Hello folks and stuff (it would be cool if some stuff were reading this webpost, but alas, my audience is mostly made up of folks).
Yesterday I was planning a big statement on the desperate situation I was in and how I was just barely pulling things off by the skin of my ass, but it was All Saint's Day and so I decided to write about that.
As to my situation, I've been having trouble getting my work done, I don't know why, but it's like this. I had on my computer for two-three days all the necessary components to make a project over a week overdue work and I resisted putting it all together. Instead I fiddled with things, tried to make things cleaner, and then I tried to make things more complex. By the end I had about 2 and 1/2 versions of the program that should have worked. Eventually I settled down my brain enough to take the simplest version, sand off the rough edges and send it off.
I can't say I'm sure. But there has to be a why.
Every action needs a reason and every inaction needs a reason, it's impossible to really and truly be still. That's the problem with nihilism, the enthusiasm for the purposelessness of life is never strong enough to stop the instinct to act or to purposefully be inactive. To commit suicide would take a heck of a reason (usually self-hatred), but to live requires acting, or at the very least responding to the actions that surround us. And whatever our response is that has a reason.
But why did I just screw myself over by leaving my project undone for a week? I don't know, maybe it was biology, maybe nurture, the point is it was something that I had to away from.
Curiosity drives me to investigate my mental state, but also a desire to prevent problems from happening again. But still, worrying too much about my mental problems breed more problems which distracts me from bigger concerns...
What are the bigger concerns? Life, Truth, Love, etc. If I went by my feelings, and especially my feelings last week I would say nothing, nothing mattered, and eventually as the pains in my depression grew I would simply conclude that avoidance of pain mattered only and then flip, I'll be dead. But instead I take what feels to be the core and most beautiful principle of my beliefs, and then use reason and experience to go from there. And that's how I got to here, a follower of God Most High.
But that has nothing to do with the title of this session. I've been rambling, but not unpleasantly, and yet I still feel compelled to stop. So's your face! It always works.
Anyways, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
4 months ago