Secrets are me-cret, I suppose

So let me let you in on a little secret (not really a secret, more of a piece of advice), universities have a lot of free info and stuff. But you might say hey I don't go to a university. Well, okay that might limit you a little, but the trick is to go to professors' pages. You can usually get a ton of free explanations and guides and history facts from professors' pages, and usually they have little to no checking. Hey, probably professors' like to have random people check out their subject-matter. You don't want to let the professors down, do you?

Still alive

But working hard for the money, so hard for the honey, I work hard for the money so give me some money and honey... yeah!

So got to go. Be back soon.

Looks like my fortune's faded

I guess this song sort of fits me right now: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded

I'm not really sad, just a bit melancholy. I'm even a little glad, but not hugely, but I'm not apathetic, I'm not numb, I'm just filled with emotions with no direction. There's not even the general tearing of profound ambivalence. I used to think the word sanguine described this sensation, but sanguine refers to a sort of enthusiastic happiness, and that's really absolutely not how I'm feeling.

Of course this gives me an opportunity to define a new word: "half-blooded" let it be called. Filled with sensation, but not happy, not sad, just full and drifting, but not to the extent it endangers me in it of itself. It's a feeling that's just not right. I supposed all and all its bad, but not very bad, it's just... well, I invented a new word for it for a reason (other than the fact I just enjoy making new words).

Actually one danger of this feeling is how easily it slips into a full depressive sense with no motivation and antagonism towards life. But with a little work and a little resistance that can be overcome... hopefully.

Usually in such a situation of such a feeling I'd either think about how to radically change my life or panic. The natural instinct is do nothing, but doing nothing just gets you deeper into this emotional quicksand. And yet...

And yet, for the most part that is what I intend to do. I'm not intending any radical changes to fix my life right now, because things are going to change even if I didn't want them to. Because I'm graduating.

If I change everything now and throw things off balance, a crash is possible and some good degree of distraction from work is almost certain, and I just don't have time for that.

6 classes. 1 month. + some jobage stuff. Just in a little bit, and then all up, all out, and I'm out.

So perhaps I can wait through whatever's keeping me down right now. Whatever configurations in my life I make before grad will be thrown into disarray anyways so...

Well for now I just got to keep on pressing on.

God willing, that'll be enough.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

We need a long burn

Ah the burning sleepiness of the insomniatic, overworked, under-energized, madman wonder-worker!

And you wonder why I haven't posted lately!

But I will, I will, I WILL!!!

Do not fear, Rand remains here.

And if you want to get more of the good old Randishness while I'm out being lazy and/or tired, you can check out my other webposts:

http://johnhistoryman.blogspot.com
http://mathimoto.blogpsot.com

But soon, soon I say, even later this day, I WILL POST AGAIN!!!

YOU CAN BE SURE OF IT!!!

Walkabout

I had been thinking for a couple weeks now, that I would take a break of 6 months. Actually I had been thinking about a year off but I had told my family 6 months because I wanted to ease them into the concept. They did not respond favorably to the proposal.

Mostly their objections were you're going to get nothing out of it, I'll loose my "focus," I'll have to explain it to my employers, and other more minor complaints.

But I have answers to all of that, to a degree. What am I going to get out of 6 months off? A break from everything. Some easy time. A chance to sharpen my job skills. An opportunity to get some new exposures. Some time to seek out romance (although there's a perfectly reasonable objection to that: who wants to date a guy with no job?). Most importantly, I always have side projects which could use some working.

What about my "focus"? My focus has always been on my own stuff. Jobs and such have always been a route to get that, and so I don't think taking time off will dampen my focus.

With explanation to employers? Plenty of people take some time off, it wouldn't be a strange thing to talk about to an employer.

And there are more minor answers to more minor objections.

But while all those objections are answerable, they are only answerable to a degree. They all tend to add little bits of discontent into the plan.

Ultimately though, the real breaking point is this, what really would I be doing for 6 months? Taking a break? I'd get bored quick. Working on projects? Well, I can do that, but if I really want to focus on that, I'd have to reorient my life into a sort of work-like mindset. Traveling? Well, I can do that a little, but eventually my money's going to run out.

Ultimately, I'd be half-assing everything. I'd be doing a little working, a little relaxing, a little traveling, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and nothing of anything enough to get some real satisfaction. So in the end it just doesn't make sense to take that amount of time out.

So then why did I come up with that idea?

I suppose I wanted to have a moment of my life that was really, really mine. But the thing is even with no work, no devotion to a single project, no focus, there are still obligations, there are still pressures, and then there's still the needs to work, to strive...

To find God and pursue righteousness.

And while sometimes I find that burden heavy, Jesus will help me carry it. And it might be hard sometimes, but you still need to soldier on.

Tell me there's a moment for me

Ah, that new semester smell. All the world's filled with possibilities and the reality of work does not lay on my back lie a two-ton rhino with a vendetta. And I have that oh-so-faintly possible hope that I might this semester actually work hard and keep on top of things. On the plus side, mentally, physically, socially, spiritually I have never (or almost never) felt better. On the minus side, I'm taking 6 classes (although 2 of which are with professors I know to be tough but interesting and fair), I'm dealing with a Princeton Review class (although that should end mid-February), I'm trying to up my writing skills and improve this webpost, I'm involved with the Rutgers Indian Christian Fellowship (who I kind of neglected last semester, unfortunately) and WRSU, as well as any other clubs I might pick up an interest in, furthermore, I had hoisted upon me the presidency of my Malankara Catholic church youth group, and I'm trying to maintain and if possible improve my social life. Looming over everything is my search for a new job and the planning I need to do for after graduation.

But calming down a bit, all those things seem feasible. Classes don't take up that much time, the P. Review classes are only 3-6 hours each weekend, the youth group presidency is lessened by the low-expectations due to our youth group's chronic inactivity, a social life once in motion tends to stay in motion and I've been getting help from a variety of sources in my job search. Moreover, on the writing side, I'm getting more discipline and finding that creativity is following the demand for work.

