Zebras eat fruit too

Zebras eat fruit too.
Don't they?
I think they do.
That's probably true.
But I'm not sure to whom the too refers.
I know I like fruit though,
Most kinds at least,
And usually they're very yummy in my tummy.
Well whether Zebras eat fruit or not is not the matter of this poem,
The matter is...
Well I forget the matter.
And I can't remember why I started this to begin with.
But if you smile at my poem,
Ah, that's the sunshine,
And that's enough for me.

So with doom and all

So it's been a couple days since I've done a session. In real terms, it's not terribly important that I haven't been doing so. I find it a bit distressing though, and so it is therefore a terrible tragedy because I am Rand the Mighty and Glorious, etc., etc., etc.

My brain's been a bit off lately. That being an understatement but I'm going to let it slide. As my buddy Howard pointed out that I use this as a diary somewhat. Well to that:
Yes
No
Maybe
So
Does anyone ever say that anymore? I try to avoid just bitchin' and whinin' and other things that involve excessive chopping of g's, but I do talk about feelings and crap. Hopefully the idea is to talk about the matters in a way that explores ideas and shows insight etc. Because when dealing with feelings you think thoughts and when thinking thoughts you occasionally hit on an interesting one, so I thought throw it up here and so there you go.

Blah, blah, blah.

Anywho, I like to write sometimes about how screwed up my brain to a large degree out of curiousity. It's strange but I find myself fascinated by the oddities of my disease even as it tries to destroy me. It's like admiring the teeth of a tiger as it prepares to bite your head off. Etc.

My mind is very off today. So hopefully I'll revisit this matter later tonight, but for now I'm wrapping things up. If this is unsatisfying to you, well, that's life, or you could check out the healthy sized archives I'm developing, with all my other sessions etc.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Here's your holiday, hope you enjoy it this time (but that song's not here)

I usually feel guilty about not putting up enough text onto the web. But I've done several long texty sessions so I thought it might be time to change things up (because I can't stay still or the clown will eat me), and I'm going to do some of the music thang, as a way of making up to the world for using the word thang.

1.Creep by Radiohead - From the album Pablo Honey - After doing a session explicating this song in reference to my own life, it seemed like a good time to put this out there. Superb song in capturing a ghost of an unnamable emotion that carries so many connotations to it. I could write a session explicating it, and I did, but I could write another session explicating it in reference to general human emotions instead of to myself, but I'm not going to because that would be overly long, probably boring, and probably lame (lame like yo mamma! I'm sorry I'm sure your mother is a very nice lady, I should have said, lame like your face!). Instead let me point out some of the prominent currents of the song. There is a current of praise, which can be interpreted even as love, but there is a massive element of self-hatred in the song. And there is an undercurrent of anger, something I didn't touch upon in my previous session too much, largely because as I explained there I first listened to the radio edit version.

Lyrics

(I'd just like to say that I'm switching to Lyrics Freak as my lyrics site, before I was bouncing around between several different services, but I think some of those sites contained spyware, so I wanted to settle down. The nice thing about Lyrics Freak and the reason I chose it, is because it has a nice, clean presentation, and while the ads are obnoxious, they are less obnoxious than they are on other lyrics sites. Of course, if the lyrics are hard to decipher I'll probably check multiple sites, but for now I'm good with Lyrics Freak.)

Radiohead's video - an simple video that just lets the emotion shine through with some light tricks and cutting to complement it, quite a contrast to the AMV I'm posting for the song, not that the AMV's bad, I'm just saying that Radiohead's video is different but good as well.

Creep AMV - anime - Elfen Lied - This AMV IS NOT FOR THE WEAK OF STOMACH. I'm a guy who saw the movie Seven in middle school and I still found this gory. Still, the goriness complements the darkness and disturbing nature of this song. The song is about a man who hates himself intensely to the point of rage. This anime fits well with that. As to the anime itself, I've only seen a couple episodes and I'm not sure if I can recommend it. It has a pretty good reputation for what that's worth, but it combines cuteness and gore in a mix I can't help but find a little disturbing.

