And so I have through good and bad, but then again, I haven't had things so bad really and so.
But I have to say I have moved to a better place all and all. Not physically, that matter is up to debate. But emotionally (well, not exactly emotionally, more like in the aspect of satisfaction) I feel a good deal better than even yesterday.
It is amazing what a day of blogging can do (as I used to rant about, I never have reconciled myself fully to that word, but...ah, these are My United States of Whatever!), if I wanted though to pin down something particular that triggered my mood, it would probably be that act of resuming my writing in this forum. Yet there are perhaps other reasons for this shift in my sense of feeling.
Now I am one who believes that God gives us the right to refuse Him, but I also believe that He does intervene in this world. As with many apparent contradictions of religion, a little thought can resolve this one and lead to a more complete truth. I believe essentially, though not absolutely, that God, in most cases acts in ways that can be doubted. But then there are also miracles, and among those whose record comes from sources I trust, one cannot say God always acts ambiguously in people's lives. Well, perhaps for some people the choice to accept or reject God is made more direct, although not truly forced, but most of the time, I think, God's work is most obviously His to those who do not need such evidence, the true believers who have not a shred of doubt. That does seem a bit unfair at first glance, but it does preserve our freedom of choice in belief. But let me not over-generalize, I think with everyone, their relationship with God is unique, as suits a most crucial aspect of a unique person.
And so that's my view of things, and on the practical side of that view that leads to an open view of those who cite direct experiences from God, and yet I rarely if ever trust in mystical senses of things. But if that sounds like the best of both worlds, that is a highly debatable assessment, in several senses. What it has meant for me, with what I like to think is a strong faith, but an uncertainty about all experiences and about myself and about my ability believe, is that I constantly must debate how to treat things in the light of God's will. Now I do believe that coincidences are sometimes God's interference, but I also believe that they are sometimes coincidences.
It makes perfect sense to me that God, an infinite being, would have a personal interest in me, since wouldn't an infinite being of infinite love be able to grant an infinite affection for an infinite number of people? If that seems like a high number of infinites to juggle, well, life's like that (and that's the way it is), after all, if the universe can contain the whole of our life, it becomes questionable whether our mind can contain the whole of the workings of the universe. Anywho, I quite a bit often find myself falling upon random things in life and pondering, perhaps far too deeply, about what they mean or if they mean nothing. Is this oddity a message for me, is it a message for someone else, or is it just part of the odds and ends produced by all the different messages and meanings that are flying through the universe, faster than the speed of light.
This all in general leads to an uncertain suggestion of answers, and yet, that does leave me with plausible deny-ability in making my choice about whether or not to follow God's will, giving me a choice despite my fear and/or love for God. While sometimes this causes possible interventions to do little (or on the surface little), to change my pre-determined course, sometimes it gives me a sense of things to do, either in act or in thought.
And to march back through the paragraphs to where I was talking about my renewed mood (although now I'm starting to question my renewed mood, although that's largely because ME SO SLEEPY!!!), these little (and sometimes not so little) coincidences which I debate over did however give me an increasing sense of dissatisfaction. Not exactly dissatisfaction in life, actually more oppositely a dissatisfaction with my attitude on life which in itself was very dissatisfied. While I can't place my finger on what exactly that attitude was, or the change, and hence not exactly on the cause of the change, it possessed a marked negativity overall, that again and again I sensed God disagreed with. And perhaps, bit by bit, this sense of things changed my attitude, shifted my mind and brought me this new mood simply coinciding with my blogging and...
Well, actually, the most probable answer is one which I have the most stock in trusting, is that this dissatisfaction with idle dissatisfaction lead me to push a renewal of writing which in turn renewed my mood and on and on and on and so on.
And in the infinite scheme of things, this might be insignificant, but we have little to control in this life, even as we do the best we can to control our consequences to the good, to do the will of God, but what we do have control over, or what we can control in our best fathoming of who we are and what control is, is our attitude toward life, toward ourselves, and toward God.
In the end we have but a choice, but what a wondrous choice that is. A choice to choose Love.
So take it to your head, take to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
And God Bless.
6 months ago