So things are seeming good, yet that statement always carries a little bit of terror with it. If things are good now, is the collapse of the current situation a simple inevitablity. Afterall my mental illness moves in cycles (I'm trying to simplify my search topics that you see at the bottom of the post, so in the future all my posts about mental illness will be under the topic mental health), and so what if I'm just on an up-swing. Hasn't all my past suggested that I cannot maintain good times?

Undoubtably I'm going to suffer some bad times sometime in the future, but that's simply a reflection that I've got a long future left (it's odd, about a year ago I was so worried about my mental illness that I was convinced that I was unlikely to make 30, but nowadays I actually believe in my future which probably is a very good sign). But I think I've learned from the past, and my mental abilities (some of them, although I wonder sometimes what my mental abilities would be like if I had no disease and didn't have to take medication (mental illness medication tends to cause side effects that dampen some mental abilities, I think before I started taking medication I could read faster and remember more, but then again my depression screwed up a whole lot of my mental abilities, and moreover through repeated effort I think my thinking skills are once again grade A, and anything my med.s have cost has been more than made up due to the lessening of my depressive and suicidal impulses), my coping skills, and my spiritual depth (although I don't want to claim some special spiritual gift, I am a man of devout faith and I am proud of my faith however large or small it may be in the ultimate measurement) (some people will say "I have no regrets" but I think that expression can't be taken literally, everyone has times in the past when they acted last than perfectly, yet I think what that expression really means is that they are proud of who they are now, and so they would not want to lose that by messing with their past, and so by that reckoning I have no regrets (probably)), have I think been increased, and so maybe I will face bad times, but maybe I won't be destroyed by them, maybe the next time crises hit me on the left and on the right I will avoid crumpling into a ball of intense depression.

Afterall I am RAND!!!! But more seriously, the future is always an undiscovered country, to paraphrase Star Trek VI (a very good movie if you ask me, and you should ask me, because I am RAND!!!), and I believe that while the past can foreshadow our difficulties, it does not predestine us. Furthermore, as a man of devout faith, as I have said before, I think that even the destiny that our traits and circumstances may make likely can be moved through the will of God. So my point is we are not bound by our past, and maybe I will slip into depression again, but maybe then I will become even better at dealing with my disease and with life in general and maybe then I will be able to resist any depressions after that or maybe...

Maybe, no mater what depressions I might face, I will still live my life in a fashion I can be proud of, in pursuit of rightousness, and with a heart that believes completely and utterly in God and His everylasting Love.

And maybe then, chasing the ideal above all ideals, I will rise above my past. Maybe even though I am a boat against the current borne back by the tides of the past, maybe even those tides can be navigated or broken to allow me to reach the furthest sea (drawing for this analogy from The Great Gatsby and maybe some other works of literature that is dancing about in my mind (I think the furthest sea comes from some place or other)).

Anyways, before I get too serious, let me remind you all that orange juice is a good juice and you should drink more of it (and people shouldn't manufacture watered down orange juice, I mean I admit that for shipping reasons you need concentrate, but some of the watery crap that people sell in stores... it just ain't no good, it just ain't no good).

So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your hearts, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks! (I'm wondering if I should end with God Bless! instead of Goodnight Folks!, God Bless! is a good sentiment, but it sort of pegs my webpost, perhaps unfairly, as completely religious and while I like to think I talk without fear about my religion here, I also talk of other matters and so perhaps the more secular Goodnight Folks! is more appropriate, I could do both but on a regular basis that seems too bulk. Oh well, for today let me say Goodnight Folks and God Bless!

California, show your teeth

So I'm leaving California, and that makes me think about that line in Danni California that goes: California rest in peace. But I already used California rest in peace as the title of a different session about a previous trip to California, so I just shot up another line from Danni California.

Of course there are a number of other California-related songs I could have quoted from, after all California is a bit of a powerful place in the imagination.

My brother says that California has probably the highest standard of living in the nation, and he's probably right. In sheer income, NJ I think is harder, but in terms of services, environment, and other pleasant factors, California I do think has a higher standard of living. Still NJ rocks harder, in the depths of its heart, than California ever could, that's just the way it is. I'm not denying that.

But it may come soon a time for me to leave good old New Jersey. The jobs there aren't as good, the cold there is quite cold, and the traveling there only takes me so far. Perhaps the time will come, and not too long now, when I will depart from NJ grounds. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps...

But for now I'm leaving for NJ again.

There's a bit of nervousness to me now, a bit of fear, a bit of crazy. I said I'm not going to obsess about crappy moods in my life (most recently here), and I stand by that, but I believe in introspection including in the bad times, and so let me touch on my moods, and I will try not to obsess into excess.

So as I said, there's a bit of fear to me and a bit of crazy. Part of that could just be the fact that I'm regretting things I didn't get a chance to do, or that I spend too much money, or whateever, when I look at things more objectively, I can say, sure I spend a good deal of money, but overall through the year I don't spend that much and this was a special moment, and in terms of amount of use I got out of this trip, well it was: extreme brother visiting, extreme funness, extreme meeting peopleness, extreme city-exploring, extreme awesome man, extreme awesome...

So that's what the trip was like. And so I rocked it pretty hard.

So that's not really the root of things as things go. My current off-good mood is I think more the fact of what's about to come after my return from California than what came before it.

Now... and now...

Now I need to deal with life and its lifeness. With you know working sort of life. I need to do classes, find a job, do P-review work on stories, work on comics and other projects and insane many, many things. I basically need to go on with life as I did before, except this time do things better since before I messed things up. Which is a tall order, since I was trying damn hard in all my time before break, but now I need to do better than even damn hard and...

But that's all a little bit of mistakes I say. My life isn't that hard if I actually relax a little bit. And I've learned some skills and lessons from my mistakes and circumstances in my life are actually better than they were before (to some degree) and...

