain's still bleeding

There's work and there's work. And there's sometimes there's well, then sometimes there's just the Rand Show.

And yet my brain's still bleeding. Largely because this day has been (and given I still have a number of things to do, is continuing to be) another intense chapter of an intense week.

Low sleep + lot's of thinking (Number Theory isn't for the faint of brain, unless they're too stubborn to realize they're faint of brain) + lots of projects (I got all these nice little plans for my projects all laid out, and now they're going to horribly collapse once I start to implement them) + career thinking (careers, careers, careers, and braziers) + More Johnny means More Better = my brain, my brain, it bleeds!!!

But, despite things being intense, I'm finding surprisingly that work's getting done at a decent clip. The question is whether I can maintain it at this clip. And the answer to that would be no. I've already been missing far too much sleep, spending far too little time with my friends and family, and adding to a dangerous stress potential that could explode at any moment (by this I mean while I'm not stressed out right now, if I didn't reassure myself that the situation was doable I would be immensely, explosively stressed). That said, I should be able to get a leet beet of time to relax in about a week. That also said, I also am going to have to be studying hard for my finals (although compared to the amount of work I'm juggling now that should not be (but it could be) a problem). Those two things said, my mostly open finals period should give me some time to hang with my buds which should be immensely relaxing (hopefully), and with all of that said I must reveal the deep dark secret:

I'm going to India.

Actually only for two weeks, which is a relatively short trip. But then it's off to California for two weeks. And all you loyal readers will be going waaaah, waah, waah (you know you will be). And I'm just going to have to try to post when I can, or maybe, just maybe I might be able to get a fill-in poster, but my previous attempts to acquire such an individual have been unsuccessful.

It's strange being busy. For most of my life, doing one thing that was not school-related was a full day. Doing two things not school related, now that was a busy day. Laziness, fear of failure, yammering complaints, all them were keeping me down (and not down in the d-town). But here I am, actually busy. Weird.

I tend to surprise myself that I often rise to the occasion when needed. That's not to brag because the occasion is usually my own fault. But it is a little bit of comfort. And it is a hope, because there will surely be occasions in the future and almost certainly one of those occasions will kill me, after all we all need to go sometime.

But hopefully, even that occasion I can rise to, and hopefully I can lie on my death bed with my fear overwhelmed by hope, love and faith.

One hand might wash the other but who washes the arms?

The hands of course. When I thought of that phrase, it had such a faux profound sense to it, but now that I realize it has such a simple answer. Well, I suppose that just emphasizes the faux in the faux profound.

Greetings y'all, and welcome to another session of the Rand Show. Should I open things like that always? I've always been of mixed feelings about a standardized opener. On the one hand, it's cool, it builds the brand, and it gives a feeling of greater consistency. On the other hand, often my thoughts flow directly from the title, or just directly from my head and I don't want to interrupt things for an opener. Oh, choices, choices. Of course I could try the opener and on and off for a while.

Ah experimentation, something, something, something or other.

I got to say I've been a bit lazy with my phrases lazy. But perhaps that's just because I've been feeling a bit unwell.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell"

(On a stylistic note, I wonder if any of you have noticed my increased use of links. Part of this is simply the fact that more links helps search engines find webpages, but also I think this helps break up the visual monotony of the reading lots of words on the computer and the conceptual monotony of just having words in front of you)

In a recent session I thought I had located the prime source of my feeling unwell (perhaps that's the wrong word for it, I'm at least feeling a little bit off). My analysis was it was because of fear of bad things happening and anxiety over me doing not enough good. I'm not saying that's wrong, but it's not I think the full case. There's still something off inside me and I'm not sure what.

But perhaps that's just something I need to live with. I've often stated that people can never fully understand my mind, and maybe it's time for me to start relaxing a little about that fact. Perhaps it's okay to live in a world where I can't know every little bit of my thoughts. Perhaps, blah, blah, blah.

I think I've hit up that subject well enough.

Moving on to other matters, I'm planning to post up some sessions with linked up versions of Russian films. Why? Because I'm doing some research into old quality Russian films and I think it's pretty cool that they're available on the web and so I'll be posting them up.

