Vacation's all I ever wanted, Vacation's all I ever needed

Ah, but instead I'm doing work, and by the looks of things I'll be doing work all day. I really wanted to go home tonight and go trick or treating with my little cousin, but I'm working on borrowed time trying to outrun my professor's generous patience. And so I've sacrificed my Halloween. I wasn't able to even get a costume. But hopefully, this will lay the groundwork for that someday when I won't have to work on Halloween, and instead I will dress up like an idiot and party like it's 1999 or like it's whatever year it is, since I'll probably become more of a partier as I get older not less.

But anyways,

I rock the party that rocks the party
Yeah, I rock the party that rocks the party
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo
Doo Doo Dee Doo Doo Doo Doo

And so when the rocks party, I'll be there.

TV meets IV: result: Destruction of the World!!!

Or not. I dunno. I've gotten tired of Wikipedia's politics in regards to television and tv episodes. It makes no sense to have tiny Scrubs episode pages while not having pages for Cowboy Bebop or Samurai Champloo episodes, a policy which results in gigantic lists for listing all the info related to the episode and leaves out the various references, etc. I've also found TV.com somewhat annoying to use. What I am getting excited about is The TV IV, it's an open wiki that's easy to edit, unlike TV.com (although it lacks TV.com's forums which can be kind of nice), and it is focused on tv allowing for all sorts of episode pages unlike Wikipedia. To be fair, as a whole TV IV is underdeveloped, but given its looser rules I think with some effort it can be a better, more user and editor friendly resource in regards to TV, than Wikipedia or TV.com (although again given the forums capacity, I might still visit TV.com).

Once more, check out http://tviv.org for TV IV a TV wiki that's cool and such.

Or don't check it out.

It's not that terribly important but I thought I'd tell you guys what's what.

Because I care.

Y'all stop your fussing and feuding

Greetings y'all! I'm using y'all I lot. I never did it before I took Ms. Lewis' Latin classes, but there she used y'all as a way to demonstrate the 2nd person plural which English normally just lumps into you with the 2nd person singular. And maybe I've hung around too many Southern people, although I don't think I know that many, but anyways, greeting y'all. I'm planning to start saying just random thoughts in between long sessions. I've tried this before and got discouraged as I felt that the random thoughts were replacing the real sessions, which might happen occasionally due to busyness, but I think if I make sure to do real sessions as much as I can IN ADDITION to random thoughts, the whole quality of the webpost will up itself to the MAX.

Anyways, something I think sometimes is just a wondering about the massive amounts of money spent on political advocacy groups. It seems like such a waste, especially since it often gets lost among the million other advocacy group's pouring money. And it seems like sometimes that the money could actually be used to address the problem instead of lobbying about it. Schools are bad, well instead of spending money lobbying about it, spend money improving things. But that's just frustration I suppose. Successful lobbying can often get more money than it costs and if your lobbying doesn't match your ideological opponent's lobbying you might find the government actively opposing your cause. But the current level of lobbying, and I'm not just talking about corporate lobbying, although that's too large as well, is a bit heavy by the way I see it. It would be nice if we spent less time trying to get the government to solve problems and more time trying to solve them ourselves. But the world is busy, brutal, and filled with competing visions that clash terribly. So even if we try our all, who knows whether we will succeed? Only God.

There's a reason Rand has only one arm

Actually I have two arms, but I always wanted someone to say that about me. One arm is a nice distinguishing mark, aside from the whole being a large disability thing. It suggests suffering, but the fact that the rest of the body is okay suggests strength. It would also be a nice way to segway into the fact that I have mental/emotional problems without making me seem weak.

Ah, but that's just my constant desire for a slightly scarier appearance. For a while I was growing out a beard too for the purpose, but eventually there was a job fair, and while I wanted to look scary, I also wanted a job (unfortunately this resulted in one of my most annoying occasions of shaving since the thickness of the beard meant I had to run over the same area 4 or 5 times). Eh sara, sara.

I guess it all comes down to me wanting to rule the world, or something like that. I just always envisioned myself as someone dynamic, dashing and bold. A leader of men and a challenger of the powerful. And yet instead I find myself moderate to low in those regards. People don't disrespect me, but my opinion carries little extra weight. This is not to say I'm not popular. Rather it just means I'm funny.

I'm a funny guy (for example, right now I'm in a full on clown costume, or not, you just had to press me on that point didn't you, didn't you! Well, I'm sorry, we can't all be wearing clown costumes, Phil!). I find it easier to write funny stories than serious stories. I find it more natural to tell jokes than win arguments. Instead of charming girls, I make them laugh. Instead of charisma, I have humor. But I always wanted the other way around.

