Kicking it up with InfiniteRand

Long time since I've posted anything, something of a long time since I've written anything. This prompts the question of who would have any interest in reading what I have to write. My brother gave me a good suggestion, thinking about writing for my daughters. While I try to be open with them about a lot of things, there are some things I keep to myself, and even more that I just do not have the time or occasion or expression to share. At the very least, what I write might be useful for them to have, even though I suspect even if they have it they are probably not likely to read it, after all how many go through all of the family photos except once in a blue moon, but in their lives they are likely to have a blue moon once and again.

Of course, that makes me think it's probably best to have some backup set up in case Google gets tired of this blogspot abandonware or gives some opt-in prompt that I neglect in my old age, consigning my words to oblivion.

Anyways, that is the minimum, I have two intelligent and curious little girls, and whether or not they read my words having the words would be a comfort, and it might be a discomfort for them to think that I stopped writing around the time I had them (the timelines do not line up for that, in fact my last post was before I met their mother, but people have a way of overlooking blurry timelines in these type of things, although I hope that is something I can teach them to avoid). So there is that minimum. And perhaps there are more that might enjoy my words, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... (I want to say that is from some British sitcom but I can't recall the name, maybe Coupling?)

Why I stopped or at least paused my writing? Many reasons, if I'm honest sloth is among them, fear of writing something bad, fear my creativity might be gone, apathy, feeling that my writing is worthless (so rather than giving up my writing for the sake of my kids, my kids have given me a counteraction against one of my hindrances, and yes kids, I expect you to learn all of those big words), questioning my place in the big scheme of things. None of that is especially new (well me not writing is not especially new at this point).

Perhaps what it is, and there is a little supporting evidence of this, is at the time of my life when I decided to get serious about being married, I decided to put focus on the rituals, procedures, and habits necessary to help me find a wife. I can go into this more a different day, but much of this rubbed against my anxieties, social and otherwise, and it took a considerable mental effort to push on this.

Essentially, to make it short, making a concerted effort to find a wife was stressful for me.

This is also why I resigned as a member of the national board of the MCYM, despite that being one of my preferred social and to some degree creative outlets (more on that a different day, in fact pretty much all of these sentences could be fleshed out into a paragraph or two, but I have promises to keep...), the stress of the obligations of my duties as a national board member (which perhaps I took too seriously) was a weight that I knew would be difficult to me to bear in addition to these new stresses.

While I did not make a decision to stop writing them, that stress did decrease my output (although it would be interesting to go into my notebooks and to see to what degree at what point, of course for that be accurate I would need dates on everything which I don't have). Then the stress of marriage, married life, eventually parenthood, all vital things I wanted in my life, these did not directly work against me writing but what they did do is leave less energy to fight against the old fears and anxieties associated with writing, which as always grew the longer I stayed away from writing. While this can be looked at as some unfortunate accident, I do remember at times reflecting on the trade-off between the married/fatherly life I was pursuing and the effort needed to sustain me as a writer, ultimately I made a choice. Not a choice to stop writing, but a choice to pursue the family life I wanted and believed was a vital part of my life's vocation, even if my writing life suffered.

I made a choice and I still believe it was the correct one. I look at my wife and my girls, and we have built something beautiful together, something blessed by God and sacred.

There's some simplification there, and so other factors that I know played a role, but I think this assessment is true enough to let it stand.

This leads me to say, there is no reason why I shouldn't write now, although it shouldn't be at the expense of this life I have built, if the two do not work against each other, why not write? (From the assessment above, you might say well it sounds like they do work against each other, but the relationship between different responsibilities, hobbies, duties and stress is more complex and subtle than that, they will sometimes work against each other, sometimes they will help each other, and sometimes each must be given a certain amount due, and sometimes some must be pushed to the background)

And it is worth coming back to the minimum reasons for me to write, in addition to my girls, there is a certain feeling of sacred duty to God. I often think of the story of the king who gave his servants different sums of money to invest, God has given me some talents of creativeness and some tendency toward writing, and so I ought to use it if I can, and share it if I can. God has given me other blessings more precious to me in the form of my family, and that sacred duty comes first. But if the clouds of my anxiety and the mysterious inner workings of my mind align just right, so that writing is possible without the neglect of family, then I ought take the chance, and I think that it is God's will for me to do so.

More could be written about this, but time conspires against me here. I do have other duties related to my family life (to be less vague, I have to do my job), while I have taken time away from that to write this, in some ways writing has cleared my mind more to help me tackle those duties. If I used that as an excuse to spend all my time away from my work, it would be counter-productive, and so I must set a limit and come to an end. (Although the story never ends...)

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

If stupid is as stupid does does that make me stupid?

