Just like the movies

I have trouble watching movies at home alone nowadays. I have such a sense of urgency about my life that when I spend too much time doing one thing my mind becomes filled with a debate about what to do, and that debate interferes with my watching movies. With tv it's somewhat different, since I watch different things in 1/2 hour segments, but it has been a long time since I saw a movie that I liked was on and just sat down and watched it end to end (well, no it hasn't been a long time, I watched Spirited Away a week or two ago but that was the exception that proved the rule since I had my family as company when I was watching, when I'm with people the movie watching feels like a social experience and so I'm less reluctant about it). I think this is the same reason why I've been reading less lately. At some point I have to calm myself down and relax and teach myself that it's ok to spend a couple hours in a row unwinding every now and then, or that treating yourself to a good movie or book is a good deed as well, since you are a good person, but for right now I am more focused on getting things in my life done and so teaching myself to relax is in second gear right now, but it's still something I'm keeping in the back of my mind.

I call thee Jabberwocky

I could say that I'm calling the various difficulties and reasons that cause me to miss my sessions Jabberwocky, but that would be lame, and you know how I feel about being lame (and if you don't, then you're a bum). But it's strange. I'm not used to being really, actually busy. During the school year of course there are periods of huge activity, but I tend to be a semi-slacker when it comes to school work, I do the minimum I need to do to do great. This gives me a good amount of free time during the school year and during the summers I usually have a great deal of free time. Usually what sucks up this time is my depression and my exhaustion, etc. Now however, I actually might be becoming legitimately busy. I already have an internship where I work 2-3 days (sometimes 8 hr.s a day but usually a good deal less), and a part-time job that takes up 16 hours a week, all that seems incredibly busy to me, because well, I don't do lots of stuff usually. Past summers I have felt a day was busy if I hung out with a friend and went to the library in the same day. Wooo. But I realize most people work a whole lot more than this, so while it is busy for me, it wouldn't be a busy schedule for most people. Still, given, especially my limited energy, I have found this schedule pretty exhausting. And now, well, now I might be taking on an internship which would probably add another 21+ hours of work to my schedule. See with that I can legitimately call myself busy. However, calling myself busy doesn't write sessions, nor does it get any one of my many personal projects taken care of, so it really just means I've got to squeeze every moment until it gets absorbed into my skin. (Simpsons reference there) In that spirit, or rather contary to that spirit, I need to say I need to go, but I'll always be with you in spirit, or something like that. So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Princeton Review Redux

I am back in the Princeton Review building, four maybe five years after having left it with a relieved smile. That is not to say the Princeton Review was that bad, I simply regarded it as useless and a waste of my time, judgements that were unduly harsh in retrospect. The Princeton Review, maybe, maybe was useful, but I wouldn't pay for it again if I had to take another big test as I did those several years ago for the SATs. And now I'm back again on the teacher's side and now...well, now I'm in training, so basically things are pretty much the same. I'm being taught stuff about the SATs, and true I'm also getting the bonus of learning how to teach the SATs, but neither is terribly interesting. What's unfortunate now though, is that I can't zone out as I used to when things get particularly boring.

I suppose this is the difference between classes and job training, with classes, you mess up, you can make it up later, and you can study from the text book, and if you miss the nuances of the professor's lessons, well, that probably won't be on the test anyways, but with job training, well, you mess up you get fired. So I can't simply doodle while the trainer goes through his lesson, as much as I'd like to and in a four hour lesson, I'd really, really like to, so instead I have to listen, because I'm going to have to use this information to impress him so I can get a job, so I can get money. I suppose this is the ultimate state of education, in all education there's the promise that if you do well you can get a job and if you don't you lose a job, here that promise and threat are not something far away that might happen, they are right in front of your face. Of course, with real education there is also the value of the information your getting, which in the case of the Princeton Review teaching is somewhat low I have to say in my opinion, but even if it was high I'd probably still be bored. I'm often bored even in my more interesting classes, and I have to force myself to pay attention to get even the information that I want to learn, but here...well, here I don't really want this information but I have to take it. Oh well, I do need the money, because in the end I have grand ambitions and some annoying problems, and both while not solvable through money could be helped with a little application of power correctly used, and hey, money is simply liquid power. Such is the way of the world, heck it's not even such a bad way of the world. I got to get going, to sleep probably (I'll have to apologize, well to myself I guess for the recent shortness of sessions, but I'm tired and busy, but those aren't very good excuse but there's always still tommorow), but anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

I know you want to hit that

I'm a devout Christian, so that undoubtably influences my thinking about sex. Like most things I try to start my thinking about an ethical topic from a trusted source, usually the Church, then analyze the topic and either agree with the trusted source or gradually move from that starting point through reason to a new perspective. So I approach most of my understanding of sex from that perspective. It shouldn't be surprising then that I think that sex should be in marriage. But lacking that it should at least be in a commited relationship. And I feel this ought be true for both men and women. There's this certain justification for women having sex outside a commited relationship by saying "well, when men have sex with lots of women they are called players and complimented, but when women do it they're called sluts, thus it is alright for women to have sex with lots of men," but you could also say that maybe, just maybe, it is wrong for men to be having sex with lots of women. I dunno, I just read something like that in the newspaper that prompted that reaction. Yeah, so that's about that. I hope that didn't sound too angry, while I don't like that saying, I don't want to imply that the people who do have lots of random sex are bad people, on the other hand I am holding it to be a sin, but there are lots of sins and we all commit them, so we don't get to judge, of course, just because you shouldn't judge people doesn't mean that people don't do bad things, it just means that doing a bad thing doesn't necessarily make them a bad person.