That's not to say I didn't want to be not funny, I just wanted to be well, not that funny. Maybe capable of telling a well-crafted funny story (most of my funniness isn't well crafted in the way I would have wanted it, it is usually obviously bad jokes that wink at themselves and overly outrageous jokes that bend reality more than exploit humorous skill) every now and then, but usually I wanted to be a man of action and stirring speeches. But that's not the way it ended up.

It's not so bad really, but it's annoying sometimes. I wrote a session a while back dealing with this in a more indirect way by comparing my dilemma with that of a cute girl (see if you can guess who it is Howard, it's not the girl I recently had a crush on, but it is a mutual acquaintance But then again, when I shed my preconceptions and prejudices about what I want to be, I find I really enjoy being the funny guy. I love to make people smile. That's just golden.

Maybe this means I'm sad sometimes pondering my lack of gravitas. Maybe it means that I need to work extra hard to be taken seriously when I have something serious I want to do. Maybe so. But I like people, and I like to make people happy. And while I would prefer it if my serious actions were the ones that made people happy, if it's my humor, well, if I can get that smile, that's just golden.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

A contrite heart

I read the obituary on Kurt Waldheim struck me particuarly. It discussed a man who they accused, and probably rightly so, of being in denial of his guilt at being part of the Nazi war machine. While not a key part of it, he was an efficient cog, and while he most likely did not commit war crimes, he knew about them and did his work very well (according to his Wikipedia article he received an honor for his work) only miles away from the concentration camps. He hid this fact, misrepresented his past, and denied all guilt aggressively. As the Economist pointed out his position mimicked that of his home country of Austria.

People involved in the horrors of WWII like him in a side manner cannot be condemned for life for their association. But they can be sorry, they can ask for forgiveness. He did not, saying he was in no position to do anything about it. He said in his autobiography

"When death comes to you, all the distinctions in life disappear. Good and bad, dark and light, merits and mistakes, stand now in front of a judge who knows the truth. I can go there with trust, because I know His justice and His mercy."

but the mercy of God is not given without conditions. One must admit his guilt and repent. And this is not because God is obsessed with forcing painful admissions from people, but rather because the hidden guilt is a barrier that keeps a soul from God, and while God does I think expose this guilt to the soul after death, the soul must still accept its guilt if it is to be forgiven and the soul is to receive mercy. I hope Mr.Waldheim might accept his guilt after death, even if it seems (although I could never really know, not seeing inside his head) that he did not in life.

Have Mojo, Will Travel

So let's raise a toast to women: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

So a girl for, well, let's say I've had a crush on (I really hate the word crush, it is far too immature for feelings that can be a serious matter, and yet the feelings aren't strong enough to be declared love), well, she has a boyfriend. I thought that might be the case, but she had been out of the country for so long, well, the matter is thus. And so now I must bring this to an end, somewhat.

She's still my friend and a good friend at that. To be honest I wanted to spend more time with her because I thought there was a potential for a relationship. But I also like to spend time for her because it's just fun to spend time with her. I've been worrying about telling her how I feel about her because it might hurt our friendship. That was the case in my first heartbreak (who ironically (no actually this is in no way ironic, just a conwinkidink) lives near the girl I currently have a crush on (ie the girl who's the main topic of this post)). And although it might be a little uncomfortable at times now (at least I haven't seen her and her boyfriend together this semester, feelings usually only get really uncomfortable when you see PDA's (public displays of affection)), at least she doesn't really know how I feel about her. This means she won't be really uncomfortable around me, nor will I have to explain myself, and it gives me much more control over our relationship (I'm using that in the general sense of the word).

I'd hate to be the kind of guy who gets close to a girl just because he has a crush on her and then once she lets him down he forgets that she existed. That would be a truly assish thing to do. A good friendship is a terrible thing to waste. And so I do not intend to waste this friendship, but still, it all feels a bit weird. I'm actually glad to some degree, because feelings like those are a bit of a burden and it's probably easier to try to craft a relationship fresh instead of tweaking a friendship into a romance. But still, I had liked the idea of us getting together, and you can't dismiss feelings by flicking your fingers.