And I haven't done that bad in the past with my life and even if I mess up it probably won't be that bad and even if it is I can still go on, living as best as I can, investing through striving a beauty in my life and...

And if I trust in God, I will be okay. Least that's how I believe it. And if you want things a bit more secular for you, let me point out that I try to do good with my life, and I think that's what makes a life good, and so if I keep on trying, even with the mess ups, I think in the end I'll still have a good life when all is accounted for. Of course, who does the accounting? (I have an answer, but mine should be apparent by now)

And so we push onwards...

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Dunnn-Dunnn-Dunnn-Dun-Dun-Dunnnadunna-Dunnn-Dun-Dun-Dunnnn

(Kansas - Carry On My Wayward Son)

Oh yeah!!!!

So that's what I'm saying about that. So anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Even this too, well, let's just go RAND!!!

And it's...it's...it's The Rand Show!!!!

So much Rand-ness, so little time.

(Note I did not use Randiness, because that's prone to misinterpretations, and I have enough misinterpretable words in my sessions as it is)

Anywho, I've talked about my future plans quite a bit in this forum. If it's a bit tiresome, you can always post a comment about it (you silly bums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). It is tad tiresome for me myself, but then again, my mind is a-buzzing with thoughts of my career nowadays and one of the primary reasons for this webpost is that I want to expose the wonders of the universe of my thoughts to the rest of the world. So it is and so it shall be.

But the reason my mind is a-buzzing with thoughts of my future and the like is because, well, there's graduation in 4 months. This May, I, the great and glorious Rand will be out of college, quite a momentous event, don't you think so? Yet with May 2008 so close I am forced to think, to really think and not just wonder and fantasize, about my job plans. And so the thoughts inevitably are stuck in my head, and for what it's worth they're not all grim, but there's an uncertain mix of hope and despair which is spinning around in my skull, giving me an uneasiness, which while common to me, is uncomfortable.

Now I've talked about all this is an irritatingly general matter, let me be a bit more specific. As one might guess from my 100+ sessions in The Rand Show (according to mySpace it's over 300, and according to blogger.com it's close to 200, but both of those count the mini-posts and I think mySpace counts even some of the times I edit posts), I'd like to be a writer. In addition to my skills at webposting, I think I have a decent talent for poetry and story-telling. I also wouldn't mind writing news-reports or reviews and the like. So basically, yeah, I want to write.

But writing isn't exactly what you'd call an in-demand field, right now, or really ever.

Writers are a dime-a-dozen and places that really need professional writers are rare. So that is my conundrum.

If I went strictly for creative writing, then my career future would be a long-shot gamble, so I'm not going to do that. Somewhat more stable, however, is journalism. Journalists get regular opportunities to write and get published and they build the connections necessary for publishing someday say a novel or book of poems. But even journalism, is well, it's not an impossible field to break into or even a long-shot gamble like creative writing, rather it's simply hard to get into journalism. So I suppose the direction then is to work hard. And make contingencies.

My contingencies are based working in fields which while more stable than journalism are not too far away. This will allow me to build experience that can be used for journalism, but it will also give me credentials that can help me get a job as a journalist, especially if lack of credentials is what's stopping me from getting a job in the first place. Good options are things like technical writing, proof-reading, or editing work.

But with all those contingencies and compromises, I always am afraid I'm going to lose the Rand-ness of Rand. And beyond that, what is the Rand-ness of Rand really that I'm trying to keep and which hopefully should be my dream job. I think it's story telling, but is it really... or am I just playing the foolity fool.

It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell any of this, I have these plans, but that's all they are plans. And moreover many of these plans are means to an end (working as a writer), can I be sure that they won't end up being the entire end of my existence...

And where in all this does my personal life factor in...

All questions. Some good, some bad, some paranoid and stupid. But they're still there, and I doubt they'll ever leave. A lifetime is a long time and for plans that span a lifetime, well there's got to be some uncertainty built into them. But that's okay, this may be an uncertain world, but in me is a spark of the divine, and that is constant and certain. And more certain than anything is the grand Divine that watches from above. And I think if I try in good faith all these plans and ideas, perhaps then chaos will fall, but even so I'll be alright.

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

The end remains, but perhaps the guilt should not

There's a certain emptiness in my mind that I get about this time of the year. It's a kin to but distinct to the emptiness I get at the beginning of summer. I suppose it could just be the cold winter reaching it's peak. But I think, with some more certainty it really is in the end the dread of change approaching. The fall semester is over, and now something new is beginning. What that is for me is a matter of trips.

I'm going to India for two weeks and then to California for two weeks, I think I've said all of that before. What is important is that's a big change, but then again then there's a big change in me going back to the spring semester.

And what does it all mean?

Change is a coming I guess, it's a part of human nature, but it's hard once you invest so much into a certain routine, spend so much time trying to master it, and then it's all gone.

I always dream of change, but then when it comes, I have to admit there's a bit of me that's terrified. Not just of what's beyond that change, although that scares me certainly, but it's my role in that new world. And moreover, my utter unpreparedness for this new world, one I simply can't fathom. Well, of course I can have some good idea of the world I'm plunging into, since I've done trips to India and California before and I've certainly done spring semesters before, but things never end up exactly as you expect them and always end up falling apart on you. And then you piece everything together and then that phase ends, and you're sent on to another one, always on and on and on.

(If you're noticing a British-tinge to my writing for a sec. (I'm not sure if this is or is not the case) it's because I'm watching Doctor Who in the meantime while I'm writing)

It's always hardest at the beginning and then right above the end, and then easy at the very end, but then terrifying as the end actually occurs.

But the potential, the potential you get in the changes, it's amazing.

And so I'm dealing with my life, I'm getting through with the changes, I'm passing beyond the end and then further beyond it to all those good old phases to come.

