It's not so bad, my glasses are just tinted

I've been putting off writing a session for a while, for a variety of reasons. First mega, super, busy-ness. Secondly, on Saturday I did a session which took a lot out of me in terms of energy and emotion. Thirdly, writing a session given the first two reasons, would be confirming that this webpost meant something to me, and I'm a bit uncertain of what it does mean to me. But it does make me feel good and satisfied with my life, and right now I feel like not to many things do that. See the title line when considering what I've said here, I'm a little depressed right now and that's tinting what I'm thinking. But still this webpost does mean something to me.

I'm still uncertain how many people read this webpost, given my view counts the answer is: More than before, but still less than I'd like. Oh well. This project keeps me working and it keeps me working for myself, and honestly it keeps me creative. I think overall I've been pretty creative with my stuff here, although I'm trying to build up a little bigger audience before I go to my REALLY creative stuff. But in terms of productiveness and such I often end up writing up to 5 pages a week, which isn't bad for a consistent project.

I'm trying to sort out my life a bit because things aren't going great for me. I'm behind on virtually all my school work, but while that isn't something out of the ordinary, what is is the fact that I am failing a class right now. It is due to the fact largely that the teacher has an asinine attendance policy (I'm not saying that the teacher is asinine, she seems like a nice lady and all, but her policy is asinine, it's two absences then 1/2 a grade penalty I mean really). To tell the truth even with a more liberal attendance policy, if it were any that had any degree of strictness, I'd be in some trouble, due to the massiveness of my absences. My other academic problems are much more recoverable, especially since I got an extension from one of my teachers on a project. But even with the extension...

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired now and I'm only really able to keep my focus by watching tv (if that doesn't sound sensible, let me be a little clearer, watching good tv energizes me and enlivens my mind. Thus it keeps me awake (whether or not I should be awake is a different matter, but I largely just want to finish this session). I've had energy problems for a long, long time, more or less as long as I can remember. But lately it's been getting progressively worse. Or maybe it's just my perception of the energy problems. Or maybe it's just my laziness. I can't say for sure.

But beyond weariness of the body is always, always weariness of the soul. I am sustained by the love of the Almighty, but perhaps it's a lacking of faith, or perhaps it's just a desire for something better, but I am weary. And when I have a weariness like this, no matter how hard the failure of life hit me and tempt me with death, it's hard to be motivated to succeed. So I've been thinking about what makes me happy (and by happy I mean some real satisfaction happiness, not just a temp. high I can get by say eating a lot of junk food (although a good meal does have an element of beauty to it and that does give a degree of satisfaction like all art)), and how I can use it to put some energy into my life. Writing sessions makes me happy. Writing stories, heck, writing in general makes me happy. Working on the newsteam gives me some satisfaction, although it's tempered by the fact that I think I'm slacking off to a degree in that regard). Reading and watching tv for fun, somewhat, to a degree, but my restlessness makes it difficult for me to do that without anything else, and furthermore, it doesn't really bring out more of a happiness to my life. Friends, yeah, they make me happy (this is when you start singing I get by with a little help from my friends). But organizing get togethers is difficult and heck, overall social interaction is difficult, taxing, and hard for me to commit to (due to anxieties, fears, etc.) + there's a matter of time and busy-ness.

But perhaps what doesn't take too much time, and what does make me happy would making the girl I like smile. For some time now my feelings towards a girl have been growing into what might be called a crush. There's no good word for it, crush sounds to juvenile, and this isn't love. I'm trying to make sure I don't rush into a feeling like love headstrong without regard, and I've been careful to pace my emotions. But I could say I have a crush on her. And making her happy makes me happy. Just talking with her gives me a jolt of energy, although that energy can easily become anxiety if I become a little beet paranoid about the conversation (hence, I need to watch for that (one of the things I've learned about myself is the need to watch out for out of control emotions, because I've been down that path far too many times)). If I could talk to her every day, and if she liked talking to me, well it would be nice. As things are now, I've been pacing myself in my conversations with her, making sure not to annoy her with constant calling, etc. But in the last couple weeks, I've called her maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and those times have brightened up my days.

God does encourage relationships, so I suppose he doesn't mind if we seek happiness in them (although we must always remain first devoted to our Heavenly Lord). There was a prayer in Church last week that reminded me of that. But still, still, I feel like I can't be hasty in pursuing a relationship because I don't want to frighten her away, but I'm tired of being lonely. Then on the third hand, on the third hand (hey look I've got three hands), on the third hand, sometimes I feel like it's my destiny to wander the world alone, and I must accept it.