Forest Gump is a great movie. Period. It tells a story, runs with it covers it fully and flavorfully and beautifully. Let me end any pretense of a review by saying it gets 10/10 in my book.
Now apparetly Bob Dole said that the movie affirms that the American Dream is within the reach of any man. I dunno about that, Forrest really doesn't have a dream. That's kind of the point of the film. He ends up in a lot of places and circumstances, but usually it's just through fortune. Where he ultimately ends up, living in a small town as a father of a boy smarter than him. I suppose that's the American dream, actually one version of the American Dream, which I used to subscribe to a bit more passionately, I suppose back in the days (it's always a bit odd saying back in the day when I'm 23) when I was more focused on my future as a family man, is that the dream ought to be that the next generation has a better life than the previous (of course that leaves quite a burden to those living pretty good lives to begin with), and perhaps his son would have that, with the intelligence of his mother and the loving parent of his father.
But again this is something stumbled onto, accidentally. But maybe what it is, is being the theme of the movie, is that a simple perseverance through the unfortunate accidents allows one to enjoy the happy accidents.
But perhaps another way to look at this isn't to see Forrest as the every man, stripped even of the intellect to differentiate him from others, but rather a highly sincere man. His sincerity allows him to throw him fully into anything he stumbles upon, and perhaps that's the key to his success.
Now is that enough? I dunno, I'm not sure, but I don't think so. One principle I hold is that a quality of a movie isn't how much you agree with it or the truth of its themes. If Forrest's sincerity isn't really enough for life, the movie paints his sincerity enough to make itself great. And what does that signify? Nothing really, but a great movie is worth noting every now and again. As I said, 10/10, well done movie maker people (I'm never sure how to allot the thanks for a movie, especially with a book before it), well done. And that's all I have to say about that.
So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!
And God Bless.

A meditation on Morrie

Something I wrote for a class on Tuesdays with Morrie, but an opinion which I still hold more or less today:

“Someone asked me an interesting question yesterday,” Morrie said now, looking over my shoulder at the wall-hanging behind me, a quilt of hopeful messages that friends had stitched for him on his seventieth birthday.  Each patch on the quilt had a different message: Stay the course, the best is yet to be, Morrie—Always No.1 in Metal Health!

What was the question I asked.

“If I worried about being forgotten after I died?”

Well?  Do you?

“I don’t think I will be.  I’ve got so many people who have been involved with me in close, intimate ways.  And love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”

p.133, Tuesdays with Morrie

 

I find that idea comforting, but ultimately I can’t believe it. Being remembered requires the people who know you spreading your name, otherwise when they die you will be forgotten.  Even if they do spread your name around your identity will become blurred after being passed down through generations.  Eventually, people will stop spreading the vague rumors of a man they never even knew and you will be forgotten.  The memory of a man can live on a generation in the memories of those who loved him, and perhaps can live on another generation in their children, but memories fade.  Few many people remember their great-great-great-great grandfather, and those that do are likely keepers of a family history that some unlucky afternoon will be burned in an unexpected blaze.  Few can remember everyone who his father befriended, and even fewer can remember those people in addition to the people his grandfather befriended.  Names fade over time, faces fade over time, and memories fade away, over time the memory of a man becomes scrambled, jumbled, or forgotten.  After a person dies they are forgotten, maybe not in the first generation, maybe not in the second generation, but as time goes on they vanish from the minds of man.

The memories of some men can find a degree of immortality in history.  Those who do great deeds their names are fused into our common heritage.  Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Mao, these men are ingrained within the memory of civilization.  Yet even these names can pass.  The history of man goes back in some cases 5,000 years, but the people whose memories survived all that time are hazy shadows of people, only known for being depicted on a temple wall.  The majority of figures, so incredibly famous in their own times have vanished, others are so entrenched in myth that they are no remembered only the legends.  Some emerge, but for how long will the history of mankind have room for them.  In another 10,000 years will they be remembered?  Perhaps, but maybe just as foot notes to those who did greater deeds.  How many great Khans have been forgotten under the shadow of Genghis Khan?  At the height of their power they might have been the greatest on earth, now their memories have vanished since the memory of Genghis Khan is so much more attractive.  Yet even his memory could be forgotten in another 10,000 years.  Ultimately, 10,000 years is nothing compared to all the years yet to come, and these great men have just bought themselves a little extra time before being forgotten.

The world forgets its heroes, it forgets its villains.  Times change and these things become irrelevant or at best academic.  The accomplishments of men, those too become blurred in the millions of years history.  If “the beating of a butterfly’s wings in Tokyo can eventually change the weather in New York City” (Bartleby.com) then a million years of butterflies can cause storms to destroy or mutate everything a man created.  Our legacies, the memories of our name are controlled by the fickle currents of time.  We cannot trust that our memory will go on after we die, we cannot trust our legacy will be remembered, all we can do is live a life we can be proud of and leave the rest to history.

Jersey City here I am

What an odd turn of events. For most of my life Jersey City was a place existing but not a matter of thought. And here I am, living in Jersey City, few blocks away from Journal Square station. Damn, and last year I was wondering whether I was going to move to San Francisco. I go back further and I find this point in my life is even more unimaginable (I'm pretty sure that sentence lacked grammatical sense, but there's a gist of it that I think you can understand it).

Yet here I am. The mind reels.

I remember when I was in Elementary School and figured that I was going to be a doctor and then a politician. I suppose that would put me in Med School right now. But that figuring was based largely on a utilitarian consideration of what would best allow me to help people on a small scale and then on a large scale. Though the latter part of the dream, presidency, persisted with me for quite a while. And then there was the island...

But that's neither here or there, point is, despite various plans and schemes, and for many reasons, I graduated college with neither a plan or a profession and... something, something.

And so I found myself working with computers and stuff. And then I found myself doing an 1 1/2 hr. commute to NYC and neglected my life outside of that. And then I found myself unemployed. And then I found myself getting a new job. Dude. But then I still had the 1hr commute or so to Jersey City. And so hence I'm here.

Actually that all made perfect sense.

What makes less sense is my sense of purpose, et al., which was once quite a bit stronger. I dream dreams, it's what I do, and I have still some great ambitions, but I've come to terms with the fact that success is something that may come or may not, and I'm not terribly worried about it.