I wonder although, but I wonder if all this constant changes and new phases (well not really constant more occasionally occurring), if I've learned anything from all of it (well I suppose I've learned everything from the changes in my life), and I wonder if I've learned to deal with these new phases any better.

Perhaps if anything, if anything I've learned lately (I mean over time I've learned stuff, etc. about dealing with problems), I've learned finally perhaps to leave old matters be, allow myself to move on from the old phases without being consumed by the legacies of guilt which make me mess up in the future, sending more guilt and more, infinitely. But I've been trying to learn to put that stuff aside once the guilt is done, and I think I've been getting better at it. I think I've finally learned that when you mess up, once it's done, it's done, and obsessing over it isn't going to help me.

But really, every now and then, I'm feeling a guilt about not feeling guilty, but I suppose then, it's just a matter of remnants. Of course there is some just guilt and I by no means have been cured of guilt and I think, I think I have plenty to be over the top of the just guilt. But I feel like, almost I ought to feel pain when I do something wrong, that I should carry a pain for every mistake that never goes away. But if God can forgive me, than why can't I forgive myself? What good does all that eternal pain do me, especially if it all just serves to make me mess up further and further again and again, infinitely.

Ah, but infinity is a long time.

But then again, I'm Rand the Mighty and Glorious.

And so perhaps, perhaps it is time to let go of the guilt, for there are all those new worlds waiting to be explored and I'd like to be a little light on my feet without the weight of the ages.

GET PUMPED! FINALS!!!

Can't say I'm greatly happy with my more recent posts, but I can't say I've been happy with the necessity for intensive studies for finals. But that'll be over soon, and hopefully my sessions will improve after that's all done then, but after that I might be busy with trips and such. Oh well, such is the way of the world. In the longer course of things I need to develop a greater discipline in writing and do on-time quality sessions without fail (perhaps for multiple webposts) and then bonus it all with a page or more of drafting for some stories and such. But if I'm aways from that goal, I'm trying to get closer and I think I am bit by bit. Perhaps, maybe, we'll see I suppose and all.

Well, one final done and one to go. I have to say I'm not greatly impressed with my performance on my Number Theory final. It was a ton to remember but with at least one of my errors I should have been able to remember if not exactly what to do for the proof the general methodology that would have led me to the right answer. Not that most of you will be caring terribly about the details, but I'd say I probably are going to get around a 85, but my range could go from a 70-90, or beyond. As for the course itself B probably, but overall a total range of F-A. It really depends on how much my missed homeworks hurt me (to be honest I've asked for some consideration on the matter, it has been a long semester with emotions/mental health and all and I think overall I probably deserve some consideration for the matter, although I'm always unsure if I truly deserve any of the breaks I get for my mental health problems).

But that's that.

And so I might get through all this and I might not.

But really, as it goes, school isn't the deciding factor of how I'm going to get through my life.

Then what is school really?

Well, as I've said before, I've always thought of school as a matter of a game (well, no I haven't always thought about it like that, but that's how I'm trying to think about it nowadays).

And now I've actually thought up a justification for that impression.

Alright, where else but school and games do you do a combination of easy, tedious, and mind-blowingly difficult tasks that have little to no impact on the real world even though there is a reward (although the reward is pretty damn valuable, and so the game is worth some importance and highly worth seizing in oppotunity talk) at the end of the contest.

Thus school = game.

Think about it.

Anyways, still insanely busy with school.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

The Savagely Long Night of ___________________

(I previously had this post using my full name, but because of the whole companies searching for my name to check me out and then reacting badly to the medical/mental stuff here, I had to take it out. It sucks, it's not how things, but F-ing A-, that's the way the world is.)

I was a little iffy on using this title after using The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari for a previous post and I was also worried that it would sound too whiny but now that I see it I'm pretty satisfied with it. I think the key to using the title was using the word "Savagely" and my full name (I'm not sure if most of you have ever seen my middle name Zacheriah, it's actually sounded out something like Zuck-er-ee-ah and for a long time I didn't know how to spell or pronounce it, but it's still a nice name (it belonged to my maternal grandfather, although he spelled it differently, in a more confusing way that was part of the reason I had so much trouble remembering the real spelling)).

Anyways, I meant to write this yesterday, but I was incredibly sleepy and so I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 9:30. I say that to reflect how savagely long the nights of this last week have actually been. Essentially all the days and nights of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning-evening merged into one night. I had 3 final projects and I ended up sleeping never more than 5 hours a night with the sleeping being designed as more like naps between work. My eating was severely curtailed as I didn't want to leave my room to stop working, usually I only ate tons of junk food from the vending machines. I showered rarely, brushed rarely, and overall stretched my physical and actually also mental health until it nearly snapped. But that's over now. You can enter into a work-focused state like that every now and then, but if you want to avoid snappage eventually you need to stop.

But once again, now that's done, well for now. I still have two finals, and they will require mad amounts of studying, but that shouldn't be insanely stressful.

So now WINTER BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Long Day's Night

So today I'm probably going to get little to no sleep. However, I'm feeling decently awake enough so that I think I can make it through most of the night. Because, well, chances are I'm going to have to make it through most of the night. A 10-12 page paper analyzing 3 films doesn't write itself (unless...).

So this is the last piece of the first part of my finals' period. The first part is the final papers part, while I prefer final papers do to my creative bent, also due to the fact that I think they're a better measure of knowledge and I usually do well on them, it is usually this period that is the more stressful part. The reason for that is that studying for an exam you feel some pressure, but not an urgent, I need to finish pressure, since you're just going over material that you know chances are you can never master completely, but which you are getting better at with every run over. But there is no I need to do this, this and this, with studying, and there is usually no creative, I need to figure out how to do this, pressure with studying (unless you have no clue about a part of the subject matter and you don't have time to ask anybody about it (tip to other students and prospective college/high school students, when you're having trouble with material ask people about it, don't let pride, fear or laziness get in the way, it is infinitely helpful academic-wise to ask people questions about what you're having trouble on, and it also helps to build relationships (I wish I had asked more questions of people this and every other semester, well, something to work on for next semester)).

