Waxing and waning before an upcoming storm

That phrase means absolutely nothing.

No, don't try to figure it out, I know you are, but stop.

That phrase, really, really meant nothing. Well, maybe there's some subconscious... no I'm not going to entertain any speculation here.

But if I were, I would say it has to do with the off-feeling I'm having thinking about my upcoming move. After delaying even looking for quite a while, suddenly everything's come together and... well, and now things are happening.

That's a bit different than how things have been for the last say 5-6 months, where my life was dominated by my job but otherwise didn't really change. And now it is.

Which raises many questions about to what degree I ought weight my job in my life now, and what of the people at my job, and what of the people outside of my job, and what of all the thoughts and plans I had based on skirting the weight of my job + commute now that the latter is gone...

Yet while previously, the impact of my wondering, to prompt the start of my motions toward actions, which might fizzle out before anything solid materialized, was rather large compared to the average eventful-ness of me just living my life, now compared to the almost auto-unfolding events, my wonderings seem almost idle.

I suppose there's a little fright here. And then there are matters unsettled from the last few months. And then there's a little sadness.

Leaving home, where everyone knew my name and I was always needed, to go to...

Jersey City...

but then again, Jersey City does seem to rule.

And so, despite pings of nostalgia I now move forward and face my ch-ch-changes (and here are the lyrics for that song as well)

And just so you don't suspect that I've become any less awesome... let's dance!

It's a long way down to nothing at all... My oh My

And it's a long way up to everything you want. I got to keep that in mind because every moment when I get a good turn I get a new urge to pump up the ambition. There are a lot of bizarre theories about this, mostly me talking about me. But it's a matter of will and a matter of vigilance (one might need to be careful about the later, that is vigilant about vigilance, which despite the oddity of the sound, which is though no more odd than everything else I say, but the point being is one can lose oneself in this cycle of self-monitoring, till the introspection devours the outside and leaves nothing at all).

Ultimately, however, both vigilance and will can fail. Take for example the man who walks on coals. You step at the right areas and you suppress your pain and you can make it unscathed. But most people probably will get at least a little burned, but it depends on the person. Some people have less of a talent for coal-walking than others, and still yet others it is a matter of craft, you can practice and read and train. And so on, etc.

Now if it seems like I am blowing up a micro-example of life to a grand theory, I would like to point out one man's micro-theory is another man's macro-theory. It's all just a matter of who they are raw and all. Raw and all we have strengths and skills and then and so on...

Well, I think I beat this dead horse to a nice meaty pulp, now just to add some seasonings and we got ourselves some steak tar-tar or maybe even... a convoy!

We got a big old convoy riding through the night!
We got a big old convoy! Ain't she a beautiful sight!
Convoy!

Yes she is a beautiful sight, indeed, she is! And so on.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Breaking the Bent

Cue Bent by Matchbox 20, as well as I suppose Shimmer by Fuel and for completeness' sake let's throw in an AMV of Shimmer set to FLCL.

I am quite the musical man am I not?

I have felt somewhat bent lately. Maybe the tireness... maybe the hyper-busy-ness... maybe the loneliness... maybe the magic space aliens...

But maybe I should stop whining about it. Introspection's fine, but wallowing just stops me from realizing how awesome I am.

As Barney (from How I Met Your Mother) said, "When i'm sad, i stop being sad and i become awesome instead."

True Story.

But it's hard being awesome sometimes.

Because being awesome's a great burden, when you commit yourself to that path, well, you can't just say the world's not good enough, because the truly awesome don't depend on the world to make them awesome.

Perhaps that's a generator of much of my fears.

Or perhaps the matter's simply a fear of failure.

Or both, or everything or shabiddie-dooda-dee-do, etc.

But you can't let that fear keep you.

Fear cannot master the soul.

Because God has freed it.

Amen.

Anywho, just a short little juant on a snowy day where the weather outside is frightful and the weather inside my brain is a little less than delightful.

But as long as you love me so, hey let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

It just takes some time, little girl

Right now, things aren't bad, in fact things are pretty good, that scares me on several levels. First level is the whole, I think something catastrophic is going to go wrong feeling. I think this happens to a lot of depressed people, they are used to the whole depressed state of mind that when they get cheered up they feel that it must eventually collapse because happy is such an unusual state of mind for them. Or at least that is the way it is for me. But lately I've had a good way of dealing with my depressive moods, before they get too bad I simply force myself to face the truth that I am ultimately in charge of my brain and that even if I feel that I am too weak to take command of my feelings God can always give me the strength I need to overcome my disease. Also, I've realized that often I give in to my disease as a means of escaping my anxieties, fears and responsibilities, if I've already given up on life I no longer need to struggle against my problems. Realizing that, I simply remind myself that I can deal with my problems and so I don't need to give up. These realizations aren't new, but I've been getting better at utilizing them. So my depressive problems aren't as bad as they used to be, but still every now and then I look at my life and think, well, things are good now, but they've been good before, but then they collapsed, so inevitably they must collapse again. I remind myself that collapse is not really inevitable but the fear remains in the back of my head, but still it's not too bad, but on the other hand that's only one level of my fear about things being good.

Another level of that fear is now that things are good I worry about being complacent or settling into a routine. Some people like routines, like stability, like getting into a good pattern and staying still in a good place. Not me, at least not really. I think perhaps if I found the right place with the right person, maybe I could be satisfied with staying still. But I don't have that, so I'm filled with this need to move, to be active, to be in motion. I feel desperate to create, to advance, to change. Things are good now and I worry that I might just stay still, treading water, until I look around and find all my opportunities have gone away and I'm deeply dissatisfied with my life.

This leads me to a third level of fear. This would be my fear of the challenges attempting to move forward always bring. When things are good, I can take on new challenges like trying to ask girls out and trying to get a better internship. And I'm worried that I'll fail if I try, or even that I'll fail at trying if I try to try. And that fear gets to me and stops me, and delays me from doing important things, but ultimately I still have my faith, I still have my hope, I still have love in my heart and so I can still overcome these things. Things are good, and I think they're going to get better. Afterall I am Rand, the mighty and glorious, and Rand's awesome. So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!