In other news, I've got a lot of work to do and so I should be moving on to doing it.

That's about it for now. So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Awesomeness always returns

And so I am back. After several days of weak and sporadic sessions I have returned to give meaning to your bummy lives. All hail the returning Rand!!! And so on.

Well, it has been a nice Thanksgiving break, but now life must resume, or else, well, things aren't good then. But anyways,

Zoonga, zoonga, zoonga.

Bet you weren't expecting that! (Or if you had been paying attention to my previous sessions and had noticed my tendency to break up ponderous, incomplete, overly serious thought with odd-sounding nonsense, you might have been expecting that, and that is why the bet I mad was a gentleman's one, I know you people are probably not gentlemen but I am willing to be merciful.)

Anywho, it's strange (as I've remarked several times over and over again to various people until their heads want to explode), after that break I'm starting to feel the pressures of school and personal work, as well as future prospects and plans begin to impose themselves on me. In my pre-Thanksgiving session I commented on how vacation from school does not equal vacation from my personal work, yet honestly I pretty much did take a vacation from personal work (and I extended my vacation from school work to the extend of semi-falling behind). And so now I'm honestly finding it a bit tricky falling back into the tap of things, like getting back into the posting schedule and such (for a little while I was in a nice posting schedule where I was posting every day at a morningish time (I think (although don't quote me on this) that my views increase when I post early)), but more badishly I find some old feelings rising up (I see a bad moon rising).

I mentioned a while ago that I was done with my most recent crisis but that after a number of highly wah-wah sessions I didn't want to cap it off with even more extra super more wah-wah. But since y'all have had the intervening days of the Thanksgiving break + a little more let me chat a little 'bout it all. And by chat I mean say this:

I think a lot of my problems come from my impending, overwhelming desire to change/save/rule the world and my constant belief I'm not doing enough by that. It's aggravating, every day bad things happen. Whether you believe the world's getting better or worse (I tend to believe neither exactly, try to figure out how history's going is the easy path to madness), bad things will keep on happening, and that includes really bad things and things that are really bad personally. And every time that happens, I feel like I've failed. And then there's every moment I'm still, every moment I haven't accomplished something absolutely fantastic I feel like I've failed because I haven't made things better. That just seems insane, it just seems like an absolute and terrible monstrous mistake. It just seems like I'm fiddling while Rome burns. It just seems like I'm a part of the horror, since I'm not stopping it.

It's so easy to feel that way.

It makes me feel like even a moment spent inactive is my mark of failure. Moreover it places pressure on me to save the world with the next moment.

And yet, to feel that way, even Rand the Grand and Glorious can't do it all, and he can't always be trying even, especially since he too is a part of this messed up world.

One more thing if you think about it. If human beings deserve happiness, than don't those who want to help people have a right for happiness too.

But scrap all that, no screw all that. To tell you the truth, no matter how much I do it's still not going to be enough to stop bad stuff from happening, moreover the further into the future the effects of my accomplishments go the less control I'll have over them. So scrap that too.

How to deal with it all then? I appreciate the beauty of life, the universe, and people, wonderful old people. Life is beautiful, and if things go wrong, it might become less pretty, but even less pretty it is infinitely beautiful. So while life might not be as good as you want, it still is so damn beautiful.

And in the end, God will take care.

And yes, there will be horror.

But God will make the best of this world.

And it will still be so damn, incredibly beautiful.

So that's about that.

And those pressures seem a little bit lighter.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Vacation's all I ever wanted, actually no, but Thanksgiving Break!!! Wooo!!!

Greetings, y'all. Sorry about missing yesterday's session but you're all bums, so I don't feel so bad, especially since I for once was not being a bum and working hard for the monkey, so hard for it honey, I work hard for the monkey so give me some monkeys and give them some honey (wow, I started out with a song parody, went to a Simpsons reference and then went straight to insane nonsense (am I awesome or what?)). Actually I had a ton of school work to do and my mind almost exploded, just almost. But now that's done and it's time for BREAK!!!! THANKSGIVING WOOOOO!!!!