But with the first part of the finals' period, the final projects section, you've got a long period of pressure building to the deadline. An exam is in the end only a few hours of intense work, final projects can give days of mind-numbing pressure, and not just of the exhaustive I have lots of work kind, but also of the mind crushing creative pressure kind. And of course all of this brings up physical illness, mental illness, and there are other matters which weigh on you.

Basically it ends up an endurance test, which every semester I pass with mixed results. Usually I'm able to do well with all the projects but every now and then one of the projects suffers greatly. This semester I think all of the projects have mixed success, maybe getting a B-A range. But I still got one left and so I still got more truckin' to do.

And so what does it end up with?

Well, I'm still in that endurance test, struggling to avoid collapse until I can finish my projects and get a momentary release (of course then I have the second part of my finals, which is to say the actual final tests, and that should be intensely difficult but not nearly as stressful especially since there are only 2 tests). Right now, I've been undermining my health with junk food, tons of soda, no sleep, I've been undermining my hygine with few showers and reusing clothes, I've been neglecting projects, neglecting social contacts, neglecting this webpost. I've been on and off insane, which has horribly damaged my efforts (several days I've found myself unable to work despite a desperate need to). Besides all that I'm adjusting to new meds and seesawing back and forth between focusedness and mindless drifting.

And yet this is life, or at least a part of it. On the other hand, it's not all of it. I'm not in that bad shape mentally or physically that I can't take it. Or say I am, well, with God's help I'll persevere.

And that's what these tough times are all about, persevering, breaking through to the other side. Just make sure there's an other side to beak through to.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

There's a reason why they call it a gutshot

It's easy to be seduced by the gutshot straight draw (for you non-poker players out there that's when you have all but one of the cards for a straight, but you're missing one in the middle, thus there's only one (although perhaps in several suits) card that can complete your straight, but if you get that straight you can beat any pair or any two pair). It makes for an immensely dramatic win of course, but it's actually pretty rarely satisfied. And yet it's so easy to go all in on it, just hoping for a spectacularly lucky fall of the cards that'll give you a legendary win.

But you can't depend on legends.

I think perhaps one of my problems in my poker playing is a matter of lust. A lust for that suddenly, utterly perfect win. But perfect wins are rare. You need to make do with imperfect, stuttering victories that sometimes just scrape the bottom. You can't depend on legends.

On the other hand, you can't be afraid of the cards either. You can't expect to lose whenever you let someone into the hand. You have to be willing to risk a loss sometimes, so you can take in a greater win. You can't let a lust for an easy victory undermine the greater more difficult one.

I think those two demons of lust are what undermine my poker playing. While keeping them in mind will deflate them, the ultimate cure of this dilemma is just playing through them until they are defeated. Because in the end, someone who lusts after poker will be destroyed by that, but one who carries a simple love of the game will be enriched by it, even if he never wins a pot (although chances are he will win more often as well).

So that's my thoughts about that. Sorry that my posting's going to have to be scarce over the next couple days (most likely), but school's a drool and I've got to be going at it.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And my brain's still bleeding

There's work and there's work. And there's sometimes there's well, then sometimes there's just the Rand Show.

And yet my brain's still bleeding. Largely because this day has been (and given I still have a number of things to do, is continuing to be) another intense chapter of an intense week.

Low sleep + lot's of thinking (Number Theory isn't for the faint of brain, unless they're too stubborn to realize they're faint of brain) + lots of projects (I got all these nice little plans for my projects all laid out, and now they're going to horribly collapse once I start to implement them) + career thinking (careers, careers, careers, and braziers) + More Johnny means More Better = my brain, my brain, it bleeds!!!

But, despite things being intense, I'm finding surprisingly that work's getting done at a decent clip. The question is whether I can maintain it at this clip. And the answer to that would be no. I've already been missing far too much sleep, spending far too little time with my friends and family, and adding to a dangerous stress potential that could explode at any moment (by this I mean while I'm not stressed out right now, if I didn't reassure myself that the situation was doable I would be immensely, explosively stressed). That said, I should be able to get a leet beet of time to relax in about a week. That also said, I also am going to have to be studying hard for my finals (although compared to the amount of work I'm juggling now that should not be (but it could be) a problem). Those two things said, my mostly open finals period should give me some time to hang with my buds which should be immensely relaxing (hopefully), and with all of that said I must reveal the deep dark secret:

I'm going to India.

Actually only for two weeks, which is a relatively short trip. But then it's off to California for two weeks. And all you loyal readers will be going waaaah, waah, waah (you know you will be). And I'm just going to have to try to post when I can, or maybe, just maybe I might be able to get a fill-in poster, but my previous attempts to acquire such an individual have been unsuccessful.

It's strange being busy. For most of my life, doing one thing that was not school-related was a full day. Doing two things not school related, now that was a busy day. Laziness, fear of failure, yammering complaints, all them were keeping me down (and not down in the d-town). But here I am, actually busy. Weird.

I tend to surprise myself that I often rise to the occasion when needed. That's not to brag because the occasion is usually my own fault. But it is a little bit of comfort. And it is a hope, because there will surely be occasions in the future and almost certainly one of those occasions will kill me, after all we all need to go sometime.

But hopefully, even that occasion I can rise to, and hopefully I can lie on my death bed with my fear overwhelmed by hope, love and faith.