Which leaves me not terribly worried about much. Which bugs me. But then again, whenever my feelings fall upon that zone, I always end up remembering stuff.

I got family, friends, dreams to work on. I'm doing alright. And In those family, friends + dreams, I do have stuff requiring urgency et al.

Honestly, I have to say I have at times been neglectful of my friends, family, and perhaps even my dreams. But that's what tomorrow's for right?

And so raise a glass with me, mine will be filled with orange juice of course, and let me toast to all the girls I've ever loved and God, the founder of the feast.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

And when I am freedom will I be a waving flag?

Once again, I am referencing K'naan's superb song, Wavin' Flag. Sometime I'll break down the lyrics and point out possible references to K'naan's native Somalia and the awful situation there, but I would probably need to do a little prep work before that. One must not claim historical authority when writing on a topic without some backing.

Yet I often find myself drawn to that song because it speaks to freedom, something dear to my heart. Of course, freedom is hard to define, and one definition, which I reject as illusionary is that freedom can only be achieved through the loosening of bonds and obligations. I find that a perverse philosophy that leads only to self-nullification.

However, I find myself dangerously close to that place.

Out of college, secure job-wise, more money than I really know what to do with, and with most of my siblings established in independent lives, most of the old obligations that once bound me are fading. Those that remain, to my Church Youth Group, to my parents' vision for my life, to tradition, etc. are actually somewhat loose, though at times they seem to snap tight at me, and I, on occasion, find that to follow them too strictly or too fully would be diluting of who I am or simply unnecessarily painful. Still I make an effort, though probably I ought to make more, but if those are the only obligating forces in my life, well, I'm likely to find my life rather shallow and unhappy.

And then what of Rand, the great and glorious? What of that greatness and glory? Well I am a student of False Bravado and do believe in great and grand dreams. I am also ever the fan of the fairer gender. And while both these topics seem out of reach at times, they are something to aim for, and that aiming does bring some obligating force, some urgency to life.

Except...

Except, all that urgency centers around me. Yes, it centers around me doing good stuff and being good to people, but the central notion is that I have some gift to share with the world, or at least some specialness to share with a wife, and sometimes it's hard to maintain that. Consciously, I can tell myself that, but in the chemical roots of my emotion, boiling through my subconscious into my doubts and self-hatred, I don't instinctively believe in myself. Heck, I don't instinctively believe I deserve to live, but I think I've pushed that pretty far down (though the meds help, but always, all good things flow from God (but more on that below).

So I'm left with a struggle with my subconscious, which undermines my efforts and makes it far more difficult to cite some proof against my doubts.

But all of that... that's crap...

Let me make something clear. We are not dictated our natures by our emotions. My chemical imbalances do not have a right to grant or deny my future. They effect things certainly, but the fundamental decisions of life are made by ourselves. And by God, who then gives us a choice to follow Him. The choice isn't always spelled out in directly religious terms, after all, you can have the faith to move mountains, but if you do not have Love, you have nothing. Love, I believe a choice to follow Love, not as a particular relationship or circumstance, not as a simple emotion or need, but as an ideal, as a cause, as a force, as beyond description... that is the path of God.

That's my urgency. And from that flows my ambitions (though focused by what I believe God wants for me) and from that flows my belief in romance (for if nothing else, romance is a beautiful work of God's great art) and from that flows my love for people (in God's image, what else do I need to say?) and from that flows a belief in myself...

I feel tempted to hate myself at times, at times to be apathetic and uncaring toward myself, but while I try to steer away from self-centerness and arrogance, I can confidently say that I am loved by God. Personally, passionately, infinitely. God even sent his Son to die for me. Yes, this is the Love offered to all mankind, but God has no limit and neither has His Love. And if God deems me worthy of love, who am I to disagree?

This is my belief, and this is a religious one, but to those of different religions or the non-religious let me point this out. If you are capable of love, you are capable of something immensely, infinitely beautiful. Don't doubt your self-worth, don't even consider throwing it away. Even if it doesn't seem that way at times, everyone has a capability for love, even if they choose not to use it, or choose not to see it. And that makes us worthy, beautiful, and gives us an obligation to spread love.

After all, if Love is to conquer all, why not we do the conquering for it?

Perhaps I do not fully mean this, but here's a statement capturing the ideal to which I aim.

I love you all, take care of yourselves and each other.
(not that I won't be doing that myself, lest you mistake me for someone using that classic goodbye, I am not going anywhere, at least I don't think so, at least not profoundly, at least not yet)

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Now to get a glimpse of pure-Randness witness this conversation between Rand and Dav

Rand (7:43:48 PM): Hey Dav, check out www.therandshow.com

Dav (7:51:15 PM): hey Rand

Dav (7:51:19 PM): 1sec reading

Rand (7:51:26 PM): reading like a fox

Rand (7:51:32 PM): Which would be pretty cool

Rand (7:51:45 PM): Dav, get me a READING FOX!

Rand (7:52:14 PM): I just wanted to point out the whole domain name thing, Jy actually bought me a domain name for my birthday

Dav (7:53:56 PM): sweet!