Actually I still have school work to do and some of it I actually need to do over the break. Thanksgiving break's actually something of a tease when you think about it, since it doesn't last that long (least for me, Rutgers only gives 2 days off (because they're bums), and unlike more lazy and yet generous colleges like Princeton University I don't get a fall break) but moreover fall break doesn't really signal the end of a school unit. I mean certainly a lot of tests and projects ram up to the end right before the break (hence the insane amount of work I had to do up to yesterday), but once the break's over BAM!!! got to prepare for the real finals (which for Rutgers is throughout the month of December (Princeton's got a really weird schedule where they have their break first then their finals, they also have extra time for their break, but I actually prefer to have finals first then break because break time would probably lead my brain knowledge to decay and the decay and such and so that would be bad for finals and such).

And yet for all the teasing, it will be nice to have a good nice breakity break weekend. Especially since it's THANKSGIVING WOOOOOO (seeing as I've got mad Catholic power (Catholics rule! Yeah!!) here's a link for Catholics about Thanksgiving)!!!!!

Plus my bro the bro-man Jay (again shout out to his webpost) is coming over so that'll be the cool and all (he might even give me some tips for upping my webpost quality (I mean it's already awesome, but it could be MEGA-SUPER-AWESOME). It'll be pretty dang cool eh?

So this break will be still pretty awesome. Now I do wish it was longer, especially since I tend to use my breaks to get actual personal work done (now to say what this work is, well, I've got projects, writing (I actually want to try to get into a habit of writing a page of fiction/poetry each day, although I'll probably not be posting it up since it'll be raw in form (and possibly content, but probably not, I'm not an exhibitionist)), renewing old friendships, etc., etc., plus tons of other stuff) (I tend to have mixed feelings about the idea of school as work, but I've talked about that before, and I'll talk about that later), but let's do a little supposing and say I didn't do work (it happens sometimes I end up having my depression or anxiety catch up to me on a break and it takes me right out of all the work stuff), then while I certainly would like more than 4 days break, too long of a break could be a problem.

My brother's like this sometimes, he can't stand being not at work for too long. I mean I can be not at work for long periods of time but then I just feel crappy and guilty and even if I can get over my guilt I still feel unsatisfied, because heck, I like my work (and here I'm talking I'm about my real work like writing).

But still, especially since I'm going to be doing personal work, I'm going to love this break, love this Thanksgiving, and love you my good readers (you know I love you!).

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart (take my love people! (I mean that in a writer-reader way, although if any girls want to contact me...)), and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Hello folks and stuff (it would be cool if some stuff were reading this webpost, but alas, my audience is mostly made up of folks).

Yesterday I was planning a big statement on the desperate situation I was in and how I was just barely pulling things off by the skin of my ass, but it was All Saint's Day and so I decided to write about that.

As to my situation, I've been having trouble getting my work done, I don't know why, but it's like this. I had on my computer for two-three days all the necessary components to make a project over a week overdue work and I resisted putting it all together. Instead I fiddled with things, tried to make things cleaner, and then I tried to make things more complex. By the end I had about 2 and 1/2 versions of the program that should have worked. Eventually I settled down my brain enough to take the simplest version, sand off the rough edges and send it off.

But why?

I can't say I'm sure. But there has to be a why.

Every action needs a reason and every inaction needs a reason, it's impossible to really and truly be still. That's the problem with nihilism, the enthusiasm for the purposelessness of life is never strong enough to stop the instinct to act or to purposefully be inactive. To commit suicide would take a heck of a reason (usually self-hatred), but to live requires acting, or at the very least responding to the actions that surround us. And whatever our response is that has a reason.

But why did I just screw myself over by leaving my project undone for a week? I don't know, maybe it was biology, maybe nurture, the point is it was something that I had to away from.

Curiosity drives me to investigate my mental state, but also a desire to prevent problems from happening again. But still, worrying too much about my mental problems breed more problems which distracts me from bigger concerns...