The Call of the Primitive

I'm usually a pretty relaxed, easy-going kind of guy, but certain things annoy me. For example, I don't like it when cultures are labelled primitive. What does that mean really? Just that they use primitive technology, well, maybe, that could be acceptable if all of the people in the culture use primitive technology (which is not the case except for a few very isolated peoples, most cultures have integrated advanced technology into their society even if they are too poor to use it widespread, a few use it and the effects ripple throughout the culture). But usually what people imply with that is that the culture is not very developed and is closer to the cultures of hundreads or thousands of years ago. What those people are forgetting is that while culture is often changed by technology, culture also changes on its own. The very interaction of thousands of people with thousands of ideas and their interactions with the outside world can create massive cultural change. New religious movements, new songs and stories, new philosophies and ethics, none of these things require advanced technology (although perhaps advanced technology can help). Even when you encounter a culture whose tech level is equivalent to the stone age, that doesn't mean that their culture is the same as it was in the stone age, between then and now they might not have had any great technological leaps but they had thousands of years of cultural evolution changing deeply their ways of thinking and acting so that you can't simply observe the stone age in stone age tech people. Moreover, with people whose technology hasn't changed much in the last several thousand years you must assume that they are in their history, culture, resources or whatever are somewhat different than the other people who were in the stone age, because they stayed in the stone age (Most historians of pre-history simply assume that this is because of differences of resources but it could also be due to differences of culture or even differences of chance). So really any culture that has survived to the modern day is advanced. If one wants to label cultures primitive using tech as a criteria doesn't make much sense. Thus don't call those hunter-gathers primitive, because their culture might be a whole lot more developed through rituals, thoughts, ideas, traditions, and songs than yours, perhaps at least, I'm not claiming that low-tech people are necessarily more developed in culture I'm just saying they're not necessarily less developed. Anyways, that's about all I have time for for now. I know I haven't had a good chance to get a good full session in for a while now, but I can't do that right now. So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

One fine day of the week and I'll be up again

So I'm down. So what really, whatever. Anywho, things remain undone in my life and it's beginning to bug me, but I seem to have a distinct lack of time and motivation. So tough, whatever. Anyways, if I have time I'll write a real session later, for now, I've got nothing, but feel free to page through my archieves, I've got a lot of crap in there, and if you are so inclined (and you should be), check out The World of Rand, now with more awesomeness.

It just takes some time, little girl

Right now, things aren't bad, in fact things are pretty good, that scares me on several levels. First level is the whole, I think something catastrophic is going to go wrong feeling. I think this happens to a lot of depressed people, they are used to the whole depressed state of mind that when they get cheered up they feel that it must eventually collapse because happy is such an unusual state of mind for them. Or at least that is the way it is for me. But lately I've had a good way of dealing with my depressive moods, before they get too bad I simply force myself to face the truth that I am ultimately in charge of my brain and that even if I feel that I am too weak to take command of my feelings God can always give me the strength I need to overcome my disease. Also, I've realized that often I give in to my disease as a means of escaping my anxieties, fears and responsibilities, if I've already given up on life I no longer need to struggle against my problems. Realizing that, I simply remind myself that I can deal with my problems and so I don't need to give up. These realizations aren't new, but I've been getting better at utilizing them. So my depressive problems aren't as bad as they used to be, but still every now and then I look at my life and think, well, things are good now, but they've been good before, but then they collapsed, so inevitably they must collapse again. I remind myself that collapse is not really inevitable but the fear remains in the back of my head, but still it's not too bad, but on the other hand that's only one level of my fear about things being good.

Another level of that fear is now that things are good I worry about being complacent or settling into a routine. Some people like routines, like stability, like getting into a good pattern and staying still in a good place. Not me, at least not really. I think perhaps if I found the right place with the right person, maybe I could be satisfied with staying still. But I don't have that, so I'm filled with this need to move, to be active, to be in motion. I feel desperate to create, to advance, to change. Things are good now and I worry that I might just stay still, treading water, until I look around and find all my opportunities have gone away and I'm deeply dissatisfied with my life.

This leads me to a third level of fear. This would be my fear of the challenges attempting to move forward always bring. When things are good, I can take on new challenges like trying to ask girls out and trying to get a better internship. And I'm worried that I'll fail if I try, or even that I'll fail at trying if I try to try. And that fear gets to me and stops me, and delays me from doing important things, but ultimately I still have my faith, I still have my hope, I still have love in my heart and so I can still overcome these things. Things are good, and I think they're going to get better. Afterall I am Rand, the mighty and glorious, and Rand's awesome. So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!