I dunno, I'm not sure what I need to do, what I want to, I can't say I'm terribly sure of my life right now. But God wants me to live. And I think God wants me to do something great with my life. So I press on.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Maybe. Or maybe the story is actually a different matter altogether. I don't know.

By the way, if that girl I do have a crush on is reading this (I almost feel inclined to say her name, but that would be rude to this highest degree and it would also have great consequences that would spiral out of my control (although she probably knows who she is)), yeah all I've said above is true. And there are more convoluted matters in my emotions that are not here but are also true. But put all this aside for a moment, and think of this. Do you think you could feel about me in a romantic way? If so, all I ask is you let me speak to you once in a while, let me see you once in a while, let me make you smile once in a while. It would mean the world to me, if you could do me that favor.

Even these things persist

Greetings folks and peoples of people-like nature (that includes you semi-animalistic furry folk as well). I would like to share with you a rule I've recited in various circumstances. Given an infinity of opportunities even things with small probability are likely to happen. Given my history, a breakdown had medium likiness of occurring, so that it would occur sooner or later was almost certain. Perhaps, I dunno. But today I skipped out on my classes, gave up on all activity and wallowed in depression. I did that for about twelve hours and then, I got over it. Ah chemicals, they make up your body, but they tend to just fly here and there without prediction. To some extent I think my emotional collapse this morning and my recovery this evening was chemical. But like all good mental problems there was an element of nurture. I had been building stress on myself since school started and I had to do some homework pretty quickly and I was feel emasculated by the fact that my parents aren't going to let me keep a car at the school for casual purposes (basically I have to run it by them). My recovery on the other hand was guided by my faith. The fact that God loves me is a great strength restorer, and while I might respond that God shouldn't love me because I'm unworthy, I remember that passage from the Acts of the Apostles, verse 9: "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean." I guess that includes me if I trust in Him. And I think this has the larger implication of the idea, I can't say that God is wrong to love me, God is always right, so I guess I am worthy of God, and I guess if I want to do right by God, I got to do right by those He loves and that includes me.

So that's about the summary of events. I'd rather not go into matters any more severely because that would be boring, whiny and therefore lame. But the meat of the matter is that I had a breakdown and recovered decently fast, although not fast enough not to miss classes. It's irritating because I had hoped I was done with breakdowns severe enough to do that. And it's worrying. I have 1 year till I graduate, technically even less than that (I suppose it's actually about 8 months), and if I have these sort of problems while I'm working, I'll actually have a great deal of trouble, as in trouble which will get me fired. And unless I can build a good job record early on, in this tight job market my later ambitions will be a bit tough. So what to do about it?

What to do, what to do, skitter me shoe, what to do?

Just thought I'd puncture the mellowdrama a little and I don't really have a needle that came go through your brain to the part that's imagining the mellowdrama, so etc., etc., la-dee-da-dee-da.

But back to the matter at hand. So what should I do with these breakdowns? Well, I'll see my psychiatrist, I'll see my psychologist, I'm going to start seeing a pastoral counselor, but really will that do anything? If I really need, I'll change my medicine, although overall I've been doing pretty well and I don't want to lose how I've been doing so far. Besides, to really get rid of the feelings that generated this collapse would take something drastic, something fundamental, something I really don't know.

I used to figure that if I just kept moving forward in my life, if I kept myself busy that might be enough. But I'm moving forward, I'm obscenely busy, and still... Business could be part of the problem but last semester I had constant collapses and I had one of my easiest schedules since Freshman year. Maybe if I had more energy, if I wasn't tired all the time and I could take full advantage of those brief moments when I'm truly productive. But I doubt it. These emotions seem to come to me no matter what has been accomplished, no matter how successful life is. There's a part of me that wants everything and isn't satisfied even if I have it. And then there's a part of me that just truly hates myself and will take advantage of every dissatisfaction, every moment of doubt, every failure, every mistake to try to destroy my soul and make me take my life. And that won't go away just because my life moves forward, it'll take something drastic, like I said.

A change of medicines might do some good, maybe, but if I'm looking for a fundamental shift like I said I needed, it'll take a fundamental change in medicine and that'll either help me a lot or screw me over immensely. In fact, it'll likely also take a lot of trial and error so even if there is some one medicine or medicine combo that can help me immensely it'll probably take a lot of bad tries that'll screw me over first, and given the time it takes to see if a medicine works or not, unless my psychiatrist has a good idea of how it will help, it's probably not a good idea to mess with a decent medicine combo, which I have right now.