2.Highway to Hell by AC/DC - From the album Highway to Hell - As a devout Christian, I'm not planning to go on a highway to hell. And quite frankly I plan on encouraging others to avoid it as well. But that's not really what this song is about. This song is about the sheer arrogance and joy of living free of society's rules and restrictions. Of course, doing actual wrong and throwing away society's rules are two concepts that are easy to confuse. But one is a matter of throwing away your moral compass and one is a matter of being your own ultimate moral compass (of course the exactitudes of this matter including the role of church, religious leaders, and religious philosophy go far beyond this matter, but I think I should wrap up this philosophical discussion because this song is so damn fun!).

Lyics - "Living easy, living free," usually it's one or the other, but God bless them, AC/DC want both

A live concert of AC/DC - AC/DC, while they probably made some music videos were producing songs in those days before music videos, a whole 30 years ago. Man, I wanted that to sound sarcastic, but 30 years is a decent amount of time.

Highway to Hell AMV - anime - Akira - Now does this AMV glorify violence? Yeah, probably. But it is an awesome AMV, capturing all the energy and power of the song, and it matches in feel even if it shows a darker side to throwing away all of society's rules. Ultimately I watch a lot of stuff I don't totally agree with when it's quality material, because well, quality material sends a message of about the beauty of existence itself. Besides, this AMV doesn't take itself too seriously. But for all of those who might be confused by my stance, no I don't encourage violence (I'll probably elaborate on that sentence in a future session.).

3.You Know You're Right by Nirvana - From the album Nirvana - Kurt Cobain's last hit. I'm not sure if I can describe what this song's about, or really why this song is of the highest quality. But it is. I hope you're doing alright, Kurt, now that you've passed from this world.

Lyrics

Nirvana's Video - I'm not sure how to treat this since my status as a Nirvana fan tints my judgment, but it is good to see all those pictures of the band.

You Know You're Right AMV - anime - FLCL - I've used Fooly Cooly a lot in the AMV's I've posted up, but that's A. because of the prominence of Fooly Cooly among the makers of AMV's, and B. because Fooly Cooly is visually amazing (more impressive than it is, say plot-wise). But perhaps the best reason for using this AMV is that it is one of those rare AMV's that captures the pain and frustration both in the song and the anime.

4.Breaking the Habit by Linkin' Park - From the album Meteora - Screw those who dismiss nu metal this song and Linkin' Park in general are awesome. But on a more pertinent note, there are two ways to interpret this song, one is in a positive light as the singer is breaking the habit of antagonism and depression, that's how I viewed it at first, but after looking at the Wikipedia article which suggested suicide in the video, I can see that as being in the lyrics too, as the singer breaks his habit of his problems by killing himself. That's probably more accurate, but I tend to still see the song in the more positive light. But terms of quality are always key and in that the song has enough to make it here.

Lyrics

Linkin' Park's video - here you see what a music video can really do in terms of being creative while still accenting the song.

Breaking the Habit AMV - anime - Rurouni Kenshin OVA - The idea of Kenshin, a man trapped in the violence of his life, trying desperately to adopt non-killing despite a legacy that returns to haunt him, goes well with this song. But throwing that aside if you haven't seen any of the anime or even heard of it (it also goes by the name Samurai X), the energy and sadness of the video work well with the song, making its quality independent of your knowledge of the anime, as all AMV's should do.

5. Snow (Hey Oh) by the Red Hot Chili Peppers - From the album Stadium Arcadium - I thought I'd clear out the heaviness with this song. It contains that lightness to it that almost makes it seem fragile despite the presence of drums, guitar, etc. What's it about? Can't say. But I'd say the answer lies in part in the lightness.

Lyrics

(Alright, despite my above comment this isn't from Lyrics Freak, it's from another service which I find more obnoxious but apparently Lyrics Freak didn't have this song, weird.)