Dav (7:54:02 PM): thats cool

Rand (7:54:07 PM): yeah, I know

Dav (7:54:45 PM): and yeah, i read the post...latest 2

Rand (7:54:59 PM): oh thanks

Rand (7:55:20 PM): I'm actually preparing a post I should finish by tonight about the Simpsons

Dav (7:55:28 PM): haha awesome

Dav (7:55:35 PM): but idk what i think about seeing so far into the future

Rand (7:55:54 PM): yeah, I do worry about the future too much

Dav (7:55:55 PM): idk, i like to take things as they come i guess, and id like to think i might shift my paradigm in life one or 2 times

Dav (7:56:04 PM): yeah, idk,

Rand (7:56:41 PM): The thing is though, the current point in my life is really sort of future-focused since a big shift in my lifestyle is just about to happen

Rand (7:56:52 PM): Like just about to happen

Dav (7:57:13 PM): yeah

Dav (7:57:28 PM): but idk

Dav (7:57:37 PM): having goals like that are great for the long term

Dav (7:57:50 PM): but like, planning your immediate life wrt those goals can mess you up

Rand (7:58:15 PM): wrt?

Dav (7:58:38 PM): with respect to

Dav (7:58:40 PM): *

Rand (7:59:56 PM): True, but when it comes to job choice, location choosing, etc., these are things that are going to have to be choosen within 2 or 3 months and that are going to be important in determining my medium-term life

Dav (8:01:00 PM): yeah but

Dav (8:01:15 PM): you shouldnt necessarily look at all that with respect to your longlong term goals

Dav (8:01:16 PM): idk

Dav (8:01:22 PM): speaking of which

Dav (8:01:28 PM): have you ever considered getting a phd?

Rand (8:01:34 PM): I have

Dav (8:01:45 PM): like, i heard some of your sentiment re: free time and meaningful outsideofwork applications

Rand (8:01:55 PM): And Achacha's been pushing me in that way

Dav (8:02:02 PM): and ambar was talking about stuff like that the other day wrt his phd and leaving princeton high school

Dav (8:02:07 PM): oh yeah?

Dav (8:02:24 PM): idk, sounds like the free time and getting ta's to do all your stuff is up your alley

Rand (8:03:14 PM): yeah, and some of my professors have told me that professoring is a good day job for writing, but I'm kind of tired of college right now, and the academic world seems a bit too static and servile

Dav (8:04:06 PM): idk, in the long term it becomes pretty dynamic and...(bossy? haha)

Dav (8:04:26 PM): because if you become a professor, you can get your opinions respected in general community, etcetc

Dav (8:04:44 PM): but i mean, tbh i think anything you take relatively soon will be pretty static and servile

Dav (8:04:57 PM): like, youre just at a pt in life where you need to accept some of that shit

Rand (8:05:32 PM): perhaps, although getting respected in the general community is pretty rare due to some of the walls between acadamia and the general world

Rand (8:06:11 PM): Well many other jobs would also seem somewhat static and servile, but in college I'd have to invest a lot more of my effort and worth into the work

Rand (8:06:53 PM): And I feel like this is a time in my life, perhaps the best time in my life, to experiment with dynamic opportunities

Dav (8:07:06 PM): dynamic opportunities like?

Rand (8:08:21 PM): Well, spending a good deal of side time working on projects, et al., but also seeing if I can find a job where I feel really like part of a team and like the company and its products are a real product of my work

Dav (8:09:35 PM): yeah idk, i just feel like that's really rare

Dav (8:09:44 PM): the confluence of all that at least

Rand (8:10:05 PM): Maybe, but like I said, this might be the best time in my life to do some trying different stuff

Dav (8:10:05 PM): i think most of the work you take now that can really take you someplace is gonna be rel. lower tier

Rand (8:10:52 PM): Eh, in the end if things don't work out, I can always go back to college in 2 yr.s or so

Dav (8:11:23 PM): i guess, but idk, in the final analysis youre gonna have to make some big decisions, so idk shifting too much might hurt you

Rand (8:11:48 PM): meh, they say most people don't end up in the career that matches their major

Dav (8:11:49 PM): just in the sense of starting the progression later

Rand (8:12:18 PM): And I've got some decent job prospects and a lot of routes I can take up later if I want to

Dav (8:12:56 PM): i guess, but i think the whole free time and meaningfulness is pretty unrealistic

Rand (8:14:20 PM): I dunno, people manage it, and I'm risking very little since I'm still aiming for a job that can build more work-centric skills and some nice pay

Rand (8:14:48 PM): Sometimes you gotta take a little risk, especially when the risk is little and the potential is good

Dav (8:15:24 PM): yeah praps

Rand (8:15:47 PM): alright I need to go and get meself some eats and such

Dav (8:16:02 PM): k, gluck w jobs

Rand (8:16:07 PM): thanks

Rand (8:16:21 PM): good luck with the hw and all, and tell Jz to beat you up

Dav (8:16:56 PM): haha ok

Auto Response from Rand (8:16:56 PM): I've decided to uncharacteristically eat in at a time that is semi-appropriate and hopefully not incredibly unhealthy.  My fingers are crossed that this experiment succeeds.



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Space Oddity

It's been a while since I really made an effort to find good links for this blog, and the occasion did remind of why. Despite having found superb music videos on the interweb, checking for these videos for quality always ends up causing my session-writing time to go up by an order-of-magnitude. Oh, well, it's not like I have anything tomorrow, just work.

Well, here are the fruits of this particular labor:
A classic music video of Space Oddity by David Bowie
The music set to scenes of the amazing anime movie Royal Space Force: Wings of Honneamise.

To top it off here's the lyrics.

The thought came to my mind for so many, many reasons, top of which is BOWIE rocks!!! (The Guild of Calaminous Intent doesn't deserve such a man!)