So then what? Well, there is a fundamental change schedule in 8 months. Graduation, that should give a nice little shock to the system, and maybe, perhaps that'll set in motion some changes. And then there's the classic. Get a girl, girl solves my problems everything's better. That was always my plan in high school, more or less. But I really shouldn't rely on that, and I rely doubt women can just suddenly, magically make things better. But they can at least provide me a relief from loneliness. At least if I can find a woman to fall in love with. When you're in love, just being in conversation, just being near the woman you love gives you strength. Perhaps that might help. Maybe. I'd like to think so. And that is something I can work on, if I give it some effort and some time. Maybe, maybe, a thousand times maybe (Is that a phrase of some sort? Maybe a paraphrase or something of the like? Maybe.). Anywho, I doubt still it'll erase my problems, but it might make things better.

Then there's always the option of living with it and hoping that it isn't too often, that isn't too much. And trying to lessen it and make it less often through gradual efforts and the training of my will. I have fought off several possible collapses recently that delayed this. Perhaps that's just how I need to live. Fighting it, losing sometimes, but maybe winning more and more. And maybe someday, all that fighting will be enough, and my problems will be completely under control. I doubt it but maybe.

I asked one of my psychiatrists one time, will it ever be easy for me to live? Right now the act of living is often difficult, because at the end of the day and at the beginning of the day especially, and sometimes just randomly throughout the day, I feel waves of depression crashing on me. But he said, that if I learn to deal with it every day, than just as with practice, dealing with it will get easier. I like to hope so. But the thing is I have been dealing with it, for a long time now, and it's still pretty damn hard. But sometimes that's just the way things go. And you still need to push onward.

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I suppose I'm chasing that green light to. And so still I push onward.

And we keep swerving in and out of life

I'm feeling more or less crap like, or maybe it's just the time of the day or the thoughts that just seem to keep coming.
Blah, blah, blah
So anyhow:
Here's something old for now, an essay I wrote a while back that's pretty nice, if inteneded for an odd purpose

The purpose of schooling is to prepare people for life. This means teaching skills, concepts, methods and ways of thinking. It also means teaching how a person should live their life. This is a core value of the liberal arts education, one Cicero explained more than two thousand years ago when defending his teacher Archias. There are many ways to approach this goal, a teacher could explain the different doctrines of philosophy, great figures of the past and present can be presented as examples of different ways of living, and great books can be used to mentally and emotionally connect students to the great questions of life. In most schools, the last approach is used, usually in English or literature classes. This was the case in my school, and in my classes I was exposed to books containing scores of different answers of how to live one?s life. One book that particularly affected me was The Great Gatsby and its philosophy helped me through a very difficult time in my life.
During my high school years, I suffered from manic-depression and this disease often reduced me to thoughts of suicide. To defend myself against such thoughts it was necessary for me to construct a philosophy which would justify my life. To construct this philosophy I drew upon my religion, family, friends, experiences, achievements, failures and books. The Great Gatsby was one of the books which helped me to create that philosophy.
The Great Gatsby talked about the American dream, about the glorious potential of the human spirit and this helped me appreciate my own potential and worthiness to live. The story was of a man who had a dream and strove to completely redefine himself. The fact that his dream was flawed and that he was ultimately unsuccessful was not important, the man became something glorious in the effort. At least, that is my interpretation of the story. But that interpretation was very moving to me, it gave me hope that even if I had problems that made my life difficult, if I pursued my dreams I did not have to succeed to be a success.
However, the effect the book had on me would not be nearly as potent was it not for the in-depth analysis that accompanied it in my junior year American Literature class. My junior year reading of The Great Gatsby was actually the second time I read the book, I had read it a year or two before and found it a very good but not a great book. However, the analysis of the book that was done in my class showed me that not only was the book great, but it was inspiring. In this class, Gatsby?s American Dream was placed into the context of American literature and compared to Benjamin Franklin?s Autobiography. The characters other than Gatsby were also analyzed in ways that contrasted and complemented Gatsby?s role in the book. The language and era and events were examined and explicated. With the help of my able American Literature teacher Mr. Sullivan, and a class with healthy peer discussions, I was able to understand the book and take in its themes, ideas, and feel. I took this understanding of the book and drew from it an idea of glory, which I then incorporated into my life philosophy and that philosophy became my best defense against thoughts of suicide and self-hate.
Through my American Literature class I was exposed to the Great Gatsby and it was then analyzed in a way that enhanced the reading process and left me with ideas that helped me battle personal demons. My story shows the potential of a good literature class. It can shape an individual by exposing him to ideas and philosophies, both new and old, expressed in an excellent manner. Plato found danger in exposing people to philosophy at a young age, since young people are prone to radicalism and the reckless wholesale rejection of tradition. In my mind, this is a very real threat, but my experience has taught me that not teaching young people philosophy is an even greater threat. As a person turns into an adult he must decide how to direct his life, and without an idea of why this life is good or this life is bad, people become mentally and spiritually lost. If I was lost when I was in high school, I would lack the will to resist my disease and would likely be dead. That is why my English and literature classes were so important to me and are important to every student. The road of life is often dark, and books, when understood, can be valuable street lamps.