Red Hot Chili Pepper's video - a sweet understated video which summons emotions as fragile as the song itself.

Snow (Hey Oh) AMV - anime - Gundam Wing - Endless Waltz - I found this was a nice video that mixed with the song but provided some nice contrast as well. But I am concerned about the video quality. I mean it's a well put-together AMV, and given the age of the anime, weak resolution is somewhat expectable, but still it is disappointing, given that it could be so much better if the resolution was better. But perhaps that's just the attitude of a man who's gotten used to ultra-clear resolution and has forgotten that this sort of resolution was extraordinary just a little while ago.

So that's about with that. And so I must depart. But I'll always be in here (which is to say my room (at least until I leave my room)).

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Shoutout

Let me give a shoutout to my bro, he has a webpost that gives some good financial advice that I actually intend to follow so check it out at Rocket Stocks Blog.

It's not so bad, my glasses are just tinted

I've been putting off writing a session for a while, for a variety of reasons. First mega, super, busy-ness. Secondly, on Saturday I did a session which took a lot out of me in terms of energy and emotion. Thirdly, writing a session given the first two reasons, would be confirming that this webpost meant something to me, and I'm a bit uncertain of what it does mean to me. But it does make me feel good and satisfied with my life, and right now I feel like not to many things do that. See the title line when considering what I've said here, I'm a little depressed right now and that's tinting what I'm thinking. But still this webpost does mean something to me.

I'm still uncertain how many people read this webpost, given my view counts the answer is: More than before, but still less than I'd like. Oh well. This project keeps me working and it keeps me working for myself, and honestly it keeps me creative. I think overall I've been pretty creative with my stuff here, although I'm trying to build up a little bigger audience before I go to my REALLY creative stuff. But in terms of productiveness and such I often end up writing up to 5 pages a week, which isn't bad for a consistent project.

I'm trying to sort out my life a bit because things aren't going great for me. I'm behind on virtually all my school work, but while that isn't something out of the ordinary, what is is the fact that I am failing a class right now. It is due to the fact largely that the teacher has an asinine attendance policy (I'm not saying that the teacher is asinine, she seems like a nice lady and all, but her policy is asinine, it's two absences then 1/2 a grade penalty I mean really). To tell the truth even with a more liberal attendance policy, if it were any that had any degree of strictness, I'd be in some trouble, due to the massiveness of my absences. My other academic problems are much more recoverable, especially since I got an extension from one of my teachers on a project. But even with the extension...

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired now and I'm only really able to keep my focus by watching tv (if that doesn't sound sensible, let me be a little clearer, watching good tv energizes me and enlivens my mind. Thus it keeps me awake (whether or not I should be awake is a different matter, but I largely just want to finish this session). I've had energy problems for a long, long time, more or less as long as I can remember. But lately it's been getting progressively worse. Or maybe it's just my perception of the energy problems. Or maybe it's just my laziness. I can't say for sure.

But beyond weariness of the body is always, always weariness of the soul. I am sustained by the love of the Almighty, but perhaps it's a lacking of faith, or perhaps it's just a desire for something better, but I am weary. And when I have a weariness like this, no matter how hard the failure of life hit me and tempt me with death, it's hard to be motivated to succeed. So I've been thinking about what makes me happy (and by happy I mean some real satisfaction happiness, not just a temp. high I can get by say eating a lot of junk food (although a good meal does have an element of beauty to it and that does give a degree of satisfaction like all art)), and how I can use it to put some energy into my life. Writing sessions makes me happy. Writing stories, heck, writing in general makes me happy. Working on the newsteam gives me some satisfaction, although it's tempered by the fact that I think I'm slacking off to a degree in that regard). Reading and watching tv for fun, somewhat, to a degree, but my restlessness makes it difficult for me to do that without anything else, and furthermore, it doesn't really bring out more of a happiness to my life. Friends, yeah, they make me happy (this is when you start singing I get by with a little help from my friends). But organizing get togethers is difficult and heck, overall social interaction is difficult, taxing, and hard for me to commit to (due to anxieties, fears, etc.) + there's a matter of time and busy-ness.