What are the bigger concerns? Life, Truth, Love, etc. If I went by my feelings, and especially my feelings last week I would say nothing, nothing mattered, and eventually as the pains in my depression grew I would simply conclude that avoidance of pain mattered only and then flip, I'll be dead. But instead I take what feels to be the core and most beautiful principle of my beliefs, and then use reason and experience to go from there. And that's how I got to here, a follower of God Most High.

But that has nothing to do with the title of this session. I've been rambling, but not unpleasantly, and yet I still feel compelled to stop. So's your face! It always works.

Anyways, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Vacation's all I ever wanted, Vacation's all I ever needed

Ah, but instead I'm doing work, and by the looks of things I'll be doing work all day. I really wanted to go home tonight and go trick or treating with my little cousin, but I'm working on borrowed time trying to outrun my professor's generous patience. And so I've sacrificed my Halloween. I wasn't able to even get a costume. But hopefully, this will lay the groundwork for that someday when I won't have to work on Halloween, and instead I will dress up like an idiot and party like it's 1999 or like it's whatever year it is, since I'll probably become more of a partier as I get older not less.

But anyways,

I rock the party that rocks the party
Yeah, I rock the party that rocks the party
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo Doo

And so when the rocks party, I'll be there.

A matter of clouds

I, I the man of the Rand and the Rand of the man, persevere in spite of attempts by giant fish to stop me. But no giant fish will defeat me, for I am John!!!

But let that matter be discarded. I remember in about 4th or 5th grade I still liked school. Perhaps I didn't admit it because of peer pressure, but overall I enjoyed being at school. It was only with middle school school really started to bug me. Perhaps that was because with the dawning of my hormones my anxiety problems got kicked into to overdrive.

After that, minor social anxiety blossomed into full on social paranoia (I use paranoia here in a very loose, ultra-loose, barely hanging on to the threads of syntax loose sense (basically any rapid-fire depressing, self-hating, fearful thoughts)). Basically my mind exploded. And any sense of social satisfaction I got from school evaporated. And so I had school work. But investing myself in my school work put such intense performance stress on me that it almost killed the alien embryo that I'm raising in my stomach. Or maybe it just gave me anxiety attacks, either one.

So I had to choose whether or not I wanted to attach my worth to my grades. And all my upbringing, my experiences, my culture, etc. suggested to me in the end that while grades were good and an accomplishment, they were not a measure of worth. But let me caution, I presented here a relatively linear process of an intellectual trend, but the mind doesn't work that way, it don't, my friend, it simply don't. Another factor to my disconnecting my sense of worth from my school work was my disconnect from the idea of school being its own universe with teachers having a natural, if not always welcome spot at it head, to it simply being a tiny piece of the universe with teachers being just people without an inherent superiority to me. Suddenly doing well by their measures seemed submitting to an unnecessary (and by my then reasoning automatically unjust) authority. Teenage rebellion, et. al. I suppose. And then there was my religious journey which led me to conclude that earthly authorities must always be subject to heavenly authorities. Etc. So there were a lot of factors.

Then if school (and let me include college here (although college does differ from primary and secondary schooling in some theoretical points which I won't get into here)) wasn't a measure of worth, then what was it supposed to be. More or less a stepping stone, a tool. Intellectually that's how I view it. But emotionally, it's hard to see it as less than confinement. Perhaps that's just a manifestation of my wanderlust soul. Or in more charitable terms an imposition. It's hard to stand that, and perhaps that's a reason why I have such trouble sticking to my classes. But in the way I think about things I actually have less care for school than work. At least when I'm working I get a feeling that I'm building some organization or something, but with school it feels like all my effort is going to nothing except satisfying the expectations of others. Perhaps I can say that when I'm in lecture there's the satisfaction of learning but with tests, projects, and essays, etc. (although occasionally I do feel satisfaction from projects and essays since they involve some creativity, it usually is as much or more giving a feeling of burden). In the end, I just can't take a great deal of satisfaction from school, at least as long as I keep on looking on it as a burden.