And the return never felt better, except the time it did

So I've been missing some sessions lately. And I'm not going to elaborate why. Deal with it (preferably by giving me lots of money, you know if I had lots of money I wouldn't be missing as many sessions). Anywho, I have a funny story to tell you my good reader people and such, today I went a-speed-dating. Brutal. Yeah, just brutal. 3-min's per girl. Rapid fire questioning, the only way to avoid it: think of as many questions as you can. Blanking out 99% of the time. Constantly moving. Trying hard to scribble down the right name and number on the interest sheet so that she can get your contact info. Yeah, just brutal. And what do you get? A very off chance of actually making an impression on a girl. Now I'm awesome, but sometimes people don't realize that about me at first, they should, but sometimes it just doesn't happen, it's nobody's fault really (except yours Mel).

So that's speed dating. But heck, somebody might call me up and I might be able to get something nice from all this and that, so it's good stuff. Well, it's still brutal. I've got to wonder overall is all dating like this? Probably not. I mean if I know the girl decently before hand, her company will probably be pleasant, but there's a degree of nervousness that's inevitable in dating that just sucks. And there's so many people to go through before you hit one where she likes you and you like her and in that special way that a relationship forms. And it's tiring. Still no pain, no gain. But it would be nice if people just recognized my awesomeness, assessed their compatibility to my awesomeness and just came to me (I suppose this would be similar to saying I wished girls asked guys out more, so yeah, I'll say that, but I'm also saying that more people should call me awesome, for I AM RAND!!!).

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Hello folks and stuff (it would be cool if some stuff were reading this webpost, but alas, my audience is mostly made up of folks).

Yesterday I was planning a big statement on the desperate situation I was in and how I was just barely pulling things off by the skin of my ass, but it was All Saint's Day and so I decided to write about that.

As to my situation, I've been having trouble getting my work done, I don't know why, but it's like this. I had on my computer for two-three days all the necessary components to make a project over a week overdue work and I resisted putting it all together. Instead I fiddled with things, tried to make things cleaner, and then I tried to make things more complex. By the end I had about 2 and 1/2 versions of the program that should have worked. Eventually I settled down my brain enough to take the simplest version, sand off the rough edges and send it off.

But why?

I can't say I'm sure. But there has to be a why.

Every action needs a reason and every inaction needs a reason, it's impossible to really and truly be still. That's the problem with nihilism, the enthusiasm for the purposelessness of life is never strong enough to stop the instinct to act or to purposefully be inactive. To commit suicide would take a heck of a reason (usually self-hatred), but to live requires acting, or at the very least responding to the actions that surround us. And whatever our response is that has a reason.

But why did I just screw myself over by leaving my project undone for a week? I don't know, maybe it was biology, maybe nurture, the point is it was something that I had to away from.

Curiosity drives me to investigate my mental state, but also a desire to prevent problems from happening again. But still, worrying too much about my mental problems breed more problems which distracts me from bigger concerns...

What are the bigger concerns? Life, Truth, Love, etc. If I went by my feelings, and especially my feelings last week I would say nothing, nothing mattered, and eventually as the pains in my depression grew I would simply conclude that avoidance of pain mattered only and then flip, I'll be dead. But instead I take what feels to be the core and most beautiful principle of my beliefs, and then use reason and experience to go from there. And that's how I got to here, a follower of God Most High.

But that has nothing to do with the title of this session. I've been rambling, but not unpleasantly, and yet I still feel compelled to stop. So's your face! It always works.

Anyways, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

A matter of clouds

I, I the man of the Rand and the Rand of the man, persevere in spite of attempts by giant fish to stop me. But no giant fish will defeat me, for I am John!!!

But let that matter be discarded. I remember in about 4th or 5th grade I still liked school. Perhaps I didn't admit it because of peer pressure, but overall I enjoyed being at school. It was only with middle school school really started to bug me. Perhaps that was because with the dawning of my hormones my anxiety problems got kicked into to overdrive.

After that, minor social anxiety blossomed into full on social paranoia (I use paranoia here in a very loose, ultra-loose, barely hanging on to the threads of syntax loose sense (basically any rapid-fire depressing, self-hating, fearful thoughts)). Basically my mind exploded. And any sense of social satisfaction I got from school evaporated. And so I had school work. But investing myself in my school work put such intense performance stress on me that it almost killed the alien embryo that I'm raising in my stomach. Or maybe it just gave me anxiety attacks, either one.

So I had to choose whether or not I wanted to attach my worth to my grades. And all my upbringing, my experiences, my culture, etc. suggested to me in the end that while grades were good and an accomplishment, they were not a measure of worth. But let me caution, I presented here a relatively linear process of an intellectual trend, but the mind doesn't work that way, it don't, my friend, it simply don't. Another factor to my disconnecting my sense of worth from my school work was my disconnect from the idea of school being its own universe with teachers having a natural, if not always welcome spot at it head, to it simply being a tiny piece of the universe with teachers being just people without an inherent superiority to me. Suddenly doing well by their measures seemed submitting to an unnecessary (and by my then reasoning automatically unjust) authority. Teenage rebellion, et. al. I suppose. And then there was my religious journey which led me to conclude that earthly authorities must always be subject to heavenly authorities. Etc. So there were a lot of factors.

Then if school (and let me include college here (although college does differ from primary and secondary schooling in some theoretical points which I won't get into here)) wasn't a measure of worth, then what was it supposed to be. More or less a stepping stone, a tool. Intellectually that's how I view it. But emotionally, it's hard to see it as less than confinement. Perhaps that's just a manifestation of my wanderlust soul. Or in more charitable terms an imposition. It's hard to stand that, and perhaps that's a reason why I have such trouble sticking to my classes. But in the way I think about things I actually have less care for school than work. At least when I'm working I get a feeling that I'm building some organization or something, but with school it feels like all my effort is going to nothing except satisfying the expectations of others. Perhaps I can say that when I'm in lecture there's the satisfaction of learning but with tests, projects, and essays, etc. (although occasionally I do feel satisfaction from projects and essays since they involve some creativity, it usually is as much or more giving a feeling of burden). In the end, I just can't take a great deal of satisfaction from school, at least as long as I keep on looking on it as a burden.