But perhaps what doesn't take too much time, and what does make me happy would making the girl I like smile. For some time now my feelings towards a girl have been growing into what might be called a crush. There's no good word for it, crush sounds to juvenile, and this isn't love. I'm trying to make sure I don't rush into a feeling like love headstrong without regard, and I've been careful to pace my emotions. But I could say I have a crush on her. And making her happy makes me happy. Just talking with her gives me a jolt of energy, although that energy can easily become anxiety if I become a little beet paranoid about the conversation (hence, I need to watch for that (one of the things I've learned about myself is the need to watch out for out of control emotions, because I've been down that path far too many times)). If I could talk to her every day, and if she liked talking to me, well it would be nice. As things are now, I've been pacing myself in my conversations with her, making sure not to annoy her with constant calling, etc. But in the last couple weeks, I've called her maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and those times have brightened up my days.

God does encourage relationships, so I suppose he doesn't mind if we seek happiness in them (although we must always remain first devoted to our Heavenly Lord). There was a prayer in Church last week that reminded me of that. But still, still, I feel like I can't be hasty in pursuing a relationship because I don't want to frighten her away, but I'm tired of being lonely. Then on the third hand, on the third hand (hey look I've got three hands), on the third hand, sometimes I feel like it's my destiny to wander the world alone, and I must accept it.

I dunno, I'm not sure what I need to do, what I want to, I can't say I'm terribly sure of my life right now. But God wants me to live. And I think God wants me to do something great with my life. So I press on.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther … And one fine morning -

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Maybe. Or maybe the story is actually a different matter altogether. I don't know.

By the way, if that girl I do have a crush on is reading this (I almost feel inclined to say her name, but that would be rude to this highest degree and it would also have great consequences that would spiral out of my control (although she probably knows who she is)), yeah all I've said above is true. And there are more convoluted matters in my emotions that are not here but are also true. But put all this aside for a moment, and think of this. Do you think you could feel about me in a romantic way? If so, all I ask is you let me speak to you once in a while, let me see you once in a while, let me make you smile once in a while. It would mean the world to me, if you could do me that favor.

Creep

I'd like to think I'm not really a creep. But I do creepy stuff sometimes. Nothing I care to go into though. But part of writing is revisiting painful incidents far more often than is at all sane. Earlier this semester I had a writing assignment that while beginning humorous ended in a scene of painful lost love. That scene touched my heart a little and reminded me of all my lost loves. And then I had to revisit it. Again the painfully emotional scene hitting me. Then again, revisiting it. More painful emotional scene hitting. And then more revisiting, etc. Not very nice stuff. But that's what I writer's got to be doing. So yeah, creep.

I have a vague recollection of when that song came out, I think it was my early high school years, although apparently it was done in 1992 or 93, so that would have to be a good deal back before my school years, maybe around middle school or even tail end of elementary school. But I guess it was in high school my musicality was at its peak (or at least at its peak for that period, I'm having a new Renaissance of musicality right now) and so that was when I heard that Radiohead song, Creep. It struck a cord.

Apparently, the songwriter was talking about gender-identity issues with the song, least that's what he said. I took the song as sort of an outsider unrequited love song (part of the reason for my differing interpretation is probably because the radio edit changed a line from "You're so fucking special" to "You're so very special" but I get into some of that below). And so it felt very natural to me, who felt perpetually the outsider, and who in his early high school years had some unrequited love. I've talked about one case of this before, in my Here is Gone session, but as I noted there, that was about my second heartbreak, but this song resounds more accurately and more tightly with my first heartbreak, and so it is in the light of that I'm going to do some explicating (explication nation, what's your temptation).