Perhaps a better way of looking at matters would be to see school as a game. And the whole matter becomes a competition when it comes to grades. Now many people dislike that analogy because it puts too much stress on kids and undermines their feelings of friendship. But that's only if you look at it as an immensely important game. But let's take this as a pretty important game, not hugely important, you can rebound from bad grades, but it's still got some gravity to it. And there is some fun to it with the learning and all. And then there is some accomplishment to getting a good grade. But it isn't the accomplishment of say a medal of honor, or something that suggests quality in a person (even if a person's true quality is a matter hidden in the brain, personal, and in my mind moreover a matter of how they view the world instead of what they accomplish, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah). Rather a good grade in school is like a victory in football, or soccer, or Magic: The Gathering.

And when it comes down to it, it isn't really a victory over your competitors, they rather are your fellow-travelers in the game, a victory in a game is a victory over its rules, its obstacles and your own limits. Perhaps, if I looked at school like that, it might become palatable again. Stranger things have happened.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Even these things persist

Greetings folks and peoples of people-like nature (that includes you semi-animalistic furry folk as well). I would like to share with you a rule I've recited in various circumstances. Given an infinity of opportunities even things with small probability are likely to happen. Given my history, a breakdown had medium likiness of occurring, so that it would occur sooner or later was almost certain. Perhaps, I dunno. But today I skipped out on my classes, gave up on all activity and wallowed in depression. I did that for about twelve hours and then, I got over it. Ah chemicals, they make up your body, but they tend to just fly here and there without prediction. To some extent I think my emotional collapse this morning and my recovery this evening was chemical. But like all good mental problems there was an element of nurture. I had been building stress on myself since school started and I had to do some homework pretty quickly and I was feel emasculated by the fact that my parents aren't going to let me keep a car at the school for casual purposes (basically I have to run it by them). My recovery on the other hand was guided by my faith. The fact that God loves me is a great strength restorer, and while I might respond that God shouldn't love me because I'm unworthy, I remember that passage from the Acts of the Apostles, verse 9: "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean." I guess that includes me if I trust in Him. And I think this has the larger implication of the idea, I can't say that God is wrong to love me, God is always right, so I guess I am worthy of God, and I guess if I want to do right by God, I got to do right by those He loves and that includes me.

So that's about the summary of events. I'd rather not go into matters any more severely because that would be boring, whiny and therefore lame. But the meat of the matter is that I had a breakdown and recovered decently fast, although not fast enough not to miss classes. It's irritating because I had hoped I was done with breakdowns severe enough to do that. And it's worrying. I have 1 year till I graduate, technically even less than that (I suppose it's actually about 8 months), and if I have these sort of problems while I'm working, I'll actually have a great deal of trouble, as in trouble which will get me fired. And unless I can build a good job record early on, in this tight job market my later ambitions will be a bit tough. So what to do about it?

What to do, what to do, skitter me shoe, what to do?

Just thought I'd puncture the mellowdrama a little and I don't really have a needle that came go through your brain to the part that's imagining the mellowdrama, so etc., etc., la-dee-da-dee-da.

But back to the matter at hand. So what should I do with these breakdowns? Well, I'll see my psychiatrist, I'll see my psychologist, I'm going to start seeing a pastoral counselor, but really will that do anything? If I really need, I'll change my medicine, although overall I've been doing pretty well and I don't want to lose how I've been doing so far. Besides, to really get rid of the feelings that generated this collapse would take something drastic, something fundamental, something I really don't know.

I used to figure that if I just kept moving forward in my life, if I kept myself busy that might be enough. But I'm moving forward, I'm obscenely busy, and still... Business could be part of the problem but last semester I had constant collapses and I had one of my easiest schedules since Freshman year. Maybe if I had more energy, if I wasn't tired all the time and I could take full advantage of those brief moments when I'm truly productive. But I doubt it. These emotions seem to come to me no matter what has been accomplished, no matter how successful life is. There's a part of me that wants everything and isn't satisfied even if I have it. And then there's a part of me that just truly hates myself and will take advantage of every dissatisfaction, every moment of doubt, every failure, every mistake to try to destroy my soul and make me take my life. And that won't go away just because my life moves forward, it'll take something drastic, like I said.

