I begin to sickify, what!

It's been an uneasy last couple of weeks for me. Breakdown, some other stuff, and I got some sickified. What! Reference to the song Stupify by Disturbed, I have mixed feelings about the band. At times it's got some really nice power to its songs, but then again it sometimes dabbles in incredibly lame mommy lyrics. But yeah, so I got sick. It's not that bad, but it keeps me off balance and a little off overall. Hence I'll be glad when it's over.

It's a little hard to think, it's a little hard to plan, it's a little hard in my skull, but that may because of lack of flan (I've never actually had flan)

But isn't that the sand (worm that is!)

Quotes and Boats can only lead to moats

You are a robot sent from the future to win - Marshall, How I met your mother

That is no country for old men- Sailing to Bzyantium- William Butler Yeats

Nothing good happens after 2 AM - Ted, How I met your mother

People don't kill themselves because of a lack of a will to live, but rather because of an abundance of a will to die. - Rand

"But if you smile at my poem,
Ah, that's the sunshine,
And that's enough for me." - Rand

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity." - The Second Coming, William Butler Yeats

"Suit Up." - Barney, How I Met Your Mother

"These are fun facts, guys, let's have fun with them." - Ted, How I Met Your

Mother

"Keep those eyes open!" - Asimov, Cowboy Bebop

"JET: Back then, when I got home from work, you always waited for me...

That
was all I needed... But that day, when I came home, only that watch
was left and a small note with one word, "farewell"... For some
reason, I didn't feel sad. It just lacked reality... And I gradually
felt something inside me go numb... After 6 months, I made a bet with
myself. If you didn't return by the time this clock stopped. I didn't
come here to blame you... I just wanted to know... why you disappeared
back then.

ALISA: You seem to think that time on Ganymede had stopped. That's a story
from long ago... I've... forgotten it. I don't need time that stands
still. Farewell, Jet..." - Cowboy Bebop

"You're gonna carry that weight," - Outro quote, Cowboy Bebop

"A society that gets rid of all its troublemakers goes downhill." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Never insult anyone by accident." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once." - Robert A. Heinlein

To the Veterans

I had a lot of trouble earlier this year trying to do a Memorial Day session, and so, well, I had a lot of trouble writing this for Veteran's Day. But I have a great deal of respect for veterans. Risking your life to protect your country is truly noble. I'm not sure exactly what to say more than that really.

Karaoke equals awesome

Now I'm just saying. That's how I disarm all objections to all of my idiotic statements, I'm just saying. But Karaoke equals awesome is true and you know it, I know it, and if you're snickering because I said it, it's because you're lamitude is just so massive it's cutting off oxygen to your brain.

So since Karoke equals awesome and awesome band equals awesome, Live Band Karaoke (if you have an awesome band, which was the case with the Human Karaoke Experience) equals mega awesome, and so I had a good night last night.

I hit up Live Band Karoke, hosted by the Rutgers University Planning Association (RUPA!) (always a fan of their work) and I partied like it was some year that's highly associated with partying. It would have been cooler if more people had been there but...

Well, let me say before I just ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Ok, well why was this so cool:

First of all the band was pretty sweet.

Second the song list was massive. Not completely massive, but pretty massive.

Third the singers were pretty good. I mean some were a little tone deaf, a little off beat, a little sloppy with the lyrics and didn't know exactly when to start and stop (ie, some of the singers were a little bit like me), but there were a lot of impressive voices on display.

Fourthly, you're always discouraged from singing like a jackass, so why not go somewhere where you're actually encouraged to sing like a jackass.

So that was cool. And it was fun. It was good to have fun. It's been a taxing week, and so it's nice to feel alive like that. I only wished I felt the same off stage as I did on stage. On stage, or at least once I got about half-way into the song, I felt like a king, like I could do anything. But I step off, and I bit by bit I slip into my anxiety shell again. Most of the night I was sitting by this pretty girl and she even seemed to like my performances on stage, but did I say anything to her? No. Sure I didn't know what to say, but screw that, if I had tried at least well I could say I tried, but I didn't.

Well, in honor of karaoke and all those times I should have asked a girl out and didn't (including times when everything was so perfect, but...) (Weezer's Perfect Situation):

What's the deal with my brain,
Why I am so utterly insane, (completely)
In a perfect situation I let love down the drain,
Here's the pitch
Sure and straight
All I need to do swing
And I'm a hero
But I'm a zero (sound familiar)

Lonely nights once again, (Oh yeah)
Now this is getting unbelievable
Because I could not have it better (maybe I could but things are getting pretty good)
But I cannot get no love
From the girls all around (They never give no love to the Rand-man)
As they search the night for someone to hold on to
They just past through (They always do)

Singing Oooooh
Oooooh
Singing Ooooh
Oooooh

Get your hands off the girl
Can't you see that she belongs to me (well that never happened to me really)
And I do not appreciate this excess company
But I can't satisfy all her needs (well, that will probably happen to me later)
And so she starts to wander,
Who can blame her? (I sure can't)

Singing Ooooh
Ooooh
Singing Ooooh
Ooooh

Tell me there's a reason out there
Leading me to be prepared
For that day something really special might come
Tell me there's a moment for me
I don't want to be lonely
For the rest of my days on earth (sing it brother!)