But I was thinking about some matters, especially about professionalism (I can't believe the Simpsons "To Professionalism!" scene isn't on youtube yet (season 8, homer's enemy, after being told he ought to be more professional, Homer, sitting in him car about to drive to work in the morning, cries out "TO PROFESSIONALISM!" and pulls out a bottle of champaign and starts chugging it. Sooner or later, I got to try that out at my job.) And I had talked to someone who had recommended a professional relationship on a matter (as this vagueness might imply this is a rumination on a personal matter with a subject who may or may not be reading this post, and my rule of thumb is to not rule with my thumb and keep people anonymous most generally).

The essence of the matter and the thoughts which I consider interesting enough to outweigh the awkwardness of writing about this situation is that the implied opinion I got form this person was that professional relationships were important, and I could not help but find this inconceivably odd.

Now I am an odd man. There is a denying that, weighing my oddness against the general oddity of people in general, and one could also weigh it against how normal I might be if I applied myself. But I am comfortable in declaring myself odd overall. I think thoughts rarely thought, I do things in a manner rarely copied, and I in general have a certain tension between my way of living and the way of living common to the world around me, and by those measures I am odd. I've come to peace with that more or less, but it leaves me admittedly with little ground to call someone else odd.

Now the arguer on professional relationships is I think odd, all and all, but the opinion expressed was perhaps less odd than my own, and so perhaps that point can not be listed as a factor of oddity. The position that I have come to realize might be quite common but which I thought was odd at first, is that at work relationships should be restricted to professional relationships so you can do your work without distraction to the maximum of your potential. I have to say, that just seemed ridiculous.

But upon thinking of it, I think most people, or at least a lot of people, to a lesser or greater degree believe in these sort of professional relationships. Then perhaps I'm the odd-man out, but that's never been a fault for me.

In the end, I don't believe in professional relationships because, meh, work's work, it's really not important enough to infringe on relationships. I mean people's are peoples after all. Then there's the Christian aspect. I take a very idealized view of love, (platonic, familial, and romantic, etc.) and take this world and its haughty workings purposefully lightly. But perhaps I can understand how other people can take their work seriously, especially if this is the work that really touches on something central to their identity. Maybe, maybe perhaps if I were a professional writer...

Yet then again, I suppose I do have a profession. A jack-of-all-trades who philosophizes, wanders between communities, and dreams of dreams, I suppose my profession is ultimately living, best I can to do good and hopefully help others do good. Perhaps in that respect all my relationships are professional, I do after all keep my friends in my AIM co-workers section (an odd remark I do not deny), and I have to say I have a tendency to view a failed relationship or lost friendship as a failed project or venture. In a way I am almost sterile while looking at relationships, a fact I regret at times, immensely.

And so then, then when it comes to professionalism. Professionalism for me is friendship, best I can manage. Honestly when it comes to relationships, I can only target friendship or something more, although I can at times offer a completely false relationship that ignores the essential human essence of the other party, but as that sounds, it is distasteful, and something I inevitably regret.

If that makes me odd, well...

Let me not act superior, my life and the life of many around me would be much better if I did not take relationships so seriously and work so lightly, and maybe I'm wrong, I find upon reckoning that my emotions toward people are often more complex than I give them credit for, mingled with my own issues, preconceptions, circumstances and histories. In the end, I have to say that overall I treat relationships so simply and so idealistically is because I lack the talent and confidence to do otherwise, or maybe it just isn't who I am, with me being the sum of my nature and experiences. And in the end, I am what I am, and despite my own anxieties and self-doubt, I do not care to be anything else. Those words have been ringing in my head for a while now and I find here they seem appropriate. I can change to be more true to these ideals, to chase a more central goal, or to do the Lord's will, but not for a job, and for what else... (and where does my writerly and otherwise artistic intentions factor into all of this, I'm honestly not sure, but I think one necessarily feeds and follows the other)

The future's still open... and though I feel a bit lonely right now, I still believe in the ideals of family, friends, love and God... and God-willing I will be able to make good on those beliefs, in the end that's all I really need, as the man says, "Forget your lust for the rich mans gold/ All that you need is in your soul" (-Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd)

And be a simple kind of man. (That said song's music video)

(If there's anything that can make you feel good about all your moods, both good and bad, well there's lot's of things, but nothing quite like rocking with Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Chasing down infinity

Ever since I've started working time has ceased to function in a controllable manner for me. For example, I was convinced that the distance between the last time I blogged and now was much, much greater than a week, but in the end that is probably just a matter of my own feelings toward the last week. Still, overall, I've often lost track of the passage of time.

The worst cases of this have been me losing track of a day in the week. While usually not involving vital matters, I sometimes put off obligations till later in the week and if I suddenly realize it's a day later than I thought it was, that track is thrown completely out of wack (YO!). However, ironically this situation is unlikely to cause me major problems BECAUSE it is caused by a lack of major incidents in the week.

My co-worker actually mentioned he enjoyed this ambiguity of time because it allowed him to wake up one morning and say "Awesome, it's Friday", but I find the matter rather frustrating, especially since my weekends seem to flee quickly as well.

That is not to say all my work has been so much fun time is just flying by. Some of my work, though less so at my current position than my former, has been annoying and tedious, and mind-bogglingly slow to pass. Rather, there is a sort of uniformity to my days.

Perhaps this is normal, perhaps this is nothing to complain about, but my days seem essentially similar lately, I do some work, talk friendly-like with my co-workers, maybe talk to some friends, talk to my family, do some writing, maybe do some personal programming, watch tv, do some musing on the universe, et al., and then done for the night.