Perhaps a better way of looking at matters would be to see school as a game. And the whole matter becomes a competition when it comes to grades. Now many people dislike that analogy because it puts too much stress on kids and undermines their feelings of friendship. But that's only if you look at it as an immensely important game. But let's take this as a pretty important game, not hugely important, you can rebound from bad grades, but it's still got some gravity to it. And there is some fun to it with the learning and all. And then there is some accomplishment to getting a good grade. But it isn't the accomplishment of say a medal of honor, or something that suggests quality in a person (even if a person's true quality is a matter hidden in the brain, personal, and in my mind moreover a matter of how they view the world instead of what they accomplish, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah). Rather a good grade in school is like a victory in football, or soccer, or Magic: The Gathering.

And when it comes down to it, it isn't really a victory over your competitors, they rather are your fellow-travelers in the game, a victory in a game is a victory over its rules, its obstacles and your own limits. Perhaps, if I looked at school like that, it might become palatable again. Stranger things have happened.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Shaving the Tom

Here's a little piece of work from the archieves (mine, not the website's, certainly not yours, and not MMR's, although one day...).

Shaving the Tom
by Rand

It was late at night, but I was reading a book of some sort and so the hour had become irrelevant. My roommate Tom was fiddling around with his computer, surfing the web or something of the like. The dorm room was small, but our activities were modest and so it was enough. It wasn't decorated terrifically, but Tom had put up a poster or two, slightly livening up the dull whiteness of the walls. There was only a small corridor between the mess originating from my side of the room and the one originating from his side. It was walkable for a few people, but not for many. My mess was more newspapers and books than anything else, his was more interesting, it had magazines, weights, DVDs, and other accessories of a less geeky man. We did not have a great room, but it served our purposes, which were modest, especially that evening. For once, the floor seemed to complement that modesty with silence. Most of our floormates were asleep and the others had their doors closed, and for once there was no poker in the lounge. But of course, there were a few others who like us did not respect sleep.

We kept our door closed normally as a matter of privacy and at night we kept it locked so that we wouldn't have to lock it as we each slowly lost the will to remain awake. But we knew that at any moment of the day or night a poker game could break out on our floor so we responded to any knock promptly and without suspicion. That night was no different and when there was a knock we bore none. He was a big man, both in girth and height, although he was not fat and there was obviously a lot of strength to him. I don't think he would be afraid to open the door in the middle of the night any where in the world, and since I was lazy, he was the one to answer the knock. He undid the lock and opened the door with a somewhat sleepish look on his face, but that look was instantly dispelled when he saw what was in the hallway. What replaced it was a feverish excitement as he tried in vain to push the door closed. But it was too late, the two men on the other side succeeded in forced it open. The two were Chris F. (there were two other Chris's on our floor) and Bill, two of mine and Tom's friends from the floor, often they came to our door to talk or play cards, but this time they held a chair and a razor and both Tom and I knew that their intention was neither to talk nor to play cards.

Tom was a rather average looking man, he was big, but he had a conventional haircut topped with a hat and framed by glasses. However, he did have one noticeable feature, long sideburns, ones long enough to invite playful jokes and on this occasion a forceful shaving. They instantly attempted to hold down Tom, but Tom was not one to lose his sideburns without a fight. Chris was a big man in his own right, again not fat and with a good deal of strength, Bill was skinnier but he prided himself on his solidly muscular physique, but even combined they were no match for Tom, a competitive weight-lifter. The fight was epic. Chris and Bill first went for Tom's arms, but he managed to throw Bill to the bed. Chris was more resilient but he too was forced off. Bill grappled him again and Chris managed to get the razor near Tom's face but Tom was able to break out of Bill's hold and knock away the razor. Both Chris and Bill refused to quit but it looked like Tom would in fact defeat two of the strongest men on our floor. However, at that moment, another floormate of ours, Bryan, a less athletic man but still strong and very committed to a good joke, passed by the door and decided to join in. Still Tom proved difficult to capture. Although his attackers surrounded him on all sides, he managed to keep them aside with powerful punches. In the process, chairs were knocked over, the messes on each side of our room merged and were scattered, and bruises were accumulated, but eventually through sheer persistence, Tom was worn down enough that Chris, Bill and Bryan were able to hold him still. Then they realized that they had lost the razor. Bryan searched through the mess, and I, before just an amused observer, joined in. We tore apart my room, moving beds and tables, throwing papers onto mine and Tom's beds, and slowly acquiring pieces of the razor until it was restored to usable condition. Then Bryan slowly approached Tom and after giving him a bit of shaving cream on one side, ran the razor down his left sideburn, cutting it away entirely. At that point Tom exploded out of Chris and Bill's grip and again knocked away the razor. For a moment the men stared at each other, but Chris, Bill, and Bryan decided that their point had been made. Tom had surely now learned that the price of a ridiculous hair style was the risk of a midnight shaving. We all laughed, and started gathering up the pieces, all of us that is except Tom who simply collapsed onto his bed, his energy completely and utterly spent.

I tell this story to my friends and family as a fond memory and it is. But I always wonder, could I have joined in on the fun? I enjoy a good prank and a good fight, and I surely would have enjoyed participating in the shaving, and Tom bore no ill will to Chris, Bill or Bryan, so I would be safe on that front. But I was uncertain whether Tom and I were good enough friends for me to help with that prank, and honestly I was unsure if I was good enough friends with his attackers to participate in the prank. That is why the memory, although fond, still reminds me of the uncertainty that marks my relationships with my friends, and demonstrates why I do not fight or pull pranks, despite the fact that I enjoy both. But to analyze this memory too much I think would do it a disservice, in the end it was what it was, a dumb, fun, hilarious college prank that gives me a smile every time I recall it.

Rutgers Rules!