Creep by Radiohead from the album Pablo Honey

When you were here before

She didn't just appear, she had been my friend for a long time, since elementary school. We used to walk home together, maybe around 3rd or 2nd grade. During 4th grade and 5th to some degree there was a separation of boys and girls and so to a degree we lost touch. But we still went to the same schools and greeted each other with friendship. In eighth grade I actually thought she would be the ideal person to have a crush on, and to a degree I suppose I harvested those emotions. But by the end of summer I had largely forgot of the matter. Until of course, school resumed and I saw her again. But those feelings had a different flavor to them, an intensity that I wasn't used to, which I embraced as love.

Couldn't look you in the eye

But while I embraced the feelings, I couldn't stand staying in her presence. I hated myself, I hated myself viciously, and being near her seemed just another opportunity for me to fail at my efforts of contact. Worse yet, it was an opportunity for her to see the person I thought I was, an utter monster. A creep if you will. (and I will, for I am RAND.)

You're just like an angel

I idealized her utterly and completely. It was from a distance of course so I couldn't assign to her definite idealized characteristics, so instead I assigned to her all idealized traits. I imagined her like an angel. A creature of utter purity. The only real traits I can assign to her is that she's kind and strongly social competent (she has a social comfortableness that is enviable, at least by one such as me), but it's hard for me to really fix her character beyond that because of all my idealization. So I thought of her like an angel. It's such a hollow description really, especially without any theology behind it, but I never had enough courage to make my emotions anything more than hollow.

Your skin makes me cry

Always with skin. It tends to be regarded as so important. As for the obvious matter. Yes, she was white, and yes I'm brown, but that really had no importance for anything, although I was paranoid about it. But in a more teenage sense skin mattered otherwise. I always hated my skin's oils and pimples. I can't say I'm too fond of them now, but I can tolerate my skin since I don't have much acne anymore. But back then, it was quite a bit. It added to my whole, I hate myself, and especially my body thing, and so it didn't help that she was beautiful. I can't even remember if truthfully she had no acne, but she certainly had less than me, what is true is her skin seemed perfect to me. She seemed beautiful and I felt unforgivably ugly.

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world

She hung out with a more popular crowd, I on the other hand. I didn't really have a crowd. I suppose this is the point I should say I was fat (or thought myself as such), given the feather analogy, etc. But everything about her, the people she hung out with, the way she looked, the way she carried itself. It seemed so immensely better than everything that was me.

And I wish I was special

Back then I felt anonymous, insignificant, and pointless. I can't say I don't have those emotions now sometimes.

Youre so (very) fuckin special

She seemed on the other hand to be at the center of her own little world, and it was a damn nice world. The original version of this song I listened to (that is not to say the original version of the song itself, but the radio edit), used very instead of fuckin'. It does take the edge off this verse. I can't say I was angry at her for these emotions, but I was angry at myself for not acting on them, and I was angry at the universe for making me me.



But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.

I've never been quite normal in any social circle, and that sense of isolation, so heightened during high school and complemented with anxiety and self-hate. I felt I was a creep. I can't say I really was one. Probably the actually creepiest thing I did was, well, I didn't follow her, but I would remember where I saw her at certain times of the day. We all have our little habits after all. And I'd just try to be near her at that time of the day. I wouldn't want her to see me, because then she might think I was stalking her, or worse yet might engage me in conversation, but rather I just wanted to get a glimpse of her. My emotions would fill me then, and I'd get an invigorated euphoria that would fade the moment she left my sight and I remembered how lonely I felt.

What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

Yeah, I can say I didn't belong. I didn't have a clique or anything in that sense. But really when it comes down to belonging on this earth, what is the criteria. If you're a human being, that gives you a certain necessity of spending some time on earth doesn't it. If you're born, doesn't that give you the right to belong to the living? And if you have a soul doesn't that give you a right to belong to God's children.