It's not a bad life by any means, and while that overall is a pretty good day, having every day like that is a little off-putting. Essentially, while this is a good life it is not my life, and more distressingly, it is not moving toward being my life.

That I suppose is what's really getting to me, my life is just a bit too still, in a place where I cannot remain. It's like you're putting a tiger into a very nice zoo who has lived all his life in the wild, maybe some tigers might like living in the zoo, maybe if he had lived in the zoo all his life he would love living there, but in the end, he's like a bird and he only flies away.

And it occurs to me that I must fly away as well.

Sooner or later that is, I will move, but it is naive to assume that a change in scenery necessitates a change in life, especially if you're looking for a change for the better. Indeed it may just be that moving will just cut me off more from my family without any gain. My desire to move is primarily, though not solely, motivated by a desire for me-time, however, for that me-time to be meaningful and not just wasteful self-indulgence (there's me time where you do stuff you want to do and do stuff your way, and there me time where you're just spending time alone, the latter is not nearly as useful as the former), I need to start moving on the things that I consider MY work. Ie, writing, programming, this blog, a website maybe, my family tree project, etc.,etc., and so on. I have more than enough of these projects, and I do work on them, however, just working on them, that's not really moving forward, afterall I have had projects all my life and will have for all my life. No, it is time to start pushing for completion of projects. It is time to start working for triumph.

On the other side of things though, well, there are two matters that are more lasting and long-term solutions, but of, well, long-term nature, and also of questionable occurrance. That is, finding a job/community where I feel at home and finding a soul-mate. The two I think are intimately related, since the latter can bind me to the former, although it is also possible that the two might come separately or even though separate the one may lead to the other. I have to be careful in these matters though, because your community and your mate are essential parts of your identity and indeed your soul. You can't be arbitrary about these things nor can your rush things, no matter how much you may like to.

I might be guilty of attempting the latter sin last week, because it feels so good to have a community and a soul-mate, on the other hand, I might be accused of throwing a chance at both away due to cowardice. It is a tricky matter to parse, but probably that is best saved for another session.

Let me sum all of this up, because I can't really sense an essential form or reason to these ramblings, I feel the danger of stagnation, and I am going to start swimming to small landmarks up ahead, as well as to the greater horizon, even though I am uncertain of both the strength of my arms as well as the honestly of my vision. But hey, one must be willing to lose his or her life to save it.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Rand's Adventures in Job Land

People often mistake me for someone who is competent in social matters. I am not so, and in general to maintain my relationships to a degree that I find satisfactory, I need to reserve a store of effort and energy out of my other activities devoted to friends and family. However, I have found that despite repeated experience I still seem to make the same mistakes of allowing my friendships fade during moments of stress (which does not help the stress). It is a pattern I need to work on getting rid of.

So to be short, I would like to apologize to most of my friends for withdrawing into myself with little outside contact for this last month or two. I do have a reason for this, that is I had been immensely distracted by the process of losing my last job and getting a new one (which starts Monday). Still, as reasons go, that seems rather lame. I think as a principle I need to start taking more time out of my life to talk and hang out with my friends. I'm not sure how to push myself in that regard beyond a simple wish, but it is a wish that I am going to invest some effort in my immediate future.

In addition to that I have other goals for the future. Of course doing well at my new job, but also embarking on new creative efforts and restarting others, such as my blog: http://therandshow.blogspot.com .

So it seems I have picked out a good deal to keep me busy in the future. Ah, well, I think that suits me well. For some periods I have spent much of my time worrying about the future and concentrating on the necessities, while others I have embarked on many ambitious goals with some succeeding and others failing. And I have found the latter a preferable way to live.

After all, as my father often quoted for me, if you aim for the heavens, at the very least you might reach the gates.

The Return of the King

No, I am not a descendant of Elendil the Tall, but as Rand I am the king of that rocks with the prerequisite rolling.

I played around a lot with ideas of the title of this post. This post being my glorious return to the world of blogging, there were many possible titles that flashed within my head. Two of the ones that appealed to me most strongly before the current one, still ring significant. They draw themselves from a song by the always awesome U2 (well, not really always, between albums they swing wildly between mildly entertaining and insanely cool), which itself is not among the highest of their songs, but does contain some awesome lines, (I have digressed wildly within this sentence, so let me return with the name of the song). I am speaking of "New Year's Day" (Lyrics)(Music Video), and the lines in question are:

"I will begin again"
and
"Nothing changes on New Year's Day"

Those phrases struck me as poignant especially as:

A. I've been thinking about this since around New Year's and so the latter phrase would have been especially appropriate (although it is amusingly coincidental (but NOT ironic, since this fact fits in literally with the phrase, and contains no element of contradiction which is the sine non qua of irony) that when New Year's Day came I ended up chickening out and hence nothing did change on New Year's Day).

But B. more importantly I was kick-starting an overall renewal in my creative ventures, a core part of myself and hence I was beginning again.

One might think (Juan, Juan, who is this Juan and why is he always cited, heh, heh, heh, okay that joke doesn't work that well in the written word) that after many, many half-starts (like the before-mentioned New Year's day 2009) and aborted bursts of effort, that I might find it wiser to give up on the idea of renewing my creative efforts, but that dog won't hunt, monsignor.

Because does Rand give up? A thousand times NO!.