A change of medicines might do some good, maybe, but if I'm looking for a fundamental shift like I said I needed, it'll take a fundamental change in medicine and that'll either help me a lot or screw me over immensely. In fact, it'll likely also take a lot of trial and error so even if there is some one medicine or medicine combo that can help me immensely it'll probably take a lot of bad tries that'll screw me over first, and given the time it takes to see if a medicine works or not, unless my psychiatrist has a good idea of how it will help, it's probably not a good idea to mess with a decent medicine combo, which I have right now.

So then what? Well, there is a fundamental change schedule in 8 months. Graduation, that should give a nice little shock to the system, and maybe, perhaps that'll set in motion some changes. And then there's the classic. Get a girl, girl solves my problems everything's better. That was always my plan in high school, more or less. But I really shouldn't rely on that, and I rely doubt women can just suddenly, magically make things better. But they can at least provide me a relief from loneliness. At least if I can find a woman to fall in love with. When you're in love, just being in conversation, just being near the woman you love gives you strength. Perhaps that might help. Maybe. I'd like to think so. And that is something I can work on, if I give it some effort and some time. Maybe, maybe, a thousand times maybe (Is that a phrase of some sort? Maybe a paraphrase or something of the like? Maybe.). Anywho, I doubt still it'll erase my problems, but it might make things better.

Then there's always the option of living with it and hoping that it isn't too often, that isn't too much. And trying to lessen it and make it less often through gradual efforts and the training of my will. I have fought off several possible collapses recently that delayed this. Perhaps that's just how I need to live. Fighting it, losing sometimes, but maybe winning more and more. And maybe someday, all that fighting will be enough, and my problems will be completely under control. I doubt it but maybe.

I asked one of my psychiatrists one time, will it ever be easy for me to live? Right now the act of living is often difficult, because at the end of the day and at the beginning of the day especially, and sometimes just randomly throughout the day, I feel waves of depression crashing on me. But he said, that if I learn to deal with it every day, than just as with practice, dealing with it will get easier. I like to hope so. But the thing is I have been dealing with it, for a long time now, and it's still pretty damn hard. But sometimes that's just the way things go. And you still need to push onward.

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I suppose I'm chasing that green light to. And so still I push onward.

And we keep swerving in and out of life

I'm feeling more or less crap like, or maybe it's just the time of the day or the thoughts that just seem to keep coming.
Blah, blah, blah
So anyhow:
Here's something old for now, an essay I wrote a while back that's pretty nice, if inteneded for an odd purpose

The purpose of schooling is to prepare people for life. This means teaching skills, concepts, methods and ways of thinking. It also means teaching how a person should live their life. This is a core value of the liberal arts education, one Cicero explained more than two thousand years ago when defending his teacher Archias. There are many ways to approach this goal, a teacher could explain the different doctrines of philosophy, great figures of the past and present can be presented as examples of different ways of living, and great books can be used to mentally and emotionally connect students to the great questions of life. In most schools, the last approach is used, usually in English or literature classes. This was the case in my school, and in my classes I was exposed to books containing scores of different answers of how to live one?s life. One book that particularly affected me was The Great Gatsby and its philosophy helped me through a very difficult time in my life.
During my high school years, I suffered from manic-depression and this disease often reduced me to thoughts of suicide. To defend myself against such thoughts it was necessary for me to construct a philosophy which would justify my life. To construct this philosophy I drew upon my religion, family, friends, experiences, achievements, failures and books. The Great Gatsby was one of the books which helped me to create that philosophy.
The Great Gatsby talked about the American dream, about the glorious potential of the human spirit and this helped me appreciate my own potential and worthiness to live. The story was of a man who had a dream and strove to completely redefine himself. The fact that his dream was flawed and that he was ultimately unsuccessful was not important, the man became something glorious in the effort. At least, that is my interpretation of the story. But that interpretation was very moving to me, it gave me hope that even if I had problems that made my life difficult, if I pursued my dreams I did not have to succeed to be a success.
However, the effect the book had on me would not be nearly as potent was it not for the in-depth analysis that accompanied it in my junior year American Literature class. My junior year reading of The Great Gatsby was actually the second time I read the book, I had read it a year or two before and found it a very good but not a great book. However, the analysis of the book that was done in my class showed me that not only was the book great, but it was inspiring. In this class, Gatsby?s American Dream was placed into the context of American literature and compared to Benjamin Franklin?s Autobiography. The characters other than Gatsby were also analyzed in ways that contrasted and complemented Gatsby?s role in the book. The language and era and events were examined and explicated. With the help of my able American Literature teacher Mr. Sullivan, and a class with healthy peer discussions, I was able to understand the book and take in its themes, ideas, and feel. I took this understanding of the book and drew from it an idea of glory, which I then incorporated into my life philosophy and that philosophy became my best defense against thoughts of suicide and self-hate.
Through my American Literature class I was exposed to the Great Gatsby and it was then analyzed in a way that enhanced the reading process and left me with ideas that helped me battle personal demons. My story shows the potential of a good literature class. It can shape an individual by exposing him to ideas and philosophies, both new and old, expressed in an excellent manner. Plato found danger in exposing people to philosophy at a young age, since young people are prone to radicalism and the reckless wholesale rejection of tradition. In my mind, this is a very real threat, but my experience has taught me that not teaching young people philosophy is an even greater threat. As a person turns into an adult he must decide how to direct his life, and without an idea of why this life is good or this life is bad, people become mentally and spiritually lost. If I was lost when I was in high school, I would lack the will to resist my disease and would likely be dead. That is why my English and literature classes were so important to me and are important to every student. The road of life is often dark, and books, when understood, can be valuable street lamps.