I don't care if it hurts

This line always reminds me of pimple popping, especially in combination with the perfect skin line. It was a nasty habit of mine, especially since I knew excessive pimple popping actually aggravated the acne. But I wanted so badly to feel pain. It fed the hatred so completely and satisfied it as well. A nice little vicious cycle. (just like a demon bike)

I want to have control

I've always had problems of control. Controlling my eating, my laziness, most of all my mental illness. Life always seemed to come so easily for everyone else, for her. However, that is one of those nice little lies we tell ourselves to makes us feel nicely persecuted. Everyone has problems, it's best not to try to rank them.

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

As much as I hated my body when depressed, I hated my soul even more. Because when I was in the depths of depression I believed I was an absolute monster barely contained. It was a good way to justify my self-hatred even though I believed people should be judged on their internal goodness and not their external appearances.

I want you to notice
When I'm not around

That was always something for me. I wanted to feel like I made a difference in the world and that without me people would be worse off. I suppose it is true, but on the other hand. On the other hand during my periodic absences from social life during breakdowns, nobody seemed really to care. But on the plus side, they did seem to enjoy my company. Still, it would be nice, if people noticed when I wasn't around, especially her. (Of course, you people, my loyal readers would notice when I'm not around, eh? Ah, bums! Meh, in the end it doesn't matter if people care when you're not around, God notices when you withdraw into yourself, when you breakdown, and He offers to carry you through the pain, as I have found out time and time again)

You're so (very) fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Let me tell you the story of how I confessed to her. My buddy Howard says it shows me as brave. I'd disagree. Anyways, in my high school and even middle school we had various services which would deliver cards and presents to those whom you had crushes on or just wanted to give a present to. I actually did give her cards for years since eighth grade up to sophmore year. However I always kept it as from a secret admirer. Until that final card. Sophmore year I decided to sign it as myself. And so she found out about my feelings. And then... I passionately avoided her for the rest of the year and the summer. Yeah, I really don't think the story depicts me as brave. But then junior year came around. The beginning of every year I always tend to be somewhat manic. So I had a great idea, why not invite everyone in the school to a party? It didn't work out so well, well, no it was fun, even if only 4 people came. But I had invited her, and then, then I was rejected.

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want

To make a girl I like happy, that's just awesome. To see her smile. I've always had trouble reading facial expressions, but I know a smile is a smile. And so I give gifts, I tell jokes, I do anything to make them smile. But unfortunately I rarely listen to them, I usually am so self-absorbed, and so obsessed with the emotion of love, I forget to some degree about the actual girl. Perhaps really then, it wasn't love with this girl, just being in love with the feeling of love. With later girls I liked I've tried to listen more, and I consider my feelings more legitimate, but perhaps it's just the pains in that period leave me as somewhat cynical about that period in my life

Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special...

But Im a creep, Im a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont belong here.


And then after confessing to her and being rejected, after the party that didn't work out as I had planned, and after failing to really resolve a conflict between two people I cared about, my depression grew to a point where it became to much. I've always wanted control, especially for those moments like this when depression is this overwhelming. But I didn't have self-control. And so, well, let me not relate the exact details, but I resolved to kill myself. But in the end, I didn't even have the self-control for that. I was too afraid of pain, and so I resolved that I would try to overdose on my medicine. But then my father came home and stopped me. And then I was hospitalized.

That experience casts a taint over this period, and over my relations with that girl. When she rejected me she said it was because she didn't want to ruin our friendship. She also made several other efforts to reach out to me as a friend. I sort of ignored them. It was hard to think of her without thinking of that period in my life when I became obsessed with my emotions of love for her, and ultimately ended up hospitalized. It's a shame though. Friendships are something highly valuable, and not to be discarded. So maybe someday, when I become a little bit more mature I renew my friendship with that girl. Is that day today? Maybe, one never knows what the future might bring.