More seriously I considered retiring my creative dreams. To be honest, there were moments when that prospect seemed, if not attractive, obtainable, and promising perhaps an ultimate reward of satisfaction. For even without my creative ventures there are still the aspects of my life relating to my family, friends, and perhaps someday wife and kids, which can offer me much opportunity to do good, fulfilling work. Relationships have always been important to me, and indeed a source of much concern and effort, but looking at a life centering solely on them, I felt a little bit disappointed. Afterall, I am an ambitious man, indeed, I am Rand the great and glorious.

Yet, brooding more on my situation, I found that a relationship-centric life, even if not necessarily the most attractive now, could become more attractive and ultimately satisfying over time. People change, even I can change. And as I deepen my connections with people, and engage deeper with their lives, and gain the small victories and triumphs that mark relationships, I could imagine this would trigger a growing appreciation for a life devoted simply to friends, family, and those in my immediate circle of contacts. And as an advantage, the relationship-centered life seems (although I am not certain from this vantage point) to offer a better chance of giving me a level of success (success within the center of my life, which in this case would be relationships), than one with a good deal of energy spent creatively.

But screw success! (cite the defiant Billy Idol punk snarl)

Looking forward in life, I find I could possibly be happy with a life less creative, but I don't want to be. I find something beautiful in the simple effort of striving toward creativity and striving to share my creativity (if that is calling myself beautiful, well, I like to think I am rather pretty, but for all of it, I must always give props to the Good Lord, the founder of the feast (Perfect Toast I've Never Had a Chance to Give: To all the girls I've ever loved, and to God, the founder of the feast)). I find something even more beautiful in striving for creative success (success measured in creativity and the sharing of the creativity, not as much money or fame, although I admit those things do tempt a little attraction, a matter I must watch out for further on in my life) in the face of a strong likelihood of failure.

As a fan of The Great Gatsby I must admit a fondness for a life spent as a boat against the current, running toward the green light, while the tides bear ceaselessly into the past...

Not that I consider my chances that grim. I think I have some good ideas, some good stories, and an essentially attractive, though flexible writing style (although style is not something inbred, it is earned, through thought, effort, and technique). Moreover, I have the advantage of being open to many different fields of creativity. While creative writing, particularly fiction, is my favorite, I also enjoy historical writing and speculation, Math/CS speculation, creative programming, even scientific speculation when the mood strikes me right. A key quality of success I feel, though some have told me different, is being willing to throw many things against the wall, aware that most objects will shatter, in search of that one that will stick.

So in the end I begin again. So why not that for the title? Well I have an explanation for that Mr./Ms. Smarty-I'm-So-Smarty-I-Like-To-Eat-Smarties-Pants. I value introspection. It is something that has helped me greatly in life. But there is introspection and then there is imprisoning oneself in considerations of the past, and to break out of that prison, one must sometimes not simply defy the failures of the past, but fully cast them off, throwing them to the backseat of your life as you look into the future confident that, with God's help, anything is possible, or at least something quite beautiful is possible. So I titled this post to frame it not as a meditation on defeat that is overcome leading me to start over, but rather as a celebration of the effort I am undergoing.

And this effort will likely seem daunting at times, given past mistakes, but I believe in False Bravado, the idea that to obtain a measure of glory, one must act above his own confidence, and so to signify my commitment to that effort, I take on the title of king (though Christ is the only true King, but I take the title both in sincere imitation and in light pretense), as a warning to my fears, anxieties, and temptations, that I will not be servile to them.

Because Rand is back.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight folks!

And God Bless.

Thanksgiving=Awesome

Do I need to say more?

It's been pretty relaxing. On the other hand, it's been pretty busy because spending time with my family and stuff and doing fun activities. In someways it's like every other homecoming except 100x.

Ah, but that makes sense, and that's also why I got to run, but feel free to check out the archives.

Bye!

Shoutout

Let me give a shoutout to my bro, he has a webpost that gives some good financial advice that I actually intend to follow so check it out at Rocket Stocks Blog.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! A happy mother's day to my Mom (who probably will never read this given the fact that her actually reading my sessions would probably be a bad idea), and a happy mother's day to all those mothers out there in internet land!

I feel so good I feel so numb yeah, or the work which becomes a new genre itself: The Rand Show

There's a shoutout to Rob Zombie and to Cowboy Bebop in the title. It is forgivable if you don't get the first reference (Rob Zombie isn't for everyone, I'm not sure if it's really for me generally, but then again maybe if I listened to it more I'd have more of a feel for it, perhaps, perhaps, PERHAPS!), but it's unforgivable if you miss a Cowboy Bebop reference (actually it is forgivable since the reference is to an Eyecatch (that's the little stills before and after the commercial breaks), the full quote is "the work which becomes a new genre itself will be called Cowboy Bebop"). In the vein of that quote I will unveil my new name for this medium to replace the much-decried (largely by me) word blog. It is webpost. It's not perfect, it does not carry perhaps enough seriousness and sounds a little technical, and it might have another current meaning, but with a little work and usage it can be a fine term, and it is at least far better than blog.

So it has been some time since I last posted a session, and I could explain why, but I don't feel like doing that. Besides, the point is that I want this to be daily and so it must be daily, so sayth Rand, so must it be.