Quotable, boatable, John

I think perhaps it has come time to if not lighten up the atmosphere a little bit, at least I should tangentilize the atmosphere a little bit, because I am a wild tangent, ready to rock your world, etc., etc. (you know etc. usually means and all else in the same manner but I'm not sure you really know what else follows the same manner as I am a wild tangent, ready to rock your world, well too bad, you BUMMMMMMMS!!!!!)

Anywho, or any moo for that matter, I thought in that spirit I'd give you some quotes of various peoples and peoplenesses for a little break in the flow of things as it were (so much of what I have just said is absolute nonsense, so very, very much nonsense, anyways, here's some quotes):

Freedom is a possession of inestimable value. - Cicero, a great sentiment, but I think I could probably find sometime a better quote

"History drives her lovers mad,"-Rand

"And so does your face,"-Rand

"No—Gatsby turned out all right at the end; it is what preyed on Gatsby, what foul dust floated in the wake of his dreams that temporarily closed out my interest in the abortive sorrows and short-winded elations of men."

"Everyone suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known."

"I'm... too old to lie to myself and call it honor."

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

"One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, 'Of all the commandments, which is the most important?'

'The most important one,' answered Jesus, 'is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.'" - The Gospel according to Mark, Chapter 12

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."- 1 Corinthians 13, St. Paul

"If you were x, I would be x squared over 2, because I want to be the area beneath your curves."-TE

"I shall rule the world!"-Rand

"I like to quote myself, because I'm just that awesome."-Rand

"I am Rand the mighty and glorious, and I am also might and glorious in a very mightly and gloriousily fashion. I AM RAND!" - Rand

My American Dream

Greetings all, now given how I explained that many of my sessions have titles that have nothing to do with that actual content of the session, I must now contradict that and give a session that does factor in with the title. But then again I did give the cavet that the non-relation between session and title was not a definite rule (or at least that was implied) and I said that that was mostly the case for personal sessions and this (at least once I get through this introduction) is a topical session, so in short if you're surprised by the title relating to the topic then you're a bum.

So having read that you would probably assume the title had something to do with the American dream and if you did so then you would be right. However if you assumed that this session was actually about my personal American dream you'd be wrong, the "My" part of the title is actually just a shoutout to Scrubs which I usually watch while I write my sessions. I will at some point visit the subject of my American dream because I'm just that interesting, but today I will start with a little something I've been thinking about which is my favorite movie Rushmore and one of my favorite books The Great Gatsby.

Both I think have to do with the American Dream, The Great Gatsby more famously but also Rushmore. What is the American Dream you may ask? You may ask, but you'd be asking a computer, and that would be a little crazy but anyways I think the American Dream really comes down to chasing a goal and a dream with all your passion and not giving up. The Great Gatsby was like that, Jay Gatsby chased his dream of being a man that could win Daisy's heart, that is the ideal rich swinging 20's man. But Rushmore was like that too. Max Fischer is always chasing after a dream with all his heart and passion, at first I really couldn't tell what his passion was about but then I thought about that opening scene where he is dreaming about giving the perfect answer to the ultra-complicated math problem and that gives the whole class no homework (or is it A's) for the semester (an unattainable dream for him since he is an absolutely horrible student, just like being Daisy's perfect man was ultimately unattainable goal for Gatsby since the means which he used to become a rich man stained him in front of Daisy). And then factoring in his absolute love for the school (the Rushmore of the title, a elite private school which he got ad and all his ton of extra-cirricular activities it occurs to me that his dream, his true dream is to be the absolute perfect student. Unlike Gatsby his dream intially is not attached to a romantic factor (although it actually might be a desire to please his dead mother who first recommended him to the school), but later it takes on a romantic dimension when he falls in love with Ms. Cross a teacher at Rushmore for little kids. His dream takes on an added dimension now, to become the man that Ms. Cross wants (he believes he can do this by building an aquarium and acting as spunky as her late husband, and also by becoming a perfect student as his later attempts to get good grades I think show), I think these two dreams are actually intertwined especially considering Ms. Cross is a Rushmore teacher.