So anyways, that's the story of my first heartbreak. There's some lessons in there if you want to take them, I don't feel like spelling them out explicitly. I always wonder what could have been though, but that's usually a useless conjecture, not worthy of Rand the mighty and glorious.

So anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

A matter of clouds

I, I the man of the Rand and the Rand of the man, persevere in spite of attempts by giant fish to stop me. But no giant fish will defeat me, for I am John!!!

But let that matter be discarded. I remember in about 4th or 5th grade I still liked school. Perhaps I didn't admit it because of peer pressure, but overall I enjoyed being at school. It was only with middle school school really started to bug me. Perhaps that was because with the dawning of my hormones my anxiety problems got kicked into to overdrive.

After that, minor social anxiety blossomed into full on social paranoia (I use paranoia here in a very loose, ultra-loose, barely hanging on to the threads of syntax loose sense (basically any rapid-fire depressing, self-hating, fearful thoughts)). Basically my mind exploded. And any sense of social satisfaction I got from school evaporated. And so I had school work. But investing myself in my school work put such intense performance stress on me that it almost killed the alien embryo that I'm raising in my stomach. Or maybe it just gave me anxiety attacks, either one.

So I had to choose whether or not I wanted to attach my worth to my grades. And all my upbringing, my experiences, my culture, etc. suggested to me in the end that while grades were good and an accomplishment, they were not a measure of worth. But let me caution, I presented here a relatively linear process of an intellectual trend, but the mind doesn't work that way, it don't, my friend, it simply don't. Another factor to my disconnecting my sense of worth from my school work was my disconnect from the idea of school being its own universe with teachers having a natural, if not always welcome spot at it head, to it simply being a tiny piece of the universe with teachers being just people without an inherent superiority to me. Suddenly doing well by their measures seemed submitting to an unnecessary (and by my then reasoning automatically unjust) authority. Teenage rebellion, et. al. I suppose. And then there was my religious journey which led me to conclude that earthly authorities must always be subject to heavenly authorities. Etc. So there were a lot of factors.

Then if school (and let me include college here (although college does differ from primary and secondary schooling in some theoretical points which I won't get into here)) wasn't a measure of worth, then what was it supposed to be. More or less a stepping stone, a tool. Intellectually that's how I view it. But emotionally, it's hard to see it as less than confinement. Perhaps that's just a manifestation of my wanderlust soul. Or in more charitable terms an imposition. It's hard to stand that, and perhaps that's a reason why I have such trouble sticking to my classes. But in the way I think about things I actually have less care for school than work. At least when I'm working I get a feeling that I'm building some organization or something, but with school it feels like all my effort is going to nothing except satisfying the expectations of others. Perhaps I can say that when I'm in lecture there's the satisfaction of learning but with tests, projects, and essays, etc. (although occasionally I do feel satisfaction from projects and essays since they involve some creativity, it usually is as much or more giving a feeling of burden). In the end, I just can't take a great deal of satisfaction from school, at least as long as I keep on looking on it as a burden.

Perhaps a better way of looking at matters would be to see school as a game. And the whole matter becomes a competition when it comes to grades. Now many people dislike that analogy because it puts too much stress on kids and undermines their feelings of friendship. But that's only if you look at it as an immensely important game. But let's take this as a pretty important game, not hugely important, you can rebound from bad grades, but it's still got some gravity to it. And there is some fun to it with the learning and all. And then there is some accomplishment to getting a good grade. But it isn't the accomplishment of say a medal of honor, or something that suggests quality in a person (even if a person's true quality is a matter hidden in the brain, personal, and in my mind moreover a matter of how they view the world instead of what they accomplish, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah). Rather a good grade in school is like a victory in football, or soccer, or Magic: The Gathering.

And when it comes down to it, it isn't really a victory over your competitors, they rather are your fellow-travelers in the game, a victory in a game is a victory over its rules, its obstacles and your own limits. Perhaps, if I looked at school like that, it might become palatable again. Stranger things have happened.

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!