"Rutgers University is inarguably America's cockiest, smartest party school. The only school in history who rejected their Ivy League invitation"
-The Star Ledger
So yeah Rutgers rules, anyways, I'm back from Texas and I have the Robot devil's hands to prove it. Had a great time down there, among the buffulo, or well, maybe not among the buffulo, but among the Malankara youth (basically the type of Catholic I am (well, sort of, since my mother is of the Syro-Malabar rite and I attend Latin rite masses often, I could also be placed into one of those, maybe, possibly, eh, I'll deal with that matter in another session), it has to do with Eastern-rite Catholicism, I'll get into it later). Lot of fun time, a lot better than what I expected from a Christian youth conference. Lots of fun people, some interesting speechs (a couple less interesting ones), a nice basketball tourtament (to prove how fun it was, I'd like to point out that it led to two hospitalizations), some dancing lessons and some nice socializing. To be honest I was a little afraid that the conference would be 1-dimensional and the people there would be 1-dimensional, I suppose this was just me playing into stereotypes, after all I'm a deeply religious person who does deeply religious people and I've got so many dimensions that they're slowly collapsing in on themselves in one of those infinite black hole things. So met some nice people, did some cool stuff, all awesome.

Let me explain Malankara a little before I move on (see I told you I'd get back to it, and I'm sure you thought, oh he's never going to get back to it or he's only going to get back to it months down the line, but here it's coming and you know what that makes you, a bum, yeah that's right, I called you a bum, bet you didn't expect that). See the Catholic world actually consists of several rites, the one that has the most people and which most people know of is the Latin rite, led by the Pope (hence Roman Catholics), but there are other rites. There are a couple very small other Western rites, like the Mozarabic rite practiced historically throughout Spain and Portugal and still in a couple churches in Spain, but most other non-Latin rites are Eastern rites, ie, east of Rome and Latin speaking Europe. These rites came into and out of communion with the rest of the Catholic world through a variety of reasons and ways, a couple actually never fell out of communion. Most Eastern-rite churches, however, find their origin in the split between the Catholic and Orthodox worlds, over several issues including some theological and cultural points, but mostly over the pre-eminance of the Pope over the other leaders of the Christian world, especially over the Patriarch of Constantinople and the Bzyantine Emperor. This created many Orthodox churches, most in communion with each other but some in a seperate group called the Oriental Orthodox. Over time parts of many of those churches came back into the Catholic fold through reunion movements sponsered (occassionally forcefully so) by various religious and political leaders.

This might explain how the Malankara Catholic Church (sometimes called the Syro-Malankara) was formed but that's not the case (probably, the history is a little hazy and confusing). For the Malankara Church, the initial split from Rome reached back further to the contraversies over Jesus Christ's exact, percise nature (I use this in the general sense, not in the theological sense), this prompted what was called the Nestorian Church (the current descendents of this church dispute this name, I'm kind of hazy on the matter myself, but the proper name for them is the Ancient Church of the East for those still outside the Catholic Church, and the Assyrian Church of the East and the Chaldean Catholic Church who rejoined the Catholic Church) (let's call them Assyrian Churches since their patriarches were Assyrian) to split off, this being largely the church in Iraq and east of Iraq including India and what would later be the Malankara Catholic Church.

Little confusing, yeah, I'm a little confused by it too at times. Ok, but the situation was that the Indian churches (yes there were Indian churches, started by Saint Thomas, found in the Kerala region of India) was that they were mostly in communion with the churches in Iraq, accept some might have been in communion with churches in Syria, and some might have still been in communion with the Pope and just isolated (my father who knows the matter better than I would probably scold me for not knowing this better if he read this session, but hopefully I'll revisit this sometime when I know matters more certainly).

That was the situation in the 15th century, then the Portugese came. They found the local Christians practicing their own rite and tried to enforce communion with Rome. Some joined willingly, some joined unwillingly, but an Indian-rite denomination (although influenced by Portugese practice (to what degree I'm not exactly sure, it's generally said that the Portugese were not very respectful of the local Indian Christians, on the other hand, the rite that emerged from this was still very much Indian)) was formed in communion with Rome, this was the Syro-Malabar Catholic Church. Also at the same time the Portugese baptized some new Christians, these became the Latin-rite Cahtolic Church in India. But some of the local, older Christians were defiant about Portuguese domination and impositions and the force the Portugese used, and these stayed part of the Orthodox Churches or part of the Assyrian Churches or on their own, and some were later influenced by Protestantism and their were other splits and such, it's all very, very confusing.

Anyways, what is more clear, is that Bishop Mar Ivanios, then of the Malankara Syriac Orthodox Church, in 1930 led his church and others to reunite with Rome and form the Malankara Catholic Church, of which my father is a member of. I attend the Malankara masses and consider myself a member although I also attend Latin rite masses and like I said my mother is Syro-Malabar. And this church had a North American Youth Conference (Youth being 15-35, with a good number in their 20s) in Houston and that was where I was.

Anyways the important thing is is that the Malankara Catholic Church rocks the house, Catholic rule in general and I had a lot of fun.

So I got ot go to sleep soon, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Into the deep

I've been putting off studying and basically doing anything of worth for a while (that's not really true, I have been studying, just not as much as I should and I have been doing things, just not as much as I could). So I'm nervous. I now face the end of my junior year and my final final. But I find that while there is the temptation to retreat into depression and self-hatred I feel that I cannot go down that road anymore. If I ask myself truthfully whether I am deserving of self-hatred or whether my depression is warrented, I cannot answer yes. God is with me, He loves me, and that is all I need to prove my worth and to prove that my life is alright. Besides, things aren't actually going badly. So I'm a little nervous, so I'm procrastinating somewhat, so what, it is a problem, I have to deal with it, but it's not something major, it's nothing fatal, and I'll get over it. After all, I am Rand the mighty and glorious.

And so here's to the future, it's going to be great.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks! (I might do another post tonight, might not, we'll see, but if I don't as I said Goodnight Folks!)