The Logician's Dilemma

I am a man who likes to invoke logic. It often clarifies arguments a great deal and sometimes it is one of the few available methods of resolving a particularly bitter dispute between people of very different systems of thought. Yet I must make a confession. I am DB Cooper (I'm sorry Adam West, but somebody had to take the fall). But also I don't really like formal logic. I like logic in general, but I mostly just use the basic largely intuitive semi-logic. I realize that the problem with using that kind of logic is that it is inpercise, it tends to make overgenerous assumptions and it sometimes takes unwarranted logical jumps. But the advantage of intuitive semi-logic is that it is simpler, easier, and shorter. Formal logic is a different beast. It is a beast I respect, that I admire, but which annoys me if I'm around it for too long.

Formal logic is something that starts at the basics then marches up bit by bit to the end. Good idea if you want to be right. Bad idea if you're lazy or with little patience (I happen to have both qualities and I'm so incredibly awesome it doesn't matter if I'm wrong every now and then). Semi-logic might get you the wrong answer sometimes but it is quick and that means it allows me to solve a problem before I lose interest in it and it's good in a debate because its easy to explain in English (formal logic has its own language, and if I'm going to learn another language, well it's going to be this, but that's only because I'm taking a class about it, but I'm only taking a class that sort-of-half-assed teaches it (nothing against the teacher, but that's just the nature of the class)), also in an arguement one often lacks the time and scratch paper to work out a formal logic proof. But perhaps most usefully, the semi-logic is, as I have labelled it before, intuitive, which means that it can often work with your sub-conscious which is good since your sub-conscious tends to usually undermine your logic attempts.

I realize there is a sort of pure beauty to formal logic, but I only can catch it in glimpses. I can say wow look at how these things interconnect and make sense sometimes but most of the time I'm like huh? (confused) or buh? (mildly annoyed or bored). Those who can see the pure beauty of formal logic, they are the smart ones, they are the lucky ones, but they aren't the everybody ones and they aren't me. But still we ought to remember to give them some respect (not too much respect because the beauty of logic can sometimes blind people to their mistakes and also you don't want to inflate their heads too much) and we got to raise a glass to them. Cheers!

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks!

The temptation of wheat or Azumanga Diaoh review

First of all, the theme song makes no sense, no sense, this link has its lyrics, but it includes the above line the temptation of wheat, and stuff like Cake for you, Tea for you, etc., very, very weird, further proof that Japanese people are crazy (of course my assessment of that is wildly innaccurate since I'm basing this largely on my own tastes for crazy anime). Still song crazy, so it gives you a little clue about the show itself.