(Guitar Solo! (that's one thing about the Human Karaoke Experience, awesome guitar solos))

Ooooh
Ooooh
Ooooh

Ooooh
Ooooh
Ooooh


So that was not exactly Weezer's lyrics, that was my recollection aided by a lyrics site, you can find probably more close to Weezer's lyrics here. Also I feel obliged to tell you that this is from Weezer's recent album, Make Believe. It also has a sweet video, it's not a 1-1 translation of the lyrics but it captures that same emotion of longing. And here's a cool AMV with Midori Days, (an anime and manga that's awesome), that also captures that terrible loneliness despite all the love you see around you (although it's a more literal video that Weezer's).

Anywho, I need to go and well, go home, but for all you cool cats out there, stay awesome. And take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember, Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And the return never felt better, except the time it did

So I've been missing some sessions lately. And I'm not going to elaborate why. Deal with it (preferably by giving me lots of money, you know if I had lots of money I wouldn't be missing as many sessions). Anywho, I have a funny story to tell you my good reader people and such, today I went a-speed-dating. Brutal. Yeah, just brutal. 3-min's per girl. Rapid fire questioning, the only way to avoid it: think of as many questions as you can. Blanking out 99% of the time. Constantly moving. Trying hard to scribble down the right name and number on the interest sheet so that she can get your contact info. Yeah, just brutal. And what do you get? A very off chance of actually making an impression on a girl. Now I'm awesome, but sometimes people don't realize that about me at first, they should, but sometimes it just doesn't happen, it's nobody's fault really (except yours Mel).

So that's speed dating. But heck, somebody might call me up and I might be able to get something nice from all this and that, so it's good stuff. Well, it's still brutal. I've got to wonder overall is all dating like this? Probably not. I mean if I know the girl decently before hand, her company will probably be pleasant, but there's a degree of nervousness that's inevitable in dating that just sucks. And there's so many people to go through before you hit one where she likes you and you like her and in that special way that a relationship forms. And it's tiring. Still no pain, no gain. But it would be nice if people just recognized my awesomeness, assessed their compatibility to my awesomeness and just came to me (I suppose this would be similar to saying I wished girls asked guys out more, so yeah, I'll say that, but I'm also saying that more people should call me awesome, for I AM RAND!!!).

Anyways, take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

Even in sorrow life remains

I remember a conversation I had in middle school. It was after the Columbine Massacre, I was talking to some friends, and we were talking I guess about the impact that the Massacre would have on our lives. And I remarked how we would probably forget this in a week or two maybe remember it a little a year from now, but eventually forget it completely. It seems a little cynical looking back on it. It also feels immensely sad.

I sometimes feel like the sorrow of a tragedy should be carried with you forever, and to some degree that's true. You can incorporate lessons and memories into your mind and thoughts. But the full morning of the tragedy has to end, and relatively quickly at that. Because we need to live.

It still seems like a crappy way to run things, but what do I know.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Hello folks and stuff (it would be cool if some stuff were reading this webpost, but alas, my audience is mostly made up of folks).

Yesterday I was planning a big statement on the desperate situation I was in and how I was just barely pulling things off by the skin of my ass, but it was All Saint's Day and so I decided to write about that.

As to my situation, I've been having trouble getting my work done, I don't know why, but it's like this. I had on my computer for two-three days all the necessary components to make a project over a week overdue work and I resisted putting it all together. Instead I fiddled with things, tried to make things cleaner, and then I tried to make things more complex. By the end I had about 2 and 1/2 versions of the program that should have worked. Eventually I settled down my brain enough to take the simplest version, sand off the rough edges and send it off.

But why?

I can't say I'm sure. But there has to be a why.

Every action needs a reason and every inaction needs a reason, it's impossible to really and truly be still. That's the problem with nihilism, the enthusiasm for the purposelessness of life is never strong enough to stop the instinct to act or to purposefully be inactive. To commit suicide would take a heck of a reason (usually self-hatred), but to live requires acting, or at the very least responding to the actions that surround us. And whatever our response is that has a reason.

But why did I just screw myself over by leaving my project undone for a week? I don't know, maybe it was biology, maybe nurture, the point is it was something that I had to away from.

Curiosity drives me to investigate my mental state, but also a desire to prevent problems from happening again. But still, worrying too much about my mental problems breed more problems which distracts me from bigger concerns...

What are the bigger concerns? Life, Truth, Love, etc. If I went by my feelings, and especially my feelings last week I would say nothing, nothing mattered, and eventually as the pains in my depression grew I would simply conclude that avoidance of pain mattered only and then flip, I'll be dead. But instead I take what feels to be the core and most beautiful principle of my beliefs, and then use reason and experience to go from there. And that's how I got to here, a follower of God Most High.

But that has nothing to do with the title of this session. I've been rambling, but not unpleasantly, and yet I still feel compelled to stop. So's your face! It always works.

Anyways, so take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!