But I'm not going to try to steal another man's girlfriend, it's disrespectful to the other man, but also to the girl, herself. It has an essence of, you're all wrong about your life choices, to it, but moreover it's painfully disruptive to all involved. And she seems to have real feelings for her boyfriend (she has met his parents, so this is something significant), so 99% chance I lose against him, and then I'm miserable and our friendship is hurt. 1% chance I win against him, he's crushed, she's with me but torn, and it's an ugly situation. Plus the whole sinful nature of the business. I mean, a dating romance (the terminology of dating is really lackluster, I think I might have to invent some words) isn't a marriage, so this isn't an adultery class sin by any means, but it's certainly a jerk class sin and a sin against God as well. Even romantic relationships not sealed by marriage have a holiness to them that shouldn't be lightly trifled with.

So what to do with the feeling eh? Again, I'm almost relieved, but I feel in the pit of my soul a feeling that probably soon will blossom into sorrow. It'll suck, but I'll put it out of my mind. Whenever I think of her, some romantic thoughts might be hovering in the background, but I'll put those out of my mind too. I'll keep doing this until the feelings fade. I doubt they'll truly erase themselves until I actually find another girl, but they should become manageable. I actually had to do this same process for her freshmen year when I started getting feelings for her. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, and besides she left the country. But I was so sure she had broken up with her boyfriend in that long interval abroad, but I guess that wasn't the case.

I shouldn't say unfortunately that wasn't the case, because I guess I'm happy for her. I complain a lot about how lonely I am and how I wish I had a romantic partner, she found one, so good for her. As for me I'll move on.

After all, you can always say this about me: Have Mojo, Will Travel.

So, why don't we lift a glass to women, those impossibly enchanting creatures?

Why not lift a glass to all the girls I've ever loved and all those I've had crushes on?

Why not lift a glass to you, girl whom I had a crush on which now must be dismissed and tossed to the wind?

Actually, I'm drinking out a cup, not a glass, but here's to you.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Long and weary my road has been

It's best not to compare problems. There are many, many, many people worse off in the world than me. But I haven't had it easy, and it's doubtful I'll have it easy in the future.

But that's okay. I can handle this. And I have the help of good friends, good family, and the Good Lord always watching over me. I occasionally have encountered the comment, why would a being of infinite power give personal attention to a random guy? Well, random people become full, lovable individuals when you know them, and God knows us all very well. Furthermore, if you have infinite power, that means you have infinite power to watch over people and help them out, then why wouldn't a being of infinite power give personal attention to each and every human being.

But enough of that I suppose.

I've been watching a lot of tv shows that deal with the future. The Office (not obvious connection, but it was the episode The Job which revolved around promotion and a common question asked was where do you see yourself in 10 years), Chuck and Reaper (both dealing with nerds having trouble growing up), and How I Met Your Mother (which is narrated from the future and also involves growing up issues). To boot all of this I also watched the finale of Samurai Champloo which involved some tough choosing on what to do with the futures of the main characters. So basically future on the mind really(as you might have guessed from the examples I've been talking about, this is more personal future than sci-fi future, which is awesome as well, mind you.), so I'm thinking a little about me and my future.

Where do I see myself in ten years?

Where indeed? Mongolia maybe? Well, to make it short, a fairly prominent writer, with probably a novel written, and several short stories published and a regular journalist gig. Traveling would be cool, I'm not planning to move too far away from family (although since I have family on both coasts that's not too much of a problem) immediately, but as the future moves on I'd probably want to be more mobile. It would be cool having connections, and it might be cool to have some of my side projects come to fruition. I envision this webpost being fairly well frequented in ten years for example, but maybe also my Knights of Mars plan will be implemented (it's a faternal order thing, except without the fater part, I'll elaborate on it later). As to a girl...

It has actually taken me a long time to get to a place in my life where I actually envision a nice future for myself. For several years after suicidal impulses started really showing up, it was hard for me to envision myself not dead after ten years. But now I'm a little bit more confident. A little bit. But as to a girl...

I'm still shaky in that department. I dunno, when I look at myself in ten years, it would be nice if I was married. But it's not essential. My father often asks me in regards to my career plans, well don't you want to have a family? Yeah, I would like it, but I dunno, I'm not sure if that's essential. Of course, this could just be me fleeing my feelings of insecurity about women. It could be a lot of things.

I know right now, having a girlfriend would help me a good deal, probably. But 10 years down the line, having a wife... It was always something I used to fantasize about, the feelings of a strong committed relationship, and I still do fantasize about those feelings, but I also fantasize about being a political power broker. Is having a wife a secondary fantasy to me being a writer?

I'm actually unsure. Again, maybe it's just because being a writer seems more plausible to me right now than being a husband. I'm really unsure, but that's a matter of matter.

Long and weary my road has been, and it's likely to stay that way.