Actually in some ways the show isn't as crazy as the intro song and sequence would imply, but in other ways it's just as crazy if not more so. It has a few moments like Kodocha where random things pop up but that's mostly just in the dream episodes. Mostly it's just high school life and not even really eventful high school life, overall nothing much happens to these kids except the school life and the breaks and such. There aren't even the crazy romances of normal high school life (except for with one girl and her obsession with another girl and a teacher's obsession with the first girl (don't worry none of this actually amounts to anything but a lot of laughs). There are rarely long plots even within an episode even since each episode is actual 5 5-minute shorts pieced together (the manga was sort of like a comic strip (I think) and the show first aired as 5 minute shorts each weekday and then the week's episodes were combined on Saturdays (I think, I wasn't there to see all that stuff during the first time around, A. it was a some time ago, and B. it was in Japan)). So with no plot and ordinary high school life how can it be as crazy as temptation of wheat? In the end it is because the characters are just crazy, zany, and absolutely hilarious.

This is one of the shows which makes me feel like an absolute girl, it is a girl's show, there is only one male character and he is just a side character playing the pervert teacher with a heart of gold stereotype (mostly the pervert part) (of course this is never really developed much as it would be if he was the star, but there are plenty of other shows for that (including plenty of animes like that)), but that's part of the charm. It allows the characters to just talk easy as friends and let all their quirks and crazies come out. In some ways this strikes me as more accurate than most romance-centered high school shows, because while the romances of high school tend to come and go, the friendships last and talking to your friends, just shooting the breeze (damn breeze, time to die!!!!) that's what high schoolers really spend most of their time doing. So this show is about that. The quirks and crazies of high school girls and their teachers, and about friendship. It could be very dull, it could be, but instead it's absolutely hilarious because those quirks and crazies, while so ordinary, are played up to maximum effect but without taking away from the love you feel for the characters.

The characters are a mix of archetypes and somewhat novel characters (who are found plenty in real life but are rarely explored). For the archetypes (there's a subtle difference between archetypes and stereotypes, while both are basised on the classic notions of the character types, the archetypes have their depths probed, while the stereotypes are pure superficial) You have Tomo, the crazy mega-enthusiastic goof-ball, you have Osaka, the ditzy, out of it goof-ball, and you have Yomi, the all-together, little-snobby, ultra-dieting, and mature girl, and Karoin, the obsessed-with-her-crush girl (although with a twist the love is another main character, aka, another girl), on the less-heard-of-side you have the grade-skipping-ultra-young, Chiyo, and the looks-very-mature, looks-very-cool and very aloof and looks kind of scary but really is very nice and loves cuteness girl, Sakaki and one which might fall on either side given my lacking knowledge of teen shows, Kagura, who's the ultra-athlete. With the teachers you got the standard boke and tsukkomi, that is the ultra-goof-off and serious person who puts her in her place, and then you have as a side character, the perverted male teacher, who turns out to have a heart of gold but is still very, very, very perverted. All these quirks are perhaps not groundbreaking but they are played out in very normal circumstances to the absolute breaking point but without passing the point of making the characters unsympathetic (although to some I've heard the male teacher passes that point, but I think he's cool (that's what is wife says)). Overall it's a good mix, although I wouldn't mind seeing at least one well-rounded guy, but I suppose that might distract from the girl's show atmosphere, which does add a certain lightness and charm to the show (after all the atmosphere girls carry with them is quite charming (although I'm actually probably too old to be saying that when the show is about high school students (and one student who's the age of elementry school kids)) and it might distract from the ultra-cutsyness of the show. Some will be turned off by this, but me, having the tastes of a ten-year-old girl, find it awesome. At times the show does draw on a bit, and you do kind of wish to have more in-depth adventures that might explore some more facets of these characters, overall I kind of had a sense that I wanted to know them a lot better than I got a chance to, but still you know them enough to love them, and enough to laugh like a madman at them. Overall I'd give this a 9 out of 10.

So that's my Azumanga Diaoh review. I think it went pretty well, although perhaps I could pull out a little more analysis if I wanted too. Oh well, the point is, awesome show, watch it, WATCH IT!!! You go now.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!