My mind isn't in a very constructive or cooperative mood right now, so I can't really think of a good transition to another topic. Well, there's one more thing I can say about the title, the first part, I feel so good I feel so numb yeah is a reference to the fact that while I'm in a generally good mood I still find myself unable to concentrate, unable to think deeply, unable to deal with certain issues I find myself encountering, well, it's not that bad. It's sort of like my moods, my desires, even my actions move without my mind prompting it, and so when my mood moves good, it's great, when my mood moves bad, well that's not so good. This is perhaps an exception, I don't really feel like doing this, but I mentally want to do it so I am doing it, but this is the exception that proves the rule, since I'm having trouble writing this session and actually starting to write a session usually requires the least amount of effort of most of my writing options (sometimes poetry can be easier, but that's only when the mood strikes me).

It's not like thoughts aren't in my head, but despite my desire to write them down, I'm having some trouble accessing them in a writable form (note that writable is a relative term and with a webpost (or as you might say, if you're less cool than me (which honestly means what anyone other than me might say), blog) the necessary quality of a thought to be writable is pretty darn low.

Still, if I can force some discipline into myself I have some plans going on. I'm planning to improve my webpage for one (a constant thing really) http://www.angelfire.com/freak2/rand , I'm working on a Rand comic (I did a couple pages of one for high school, and it came out pretty good, and I've got a couple good ideas (although I'm not sure I have enough good ideas with Rand to do it daily), but you need a good deal of discipline to draw a comic, since it requires a good deal of effort (at least the way I do it), although I might actually get my cousin to help me out with the drawing part (shout out to Shilpa, and maybe Sneha if she ever shows me her drawing skills)), I also need to start exercising more, need to do more work on getting internships, etc.,etc. I need to pull my mind together, but minds aren't always cooperative, of course, that doesn't mean I can't try.

Perhaps because of my trouble writing this, but also because of my problems doing sessions on time, etc. I'm planning to add a little more organization to my posting. One day perhaps for TV reviews, one or two days perhaps for my epic poem, and maybe I'll do something like that for more stuff, I dunno. But that's the plans and such. My mind really is starting to get blurred, so I'm going to have to wrap this up, I think I've got enough rambling to put this up.

Anywho, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks (he really does). Goodnight Folks!

I get by with a little help from my friends

I suppose I do. Maybe. I tend to exaggerate my loneliness. Boo hoo, nobody invites me to their parties, etc. But I do have a good deal of loneliness. Just now something brought it up, so I'm not sure I'm in a good position to write about it objectively, but hey, the rants that compose these sessions were never promised as objective (well, some of them might be). But this does not bear a promise of objectivity (and any promise of objectivity that may come up is void in Tennesse (Simpson joke, watch the old episodes, watch them!!!)). Anyways, the event (and I want to be careful not to mention names or any personal details tht might hint at the identity of the people involved, because honestly, that seems kind of jerkish to me) was that I noticed that a friend of mine went on a trip without telling me. I thought we were decently close and so I would be told about it. But really, thinking upon it closer I realize we aren't that close, and that makes me sad. Maybe she did actually tell me and I didn't remember, which again would imply we weren't that close.

This is a lot to make of a little issue really, but the point is that it demonstrates something bigger. Not too big though, but bigger, maybe like medium big, like a 1/2 pound burger. Or maybe a little bit bigger than that, maybe it's in full pound burger range. It comes down to the fact that I have few strong social relations. I have a couple close friends with whom I have maintained contact with over the years, only two or three really, but even with them, it's more of IM chatting than weekly or even necessarily monthly meetings. That bothers me. I mean, I have a wider range of pretty good friends and aquaintences with whom I'm on good terms, but overall my social contact isn't that great. And I have no girlfriend and honestly, I haven't ever been on a real date, so on that front I have loneliness going on as well. It sucks to be lonely.

But what perhaps worries me more is the fact that it doesn't suck that much. In high school I had constant contact with my friens, even if it was only in the hallways and classes, but in college that isn't necessarily so (although I have a good roommate and at least have social contact with him). What I've been finding (and what I've found in the summers when I didn't have such contact), is that while I want to be social, and I want to have friends that I meet with regularly, I don't really need that. I can exist just doing work, reading, writing hopefully as well (although there have been long stretches with little of that), watching tv, etc. Without writing, going to the library, watching good movies and tv, etc. I might be disatisfied with my life, but if say I did all that and maybe submitted some stuff to publication, I'll be pretty happy, even if I am completely isolated, and that scares the hell out of me.

Because I want to around people, I love people abstractly, but I also love being around people, talking to people, helping people, etc. I'm not sure I've really conveyed that in this blog but now you know (though perhaps now you know too much, prepare to die, bwah, ha, ha, ha). But I don't need people, and honestly, I think just social contact isn't enough to satisfy my life alone, at least in the long term.

I am overemphasizing my isolation probably. I have my family, I have a few great friends, and many people I'm good with talking too. I'm asocial, but not anti-social. Still, asociality bothers me, but actually not that much. It makes me sad, and when depressed, it makes me very sad, but I can be ok with it. I am feeling empty, emotionless, motivationless now, and part of that is probably that my social contacts can't generate enough motivation to give me satisfaction in life. I suppose the social contact of a girlfriend or if I had a dependent might be enough but other than that, I'm going to need something else. I love people, but they aren't enough for me. Well, no that isn't true, my goals in life give me satisfaction because they help people, as well as for other reasons, but just social contact with people isn't enough. And that bothers me, but not that much. Well, it perhaps bothers me now more than other times, because looking at my life I can find little else of meaning than my few, but strong, social relationships.

But I guess that's just something I need to deal with. We all have our problems, and this is mine, not too huge, but not insignificant, that's life for you, well not for you, that's life for me. That's enough for this session.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!