But ultimately tragedy ensues. With Gatsby it is the loss of Daisy whose husband reveals Gatsby's true nature as a bootlegger and ultimately shatters his image as the perfect rich man. With Fischer the fall is more prolonged and complicated. First, he is expelled from Rushmore due to his pursuit of Ms. Cross, then after several rebuffs he is finally told off by her after he gets her fired from Rushmore. He also loses his best friends, an eccentric millionaire who becomes his rival for Ms. Cross, and his sidekick who like Daisy has his image of the protagonist shattered. Fisher is ultimately defeated, and actually he takes his defeat worse than Gatsby, for a moment giving up his dream (although it is suggested that Gatsby does this as well, you have to take into account the unreliable narrator who is also trying to justify his life I think, where he eventually gives up dreaming). I could bring out the parrellels more, but that would take time I don't have (maybe I'll turn this into a more formal essay and post it up somewhere later), so then we must move on to the aftermath of the fall. Here the differences between the two become very striking.

While Gatsby retains one good friend, the narrator, who attempts to encourage him, he is ultimately surrounded by fakes and as the narrator points out "careless people" like Daisy and her husband. These people ultimately cause Gatsby's demise because they play around with people's lives and then avoid the aftermath, like Daisy's husband whose affair sends his mistress running wildly into the street, and Daisy who finishes the job by killing (accidentally running her over, but still carelessly) the mistress. This sets into motion Gatsby's demise (they actually might have had a more direct role by directly the mistress' husband to Gatsby's house, but this is a matter of interpretation). With Fisher it is different, and ultimately I think it is because he is not surrounded by careless people, but by caring people. His disillusioned friend, his father, the girl he rejected all help him to recover and pick a new dream, a better one, which is to try to help all those around him. And in the end, despite the grave problems his friends and associates have he does help all of them. He achieves his dream, he may have been hurt badly and lost some hopes along the way but ultimately he recovers chooses a new direction and really wins.

Gatsby I think could have also chose a new dream if he was given the time, especially since he was stronger than Max and did not sink into the depression Max did. The narrator might suggest he did but again I think this is just the narrator trying to justify his choices, when he left Gatsby, Gatsby was smiling. Even if he had the depression I think Gatsby could have recovered after all he recovered from his first rejection from Daisy and maybe hopefully with the help of his friends he could have chosen a new dream especially since he recieved the news that he was better than the whole lot of the rich people with a smile, perhaps understanding finally that it was true. But he didn't have the time to recover or choose a new dream, because the rich people in whose circles he hung around were careless, most especially Daisy and her husband, and they destroyed him with their carelessness as well as destorying the poor husband of Daisy's husband's (I should by now start using his name Buchannan) mistress (Myrtle). Fischer triumphed because he lived in a better world of caring people.

Maybe that's what we need in America. Not a country that's less ambitious or less willing to pursue our dreams, even though often the dreams are ill-chosen (Max's dream of being a perfect student was certainly ill-chosen since it was a dream that was ill-suited for him, someone who was bad academically, and overall it didn't make sense because eventually you have to leave school (a fact he was trying to avoid in the beginning of the movie, partly simply by ignoring it or trying to add another year his stay at Rushmore)) and/or lead to spectacular failure. What America needs is people who are caring, who will pick up those who fail and help them regain their cofidence and find a new path. Maybe America needs people who will take responsibility for their actions (which Max in the end had to do as well, which was part of his process of recovery and his new dream of helping those around him), instead of Daisy and Buchannan who ignored their responsibilities and the fall-out from their actions. Maybe in such a kinder world, Gatsby could have survived and reached his potential. Maybe instead of the narrator saying in the end I think Gatsby was alright (I'm paraphrasing), he'll say of course Gatsby was glorious. And if that's what I need, and I think it is, maybe it's time we all aimed are lives towards that and started treating each other with a spirit of love and caring, without forgetting though to dream the magnificent dreams (I think dreaming that magnificently is also an act of love, a love for the goal and a love for the world that allows it, as well as a love for the human spirit that is capable of such passion and the Creator of that spirit), the kind of dreams that made Gatsby great even in defeat. That's at least how I think, and that's at least how I think. Anyways, I thought it was neat that I could combine ideas from two of my favorite works, and so now that I've done that I realize I actually need to get going (to Rutgers, to get credit for an internship to help me along in pursuing my dreams, of course, I must be careful never to forget to act with caring). So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart (this phrase actually works very well for this session), and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!